SPARF Press Week 12 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- The Blues roll on. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- The doctors have certainly been working overtime in the last two weeks. This trend will need to stop. Suprisingly still undefeated, the town of Christminster remains in a state of shock. Perhaps the Kittens will help shake the complacency which is starting to creep in. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Darwin Destroyers ------------------------------------------------------- What a surprise! That was truly an upset. I only wish I knew how we did it. For once I really tried to figure out what happened from the stats. Veteran mobile Chester Williams had a fantastic game (for example 7 goals!), totally dominating in his position. There was also a surperb defensive effort from the entire team. Since we were totally outclassed in all mobiles, it was a major league surprise. Not that we're complaining. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- An average week for TinHead overall. There were 4 upsets in Gold and 1 in Silver last round. TinHead offers the following odds for the coming round: GOLD California Sluggers 9/2 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/6 Victorian Mandarins 1/25 v Black Company 20/1 Uluru Dingoes 13/8 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 8/15 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 7/2 v New Sturt Blues 2/9 Limboland Mists 1/7 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 6/1 Seren City Supers 4/9 v Darwin Destroyers 15/8 The Mythstics 6/4 v Buffalo Knights 4/7 Nar Nar Goon 4/9 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 15/8 SILVER Air-Pacific Groundhogs 8/11 v CSUA EVENS Newcastle Novas 20/1 v Sherwood Bandits 1/25 Himeji Herons 1/9 v Wallamaloo Philosophers 7/1 Roxburgh Kittens 5/2 v Christminster Clerics 1/3 Manix Maulers --- v Windy Hill Superstars 250/1 Rockdale Radishes 9/4 v Melbourne Bloods 4/11 Daveland Warriors 8/1 v Silicon Valley Angels 1/11 Never bet on an event in which the participants can speak. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The Herons' received numerous e-mails during the week, congratulating us on our "funny" press last week. Thanks, guys. Unfortunately, we fail to see how a player (esp. Kitty Chan) being sent to hospital could ever be considered funny, you callous b*****ds!!!! We were very happy to notch up our 10th win for the season, last week. We've now achieved two of our season's goals, 10 wins and thrashing the Bloods. For the rest of the season we can focus on achieving our other two goals - promotion to Gold and defeating the Destroyers. We notice that the Destroyers won again last week. You can run, but you can't hide! This week we take on the Philosophers. We have to restrict their score so we can reclaim our position as the #1 defensive team in Silver. Kicking a big score to make as the #1 offensive team would be neat, too! Before the Destroyers pipe up, we'd like to point out that there is no way we could ever be more offensive than they. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights returned to the winning form with a triumph over the Techsters and in doing leapt back into the middle of the Cup run. "It's amazing," says Coach Bridget Fonda, "that there's so many teams at 5-6 and 6-5. Just about anyone can make the finals." Coach Fonda then complimented her team's effort and as a reward for that effort each player received a kiss on the cheek from Neve Campbell. Ms. Campbell is in town filming her new movie. "I wanted to film in Buffalo, not that ridiculous Manix," she laughed, " with all of those cows running loose and that Smilin' freak who keeps pinching my ass." One woman, Mrs. Olive Spamm, of Leeds, wanted to talk about last week's game instead. "John Deadpool is a man. A man's man. A manly man." Her companion, Mrs. Evvy Dent, was confused by those comments. "A manly man's man? I thought you said he was a bloody git? A man's manly man, oh yeah? I think you're a turncoat." The two then began what can only be described as a particularly ugly spat involving handbags, hairbrushes and improper use of cosmetics. In regional news, the Manix Maulers were unable to confirm or deny rumors that Kitty Chan was a guest at the Manix palace. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix News Digest: Manix operatives this week discovered that Bridget Fonda, purported Head Coach of the Buffalo Knights, hasn't shown up for work in over a month. The nasty rumor that is going around Buffalo Headquarters is that Cloris Leachman is now running the show. In other news, John Brain of the Buffalo Knights became supreme ruler of the world for a few seconds. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- "For too long now the altar has been idle." Venusia's voice echoed sepulchrally in the empty Press Crypt. "Ed, the ... Owners... demand propitiation. Let me see, now..." She quickly scanned a computer printout. "Hmm, I see that Roger Curtis has 3 weeks hospitalisation = after the last game." Venusia sighed. "Those insurance premiums can be pretty steep for all-winter Antarctic cover, Ed. I think you know what must be done..." "Yup!" said Ed, shuffling off towards the hospital ward.=20 And then, "Dang! Poor ol' Roger."=20 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Will the real Circus Stars please stand up? Thus far this year, the Circus Stars have been doing their best 'Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde' impression, fielding either the defending Sparf Cup champions, or a team full of inept has-beens. Last week, the defending Sparf Cup champions showed up to oust the much more highly ranked Petawawa Purple Platapi, putting on an impressive goal-kicking demonstration. But who knows what time will show up this week. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Sir Cuss Stirs! No mor Lanterns 4 U! Loopy Creature PPP Lantern Nazi ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Rockdale Radishes ------------------------------------------------------- A hard week on the training track for the young team from Rockdale this week as they prepare to go to war against the overly confident Melbourne Bloods. After some terribly poor showings in recent weeks against teams they expected to be competitive against, the Radishes will be treating this week's match as a mini grand final in the knowledge that only the bye and the expansion teams are to come in the regular season. The Radishes are yet to beat the Bloods in their short history, but this will be their best chance even with the loss of champion young ruckman Bulldog McGregor this week due to injury. Look out Melbourne...the Radishes want Blood!!! This week's match will be dedicated to the memory of Radish defensive veteran Steve Gibson, who unfortunately past away after a tragic incident during last week's match in Manix. A late tackle by Manix player Hans Ravensburg on Gibson right on the half time siren, sparked a fierce all-in-brawl between all 42 players as well as a couple of the local Manix idiots/crowd members. After several minutes of players belting each other, the fight dispersed and Gibson surprisingly emerged unscathed from the bottom of the pack but exhausted from throwing so many punches. He hurriedly grabbed for a water bottle as he walked into the players change rooms, but unfortunately spilt the water all over the concrete floor, causing the stops of his boots to lose grip with the concrete and propel him high into the air only to land head first, killing him instantly. Rockdale sources suspect Manix hired a highly intelligent assassin to carefully plant a banana peel to 'knock off' Gibson who was dominating the game at the time. Investigations are continuing.