SPARF: Press week 9 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- The easy part of the season is now over.... If we get 4 wins in the next seven games we'll be happy. It's great to have Dean Jones back - and we expect Spud Frazer to be back next week. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- A very poor week for TinHead in Gold but an excellent one in Silver. There were 6 upsets in Gold and 0 in Silver last round. TinHead offers the following odds for the coming round: GOLD Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 4/5 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars EVENS Victorian Mandarins 1/70 v California Sluggers 50/1 Black Company 4/5 v Uluru Dingoes EVENS New Sturt Blues 13/8 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 8/15 Limboland Mists 9/1 v Nar Nar Goon 1/11 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 4/1 v Seren City Supers 1/5 Darwin Destroyers 8/1 v Buffalo Knights 1/10 Krazy Kenora Kangari 4/9 v The Mythstics 7/4 SILVER Roxburgh Kittens 8/11 v CSUA EVENS Newcastle Novas 100/1 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs --- Sherwood Bandits 9/2 v Himeji Herons 2/11 Christminster Clerics 4/11 v Wallamaloo Philosophers 9/4 Manix Maulers --- v Daveland Warriors 200/1 Windy Hill Superstars 7/2 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 2/9 Silicon Valley Angels 4/5 v Rockdale Radishes 4/5 Never bet on an event in which the participants can speak. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Silver has now reached the half-way mark in the season, and the Herons are delighted to be 7-0 at this stage. However, now comes the business end of the season and we will determine the true level of our team. Last week we managed to kick a higher than average score without our leading goal-scorer, but conceeded far more points than we have for the rest of the season so far. I guess it's to be expected when you lose your half-back line. Scotty Cummins bagged 8 goals, while Micheal Lloyd and Kitty Chan managed 5 and 4 respectively. This week Gaijin Da plays tag-team with Mini Ross, coming back into the side to take on the Bandits. Again we'll have to do a bit of a fiddle with our line-up, but certainly not as much as we had to last week. Like the Herons', the Bandit's back-line seems to be their strong point, so this contest should be a relatively low-scoring affair, but we're confident we can kick more than the Bandits. Fianlly, the response to our poll last week was nothing short of underwhelming. A total of 1 team responded to the poll. We figure that this is a significant result and therefore have extrapolated our data to the rest of the competition to find that 100% of clubs believe option B - that all clubs are grateful that Manix exists to boost their ranking in SPARFdom. We'd like to thank all clubs for not responding and filling our inbox with junk mail. :( Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Buffalo lost to the superior Mandarins. They were going to play the loser-unskilled-wussy Mandarins, but at the last moment the Superior Mandarins arrived and applied the smackdown on the poor Knights. In a press conference, coach Bridget Fonda wasn't apologetic. "I'm not sorry they are better than us. I'm not sorry that we got more injuries and I'm not sorry that John Himeji has been cut from the practice squad. I am, however, sorry, that nobody on this sorry team can play anything more than a sorry excuse for a defense." Many of the Knights' roster were unhappy with being badmouthed by their own coach, but they dealt with it in the usual fashion - John Bogetto and John Spleen called ex-Knight John Bachofen and arranged a drive-by cow-tipping through upper Manix. "We all know how the cows just run free all thru Manix. They're all over for crying out loud. I don't know where they come from." This week the Knights face the Darwinians (Darwins, Darwinnies?) in a hotly contest battle of teams that dislike processed cheese. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From an excerpt of a special report from Manix News Network: Breaking news: Smilin' Pete Zinger has reportedly escaped the clutches of the mildly humorous Himeji Herons but not before deflowering Kitty Chan. Smilin' Pete is said to be somewhere in the Phillipines and making his way back to our Fair Republic with photographs, video tape, 8mm film, digital audio, and a signed affadavit from Chan as proof. We'll bring you more as this story develops. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Blues felt the heat from The Mythstics' last week as an icy wind = from the Antarctic left them blue with cold, defeat and a surfeit of = mixed metaphors. Meanwhile, still no Press Seance but Venusia did mail some I Ching = scratch cards to the Sparf press corps so they could try their own hand = at the fortune telling game.=20 No hint of what Venusia predicts other than a cryptic note reading = 'K-K-K-I-ching', whatever that is supposed to mean. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Der dun b sum gud pere iti en da leeg dis yeer. Wel N goald hat leest. Loopy Creature PPP