------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- The team are cruising along quite nicely - even with me managing them! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The St. Louis Cattle ------------------------------------------------------- In the now famliar scene of what was the St. Louis Press Room, the scene was finally relaxed. Coach Ngapi and Abdul were playing a makeshift game of darts and with all the money rolling in from endorsements from this massive win streak, plans for rebuilding were proceeding rapidly. "So let me get this straight," started Ho. "No one was trying to kill us, and Hungry Jack's is a restaurant chain which just serves bad food which is hardly ever fatal." "At least not in the short term," Abdul turned away from the dart game to try to confuse Ho long enough for Ngapi to run up and jam one of his darts directly into the bullseye. "So where's Ernest?" Ho asked. "He's trying to ... uh ... relieve himself." Fry answered without pausing from massaging Lana Campellini's shoulders. "Apperently that's a lot of work with all the bandages so Dr. Campellini went to help." "So let me get this straight," Ho sounded nervous, "we're all safe now, right?" "Perfectly," responded Fry, "why do you ask?" "I was just wondering what all those guys in the big white hoods with the automatic weapons were doing coming toward the grounds," Ho answered. "But if you're sure we're safe that's good enough for me" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Any hope of an upset against the Bandits this week has gone to hospital with Freddie Stone. I hope the powers that be are having a good hard look at the video from last week - alot of those goons didnt have eyes only for the ball! Our Fairy Tale is about to end. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- The only "upset" predicted this week isn't even an upset. It's just that the Goon are favoured by so little (0.2 points), it isn't reflected in the odds. Of course, four of last week's favourites in Gold lost, including the Spaz at 1/8... Gold Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 6/1 v Victorian Mandarins 1/8 Giant Redwoods 8/15 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 6/4 Havana Spaz Attack 25/1 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/33 California Sluggers 5/2 v Black Company 4/13 The Mythstics 4/9 v Buffalo Knights 15/8 New Sturt Blues 1/12 v CSUA 10/1 Viking Raiders 7/1 v Greymoor Gladiators 1/8 Uluru Dingoes 9/2 v Spring Creek Piranhas 2/11 Silver Limboland Mists 4/9 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 15/8 Sherwood Bandits 2/5 v Christminster Clerics 2/1 Silicon Valley Angels 4/5 v Nar Nar Goon 4/5 * Indiana Fire 1/4 v Roxburgh Kittens 3/1 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 40/1 v Manix Maulers 1/60 Chattanooga Crusaders 4/6 v The Borg 5/4 Wallamaloo Philosophers 33/1 v Seren City Supers 1/50 Krazy Kenora Kangari 50/1 v The St. Louis Cattle 1/60 Bronze Darwin Destroyers 16/1 v Newcastle Novas 1/19 Himeji Herons 1/50 v Albion All-stars 33/1 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 1/10 v Adelaide Hornets 8/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Herons 1. 1 2. 6 5. 8 8.11. 59 Novas 4. 7 7.12 13.16 17.17.119 Goals - Herons: Harvy 3; Simon 2; Cummins, Symmons, Thorfin. Novas : Doe 8; Quinn, Vincent 3; Pakula, Shen, Zola. Best - Herons: . Novas : Doe, Foote, Larsen, Lewis, Quinn, Vincent. Crowd: 15,740 at Himeji This Week: Needing to improve on their record at home, the Herons should win comfortably over the disintegrating All-stars. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Aldelaide Hornets ------------------------------------------------------- Celebrations in the Hornets nest as we win our first game and move off the bottom........ All-Stars 1-1 3-3 6-5 7-5 (47) Hornets 4-2 7-7 9-11 15-13 (103) Goals: vanWeezep, Garnaut 4, Dove 3, Price 2, Curtis, Lee Best: vanWeezep, Garnaut, Canzler, Frost, Price, Dove Hopefully, the improved form will continue this week, against the Technocrats........ ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- In a satellite interview from deep inside the newly constructed Super Secret Buffalo Footy Facility, team manager Bridget Fonda complimented her team's recent performance. Rebounding from a nasty loss, the Knights vented their frustration on the CSUA in winning by 15 goals. "Yes, we knew coming in that things would turn around once we quit playing Cup-quality opponents like the PPP and so on, but this easy victory was a pleasant surprise and completely due to this fine new practice complex." Despite prompting from Channel 59 sports announcer Gem Shapiro, Ms. Fonda refused to give any information or clues as to where the SSBFF was built or how and with whose money. Rumors abound that the team is into illegal wig trafficking into Port Coquitlam, cigar smuggling in Havana and super hero outfit-sewing in Seren. League officials also came up goose-eggs while investigating a reported shipment to Petawawa from a company known only as "All Things Purple". Other rumors that Donny Osmond was inside the box were denied. So far, the only proof of wrongdoing discovered by the league is an unauthorized use of the league offices' long-distance telephone carriers by the Manix Maulers management, who have been planning picnics and slumber parties in Albion. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Sensationalist: Last week's announcement of a Super Secret Buffalo Footy Facility (SSBFF) by the Buffalo Knights' management prompted a flurry of activity among the various divisions of the Manix intelligence agencies. Although Manix officials had been aware of the planning of such a facility for some time, there is still no definite proof that it does indeed exist. "Our belief is that this supposed facility is yet another pathetic attempt at disinformation on behalf of Buffalo," said one anonymous source. "They know very well that if such a facility existed and they made a public announcement about it like they did last week, we'd have it blown to tiny bits before they finished the first sentence." Despite such assurances, rumors of mass beheadings surrounded several of the most austere Manix intelligence agencies. Other rumors about plans to assassinate Gem Shapiro persist because of her inability to speak the word "from" correctly. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Sigh. Back to the altars: a loss to the Drongos compounded (caused?) by a record spate of injuries sees The Mythstics resorting to the ...Owners resources to provide a warm body. And a much weakend side looking like easy beats for the next round. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- CIRCUS STARS - PURPLE PLATAPI GAME REPORT It's standing-room only at this, the biggest match of the regular season. The Platypi and Circus Stars are arch-rivals, and also two of the top teams in Gold division this year. Plus, rumour has it that the losing manager must buy pizza for the winning team. Lots at stake, and ticket scalpers are cleaning up. Inside the stadium, the pre-game show ends and the teams come on the field. The Platypi are attired in purple, except for Chris Moss who wears red velvet with white trim. The Circus Stars will wear white, with red circus stripes. The referee initiates the ball-up, with Petwawa controlling. Ed Lhite takes the ball and lights up the Port Credit defence, scrambling and flickering through defender after defender. He spots Betty Wont and delivers a perfect pass which Betty marks. Betty Wont has the ball in perfect scoring position when the crowd begins to chant "Bet-he-won't! Bet-he-won't!" Betty is momentarily confused at this cross-genderization, then in a moment of personal self-actualization says "Betty Will", and kicks the ball through the centre of the uprights. GOAL! Another ball-up, with Johnny Juggler going up against Johnny Comlaitly. Johnny Comlaitly is late getting to the ball-up circle, and Johnny Juggler gains control easily. Juggling the footy, an empty pizza box and a six-pack of John Smith's bitter, he makes his way downfield. WHAM! He runs right into teammate Buttered Popcorn, sending a cloud of popcorn into the air and momentarily blinding him. By the time he can see again, the play is halfway down the field, so Johnny eats some popcorn, and says 'Man, this is good popcorn!'. He ponders the merits of real butter versus that oil-based substitute used in so many other stadiums. Ben Dover bends over to retrieve the bouncing footy, and is prompty stepped on by Dancing Elephant. SQUISH! Without stopping the game, the stretcher comes onfield, but Ben is actually six inches below the playing level, so they just leave him there. Platapi manager Loopy Creature tries to argue his case, but no one can understand him, so no substitution is allowed. So as not to leave a huge gap in the field, Jack Valtrades runs over and will play both positions. Bob Enweave bobs and weaves his way through the Circus Star defenders, before becoming distracted by Souvenir Program, which he picks up and reads briefly. Fortunatly, Petawawa teammate Ray Deaytor is close by and retrieves the footy. Ray isn't sure if he can reach the uprights from his current position so he makes a safe pass 10 metres ahead pass to Justin Case. Justin takes the mark and kicks, but it's just wide and bounces through for a behind. Ida Donnit mutters to himself that he could have made that shot. The next ballup is controlled by the Circus Stars, who make several crisp passes to move it downfield. The play comes right to Johnny Juggler, who is still eating popcorn. He tries to take a mark, but his hands are too slippery from all the butter, and the ball slips right through into the arms of Sparky Plug. Sparky takes the ball, and passes to Otto Mattick who is 7 metres from the goal. Otto Mattick is pretty much automatic from that distance, and makes no mistake as he boots the ball. GOAL! The next ball-up looks more like a college frat party, with everyone in a huge pile on top of everyone else. Eventually the ball comes loose and is passed ahead to Trained Seal, who balances the footy on his nose, dodging defenders. The Platypi players try to tackle him, but keep slipping off his very slippery seal skin. Sam Widges runs off the field to get some food for the team, and a bucket of fish to distract Trained Seal. Meantime, Ray Deator and Bounce are involved in some extra-curricular fistacuffs at the other end of the field. Bounce elbows Ray in the head, and Ray reciprocates by punching Bounce in the stomach. Not only does Bounce not feel anything, but the referee catches the retaliation, and gives the Circus Stars a free ball. Ray Deator is understably upset, and begins to get very hot under the collar. Quickly, the Petawawa trainer comes out with some coolant for Ray, who is in danger of overheating. Safety Net takes the free ball and loads Confetti Launcher, who fires the ball through the uprights to put the Circus Stars ahead for the first time. GOAL! With five minutes left in the game, the Circus Stars are up by a goal, and trying to pull off the biggest upset of the season. Sling controls the ball after a brief scrum, and kicks it ahead to Johnny. Johnny Juggler, having cleaned off the butter from his hands at half-time, catches the footy while juggling a hula hoop and a running chainsaw. He rides along on Giraffe Unicycle, juggling the footy, a grand piano and a laptop computer. Somersaulting off the Unicycle, he lands on teammate Tight Rope and dances along. He indulges the crowd in some rope-skipping on the Tight Rope, before kicking the footy through the centre of the uprights. GOAL! The crowd is going wild at this point, sensing the upset. The next ballup is taken by Petawawa's Manuel Transmission, who shifts gears repeatedly as he shakes off Circus Star defenders. He hands the ball to Jack Valtrades, who is playing at his fourth different position this game. Jack tries to make a move to the outside, but is taken out hard by Hip Czech, and must leave the game. The ball rolls away, and Dancing Elephant steps on it. SPLAT!! By the time a replacement ball can be found, the whistle goes to end the game. CIRCUS STARS WIN!! CIRCUS STARS WIN!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- 2 busy for press... gotta catch a plane to Perth... will be back just in time for next week's training (thankfully)... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! W L T 4 4 0 Working our way to a perfect .500!