------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- Wow, an win to open the season. Will the wonders never cease? :) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- Manager Barry pondered the surprises of a new season... that off season training sure seems to have paid off. No injuries. Improved skill. And the players seem to have made it through the game without even getting tired. They didn't get tired? And they still lost? You slack bastards!! How about putting in an effort this week... You're going to need to! The Mandarins! Oh, Lord, not the Mandarins. Oranges at half time we can handle. But the Mandarins? We've never beaten these guys (well, we've only met twice before) and I can't see this being the first time. (*note* rumours amongst the club that Manager Barry's pessimism is damaging moral are grossly understated. Efforts to slip some Prozac into his drinking water have so far been unsuccessful). ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Borg ------------------------------------------------------- well, that was, umm, painful? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The St. Louis Cattle ------------------------------------------------------- St. Louis reporters were all abuzz as the Cattle held their first press conference in over a year. Before fielding questions, the new general manager Plantaganet Sommerset Fry addressed the assemblege. "The state of the St. Louis Cattle is nothing less than a disgrace. This is the only team ever to win the Sparf Cup twice, and a low seeding in a secondary league is hardly the place for so proud a team. From this day forward we begin a three year plan to stage the scene for our eventual reclaiming of the cup, for this is a team of tradition. We start out against the Angels next week, where we intend to show that our two point loss last week was nothing but a fluke not to be repeated." A young reporter with bifocals taped in middle piped up, "So does this tradition include your players reviving the infamous Cattle Cut, where the rear end of a bovine is shaved into the hair in the back of the head." "That's right," retorted Fry, "All our players will sport the cattle cut, except for Fritz who just underwent chemotherapy for cancer and will need to let his hair grow out first." "But what about B. Farley, who had announced he'd die before wearing what he called 'that damned haircut' again?", the same reported injected, oblivious to the wheezing sound of the air moving through his exceptionally long nose hair. "Mr. Farley took an early retirement program this week with our branch office at Forest Lawn out in California. Does anyone ELSE have any questions?" No one else did. "Still, Mr. Fry," that same reported continued, "what do you have to say about allegations of unfair labour practices in your organization?" "What's your name son?" asked Fry. "I'm Ernest Enterman of the St. Louis Inquisitor." "Thanks Ernie. Press conference adjourned." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- King Sunny was too busy watching the mighty red-legs getting whipped by the scum sucking blues to watch last weeks game. But the boys won it - so he might stay away match day again this week. Our best start to a season for quite some time! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Things could hardly have gone better for the Herons in their debut match at the Himeji Baseball Stadium. Fine weather with a slight breeze, a full house, and a crushing victory. Winning the toss, captain Paul Simon elected to go with the 2 goal breeze, hoping to get the crowd on side early. After a nervous start, the momentum never really changed direction. The small Himeji stadium also proved to be a factor, as a great deal of congestion around the ball. It was the Herons who adjusted first. The ball spent most of it's time in the Heron's forward zone, but with wayward kicking, it wasn't until after they had scored 4 behinds that Paul Simon managed to take an easy mark and get his first of 5. Kept scoreless for most of the quarter, the All-Stars managed a behind in a rare foray forward in the dying seconds. Kicking with the wind, the All-Stars fared a little better in the second term. Bourke was able to convert from beyond 50 meters, as did Daffy. However, the Herons, bouyed by their first quarter romp, also stepped up a gear, kicking seven goals for the term. But it was in the third term that the Heron's took off. Che Collins ignited the Herons, gathering the inital ruck from Sommers, two bounces and goal. From there it was full steam ahead, with the Herons kicking fourteen goals for the term. Collins kicked five of these. On the rare occasion the All-Stars managed to get the ball forward, the Himeji defenders gathered and sent the ball back into attack. In the final term, the Heron's took their foot off the accelerator and tried some experimentation with the lineup. The All-Stars managed their best quarter, kicking 3 goals, but were still out-scored 4.2. Himeji 4. 7 11.10 25.14 29.16.190 Albion 0. 1 2. 1 2. 1 5. 1. 31 Goals - HIMEJI: Collins 7, Sommers 5, Simon 4, BigToe 3, Mercury 3, Buick 2, Symmons 2, Thorfin 2, Cummins. ALBION: Naish 2, Neeld, Daffy, Bourke. Best - HIMEJI: Collins, Sommers, Buick, BigToe, Thomas, Arceri. ALBION: Naish, Daffy, Neeld, Cambell, Gale, Funcke. Crowd: 8,887 at Himeji Gate: 40,000 Next Week: The Herons host the Darwin Destroyers. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- All is quiet this week in the Kenora camp, as the trounced Kangari ponder their devastating debut in Silver... "These guys aren't the same chumps we were trashing in Bronze", moaned Mel Lunn. "Some of them can even carry the ball without dropping it." Notably absent is Hed Cooke, formerly of the Circus Stars, who is recovering from a massive "wedgie" the team imparted upon him, for driving up leather prices in Kenora with three missed kicks into the crowd. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Buffalo Knights, impressed by their close call with the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars, called an extra press conference this week, to brag about how close they came to winning. "We are very motivated by our good game with the Stars" explained manager Bridget Fonda. "They were right up there with the Gold Elite last season and we held our own. Even a couple of pesky nagging minor injuries couldn't keep us from making it close. Then again, with all of those banana cream pies flying around and their entire half-forward and forward lines packed into a Volkswagon bug, it's hard to make a good defenseive stop! And those elephants, man what a stench. Port, it's called a bath, try taking one." The Knights' players were upbeat despite the loss. "Even with all of the scoring we did last year," admitted Iron Man, "We knew we couldn't come in here [Gold] and just start popping goals left and right. But we played some great team defense and no one broke a leg the first game out so we're very optimistic about the future. In a side note, Buffalo explosives experts were unable to damage the foundation of the newly constructed ManixDome. "Yepper, that sombitch is laid in about 50 feet deep concrete with reinforced steel, iron, copper, cobalt, zinc, aluminum and even barbed wire and packing foam. It'll take a ton of TNT and C4 for that, 10-4! Reporters from the Manix Herald-Times-News-Digest-Chronicle tried to interview the demolition men, but the camera wasn't plugged in. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- The Mandarins are back from training camp, and the winning has begun! This years camp was held at altitude, high on the slopes of Mount Everest. This gave everyone's lungs a good workout and underscored this season's motto: 'There's nowhere to go but down'. A close victory over the Dingoes highlighted a strong Mandarin defense and showed up a few holes in the offensive lines. Once again our mobiles dominated the Mandarins game, leaving the forward lines grumbling about ball-hogs. The team at least looked cohesive on the field, with the exception of second round draft pick Harmon 'Husky' Muskellunge. At 6 foot 10 inches and 240 lbs, Harmon sticks out like a sore thumb on the Mandarins bench. "I'd like to be traded - I think I'd fit in much better on the Yobbos, or back home in Kenora. This is off the record, OK" stated Harmon from the end of the bench as the Mandarins celebrated the first victory of what may turn out to be a very long season. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages the Manix Financial Times: "Hi, I'm Cliff Secord of the Manix Maulers, and I'm sure you'll love Manix-O's, the official breakfast cereal product of the Manix Maulers." Yes, it's footy time again in Manix, and large Manix corporations are in a mad rush to sponsor the Manix Maulers. Television and radio stations are broadcasting an onslaught of ads that feature Manix players hawking products in addition to the occasional program. The Manix Industrial Index has responded in kind, edging up a point and a half. Some analysts say that the trend could quite possibly continue. "This should be the time that a shrewd investor increases his holdings in recreational drugs, including steroids. One should also consider diversifying in those sectors that gouge the Maulers, such as the Big Shiny Expensive Car Industry and the Defense Attorney Industry." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Sunlight, snow and ice: who needs a Press Seance for amusement when the stark beauty of the Antarctic landscape is so captivating? Besides, after the abysmal loss to the Redwoods The Mythstics management have gone into hiding. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Newcastle: Week 2. The celebrations reached fever pitch in Newcastle this week, with the shock placing of the victorious Novas in Bronze number one spot. It's likely that the Hornets could put a stop to the hijinx, but while it lasts, the Novas fans are ecstatic. "We've been at the bottom of everything for so long, it really is a welcome change to hit any sort of heights," said coach Tommy Smith. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- Gack. Too....many...injuries....!!!! This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Just a week into the regular season, and already our rookie looks better than last year. Whereas Dancing Elephant never quite lived up to her advance billing, this year's big acquisition - Trained Seal - is already dazzling everyone in training camp. Trained Seal can catch the footy and instantly balance on his nose. Unfortunately, it's then very easy for the other team to simply snatch up the ball and run downfield with it, but these are minor quibbles. He doesn't quite understand the game as yet, and a teammate has to carry around a bucket of small fish around to reward Trained Seal for good plays, but we don't think he will take as long as Dancing Elephant did last year. Speaking of Dancing Elephant, she reported to training camp a full seventy pounds lighter than last year, which still makes her by far the heaviest player not only on the Circus Stars, but in the entire Sparf league. With the weight loss, Dancing Elephant now has a much quicker first stomp, and may actually see some regular playing time this year, provided she can control her peanut binges. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Tank-U 2 da CSUA. Weez dun lik B in furst plas. We duz nut tink dat dis wil las lung. An ho a but dem Defguds. wA 2 go Bailoof Wool uv D Kittens 4 setin da nu SPARF rek ord 4 da mostest Defguds in 1 gam. Loopy Creature PPP Top O'Gold Butt Nut 4 Lung ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Kuala Lumpur Technocrats ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- THE GOLDEN GLOWING EYE IMPARTS A FEW BLACK EYES OSLO: You know the SPARF season is well underway when Nurse Ratchet has ripped the lid off a brand-new box of Snoopy band-aids. 3 Vikings scraped their knees in the opening game against the Black Company, including star CHB Sleepy Dwarf and newbie bench-warmer Grant Ruebenicht. "It's good news for Nurse Ratchet, surely", commented Vikings Head Honcho Uncle Steve. "It's great that she's getting her name on the stats sheet this early in the season. The boys love it; when she performs well the whole team lifts. What with the new injury rates in this new fangled simulator thingy, we expect Nurse Ratchet to figure prominently in the Vikings' fortunes this season." When asked about the team's preparation for this week's clash with the Redwoods, Uncle Steve hesitated before murmuring, "We're buying a jumbo-size box of band-aids". Expect blood to flow on the SPARF fields this weekend. Most of it Viking blood. CAR'N YOU RAIDERS - LETS SEE SOME SERIOUS CARNAGE OUT THERE ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- The Boys of the Press found a small typed 3x5 card at the press conference. It read much as follows: Reginald Shinwincing, Ivan Erdel and Raul Castanya have accepted new opportunities at Bravo 20. The names of their replacements are not available at this time. Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! W L T 0 1 0