------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- We're still here... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- Welcome back to LGGE, your station for all that's Black! Hello Sparf Fans! This is Garry Ablett, with Tony Lockett as always, bring you This Week in Black Company Sparf! Tony! Talk to me! Garry, all I can say is that this team needs to find a way to beat the Myth's. I believe that is One-eye hits his scoring average, the Boys win. It would have also helped if the team kept the Myth's FF from hitting 5 goals as well. All right, How about next week?? Well, this next is a make or break game for the team. If they win, they have a chance to end the season at 8-7. If they lose, they won't. The Sluggs look like a tough team. I would almost guess that the Dingo bookie might have this at even odds. It's too close for me to call. It will help the Boys in Black getting back Moose and Stonewall for the center. Anything else Tony?? Yes, as a matter of fact, Garry, I do. Has anyone else noticed how much Smilin' Pete is starting to look like Neve Campbell? I just noticed that the plastic surgery bandages have been comming off and he is sporting a new, more female look. Oh, and Pete, what can your tortourers do to me to make me feel pain, anyways?? I played this game for several years and as a result, I no longer have any more nerve endings in my body. The only thing I can think of that they could do to cause me pain would be to make me watch a season of Manix Footy. Or worst, Buffalo footy. Really?? I wouldn't have known that. One last thing, Garry. Pete, that controller thing you got?? It's one of those send 4 box-tops and $2.95 Canadian and you get a "secret Channel Changer". I have news for you; it only makes you think the channel has changed. I gave one of those things to Slippery Jones a week or so ago, and he thought he was Neve Campbell. It took us 3 days to get him "back" to his right(?) mind. For some reason now, he is pining for John Heretic. He has made his room into a Heretic shrine and occasionally mumbles something about having his "love child". I REALLY don't want to know. Well, thank you Tony. This is Garry Ablett for Tony Lockett saying So Long from KHATOVAR!! This has been a LGGE Production. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- We didn't win, but it was alot closer than anyone expected! Go Clerics! end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- The Bookie offers the following odds for the coming round of matches. GOLD Uluru Dingoes 2/1 v Victorian Mandarins 2/5 Giant Redwoods EVENS v Viking Raiders 8/11 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/12 v Buffalo Knights 10/1 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 1/6 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 9/2 New Sturt Blues 1/50 v Christminster Clerics 33/1 The Mythstics 4/9 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 15/8 California Sluggers 4/5 v Indiana Fire 4/5 Black Company 1/8 v Newcastle Novas 6/1 SILVER CSUA 20/1 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/25 Darwin Destroyers 4/5 v Roxburgh Kittens EVENS Himeji Herons EVENS v Seren City Supers 8/11 Wallamaloo Philosophers 1/11 v Sherwood Bandits 9/1 Limboland Mists 1/100 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 70/1 BRONZE Winnipeg Rangers 2500/1 v Nar Nar Goon --- Melbourne Warriors 50/1 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 1/60 Silicon Valley Angels 14/1 v Manix Maulers 1/17 Rockdale Radishes 6/4 v Melbourne Yerns 4/7 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Ouch. Last week, the KKK brought the Herons down to Earth and down to 4th, their lowest this season. "We must have really pissed these guys off," Coach Kevin Shady was quoted as saying. Indeed, a 14 goal defeat is a big difference to the 1 goal defeat suffered last time. And the cause of the big blow-out? "The KKK found a way to counter Kitty "Neve Campbell eat your heart out" Chan. Their Full Back carried a big mirror and pointed it toward Kitty Chan every time she neared the ball. her stats for the game include 1 mark, 3 misses and 7 years bad luck. 7 years is a long time - especially in SPARF. We're now thinking about trading her off to Roxburgh, where she should fit right in." With a once healthy percentage having taken a hammering, this week's match with the Supers now becomes crucial. The two teams have an almost identical run home, so it's essential that the Herons win this one if they want to regain the #3 spot. To do so they'll have to post a similar turn-around to the KKK last week. In their first meeting this season, the Supers defeated the Herons by 7 goals. When asked if the Herons can stage the big turn-around, Kevin Shady replied, "We were lucky to suffer no new injuries last week, but with key players still recovering, We've got no wat to stop Wonder Woman or Miracle Man. I'd rather put my money on Essendon beating Geelong." (That's talking real football.) Don't forget to get YOUR tips in! Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights fell to the mighty Mandarins, but only by a half-dozen goals and that inspired a lot of optimism in Buffalo this week, especially since this week's foe, the Circus Stars, are coming off a viscious and unfortunate string of less-than-friendly injuries. John Bogetto explained, "We know that sometimes you get hurt and sometimes they get hurt and sometimes you are hurt but not as hurt as they are hurt and other games they aren't as hurt as much as you are hurt and then there's some times you are hurt just as much as they are hurt but the guys that you have hurt aren't as good as their hurt guys so it doesn't matter so much that you're hurt because you really aren't hurting without them in the lineup against their non-hurt guys." Now you know why John Bogetto never gets the challenging jobs. The Knights are hopeful the depleted Stars will still be without Sling and Confetti Launcher and Ply Wood. And Giraffe Unicycle. And Trained Seal. And Dick Fran....okay, we hope they are all out. In local news, Buffalo's Imperial Terrorism Executive and Manix Exposer has completed work on the first satellite designed solely for the purpose of protecting the Knights' press conferences. Special Programming Attack Minister John O'John McJohn stated "We have to keep those Manix creeps from hogging our press and taking away all of our references to Ms. Cam....certain actresses." The satellite will be launched from centerfield during this week's Circus Stars match. Fans are advised to wear something lead or radiation-resistant to the game. Bring SPF 4000. And sunglasses. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Times-Star-Bugle-Venture: Things have been quiet in Manix this week. Too quiet. Even Manix Mauler Press Secretary Smilin' Pete Zinger was quoted as saying " ." To whom does this bode ill? To you and your loved ones? Maybe. To John Spleen? Probably, but no one's saying anything.. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Press Crypt was pristine and gloomy for this week's Press Seance. Venusia exuded bonhomie, joi de vivre, je ne sais quois and Chanel number 5 in about equal quantities and somehow managed to avoid answering questions about the bombing, Manix and Rupert Mythdock. Or, for that matter, The Mythstics' sudden form reversal with back to back wins - although she did hint that the players were "doing it for Ed". The post seance refreshments were a trial for the press. Ed's replacement was Mrs T, a frosty, silver-haired matron sporting a mohawk haircut and extensive body piercing. "Help yourselves," she ordered in a voice that could have sent generations of English public school boys whimpering to their beds. "I hope Ed gets better soon," was the general consensus. Meanwhile, no one seemed to notice the bead of water forming on the nose of the ice sculpture of Commissioner Mel... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- The Novas are still searching for an effective remedy for their chronic injuries. "That's two more key players out at a crucial stage in a game we had chances of winning," said coach Bob Fulton (retired). "Both players were obviously too old (3 YO) and too fatigued (4 FAT), and management must take responsibility for putting them on the park," said vocal critic Gumby Packer. "It's just a joke!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Wee tinks dat dat wuz R lassed wen uv da C-zon. Da lassed 4 gams R gunna B ver-e tuff. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- What do you think of our chances? W L T 9 2 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!