SPARF: Press week 8 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- A win and no serious injuries.... A good week at cleric-land. The only thing more disturbing that seeing Christminster atop the ladder would have to be see the goons near the top of gold... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Darwin Destroyers ------------------------------------------------------- Wow! A win in Gold! At least I don't have the indignation of being the only non-expansion team without a win. My apologies to the Black Company. As for the carrion-eaters, stop blaming your problems on us! You're beneath notice this season. We've got more important things to deal with, namely 15 teams in Gold! ouch, ouch, ouch ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- Another poor week for TinHead, there were 5 upsets in Gold and 2 in Silver last round. TinHead offers the following odds for the coming round: GOLD Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 4/13 v Seren City Supers 11/4 Buffalo Knights 13/8 v Victorian Mandarins 1/2 Uluru Dingoes 7/2 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 2/9 The Mythstics 9/1 v New Sturt Blues 1/12 Petawawa Purple Platypi 2/1 v Nar Nar Goon 2/5 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 7/1 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 1/9 California Sluggers 8/15 v Darwin Destroyers 6/4 Black Company 11/8 v Limboland Mists 8/13 SILVER CSUA 1/17 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 14/1 Melbourne Bloods 4/13 v Newcastle Novas 11/4 Himeji Herons 1/50 v Silicon Valley Angels 40/1 Rockdale Radishes 20/1 v Christminster Clerics 1/30 Wallamaloo Philosophers --- v Daveland Warriors 100/1 Windy Hill Superstars 300/1 v Roxburgh Kittens --- Sherwood Bandits 15/8 v Manix Maulers 4/9 Never bet on an event in which the participants can speak. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- ... and then there were two. Only 2 teams remain undefeated in Silver, the Herons and the Clerics. This is shaping up to be a block-buster finish, as we don't play each other until the final round. With any luck we'll both go undefeated until then. Congratulations also to the Destroyers on their first win of the season. Were the season to finish now, we'd be able to thump the Destroyers on their way back down into Silver. We're hoping you can work your way back down to the bottom of the ladder, because we want top spot in Silver! As to our match last week, overall it was rather disappointing. Beating the Bloods by a paltry fifteen goals, we also lost our leading goal scorer to a minor injury. It was probably the loss of Gaijin that restricted us to a margin of fifteen goals, because he'd already kicked five when he went off early in the match. We've had all sorts of trouble balancing the roster to compensate for his absence, and in the end we've gone with a radical new line-up. It'll be interesting to see how it performs compared to our regular line-up, but we're confident that we can still overcome the Angels. Finally, word is out that it'll cost Manix more than a postcard to get Smilin' Pete back. What, with Biiru brothers giving him a regular supply of beverages and with pictures of Kitty Chan posted on all the walls, who wouldn't be smiling? And now for a story. When I was in Uni. (undergrad as opposed to me at Uni. now), I lived on campus at the "Halls of Residence". There were five Halls, of which Richardson was clearly the best, but all Halls maintained a friendly rivalry. Across on the other side of the university, there was a private dormitory called Mannix. Nobody liked them then, nobody likes them now. Nobody will ever like anyone called anything remotely akin to Mannix - no matter how many 'n's you use! To prove this, the Herons are this week initiating a poll of the SPARF clubs. Mail your responses to the following question to the Himeji Herons FC (TO:MUNCH SBJ:forward:heron). We the _(your club here)_ think the following of the Man(n)ix: A) Unreal. Please double our medication immediately. B) We are grateful that Manix exists to boost our ranking in SPARFdom. C) Yuck. Mel, please remove them from the competition. D) We have better things to do than to admit to the existence of Manix by responding to this poll. E) All of the above. The results of our poll will be published in next week's press. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights fell to the Dingoes. While many would credit the good lineup and play of the Uluru squad, most in Buffalo were blaming the loss on the injured John Kong Phooey. In a press release from John KP's press agents, John Yaya and John Smallberries, John stated "It wasn't me, it was a one- armed man. Honest." Most of the Knights' roster, though, wasn't impressed. "It ain't no one-arm man and nobody is wrapping nobody in plastic", was the gripe from John Smith. "We're finding that Phooey character no matter where he's hiding." John Borchardt recommended trying to find Phooey by decoding her dreams and John Spleen set up a bunch of traps with jelly donuts and pots of black coffee, in hopes of luring Phooey. This week? The Mandarins, we think. In any event, even if the Knights don't play the Mandarins, that's who they are going to prepare for. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- >From the Sports Pages of the Manix Herald-Star-Patriot-News: Manix Sacks Team Doc Due To Excessive Deaths After it became increasingly clear to management that Manix players never ever recover from injuries, The Republic of Manix Bureau of Sports Medicine gave Ol' Doc MacGillicuddy, the Maulers' team doctor, his walking papers last weekend. MacGillicuddy had been with the Maulers for over 90 years, but lately his practice had come under scrutiny as players began complaining of his unorthodox cures for common injuries. An anonymous source literally spilled his guts on MacGillicuddy's methods: "Yeah, well, I don't doubt that Doc's degree in leechcraft is genuine, but Zack Wheat pulled a hamstring last week and Doc got out his hammer and chisel to do some cranial surgery on Zack because of a Smithsonian Exhibit he saw. And Hans Morganthaler started getting tendonitis, so Doc put bunches of dried thyme his gloves and socks and underpants." MacGillicuddy reportedly has been snapped up as the new shaman for the Viking Raiders. "It's rare that a practitioner of such cutting-edge medical knowledge comes available," said Uncle Steve, the Vikings Head Honcho. "This guy cured my nosebleed by cramming leeches up there. We're fortunate to have him." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Mythstics' mysterious Press Seance silence has coincided with a two = match winning streak. Or is it just coincidence? Madame Venusia isn't = saying, the Seance is on ice again and the talking will have to be on = the field. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The injury riddled Circus Stars continued to get pummelled mercilessly by upstart Gold cup wannabees. 'JesseTheBody' will go for a record this week as he makes the starting lineup for the 4th consecutive week, which as far as we know is a record for a warmbody. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Da BHB haz da furst oh an tree week. Wo R da BHB. Wee R Wee. Loopy Creature