From mel@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU Tue May 30 11:40:12 2000 Date: Tue, 30 May 2000 11:21:55 -0700 (PDT) From: Mel Nicholson To: adr@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU, kibitz@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU Subject: SPARF: Press week 7 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Pretty soon the going is gunna get tuff... Hopefully by then we will back to full strength. At least Pa Kettle can go back to cutting the oranges instead of carrying them this week! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Darwin Destroyers ------------------------------------------------------- Another week as the unexpected doormat of Gold. How come I'm not excited??? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- A poor week for TinHead, there were 4 upsets in Gold and 2 in Silver last round. TinHead offers the following odds for the coming round: GOLD Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/8 v Limboland Mists 6/1 Seren City Supers 16/1 v Victorian Mandarins 1/20 Buffalo Knights 1/40 v Uluru Dingoes 25/1 New Sturt Blues 11/8 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 8/13 Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/40 v The Mythstics 33/1 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 13/1 v Nar Nar Goon 1/16 California Sluggers 4/7 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 11/8 Black Company 1/25 v Darwin Destroyers 20/1 SILVER CSUA 8/15 v Manix Maulers 13/8 Warrnambool Sea Hawks EVENS v Newcastle Novas 4/6 Melbourne Bloods 100/1 v Himeji Herons --- Christminster Clerics 1/19 v Silicon Valley Angels 15/1 Wallamaloo Philosophers 1/4 v Rockdale Radishes 13/4 Roxburgh Kittens --- v Daveland Warriors 300/1 Air-Pacific Groundhogs --- v Windy Hill Superstars 1000/1 Never bet on an event in which the participants can speak. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- A seven goal haul to Michael Lloyd was the highlight of last week's game against the Radishes. It was a pity that his forward pocket counterparts could only manage 5 points between them. Fortunately, Peter Sommers rejoins the line-up for our long awaited clash with the Bloods. It's actually our first game away this week. (Our bye was officially an away game, so we spent the week soaking up the rays in Hawaii.) It will be interesting to see how we perform away from home, but can't wait to competely demoralise the Bloods in front of their own. But still, being the good sports that we are, we've promised the Red Cross a large donation this week. Our counter-espionage efforts have also been stepped up this week with the Radishes having consorted with the evil Destroyers and with the Bloods thinking along our lines with last week's press. Clearly, there are too many disturbed minds in the competition! Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Having evicted the Loopy Creature (bound and gagged) from his perch in our media room, the Kangari are poised for their next match. Against whom, we have not a clue. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights best win of the season, a triumph over the Circus Stars, was accomplished despite serious struggles. John Chris went onto the pitch wearing headphones, playing a tape that would self-destruct in 5 seconds. Unfortunately for Chris, the message warning that the tape would self- destruct in 5 seconds took 3 1/2 seconds and by the time Chris knew what was going on, the tape blew up next to Chris' ears. Bleeding from both sides of the skull, Chris managed only a couple more defgoods. John Hotshot overcame similar difficulty. Whenever he jumped up for a mark, he immediately slipped into slow-motion and rotated around 360 degrees. Disoriented by the fab special effects Dancing Elephant was using on him, Hotshot spent the entire game dizzy and nauseated. This week the Knights face the Dingoes and will enveil a new special effect of their own - a new stadium roof. Whenever the Uluru squad has the ball, the maintenance crew will quickly open the roof and let in the rain, making the advance difficult. Once the Knights take over, hostages from Manix will rush the pitch with hair-dryers, restoring the field to a dry, workable condition. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix News Digest: In 1972, a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team. And by the way, Smilin' Peter Zinger escaped from a Buffalo, New York prison by fashioning a makeshift derigible out of trash bags and a votive candle. Vatican sources were dismayed to hear of Smilin' Pete's escape - it's been a long time since they had a chance to do a sort of Spanish Inquisition on someone suspected of heresy. Smilin' Pete's close friends maintain that the charges against him were manufactured because he used to date Shannen Doherty while they both were on the set of "Sleeping With The Devil." Smilin' Pete's whereabouts are still unknown. If you see him, send a postcard to The Highly Esteemed Republic of Manix, City of Manix, Manix, Pacific Ocean. Winners will be be selected from all correct answers. No purchase necessary. Offer void in Buffalo and Himeji. In other news, Hans Ravensburg got confused between the PPP and the KKK and suffered an Injury 1. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- In just two weeks, the Circus stars have gone from first place to seventh, with no signs of anything improving. Trained Seal and Giraffe Unicycle, both starting mobiles, are still in hospital, leaving Confetti Launcher to carry the load. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Dem worm guize wee dun higherd wuz spozed 2 b a spear mint een spon ten E -Us hugh man calm bustion. Eets nut workin 2 gud. Loopy Creature ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Rockdale Radishes ------------------------------------------------------- In a disappointing display the Radishes were well and truly belted by the Himeji Herons last weekend. The Herons barely raised a sweat in trouncing the Radishes who will need to improve on their performance if they are to be considered a competitive side this year. Head coach Big Radish had this to say about the loss..."Obviously we're disappointed by that effort...and in hindsight the all night piss up the night before was probably a mistake. But hindsight is a wonderful thing though eh?" In other news the Radishes received a surprise as they arrived at the ground last weekend to find both the Herons and the Melbourne Bloods kitted up and ready to take to the field against the Radishes! "Obviously the Bloods got a little bit confused." Big Radish commented "We offered to play them after our match with the Herons or even take them both on at the same time...after all it was only the Bloods!" The situation was resolved when the Radish's reserves (and a few local kids off the street) put on CSUA jumpers and took the Bloods to a nearby ground, where they comfortably defeated the Bloods, and managed to injure a few of them as well!!