From mel@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU Tue May 16 10:30:06 2000 Date: Tue, 16 May 2000 10:08:07 -0700 (PDT) From: Mel Nicholson To: adr@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU, kibitz@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU Subject: SPARF: Press week 5 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- A first for the season - training orders submitted in time for Press! :) Too bad I've nothing interesting to say :( Hmm, in a shock move, the owner's cats have been drafted into play this week's game. When asked about this, he refused to comment. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- I am sure whoever we play this week will put up more a fight (no disrepect to the Hawkes) end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- An acceptable week for TinHead, as there were only 3 upsets in Gold and 2 in Silver last round. TinHead offers the following odds for the coming round: GOLD Krazy Kenora Kangari 2/1 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 4/11 Victorian Mandarins 1/9 v The Mythstics 7/1 Uluru Dingoes 100/1 v Nar Nar Goon --- Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 500/1 v New Sturt Blues --- Petawawa Purple Platypi --- v Darwin Destroyers 10000/1 Limboland Mists 4/5 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 4/5 California Sluggers 4/13 v Seren City Supers 5/2 Buffalo Knights 1/25 v Black Company 17/1 SILVER Silicon Valley Angels 250/1 v CSUA --- Newcastle Novas 1/7 v Rockdale Radishes 5/1 Himeji Herons --- v Daveland Warriors 10000/1 Windy Hill Superstars 10000/1 v Christminster Clerics --- Manix Maulers 1/2 v Roxburgh Kittens 13/8 Air-Pacific Groundhogs 1/40 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 25/1 Melbourne Bloods 1000/1 v Sherwood Bandits --- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The Herons were very happy to come away with a comfortable 10 goal win over Mannix. Perhaps the best part was that again we avoided any injuries. Hopefully we can maintain this form against the Daveland Warriors this week, as next week we take on the resurgent Radishes - upset winners over the Groundhogs last week. Of course, we'd like to thank the Radishes for pushing the Herons up the standings by one. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- A 4-0 record against the bottom half of Silver so far. If we can go .500 over the rest of the season, we're looking at our best year so far. The team continues to show surprising strength at all positions, making us a balanced threat. We'll see whether or not this will work against the better teams. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The proud Knights managed an upset of the stuttering, stammering PPP to pull themselves to 3-1 on the season. How did they do it? GM Bridget Fonda was concise. "Wee iz tund by dem ..." Luckily, savvy veteran and mobile stud John Deadpool broke in and cut off poor Bridget before she verbally lobotomized herself. As for injuries, the Knights were finally successful in their "Bust Our Own Boys Silly" program (BOOBS), by splashing two guys into the training shed for treatment. "Yeah, John Bogetto got herself nailed good out there," reported trained Bridget Fonda. "I think she tried to pursue Pierre O'Whet and tore out both her ACLs. She'll be gone a couple of weeks." Bridget laughed, then frowned. "Of course, stupid John Smith was pelted with some debris at 3/4 time and came out before any real damage was done. He's just not committed to getting injured." Manix Press Secretary Smilin' Pete Zinger was also committed. In fact, he was committed into the Buffalo University at Safe Harbor for Well-Honed Antiseptic Colon Kneading. Smilin' Pete wasn't smiling nearly as much when Nurse Rachet didn't warm the thermometer. This week the Knights face the Black Company, who appear to be much better on paper than their record would indicate. Luckily, the games aren't played on paper. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- >From the pages of the Manix News Digest: At a hastily assembled press conference late yesterday, Manix Press Secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, responded to questions regarding his change in medication. "Hey, purple forklift hummingbird." As if on cue, a giant hook appeared from stage left and dragged the euphoric Smilin' Pete away from the podium. The remainder of the press conference was devoted to manufacturing sleazy stories about Manix players' unhealthy obsession with Kitty Chan, what shocking medical condition doctors discovered in Hans Morganthaler during his brief stay in the Manix County Intensive Care Unit, and the big plans for giving Ballof Wool an atomic wedgie this week. Afterwards, the reporters broke out into a rousing production of Showboat, and then changed clothes and went Buffalo- Knight-tipping. "One of the more informative press conferences, anyway," said one veteran journalist. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Venusia rattled the ice cube in an empty glass. "You know, Ed," she = murmured, "reading ice cubes is harder than tea leaves...but...hmmm....yes, more accurate!" = She squinted at the ice cube and scribbled for a couple of minutes in her notebook. = Ed carried on sweeping and whistling. He knew better than to interrupt Venusia in a = cube reading. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The Circus Stars, decimated by injuries (six player including two mobiles will miss this weeks' game) will likely see their number one ranking slip away at the hands of the upstart Krazy Kangaroos. JesseTheBody and BodyDouble join BodyBlow, BodyBag, BodyBuilder and HardBody as the Circus Stars try to be the first number one ranked team to start six warm bodies in a single league game. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Weez iz jus tri an 2 kep R tales a buv water. Loopy Creature ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Rockdale Radishes ------------------------------------------------------- Last week in a huge upset the Radishes claimed the biggest scalp in their short history by defeating the highly fancied Air-Pacific Groundhogs by 3 points!!! Head coach Big Radish was thrilled with his team's efforts, just a little disappointed that he didn't put a dollar or two on the bookie when he saw the Radishes offered at 10000-1!!!!