SPARF: Press week 19 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- The lack of uncorrupted week 17 results means that TinHead is unable to offer odds this week. However, TinHead expects the Victorian Mandarins to defeat the Krazy Kenora Kangari in the Grand Final by approximately 13 points. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Seated in the only remaining grass pitch of Buffalo Stadium, Neve Campbell calmly sips tea with Knights' Head Coach/Trainer/General Manager/PR Manager/Seamstress Bridget Fonda. "So, Last game, eh?" Bridget nods. "We'd be playing for the title but we kept losing games by one point because we never sent in training or lineups. Still, despite losing, at least we get to comment on that point in great detail." "Mm, how gratifying", Neve added, "to always have a bad excuse." The Knights took the league finale poorly, even resurrecting the spirits of some poor dead players to assist them in their grief therapy. John Not and Iron Man, Buffalo legends of years past, came back from the dead in hopes of pre- and post-game celebrations only to be stabbed and killed by new security guard Sarah Michelle Gellar as they entered the practice facility. John Biggerstaff missed the final game while his wife gave birth, ending years of speculation that he was, in fact, in love the a goat in a certain other Sparf team's management circle. John Kong Phooey, John Leoni and newcomer Bob Smoth missed the final team practice. They were using their cellphones to try and dial into the "millionaire" gameshow and ask Regis if he has Prince Albert in a can. John Schmeh, John Shania and John Chris were banned from the final practice for using an illegal substance - namely, their brains. Tom Ingles, Trent Grover and Deano Collins hosted a Halloween party that went sadly awry. John Hotshot was killed with an axe through his empty head. The axe didn't kill him; the air rushing in did. John Smith was stabbed with an ice pick by Sharon Stone. Sharon was looking suspiciously like John Deadpool in drag, but no arrests were made. John Bogetto teamed up with warmbodied Penelope to play a joke and tie John Twotone to a tree. Which was fine until they forgot him and he was devoured by some rogue carnivore Kangari. John Agoraphobia and John Borchardt were arrested for protesting the release of the new Blair Witch movie on grounds that the first one was too stupid to warrant a sequel. John DWJK and John Pamm are gone missing. No together, just missing. John 3:16 and John Sorvino were secretly married last Tuesday night in a ceremony performed by Kitty Chan's evil twin Puppy Chan. John Salma and John Brain were maid of honor and best man, but not necessarily in that order. That's about all from KBUF radio. It's been fun for the most part and the players and management of the Buffalo Knights wish their best to the other players, managers and Mel in their respective realities. That is all. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- >From the pages of the Manix Apocalypse Watch newsletter: It's been an interesting week in Manix. The Manix Maulers' last official match in SPARF is against their arch-nemesis, the Buffalo Knights. What metaphysical forces could have aligned to pit The Armies of Light and Truth [Manix] against the Minions of Evil and Darkness and Halitosis [Buffalo]? It is none other than Fate's ineffable plan that The War of Olde be fought in the last sanctioned round of SPARF. Here's hoping that the Knights have good medical and dental insurance coverage. Ironically, Manix also received a delightful email from none other than the real LAURA SCHWENDINGER this week. First some background. The Air-Pacific Groundhogs have some wonderful player names, but none can hold a candle to the name Laura Schwendinger. The 'Hoggies discovered this name by going through Berkeley's student list (if I recall correctly) and promptly named a rookie after her. Eventually, the Groundhogs got an email from one Laura Schwendinger, who was doing a search on the web for herself and discovered that her namesake was being used in an extraordinarily negative context, namely, SPARF. Complaining that she had not given permission for the 'Hoggies to use her name, she threatened the Air-Pacific manager. The manager sent this to kibitz and was fearful of continuing SPARF. Or something like that. I may have inadvertently gotten bits of the story wrong.. In response to Ms. Schwendinger's threats, other SPARF managers took it upon themselves to plant her rather unique name all over the place. Tim and I mentioned her in our press, CSUA and Limboland mention her in their homepages. Which brings us to this week's email from Laura Schwendinger: Well, actually, the email address was LeSchwend@aol.com (Laura Elise Schwendinger), but you'll see that the author may be using a pseudonym or she may have gotten married: ==== [No Subject] Can you tell me who is responsible for this web site address: http://www.eskimo.com/~bleach/sparf/press/press98/press4.txt L. Chinn ==== So I wrote back: ==== That web page is hosted by me if that's what you mean. However, these are press releases for an online game and the contributions are made by players all over the world. The files come out and I post them but I don't control their content. Be sure to check out these too: sparf/press/press98/press3.txt sparf/press/press99/press5.txt sparf/press/press99/press9.txt sparf/press/press99/press10.txt sparf/press/press00/press4.txt sparf/press/press00/press6.txt - Dave ==== L Chinn wrote back once more and politely asked for information about this online game and so I told her about it, but also mentioned that it's almost over. Finally, in other news, an explosion tore through the Manix Super Secret Compound Where Weapons of Untold Evil are Manufactured Facility. The resultant cloud of toxic gas unfortunately floated downwind to the Manix Central Nuclear Plant whereupon all hands perished and subsequently all nuclear reactors melted down. Even more unfortunately, the reactor meltdown happened to trigger seismic activity that produced a huge earthquake with the Island of Manix sitting placidly at ground zero. Yet even more unfortunately, the rift created by this monstrous earthquake opened a rift leading to the center of the earth, which allowed demons from Hell to capture and enslave all citizens of Manix (except for Smilin' Pete Zinger, who's a close personal friend of Old Scratch). As the doomed Fair Republic of Manix sank slowly beneath the sea, Radio Pago Pago intercepted the following transmission from Manix, thought to be their final farewell: MANIX THANKS MEL FOR A FUN 5 YEARS, EVAN FOR HIS SCRIPTS, CRAIG FOR DFS, CHRIS, CRAIG, AND TIM FOR OUR PRESS WARS, MYTHSTICS FOR BRILLIANT PRESS, GARTH FOR HIS TALES OF WOE TIPS, AND SCOTT FOR DOING KYBB FOR A WHILE HEY LOOK, A DOLPHIN FINALLY WE WANT TO SAY BLUB BLUB HA HA NO SERIOUSLY FINALLY WE WANT TO SAY THAT WE LOVE YOU ALL EXCEPT FOR THE WHINY ONES GOOD NIGHT AND DRIVE SAFELY transmission ends