SPARF: Press week 4 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- Ah what a difference getting orders in makes..... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- King Sunny had another difficult week explaining to the public of Christminster why they sat around in CCG all saturday watching the lads doing warm-ups. It turns out we had a bye - but no one had bothered checking until the late in the afternoon. end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- After three "upsets" last week, some of the Gold matches are starting to look closer. Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Silver. GOLD Port Coquitlam Circus Stars --- v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 10000/1 Darwin Destroyers 500/1 v Victorian Mandarins --- Uluru Dingoes 13/8 v Limboland Mists 4/9 New Sturt Blues --- v Seren City Supers 4000/1 Buffalo Knights 500/1 v Petawawa Purple Platypi --- Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 100/1 v Krazy Kenora Kangari --- The Mythstics 1/50 v California Sluggers 33/1 Black Company 40/1 v Nar Nar Goon 1/70 SILVER CSUA --- v Windy Hill Superstars 10000/1 Himeji Herons 200/1 v Manix Maulers --- Christminster Clerics --- v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 10000/1 Melbourne Bloods 100/1 v Wallamaloo Philosophers --- Roxburgh Kittens --- v Silicon Valley Angels 10000/1 Rockdale Radishes 10000/1 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs --- Sherwood Bandits --- v Daveland Warriors 10000/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The Herons remain undefeated this week after a sensational display of football against SPARF newcomers, the Windy Hill Superstars. Knowing the pressure would be off last week, the Herons rested their key mobiles and instead put last year's rookies on the ball - and on the ball they were! Kitty Chan was at the pinnacle of cuteness, beguiling friend and foe alike into a best-on-ground performance which included 16 marks (count them - one, two, three ...) and kicking a higher score than the Superstars' team combined! If only Anpan Man could have been as impressive. Instead, he featured in a classic duel with his opposing ruck, Michael Barnes. Honours went slightly to Barnes, edging out Man on the basis of his superior defensive work in an outclassed team. Unfortunately for the Superstars, that was as close as it got. The bulk of their effort was spent in wresting the ball from the Herons, with few opportunities to use it. The best example of the overall dominance of the Herons comes from our full back, Fraser Sinclair. He spent most of the day captivated by Kitty Chan, finishing the game without a single effective stat. His opponent managed a solitary wiss for the day, and their entire forward line managed a total of just 7 points from 7 shots on goal. At the end of the day, the Herons were full of praise for their younger, inexperienced opponents who never gave up throughout the day, and for their fair style of play. Coming up this week, the Herons take on the Maulers. These two sides have met each other just once (during relegation 2 years ago), so the Herons are extremely glad they go into the game with a full-strength line-up. By contrast, the Maulers paid dearly for their victory over the Philosophers, and so the Herons should start odds-on favourites. Still, the lead-up to this game has not been without some controversy. Ex-Heron, Tim Darcie, is suspected of staging an injury last week in an attempt to avoid playing against his old side. Meanwhile, Manix espionage experts managed to obtain a bogus copy of the Herons proposed line-up. In a major coup, Heron counter-espionage geeks duped the guys from Manix into exchanging a copy of their own bogus line-up for the Herons'. The Herons' banner this week will be a giant replica of the craftly obtained scouting report, which the players will run through before running through the Manix players during the pre-match warm-up. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- We're off to a good start, preying on the weaker teams in Bronze. As they like to say in the press, we're 3-0 but have yet to face a team over .500 in the standings. Outstanding work from the forward and half-forward lines is letting us get some low percentage shots. And, in a surprising change from the norm, more than half our points are coming out of those two lines! Kitty Litter, speaking for all the mobiles, said "I welcome the help. It gives us a chance to rest our feet during the game." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights' managed another win and most importantly they did so without benefit of injuring their own roster too horribly. Trainer Bridget Fonda was upset. "Yes, dammit, we're trying to break a few guys out there but for some reason these morons actually trained in the off-season and are in great shape. Damn!" In local Buffalo news, Gary Ablett and a simian cohort were found breaking into the Esteemed and Striking Tower-Eternal of Friendly Animal Neutering. No word on which of the pair was due for a, ahem, procedure. However, the visit was paid for with a cashiers check from the account of a Manix supporter at twice the normal fee. No word on whether the Banco-de-Manix knew they were dishing out double or not. This week the Knights face the Top ranked and high-scoring PPP team. The Purple Ones had only one injury in the last game which means the Knights' faithful betting bring the whoppin' stix or pray for rain! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of Manix Television Times: Yes, it's sweeps time again on The Manix Channel. TV producers across our fair Republic are pulling out all of the stops to make this a season to remember. Your best bets: John Spleen Assassination Attempts Caught On Tape Manager Barry's Greatest Whingings Pastor John Hagee Gets Caught For Embezzlement and Experiences His Own Personal Sodom in Jail! Live! The Loopy Creature vs. Bob Dillon Political Debates Shocking Human Atrocities: The Real Reason Manix Players Are Perpetually Injured All Eastenders and Neighbours Episodes Back-to-Back-To-Back Nuclear Winter Comes To Khatovar Check Out The Guy Who Is Way Too Into Safety In The Workplace Can Laura Schwendinger Find This Web Page? All Eastenders and Neighbours Episodes Back-to-Back-To-Back All Eastenders and Neighbours Episodes Back-to-Back-To-Back ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Mythstics were hard at work on the training glacier when the media contingent arrived to film, photograph and interview this week. A welcome change from the usual Press Seance, the sub-freezing temperatures, high winds and low sun angles caused a few technical hitches; but nothing Ed couldn't fix with a wad of gum and a bit of spit.=20 "Shucks, you boys're looking frozener than a..." he began before a meaningful glare from Venusia silenced him. Venusia was herself scarcely recognisable in her chic fur-lined parka with matching boots, mittens and earrings. "They have to train harder this week to make up for the loss to the Circus Stars. In spite of inflicting massive injuries we failed to match their mobiles so Coach Walt has instituted his 'all mobile' training regime. Lets face it, if anyone stops to catch his breath in this weather he'll freeze solid!" Venusia quipped, hastily=20 distracting the cameras as Ed nonchalantly tossed a couple of=20 solidified rookies over his shoulders and headed for the relative warmth of the Press Crypt. "No predictions this week, other than snow on Wednesday." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- Coach Nemeth remains unexcited about the Groundhogs being atop Silver. "I've seen it too many times, a 3-0 team just taking a nose dive and falling flat on its face, sort of like my Music History students. Come to think of it, these guys *are* my Music History students!" The Coach was seen later on in the day busily making conversions from music theory to the field in weird, eso- teric ways. One thing's for sure, these Hogs sure know a lot more about 15th Century Art Music than your average SPARFer! This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. ________________________________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free E-mail from MSN Hotmail at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Circus Stars get mugged!! The Mythstics sent 3 more Circus Stars to the hythspital last week, forcing already injured player coach 'Sling' to come off the bench and into the game. He lasted exactly one play before he, too was sent to hospital. Which leaves the Circus Stars 5 men short for the next few games. Hastily recruited players 'BodyBag', 'BodyBuilder' and 'BodyBlow' will fill in. Team spokespeople insist that these players are key ingredients for the teams future, and "not just warm bodies we're sticking in the lineup". ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Y iz weez N furstest plase wen weez iz nut da bestest teem? Loopy Creature