SPARF: Press week 14 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- King Sunny (coach of Christminster) would not be drawn into commenting on the upcoming - fortnight away - top of the table match against the Herons. When Heron's management starting talking this up about 5 weeks ago - it didn't seem likely that both teams would survive undefeated..... but now.... There was some dissappointment about losing the top position to the Herons. Watch out out Novas we want some percentage!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Darwin Destroyers ------------------------------------------------------- Well we got another upset. Sorry tinhead. On a sadder note, the management has been investigating the injury to upcoming star Kris Ruuchters. There were reports that a man matching the description of Darren Buick was seen near the field throwing beer cans at Darwin players, hitting young Kris in the head. Unfortunately, the cans weren't empty and Ruuchters suffered a serious "knock on the head". Did I mention we're looking for a new team doctor?! The allegations are being taken seriously since Buick conveniently got himself removed from the Heron game. Considering the Heron's obsession with the Destroyers as the source of all their problems we have no choice but to take the reports serious. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- A good week for TinHead overall. There were 2 upsets in Gold and 1 in Silver last round. TinHead offers the following odds for the coming round: GOLD Port Coquitlam Circus Stars EVENS v Uluru Dingoes 4/5 Victorian Mandarins 4/11 v New Sturt Blues 9/4 Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/12 v California Sluggers 10/1 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 4/9 v Black Company 15/8 Buffalo Knights 1/2 v Limboland Mists 13/8 Seren City Supers 2/1 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 2/5 The Mythstics 1/6 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 5/1 Darwin Destroyers 9/2 v Nar Nar Goon 2/11 SILVER CSUA 9/2 v Himeji Herons 2/11 Newcastle Novas 500/1 v Christminster Clerics --- Wallamaloo Philosophers 4/5 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 4/5 Roxburgh Kittens 1/3 v Sherwood Bandits 5/2 Melbourne Bloods 14/1 v Manix Maulers 1/16 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 4/5 v Silicon Valley Angels EVENS Rockdale Radishes 1/7 v Windy Hill Superstars 11/2 Never bet on an event in which the participants can speak. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Himeji has been the scene of celebrations all week this week, after the Herons gained top spot in Silver. When asked why such huge celebrations, Kevin Shady responded, "with a game against the Novas next week, the Clerics will regain top spot. We then go on to play the Clerics in the final round, and who knows who'll win that, so we're enjoying top spot while we can." Against the Novas, Gaijin Da leapt into the silver goal-scoring top 10 with a 10 goal haul. Unfortunately for Gaijin, he was pipped for BOG honours by Mini Ross, who kicked 12 goals, took 14 marks and 22 defgoods. We imagine that the Clerics will make both these players look tame by comparison. :( The CSUA are going to be in trouble this week, with the return of Kitty Chan to the line-up. Kitty used her lay-off to extremely good effect, with many a make-over and manicure. Watch out for her Neve Cambell lip-job. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- This week's triumph over the Supers guarantees the Knights a winning record in Gold. Unfortunately, the competition all won this week so there are no guarantees for the Cup Finals. John Deadpool, the unofficial leader of the Knights, was beaming after his 6 goal game held up. "Yes, we're very excited." Deadpool's comments were interrupted by John Heretic, who thought he was the unofficial leader of the Knights. "How the hell could you be the unofficial leader of the Knights? Do you even have any points this season?" quipped an angry Deadpool. Heretic was just as angry. "Hey, you can be the unofficial leader of the Knights and still play defense, you know!" John Spleen tried to settle the matter by claiming to be the unofficial leader of the Knights since he's the elder statesman of the team, but Deadpool would have none of it. "Who is the best marker? Best defender? Me. I am the unofficial leader of the Knights and you can't even debate the point." Bridget Fonda, annoyed by the din, entered the room and handed a gun to Neve Campbell, who gladly shot John Deadpool. Deadpool's status for next week's game against the Mists, who need a victory to remain in the Cup hunt, is problematic. Specialists at the Buffalo Overly Overwhelming Bullet Operation Operations are simply having trouble locating the entry wound. While the surgery goes on, spectators are allowed to enjoy the surgical action provided by the Buffalo News Network on closed circuit tv in the hospital. Two of those spectators, Mrs. Olive Spamm, of Leeds, and her companion, Mrs. Evvy Dent, discussed the process with the media, their families and in general anyone who will listen. "Sure they've stabilized his condition, but they have to get the damn thing out of there," Olive blasted, "they haven't got the jewels to go looking for it, have they?" Evvy disagreed, "Oooh, no, they have to stop the bleeding first. They can go back in and find the bullet later when his strength is better." Olive was vehement, "They'll risk a nasty infection with that tactic you useless git." Evvy then removed a frozen rump roast from her handbag and bashed Olive with it. "I got your infection right here you stupid blithering tart!" Interns and nurses were able to separate the pair before additional surgeries were necessary. Good luck to everyone in the playoff hunt. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- >From the pages of the Manix News Digest: Lots of injuries are projected this week and next among the Manix Maulers. Hospital directors' mouths are watering, jetloads of warm bodies are in a holding pattern over Manix International Airport, and Manix undertakers are humming merry tunes. Yes, it's time again for Manix to prepare for r-l. To the Sea Hawks and Bloods: please don't hurt Zack Wheat. He has a wife and three children to support. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The altar fire glared again amid the Antarctic winter darkness like a = ... Well, you know the story - stoke the altar, bring on the next opponent. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The Circus Stars, currently mired in the bottom of a 5 way tie for 3rd place, or a 3-way tie for seventh place, depending on how you look at it, have no time for amusing or even informative press.