From Eric Berlin's "Babes and Brides."
A little background knowledge is required. In the following monologue, a Nice Guy (Alan) is trying to pick up a woman (Diane). She tells him to talk about himself for three minutes and if she likes what he has to say, she'll go home with him. After a few false starts, Alan jumps into what is known as "The Ballad of a Nice Guy."
Alan. (His frustation and anger builds gradually as HE delevers this) I'm a nice guy. I'm a goddamn nice guy. I say that not because I think it's true, but because that's what everybody says. Ask any girl who's known me for more than a week, and that's how they'll describe me. "Alan? He's a nice guy." They say that because, you know, hell, you know nice guys, right? Don't try to hurt people, try to be a gentleman. Treat people right, especially girls. Because that's what we learned girls are attracted to, they want to be treated right. Right? You get a bunch of girls together and get them talking about guys, and they'll dream you up the perfect gentleman. But when it comes to real life, oh man!, that's very different. Because you get those girls together and get them talking about real men, not figments of their imagination, but real people, and what do you get? (Mimicking.) "Ohhh, men are scum! Men are slime! Men are shits!" (You notice how all those words begim with "S"? I think there's something to that.) So, men are all these "S" words, all these and more, but who do the girls date? Who comes on to them at bars and who do they go home with? The slime! The shits! And after they get hurt, and they always do, they call me up to confide in me, because long ago we decided that we were "just going to be friends." (I swear, you girls need to get a whole new vocabulary; you've started so many goddamn clichés it's not funny.) So, these girls call me up and they say, "Alan, all guys are sliiiime!" And then they realize that they're talking to a guy, and they say, "Oh, except you, Alan, you're a nice guy. When you find a girlfriend, she's going to be such a lucky girl. But it can't be me because, well, I'm attracted to guys that are going to shit all over me." So great. So now I have all the friends I need, so why should I be a nice guy anymore? Huh? I think I'll be a shit now. Yeah! I think I'll learn some stupid pick-up lines and use them on girls who are dressed to get laid. I think I'll be proud of how loud I can belch. I think I'll use women like they're Black and Decker screwdrivers! Sure! That's what girls really want to hear! So great. Life begins now, okay? OKAY? Come on, babe, lets go home and FUCK!
Need I tell you that this particular speech did not get him the girl. Based mostly on the fact that she was a psycho hose beast that couldn't recognize a Nice Guy if she was helped across the street by one however, and not on any fault on Alan's part.
Nice Guy's Forum A good place for guys (and gals) to check out what's being said about "Nice Guys" everywhere.
Note: this was completely ripped off from another site. That's because I'm not as nice as I used to be.
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