SPARF: Press Week 1 Note from Mel's Desk: Games will run tomorrow. Please make every effort to get orders in if you haven't already, as week 1 is the worst week for you to get randon lineups, as there is no stock lineup to use as a template. difficult weeksince there is no stock lineup for fixlineup to work from. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- Gosh, another season starts! The Bandits official HQ has shifted 3 times since we started in SPARF - maybe this location will bring us luck? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- Lurking in the dark resesses of your mind is a flicker of light. It seems to be doing something, but you're not sure. It seems to be wearing glasses with a mustasche and nose attached. OHMYGODITSTHATDAMNEYEOFTHEBLACKCOMPANY!!!! It suddenly "leaps out" at you and engulfs you eagerly.... "Welcome back. This should be an annoying season for those Foo.. er, um players of mine. It seems that these smeg-heads think off-season training is sleeping with dead rats in the gutter and being stone drunk the rest of the time. Have you EVER tried to get a bottle from a gutter-bum?? Damn tough. It took two WEEKS to get them sobered up enough to sign the usual "Management is not responsible for Death or Dismemberment" clause." "In any case, Mine host is ready to get the stuffing kicked outta them by the Vikings.....maybe. We SHALL see......." The Glowing Golden Eye reappears with what looks like your teams' play book and liquer cabinent keys before it fades away..... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- Manager Barry finally emerged from his self-imposed exile this to watch the team at training. After watching the team training for a while and consulting some recent statistics on the players' ability levels, a smile crept across his face. "I don't think we've beaten the Spaz before, this should be fun." he was heard to murmur as he headed off to check out the change rooms at the new the prestigious and historic (albeit 6 month old) New Unley stadium. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Round 1 draws nigh, and the people of Himeji look expectantly toward the initial encounter of their new-found club. Then the Foster Falcons, the team got off to a disasterous start last season, losing their first 4 games straight. Can they improve on that? Our raving reporter, Kanji Bakari, asks the Herons Head Coach, Chris Paragreen. "We certainly are a much better side than last year. Right from the word go, our club policy has been one of youth. Run the opposition off their feet. Last season, our fresh recruits were up against more seasoned campaigners. Our skills simply weren't able to match it. While our side is still poor compared to the greats in Gold, compared to Bronze, I think we're the best. I honestly think we should be starting in Silver this year, not stuck in Bronze. We finished strongly last season, but left our run too late. Consequently we copped an impossible draw in the relegation matches. We were a match for the teams that got promoted. That's one thing our side is out to show this season." [Ed's Note: We're not trying to plagarise Loopy Creature's infamous syllabry, this is how most Japanese people actually speak English (on the rare occasion that they do)! Incidently, a '-' means you should double the length of the preceeding vowel.] "Za Heronzu fa-suto ge-mu izu ato ho-mu agensto wan obu za nyu squadzu. Hao muchi dazu zisu ge-mu mi-n tsu za Heronzu?" "I think we're quite lucky, actually. We were psyching ourselves up for an encounter with the Novas, but after a shuffle of clubs we find ourselves opening at home to a rookie squad. I hope we don't get into a over-confidence trap and blow it, but I think the guys realise how important our initial encounter is. I think they've been about beating the opposition by as much as possible, whether it be the Novas or someone else. The stadium will be just ready in time, it's gonna be a real gala event, which should get some extra momentum our way. We're really happy with Tickets sales to date, we might even get a full-house. Since the announcement of the draw, there's been a lot of media coverage and publicity. If we can come out with a comfortable win, it will really help our membership drive." The herons' first game is against last year's Silver team, the Newcastle Novas. Will this match be indicative of Chris' claim to really being a Silver team? "I don't think so," Chris responded, "the Novas are in a spot of bother at the moment. If they can pull themselves together, they might be able to make it back to Silver this season or if not next, but right now, I don't think they're in a position to do much except maybe against the inexperienced new clubs. We don't want to underestimate them, but we're certainly happy to be meeting them at the start of the season rather than at the end. It should be a good game, but I'll be disappointed if we dodn't come away with the points." [ P.S> Thanks to Loopy Creature's article on International English. As an English Teacher in Japan, I can get a *LOT* of mileage out of it! ] ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Buffalo Knights, infuriated by accusations of poor grammar on their part by the Manix Maulers organization as well as by the Manix Times-Call-Daily-Herald-Constitution-Chronicle, have openly challenged the Maulers to a grudge footy match in week one. At a press conference, manager Bridget Fonda explained that these rude allegations could not pass without a brutal, physical, demeaning reply. "We're gonna whip them up and make them eat their words." When informed that the Knights would play a different opponent in week 1, and that the schedules were already made for this season and that the Knights play in the Gold league while Maulers are still in Silver, Bridget simply scoffed and dismissed those notions, ignoring anyone who questioned her plan for revenge. "We have to get even with them. We're gonna show up on their own pitch and come high noon we will put the smack down on their ass." No word yet if the Knights intend to forfeit their scheduled Gold match that same day, or if the Maulers would be forced to cancel their Silver match scheduled for the very same time and place in the newly constructed and recently varnished ManixDome. Not one to pass up an opportunity for a cheap shot, Ms. Fonda questioned the intelligence behind the High Exalted and Greatly Esteemed Manix Bureau for Stadium Construction, who just finished their work after 17 years and 4.3 billion dollars spent. "Why is it called ManixDome? It isn't even a dome - the suns shines right down onto the grass. I mean, come on guys, if there is no roof, why call it ManixDome? How about ManixOpenHole?" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- Last year, David Clarke, formerly of the Supers, had a really nice SPARF web site that I used to visit just about every week. He had Web versions of Munch's help files, plus a set of personal team pages, complete with jumpers that each team could color/customize. Since I was afraid that the pages would be lost after he left SPARF, I made a copy of most of them and put them on my own Web site. So Manix is happy to announce that we have an abridged version of the former Supers home page at http://lamar.colostate.edu/~ddave/sparf/ We also would like to thank David for his efforts for creating and maintaining the page last year, as well as Craig of the Mandarins for his very valuable Deep Fried Stats pages. I'd be grateful if you'd like to update your team's page or add your team if it's not there already. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- With a resounding Clang! the gong sounded to announce the arrival of Madame Venusia at the first Press Seance of the new Sparf season. "Greetings," she said, gesturing with one beringed hand to the assembled media. "Another season, one in which The Mythstics will do their best to cling to a place in Gold ready for the glorious golden future which will surely come to pass. The crystal ball does not lie!" She spent a few minutes showing photos of the newborn twins, Romulyths and Remyths, who, owing to the poor financial management and lousy coaching of Head Coach the late Walt Dythney, will doubtless make their Sparf debuts within the first couple of matches of the season. "Fine boys, they'll make great mobiles in a year or two," she promised with a confident maternal smile. When she finally entered the trance to usher in Coach Walt the late cartoonist and theme park developer had little to add. "Building for the future...confident of competing...looking forward to getting on the park...bla bla bla" was the extent of his comments. And so, with something of a whimper, the Seance drew to a close. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Newcastle: Week 1. This is it. The big one. First round of a new season. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Lett da C-zon big in. Watza CSUA? Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the California Sluggers ------------------------------------------------------- Slugs crawling slowly over the forest floor, carefully making sticky everything with which they come in contact. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- UNCLE STEVE TOO BUSY FOR PRESS ADELAIDE: "Go away", Uncle Steve told pesky reporters as they thrust microphones at his face and took photos as he left his residence for work. "I'm too busy to give an interview this week... damn report due by the end of the week... grumble... etc..." And that was that. CAR'N THE VIKINGS - who the hell are we playing this week? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Scott 'Mushroom Cloud' Emery graced the press with one of the tersest Yobbo Press conferences on record. "Dammit, they're all rebuilding years!" At which point he started chucking chalkboard erasers at the press corps until they went away. Afterward, over drinks, the press corps decided to lobby for another Press Liason. It is rumored that the pending action by the Livermore City Council regarding the installation of toll booths at Robertson Park, which is a city owned and operated park, by some of his coaches while he was vacationing in Bakersfield has done nothing for his vaunted temper. It is also rumored that he is consulting Rex 'Lamb-Baster' Cook, his erstwhile Press Liason and Mobile about vacationing plans for the coaches. Nevada has been mentioned. There is a new crop of rookies in this year, but not the usual cutting of old guys. This is guarenteed to be a record injury year for the Yobbos, as they are running an older roster and the new rules restricting the use of pain-killers in the LRY: Beer-flavored Gatorade (yeah, right!) (tm). Bruce Anarchist is not looking well, he glares like a wounded animal and refers to everyone as "capitalist-roader scum". Bruce has long been considered the "power behind the throne" even as younger players have taken over the coveted (and recently renamed) LRY: Ruckman 'Mickey Mouse' Mantle. Bruce has been threatening to petrify it and hang it over his fireplace. It is not clear exactly what "the throne" is or how power gets behind it. It just doesn't seem wise to put a socket it a wet place. That may just be port of a different flavor. Have some Madeira, my dear! Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! W L T 0 0 0