------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- After last week's hiccup, we're back on track with a solid win. Loose defense is starting to cause a few worries tho'... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The St. Louis Cattle ------------------------------------------------------- Into the remains of the St. Louis Cattle Press Room and Shelter Shed, a man covered in white gauze from head to toe. Coaches Fry and Ho looked up, a little apprehensive after recent events, at the newcomers. "Hello," the voice which emanated from beneath the bandages was unmistakably that of Ernest Enterman. "Sorry I've been gone so long, but I was undergoing treatments from my plastic surgeon to repair the burn damage. Speaking of which, this is my plastic surgeon Frederico Campellini and his lovely wife Lana." "Hello everyone," said cheerfully. "Hello Lana," Fry sort of replied, moving over to the couple and placing himself between them. "You have a beautiful face." "I did that," Frederico tried to interject. On the other side of the room, Ernest continued, "So in a few weeks I'll be getting the bandages off. Any luck finding rookies." "With the shelter shed in ruins, we've been totally unable to get any young blood onto the roster. We're hoping people will forward: cattle through munch to get some deals going where we can pick up some age 2 or 3 players," Ho explained. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- An unprecidentedly good season continues; should keep rolling on against the goons - but they always play a little harder against the clerics. There'll be alot of feeling during the match but once its over all fans (from both sides) are welcome in the christminster arms for an ale or two! After this we have Bandits and Fire - not looking forward to either of these clashes - its important we keep winning the easy games! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- In an effort to create the worst user interface known to SPARF, lineup.tcl has been updated to support replacement specification via ORD and 123, etc. Additionally, it now sorts players based on total skill. Suggestions for improvements will be gratefully received, and might be acted upon. Gold Black Company 30/1 v Victorian Mandarins 1/40 Giant Redwoods 1/18 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 14/1 Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/2 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 7/4 California Sluggers 7/1 v Havana Spaz Attack 1/8 The Mythstics 4/7 v Uluru Dingoes 6/4 CSUA 3/1 v Buffalo Knights 2/7 New Sturt Blues 10/1 v Greymoor Gladiators 1/12 Viking Raiders 4/1 v Spring Creek Piranhas 1/5 Silver Roxburgh Kittens 6/4 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 4/7 * Sherwood Bandits 2/7 v Limboland Mists 3/1 Nar Nar Goon 4/1 v Christminster Clerics 1/5 Indiana Fire 2/9 v Silicon Valley Angels 7/2 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 2/7 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 3/1 The Borg 1000/1 v Manix Maulers --- Chattanooga Crusaders 66/1 v Seren City Supers 1/80 Wallamaloo Philosophers 100/1 v The St. Louis Cattle --- Bronze Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 2/1 v Darwin Destroyers 2/5 * Himeji Herons 17/1 v Newcastle Novas 1/25 Adelaide Hornets 4/5 v Albion All-stars 4/5 * ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Today the Heron's clicked. Che Collins was back to the form he trademarked at the start of the season. Moreover there were no hanger-ons. The forwards shared the ball, and used it effectively; it's the first time we've kicked more goals and more behinds than misses, and it's the first time we've kicked less than 10 behinds in a game. The backs starved or disrupted the opposition's forwards. The centre field kept feeding the ball forward. If we can repeat the performance at home next week, we might be able to come within a few goals of the Novas. K.L.T. 3. 2 5. 6 5. 6 8. 9. 57 Himeji 6. 0 10. 5 17. 6 21. 9.135 Goals - K.L.T.: Asmodean Five, One, Three 2; Al Four, Asmodean Four. HIMEJI: Collins 7, Cummins 4, BigToe, Mercury, Simon, Thorfin 2; Harvy, Symmons. Best - K.L.T.: Al Seven, Alan One, Asmodean One, Two, Three, Five. Himeji: Collins, Cummins, Darcie, Fletcher, Thomas, Wang. Crowd: 20,792 at Himeji This Week: The Herons' four game winning run comes to an end as they host the Novas. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Aldelaide Hornets ------------------------------------------------------- Thanks to all who offered help to this Newbie. Much Appreciated!!!!!! New management wishes to announce new team colours and captains. New Jersey will be white with a big red V on the front... Red numbers, socks and shorts. New team Captains are Captain: John Garnaut, Vice Captain: Sidney Webster...... Once again thanks for the help..... and good luck to you all. Except the mob I'm playing!!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Buffalo players lay about the locker room, bruised by a thrashing at the hands of the Piranhas and an opening stretch that saw them go 2-7. Following a secret meeting, fans and media-grunts alike were shocked to learn the team had already departed through the tunnels under the stadium grounds and were on their way to the newly constructed Super Secret Buffalo Footy Facility. Built through slush funds, confiscated cash and made without any consent from the public, the new facility includes a full-size practice field, 3 Olympic sized pools, weight rooms, a juice bar, shooting range and temporal vortex. While most of the Buffalo community has no idea the facility has even been built, the few who do know of it can't seem locate it on a city map. "Dem dere K-nites done built dat thing dare wizzout nohow fum anyone," commented Channel 59 sports announcer Gem Shapiro, who had just recently been released from rehab at the Betty Ford Loopy-Creature-Ebonics-Speaking Center. Manager Bridget Fonda refused her post-game interview, leaving only a taped message that the team would be living inside the SSBFF for a few weeks. "The CSUA are gonna be in for a surprise as this team is tan, rested and ready. This tape will self-destruct in 5 seconds." Included with the tape was a hand-written note scrawled on the bathroom wall in black magic marker, "For a good time call 970-MANIX." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the sports pages of the Manix Times-Star-Bugle-Venture: The Manix Maulers rebounded from their loss to the St. Louis Cattle with a non-regulation win over Mrs. Webber's 2nd grade phys ed. class from Daphne du Maurier Elementary School. "The Cattle played a great game," said kicking coach Max Leiter. "They're one of the most underrated teams in Silver. We felt that we needed to get back to our winning ways as soon as possible, so we scrimmaged with little kids." The Maulers won indeed, 108 to 87. Little Timmy Johnson with 4 goals at rover set the pace for the second graders. He also kicked Manix ruckman Zack Wheat in the shin, sending Wheat to the infirmary for the remainder of the game. The seven and eight year-old children led the Maulers through most of the match, but some impressive defensive displays and extraordinary bribery tactics by the Maulers late in the game proved to be the deciding factors. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Another game, another win. Wait, another win? Three wins from four games? The poor start to the season for The Mythstics looks like it will haunt the team for the remainder of the year as the 0 5 record has improved only to 3 6, and dreams of SPARF Cup glory must wait at least another year. Ethereal interference, bad tea leaves and fly spots on the crystal ball all prevent Madame Venusia's appearance this week. Besides, bringing up twins is putting more demands on her time than she believed possible. Which really has nothing to do with SPARF but who cares? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The Circus Stars are coming off a close win against the Victorian Mandarins last week, pulling out 3 late goals to score the win in Victoria. This week, however, is the marquee matchup of the season, pitting the Circus Stars against their arch-rivals, and #1 ranked Petawawa Purple Platapi. "The Platapusses look almost unbeatable this year. However, most people don't know that we handed them their only loss two years ago during the regular season. Of course, they kicked our butts the following year, but that's neither here nor there", said Circus Star veteran Bounce. Bounce was lifting some extra-heavy pies, getting ready for his last-minute starting assignment. Bounce has spent most of the season at the interchange position, losing his starting job due to sluggish tackling, poor kicking, and an inability to fit into the extra-compact clown car. However, his dirty play and cheap shots are exactly what the Circus Stars will need if they have any hope of upsetting the heavily-favored Platapusses. Ruckman 'Safety Net', having a career year in goals, marks, points and defgoods had the following comments: "Traditionally, we've always pretended to not know what we're doing, that we don't know how to play the game, that we don't belong in the league. While there's not a team in the league who can match up talent-wise with the Platapusses, but go ahead and ask them who they fear the most." "Right", agreed Prop Gag. "After the Redwoods, the Mandarins, the Gladiators, and a few other teams, the team they fear the most is US." "Well, they've never actually SAID that", added Slack Rope, "but they inferred it." "Actually, WE inferred it", quipped Confetti Launcher. "Frankly, we've never understood anything they've ever said." "We've never understood anything WE'VE said either", said a somewhat confused Hip Czech. "Maybe it's because we're just not paying very much attention." "What's important here is that there's pizza riding on this game", said Sling. "And if the Platapusses have to buy, we've going to get the good stuff, not the cardboard gluey crap we usually order. Hey Trained Seal! You got anything to add to this?" "Arrroooh. Arryygk. Arrrrrouuu." "Yeah! Way to tell 'em seal. Couldn't have said it better myself" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Tim 4 d beg gam wit da Circus Stars. But wee hav no tim 4 press. Pete's Zaah iz on da lin. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Kuala Lumpur Technocrats ------------------------------------------------------- SHOCK! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! W L T 4 4 0 Working our way to a perfect .500!