------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- The Clerics are still waiting for the Bloods to turn up, in the mean time we had a bit of circle work. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- What a season this is turning out to be! Not only are we deprived of playing the Destroyers (although we will enjoy seeing them lose every week!), but in our first match of the season we cop FIVE injuries! Thank goodness we have a bye next week to give us a bit of time to lick our wounds. In the Battle of the Birds, the Seahawks' Full back single-handedly managed to take out 4 of our players. The Herons were completely dominating play, and half-way through the first quarter, full-forward Michael Lloyd had already racked up 3 goals. That's when Ted Whitten struck first, sending Lloydy from the field. Shortly afterwards, Darren Buick who came in off the bench, cleaned up John Smith in the pocket, only to have Whitten run across and cleaned him up from behind. Then just before half-time, Whitten cleaned up his third opponent, rookie Yebisu Biiru on debut. Not a very nice welcome to the competition! Later in the game, Whitten took out his fourth opponent, Connor O'Ryan, who had spent more time evading the rampant Whitten than finding the ball. The game finished with the Herons having only one player in their forward line, making scoring difficult and taming what would otherwise have been a handy percentage booster. The lack of the Destroyers in our league has also prompted us to reassess our goals for the season. They are now as follows: 1) Win at least 10 games. 2) Beat the Destroyers during relegation. 3) Thrash the Melbourne Bloods by an obscene margin. (After all - half their team are Heron has-beens.) 4) Get promoted to Gold. Paul, you still owe me some beer - or do you want to make it double or nothing? Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- A perfect record dispelled too soon by a bunch of rodents. Where do we line up to complain? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- Off to a good start. Let's hope the Kittens can keep it up. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights held a brief meeting after the narrow loss to the Blues. "They have obviously," stated John Sorvino plainly, "figured out a way to cheat. I think it was a movement of the goalposts while the ball was in mid-air. Or maybe it was wind sheer. Or genetic manipulation." The team was quick to dismiss the notion that they might have simply fallen to a superior opponent with a higher seed and better players. Rookie John Schmeh disagreed, "Naw, seeds is dumb." In Maulers news, the Knights were not deceived by the move of Manix management from one coast t'other. "Simply put," laughed John Shania, "they can run but they surely cannot hide. We've struck Gold already. I tossed some red dye into their washers after practice last week." The press nodded approval; finally, someone had explained why the Maulers played last week in pink jumpers. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- >From the pages of Cheektowaga Bee: Free Pest Removal Stirs Controversy Buffalo NY (AP): Citizens of Buffalo are less than thrilled with an offer from a local pest control company. Promoting "free pest inspection and removal" and patented "Fume-O-Gate-O-Tron Technology," XINAM Pest Control has been flooded with calls from area residents and businesses. However, police investigations into some complaints showed that XINAM Pest Control is actually a controversial eco-terrorist group. A XINAM Pest Control spokesperson responded to the controversy surrounding the mass extermination of Buffalo late yesterday. "Hey, we don't deny that we consider all humans in Buffalo as 'pests.' We take our company mission statement very seriously. We won't rest until all of Buffalo has six legs up in the air. Well, two legs. Whatever." When asked as to the future expansion plans of XINAM Pest Control, the spokesperson simply smiled and said "Hey, well, let's just say that Gary Ablett and his trained chimp had better be careful what they put their vegemite on in the next few days." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Antarctica, sometime this week: The Mythstics' Press Crypt abuzz with = media=20 wanting to quiz Coach Walt Dythney about the shock win over the Yobbos. = For those who came in late, Walt Dythney, multi-zillionaire cartoonist and = theme park developer, is, sadly, long deceased. But via the skills of The = Mythstics' media relations consultant, psychic, medium and (for all we know) gypsy=20 princess, Madame Venusia, the spirit of Walt is able to communicate his training instructions to the team...and his post-match comments to the = press. "I am delighted with the way the boys played. We outsmarted the Yobbos = and hung on courageously to win by a single point. It won't be so easy next = week=20 but I've got a little something up my sleeve..." Venusia sat on the = Press=20 Crypt podium, slumped over a small table, crystal ball aglow and the = eery voice=20 of Coach Walt echoing from her lips. "It'll be double screenings of "Ol' = Yeller"=20 this week in preparation for what could be our toughest match of the = season so far."=20 Death clearly hadn't dulled Walt's enthusiasm for good, wholesome family entertainment. But, as the seance wound to its conclusion with curator,=20 Mythster Ed, wheeling out the tea trolley, it was a little odd that none = of=20 the Press thought to ask the obvious question - if Venusia is so good at = predicting the future, how come she doesn't know who The Mythstics' next = opponents are? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Introducing the new national pastime! Watch the Circus Stars plummet down the rankings! >From their number one seed, and the current position atop the Gold ladder, watch as they drop down the standings week by week. Will they drop one position, or seven? Get beaten by a vastly superior team, or a slightly superior one? Or will they fluke out completely and win, just to vex the odds-makers? Don't miss the fun! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Rockdale Radishes ------------------------------------------------------- An expected first up loss to the Kittens should be followed by another = loss to the Bandits. Consistency is the key to success! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- The groaning... Support your Local Team! W L T 0 1 0 Go Rowdy Yobbos!