------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- New Unley: BLUES AIM FOR THRASHING An angry Manager Barry lashed out the New Sturt team this week after their 40 point drubbing at the hands of the Viking Raiders, losing the Hungry Jacks Cup for the second year in succession. It is rumored that he handed out vouchers for free Bacon Double Cheesburgers and threatened to sack any player who didn't use theirs. Some players are reported to be considering their playing futures with the Blues with fears of gastrointestinal upset should they stay. Manager Barry has set a new goal for the club now that it is nigh impossible for them to make the final six. The goal is to finish 7th AND have a percentage above 100 which will require the next two games to be won by over 12 goals each. With the side back to full strength after recent injury trouble, this doesn't seem to be an unreasonable goal. Dingoes and Knights, watch out. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- It is with some regret we mourn the passing of Bootsy Collins who was savaged by those so-called angels - he may get out of the comma - but he won't play football again. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- A faint glimmer of light appears in you mind. After a few minutes, you realize it's not getting any brighter. Then it hits you: the Glowing Golden Eye of the Black Company was out of power.... " Stupid Eye. I fix it yet. Well, After getting My transmission station repaired, I got a chance to check out some of the headlines from around the league. 25/1 against the Circus stars?? What does that translate (not PPP translating, please) to a point spread?? I see a blowout loss against the Stars, EVEN with the stationary goal-posts. I KNEW I shouldn't have been training those fools of MINE to shoot on moving goalposts this week." "It was nice to see the Commish getting involved and Stopping that rather noticeable rules violation on the Stars. I guess that means that I'll have to start repairing the holes in MINE host's home field and stop using the land mines to get an advantage. Hmmm I'll have to try Hungry Jack's to kill or maim the other team.... Until next time....." After the Lady fades out, you wait for a few minutes before you realize the Glowing Golden Eye has already left your mind.... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- Gold Victorian Mandarins 11/8 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 8/13 Giant Redwoods --- v California Sluggers 500/1 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 2/7 v Havana Spaz Attack 3/1 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/30 v Black Company 25/1 Greymoor Gladiators 1/4 v The Mythstics 13/4 CSUA 40/1 v Spring Creek Piranhas 1/60 Buffalo Knights 11/4 v Viking Raiders 4/13 Uluru Dingoes EVENS v New Sturt Blues 4/5 * Silver Air-Pacific Groundhogs 4/5 v Nar Nar Goon EVENS Sherwood Bandits 4/11 v Indiana Fire 9/4 Limboland Mists 2/11 v Silicon Valley Angels 9/2 Christminster Clerics 2/9 v Roxburgh Kittens 7/2 Seren City Supers 1/12 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 10/1 The Borg 400/1 v The St. Louis Cattle --- Manix Maulers --- v Wallamaloo Philosophers 250/1 Krazy Kenora Kangari 2/5 v Chattanooga Crusaders 2/1 Bronze Adelaide Hornets 20/1 v Darwin Destroyers 1/25 Albion All-stars 10000/1 v Newcastle Novas --- Himeji Herons 8/11 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats EVENS * ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- An easy win over the Hornets, with Herons' players winning most duels. O'Ryan did a great job at Full-Forward, kicking 2 goals that the two Johns (BigToe and Thorfin) couldn't manage. Mercury also did well, coming off the bench to replace Symmons and kicking 3 from CHF. Again our defence put in a solid effort, conceeding only 2 goals to the Hornets' designated forwards. Collins continued his up-and-down season with a disappointing performance against opposition RKR, Gary Price. He managed a paltry 11 stats against 27. He will need to lift his game if we are to defeat the Malaysian 'Rats. The ledger between us stands at 1 game each, with the away side taking the honours. The coaching staff are fired to reverse the trend and take the series 2-1. Let's hope the players are too. Hornets 1. 2 3. 4 5. 8 9.10. 64 Herons 7. 3 13. 6 17.10 20.13.133 Goals - Hornets: Price 4; Garnaut 2; Anderson, Canzler, vanWeezep. Herons : Harvy 4; Cummins, Mercury, Simon 3; O'Ryan 2; BigToe, Collins, Lloyd, Symmons, Thorfin. Best - Hornets: Brown, Chidgey, Frost, Nyhuis, Price, Webster. Herons : Arceri, Cummins, Harvy, Mercury, O'Ryan, Simon. Crowd: 17,083 at Adelaide This week: Our last chance to win at home and keep us with a chance of finishing in the number 2 spot. Unfortunately for us, the 'Rats had a good game against the Novas last week .... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Ah, the Chattanoogers, our old Bronze rivals! Good luck as we slug it out for that lofty and esteemed 13th position! Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Missing some players from this week's starting lineup spelled certain doom for the Knights as the Dingoes beat Buffalo early and often. In a brief satellite interview from deep inside the Super Secret Buffalo Footy Facility, John Spleen had very few answers. "We just aren't scoring goals like we used to. We've got so many young guys in here trying to get space at the training table that we're just stuck with too many men and not enough coaches." A personal request from the Knights' management to the SparfLeague Commissioner's office, asking to be allowed to employ an additional 4 coaches, was quickly denied and burned. Bridget Fonda complimented her team's effort despite the loss. "We can't train so many rookies, win Sparfgames, overcome injuries and fight off that moronic Manix Republic and do all of it well? So instead we seem to be doing -none- of it well, with shoddy training, few wins, too many broken bones and computer hacking and toilet-papering from Manix." Ms. Fonda did announce that Buffalo's Special Executive for Counter- Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion had overcome flimsy Manix security and taken over the illustrious Manix International First Bank of Commerce and Free Appliances. Pillaged from the booty was an enormous collection of salad shooters, turnip twaddlers and Shawalas. On a happier note, the reported death of Channel 59 sports announcer Gem Shapiro was premature, as a positive ID on the body found in the rush North to Alasks must await examination of dental records. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- Manix press releases are suspended until the end of the regular season as Dave will be travelling and interviewing for jobs. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- If Venusia was here with her crystal ball I'm sure she could explain the rhyme and reason of The Mythstics' form. It would probably have something to do with altars, Owners and mystic talismans and nothing to do with skills, players and strategies. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- 'MOVING GOALPOSTS' DECLARED ILLEGAL In a startling revelation yesterday, Commissionner Mel has declared the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 'Moving Goalposts (TM)' to be illegal. The Circus Stars must remove and replace the illegal posts before this weeks matchup with the Black Company. This is grossly unfair", said forward Buttered Popcorn. "We've been playing and practicing with these posts all year, and now we have to change them." Of course, Buttered neglects to mention that the posts never moved when the Circus Stars were shooting on goal, only when the opposing team was shooting. In fact there was a big lever on the side of the field, which coach Barstool Balancer would lift whenever the opposing team took a shot. It took a special task force the better part of the season to figure it out, despite the fact that the lever is brightly coloured, and a large sign which says 'Lift Lever To Move Goalposts' is directly adjacent to the lever. "Still, we're not used to having to defend the other team, because the goalposts were doing most of the work", said player (and still coach) Sling. "To have to learn to play defense at this late stage in the season is a huge chore. We might even have to hire some real footy coaches to help out, and the budget is real tight right now after that keg party we threw after the upset win over the Platypi." "We never did get that pizza either", said Bounce, he of the never-ending za-petite. "Apparently the pizza place misunderstood Loopy creature over the phone, and sent the pizzas to Kenora instead. Do Kangaroos even eat pizza?" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- We tot we wuz gunna pla da Sluggers lassed week. We duz nut no wat weeze iz gunna do now. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS RETAIN THE HUNGRY JACK'S CUP ASGARD: Sounds of merriment, celebration and drunken debauchery emanate once more from the Hall of the Gods following the monumental victory of the Viking Raiders over the New Sturt Blues, 24-7 to 16-15. Unlike previous celebrations, the fires are dead and the spits have been rolled away; there is not a pig corpse to be found in Asgard tonight. In their place a grand marquee has been erected, within which smiling counter staff serve thickshakes, fries and bacon double cheeseburgers to the hungry throng. "It was a good win", mumbled Uncle Steve through mouthfuls of greasy burger. "I thought the teams were well matched on paper, and indeed the number of scoring shots was similar. But the boys kicked truly, especially from the half-forward line, setting up a comfortable victory in the end." Not all of the Viking camp was happy with the result. "It was a fizzer", claimed Head Nurse Ratchet. "What with the teams so evenly matched, and with Manager Barry warning us that his mobiles were going to explode, I was all set for carnage. I brought an extra box of neon-coloured bandaids especially for the occasion. But there was NOT ONE INJURY! Not even a teensy-weensy bruised knee. I was so disappointed, while the other guys were sucking lemons I disappeared behind the NSB's shelter sheds for a bit of a cry." Head God Odin was sympathetic. "Nurse Ratchet didn't get many chances this week, but after tonight's celebrations the cholesterol level in the team will have trebled. I'm sure one of the boys could go out of his way to have a cardiac arrest. That would put the smile back on her face." "More fries - and another burger with extra bacon", said perennial bench-warmer Joe Shmo, determined to play his part in getting Nurse Ratchet back into peak form. "The best thing of all is we didn't have to unbolt the Hungry Jack's Cup from the clubroom floor. That leaves more time for eating! Yeah, extra bacon... hell, make it a whole extra burger". "Condolences to Manager Barry. Hopefully we'll both guide our teams away from relegation and there will be a rematch next season", spoke Uncle Steve in the sincerest possible way for a manager who has just had a 40-point win. "Who knows, perhaps we shall meet again in the relegation series. I'm sure Manager Barry isn't too distressed because the real-life Sturt Blues just drew with the evil wharfie scum; their best result against them since 1988." The Vikings line up agains the Knights this week, and go in confident of a win. When asked for a comment, Uncle Steve replied in his best French accent, "Zey are silly Buffalo Kannnnnnnnniggits... I blow my noze at zem, I fart in zair general direction. Zere mozhers were all hamsters, and zere fahzers smelled of elderberries." GO THE VIKINGS!