From mel@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU Tue Jun 20 12:12:48 2000 Date: Tue, 20 Jun 2000 10:14:19 -0700 (PDT) From: Mel Nicholson To: adr@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU, kibitz@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU Subject: SPARF: Press week 10 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Management have that rare problem, normally reserved for the first game of the season, of having a full squad to pick from. We expect serious injury trouble this week. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Darwin Destroyers ------------------------------------------------------- The team and fans are finally waking up! 3 wins is more than we expected for the entire season! Still, it makes me wonder how good the team would be doing if we had known we were doing Gold this year, and did things differently during the off season? It's been that kinda season... Looking at the stats page we have the league leading player in misses, and in points, but not even in the top ten for score or goals! Well, we do have number 5 in accuracy. Congratulations go to the carrion-eaters. For one of the very few times this season they failed to mention us as the source of all their perceived problems. We'll probably get blamed for their four players drinking spoiled beer, and missing part of the game running to the "gentleman's room." Actually, we've heard it was a protest action to complain about the brutal training techniques that the birds use. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- Press A better week for TinHead in Gold and an excellent one in Silver. There were 4 upsets in Gold and 0 in Silver last round. TinHead offers the following odds for the coming round: GOLD Black Company 4/5 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 4/5 Victorian Mandarins 4/7 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 6/4 Uluru Dingoes EVENS v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 8/11 New Sturt Blues 1/25 v California Sluggers 20/1 Limboland Mists 4/7 v Darwin Destroyers 6/4 Seren City Supers EVENS v The Mythstics 8/11 Nar Nar Goon 2/7 v Buffalo Knights 3/1 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 20/1 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/30 SILVER Sherwood Bandits 5/4 v CSUA 4/6 Newcastle Novas 25/1 v Wallamaloo Philosophers 1/33 Himeji Herons 4/9 v Roxburgh Kittens 2/1 Christminster Clerics 1/2 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 13/8 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 4/5 v Rockdale Radishes EVENS Daveland Warriors 9/2 v Melbourne Bloods 2/11 Windy Hill Superstars 10/1 v Silicon Valley Angels 1/12 Never bet on an event in which the participants can speak. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Over the past few weeks we've made coleslaw of the Radishes, Sausages of the Bloods, and last week we headed across to Sherwood Forest for a picnic against the Bandits. This week we're looking to add dim sims to the menu, but the question is: steamed or fried? Our biggest task is to decide whether to stack our back-line to restrict the Kittens' firepower, or to stack our forward line to out-gun them. But given that we scored our highest this season last week with the 4 players who kicked over half our score injured before half-time, the safest option probably is to go with the same lineup. Fortunately the injuries that occurred were all minor, and no-one will be kept out this week. Unfortunately, Mini Ross is still a week away from rejoining the side, but is keen to come back in against the Groundhogs. Meanwhile, Interpol have launched a massive man hunt for Smilin' Pete Zinger, who escaped from his cage in Himeji last week. The escape doesn't concern anyone, rather he is wanted in relation to a carnal act with a Hello Kitty (tm) plush toy. At the time of the alleged incident, Kitty Chan was taking tea with Neve Cambell, who is bitterly disappointed to be attracting no attention this season. She was hoping Kitty Chan could give some pointers. Interpol warn that anyone resembling a plush toy should not approach Smilin' Pete, if sighted. Also on the legal front, the Himeji Herons FC are considering a legal challenge to the naming rights and royalties over Buffalo Knights' John Himeji. Details to follow. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- While the league's injury lists read like a M*A*S*H roll call, the Knights' main concern, after getting whacked by Darwin, is which player to kick off the team. While millions of television fans watch, glued to their sets by subliminal messages, all of the world (Mostly Manix) is hinged on the outcome of this week's vote. Buffalo Advanced Daily Newspaper Editor With Smiles John Scoop hit the streets of the globe for opinions. One woman, Mrs. Olive Spamm, of Leeds, exclaimed "That John Deadpool was a vacant lot at half-forward last week. All those skills for what? Crap." Her companion, Mrs. Evvy Dent, was similarly unimpressed with John Heretic's play at mobile. "I hope they vote him off the team and right out of Buffalo too. He washes his jumper in the Gatorade bin and then doesn't catch any fish either. Rest of the team is lucky not to be stuck eatin' stinkbugs due to him, oh yeah they are." While reports and votes came in from around the world, the most amazing voting took place in Himeji, where 97.5 % of polling yielded a request for John Schmeh to be removed from the squad. When prompted why a rookie with only a half-dozen career games to his credit should be sacked, representatives simply screamed "Gambaroh" or some such. Buffalo's Advanced Database for Investigating Distractions at Every Angle tried to figure out what Gambaroh means and the computer came up with just one answer - 'fishsticks'. This week - an exciting duel with the Goons, who just suffered a narrow defeat, largely due to 3 injuries on the pitch and one in the pre-game tailgating caused by a bad batch of walrus served to Weiss Bier. Good luck everyone! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the sports pages of the Manix Times-Star-Bugle-Venture: The Manix Maulers have a bye this week. Crafty Coach Lucy trotted out Ms. Morgandorfer's 2nd grade phys ed. class from Michelle Shocked Elementary School to provide some stimulation for the Maulers in their off week before they found various sources of stimulation on their own. The Maulers managed a win, 86-50. "Well, you know how it goes with kids," said kicking coach Max Leiter. "Our guys are old and decrepit, rolling around the pitch in their wheelchairs and hospital beds. These kids are more lively." Little Olivia Sharp and Skippy Tyson combined for 5 goals against the Maulers. Olivia also called Manix forward Hans Ravensburg a name, which sent Ravensburg, in tears, to the bench for the remainder of the game. The seven and eight year-old children led the Maulers through most of the match, but the Maulers closed the gap around afternoon cartoon time. Maulers' ruckman was happy with his team's performance. "Even if we wouldn't have won, we picked up some Pokemon cards and Skippy Tyson said that he'd be my friend." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- When will the sun shine again? Antarctica can be pretty bleak this time = of year and The Mythstics are feeling the full brunt of the winter = chill. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Injuries continue to plague defending champion Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------------ Just when it appeard that they were actually going to field a decent team again, 4 more players left the field, 3 going directly to hospital. "It just officially became a rebuilding year", said player coach Sling. "We had every intention of defending the cup, but an incredible rash of injuries has made that impossible. We're going back to what we used to do very well - lose". And, with five consecutive losses heading in to this weeks game, it appears that for once, Sling is right on the money. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Der haz bin sum tock a butt der been 2 man E hops pit al tripps wit D gnu sim you later. Aldo da PPP haz bean hirt bi da tripps dis yeer, wee tinks dis iz bedder. Al gud reel lif teems hav 2 kope wit un X pect ted play yer prob limes. Wat abut dem baze bal injurees uv guize gettin hirt bi cut N der hand wit a kitshin nife. hops pit al trip wit 0 fat Eggs. Loopy Creature PPP