SPARF: Press week 11 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Well that rare problem has been well solved this week. With four of our hardest working boys sidelined, it looks like Pa Kettle will get another look at the bench - and hopefully stay there ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Darwin Destroyers ------------------------------------------------------- Well it was too good to last. Coach Edwards and his family have come out of hiding. "Friends" of tinhead had paid him a visit telling him to knock of the upset stuff. Since the coach didn't know why we were winning he wasn't sure what to do to make sure we didn't! So he left town... We hope the "friends" are happy now. We're back to playing the upper part of the ladder, so I don't think we have to worry about an upset this week. Other friends delivered a copy of Kitty Chan's medical record. They were tired of the guff spewed from Himeji. It turns out that Kitty was injured when she swallowed her hair ball! After having some good catnip Kitty thought she was licking an ice cream cone, and well you know the rest. One wonders how she got the catnip in the middle of a game though... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- A very good week for TinHead overall. There were 2 upsets in Gold and 1 in Silver last round. TinHead offers the following odds for the coming round: GOLD Petawawa Purple Platypi 2/9 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 7/2 Victorian Mandarins 1/10 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 8/1 California Sluggers 9/2 v Uluru Dingoes 2/11 New Sturt Blues 1/10 v Black Company 8/1 Limboland Mists 4/7 v The Mythstics 11/8 Nar Nar Goon 2/11 v Seren City Supers 9/2 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 10/1 v Buffalo Knights 1/12 Darwin Destroyers 5/1 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/6 SILVER Wallamaloo Philosophers 4/5 v CSUA EVENS Newcastle Novas 66/1 v Roxburgh Kittens 1/80 Air-Pacific Groundhogs 11/4 v Himeji Herons 4/13 Christminster Clerics 1/7 v Sherwood Bandits 11/2 Manix Maulers 1/33 v Rockdale Radishes 25/1 Daveland Warriors 11/2 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 1/7 Windy Hill Superstars 9/1 v Melbourne Bloods 1/11 Never bet on an event in which the participants can speak. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- It would appear that the Kittens don't appreciate felines playing for other clubs - if their brutal assault on Kitty Chan is anything to go by. Head Coach Kevin Shady was so incensed by the off-the-ball incident that he stormed out onto the ground at quarter time making threatening gestures at Persian Cat, the perpetrator of the incident, who flattened Kitty Chan from behind as he came off the interchange bench. In fact, thanks to Persian Cat, the Herons have made their first trip to the hospital in 4 years. (This is our 5th season.) With the Himeji home crowd urging them on, the rest of the game became a blood bath. Both Waka and Taka lifted ... their opponents off the ground and brought them down to earth WWF-style. It didn't take long to expose the Kittens as the spineless creatures they are - with their C, CHF, and FF all going down. It all would have been a one-sided affair had not the freakish Meow Meow kept the Kittens in it with a 10 goal BOG performance. Perhaps of greater concern than the severe injuries to Kitty Chan is the presence of a mysterious figure keeping a silent vigil beside her hospital bed.... This week we travel away to the Groundhogs. Ironically, the team will be slightly stronger with the return of Mini Ross. Let's hope the trauma of last week doesn't impair our performance. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights lost a close match to the Goons, dropping to 5 and 5 with 5 to go. Lost in the defeat was the outstanding play of Neve Campbell, who played in the game while wearing John Shania's uniform. The crowd didn't even realize the change of personnel. One woman, Mrs. Olive Spamm, of Leeds, exclaimed "John Shania was so fast today, I was very impressed. And those legs?! How curvy and shapely for such a brutal game." Mrs. Spamm's companion, Mrs. Evvy Dent, was less concerned with Neve than she was the afternoon edition of the paper. "Says here that Buffalo is being sued because they have a player named Himeji. Fancy that. And I thought that Himeji was just a palindrome for Bolton." Mrs. Spamm angrily spat, "A palindrome? The palindrome of Bolton is Notlob." Mrs. Dent pondered, "Maybe it was a pun." In regional news, the Manix Maulers were unable to play last week as the pitch was being used for a Pokemon trading card swap meet. Expect the Maulers to resume footy (or at leat, the thing they have been doing that _they_ call footy) sometime next week, probably against the Radishes. The Maulers play well against the Radishes, especially in potato salad. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- >From the pages of the Manix News Digest: Smilin' Pete Zinger, the Maulers' press secretary and walking pharmaceutical lab, checked in with his handlers late yesterday. Smilin' Pete escaped the evil clutches of the evil Buffalo Knights, was shanghaied by the Himeji Herons, got to know Kitty Chan in the Biblical sense of the word, and has just made a special delivery of espionage-related items to none other than the Darwin Destroyers. "Hey, it's great to be in Darwin. Who's from out of town? Here's a quick impression of John Spleen.." said Smilin' Pete at a brief press conference. Manix takes on Rockdale this week, the last regular-season match for the Maulers where their opponent has the same beginning letter for their first and last names. In other news, scientists are baffled why there's a damn ">" at the beginning of Manix's press when Dave doesn't indent. Left unchecked, this spells disaster for the universe as we know it. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Mythstics' Press Crypt, lit by the guttering candles and the dull = glow of Venusia's crystal ball, was finally back in action this week. But the = media seemed determined to ask foolish questions about penguins and fishing = spots and ignore SPARF. And who can blame them? After all, The Mythstics have = dropped dangerously near the relegation zone,=20 certainly aren't contenders this year and who cares what their coach has = to say? For the record the late Walt, channeled by Venusia, proclaimed himself = "proud of the boys" and warned "things are going to lighten up soon", though whether he was = referring to the recent winter solstice or the on field performance of his players = is anyone's guess.=20 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The Circus Stars broke their five game losing skid last week, just in time for the perennial matchup with their arch-rivals, the Petawawa Platapusses. The Platapi are once again at the top of the Gold division, and the Circus Stars are definite underdogs. But this is where they've often been so successful. With pizza and/or beer on the line, the Circus Stars usually play inspired footy. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Dang dem der wes cost Mandarins R tuff. Weez iz hop in dat da wes cost Circus Stars R nut so tuff. Wee iz gunna tri da BHB sue weep. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Whoops, missed the press again. Support your Local Team! W L T 5 5 0 Go Rowdy Yobbos!