------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- Three wins achieved, and so early in the season! Will this dream run ever end??? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- Last week's loss to the Redwoods wasn't nearly as bad as we expected. Only 6 goals! Still no time for frivolity this week (how come lunch hours are only 60 minutes long?) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Borg ------------------------------------------------------- ouch, ouch, and ouch. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The St. Louis Cattle ------------------------------------------------------- Plantaganet Sommerset Fry was in fine spirits as he strode triumphantly into the press chambers. "The landslide victory of the Cattle last week is exactly the sort of thing you can expect more of from our club on it's way to reclaiming it's spot in Gold...not years from now, but at the end of this very season." Even the nasalized wheeze of Enerst Enterman could not break Mr. Fry's good mood. "So what about the rumors that Mr. Farley, the last Cattle to play on the Cup team remaining, was dischaged." "They're entirely true. This is a reborn club and Mr. Farley realized to his creadit that he was far enough past his prime to be unable to fully participate in the club, and while trainers were sad to see him go off the roster, he will still be working with the organization in building the new state of the art St. Louis Shelter Shed for youth acquisition. Any managers with youth for trade should send mail to St. Louis management by way of Munch." "So what is up for next week," Ernest asked, the spittle on his lower lip slowly dripping onto his badly stained shirt. "Next week we take on the Clerics from Christminster. We've cleverly arranged for church revivals all over St. Louis all-night, every night for the week leading up to the match, and are hoping the clerics will be unable to refrain from attending, leaving them exhausted by match day." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Our best ever season - stop it now! Bulk injuries emminent. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Not a good start for the season. Let's try and turn it around. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- I wonder how many of these matches will actually be played this week. Gold Victorian Mandarins --- v Viking Raiders 10000/1 Uluru Dingoes 1/30 v Giant Redwoods 20/1 * Petawawa Purple Platypi --- v The Mythstics 10000/1 California Sluggers 4/6 v CSUA EVENS Greymoor Gladiators --- v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 500/1 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 400/1 v Spring Creek Piranhas --- Buffalo Knights 3/1 v Havana Spaz Attack 1/4 Black Company --- v New Sturt Blues 250/1 Silver Air-Pacific Groundhogs --- v Wallamaloo Philosophers 2000/1 Krazy Kenora Kangari 10000/1 v Sherwood Bandits --- Nar Nar Goon 1/25 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 19/1 Indiana Fire --- v The Borg 10000/1 Seren City Supers 8/15 v Limboland Mists 6/4 * Christminster Clerics --- v The St. Louis Cattle 100/1 Manix Maulers 1/20 v Silicon Valley Angels 15/1 Roxburgh Kittens 4/11 v Chattanooga Crusaders 2/1 Bronze Adelaide Hornets 10000/1 v Darwin Destroyers --- Albion All-stars 10000/1 v Newcastle Novas --- Himeji Herons 1/25 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 14/1 The most generous odds offered are 10000/1. (I suspect that the Hornets and All-stars would be offered 1000000/1 if permitted.) The least generous odds offered are 1/100. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Warrnambool Sea Hawks ------------------------------------------------------- Ok, Ok, so we had another loss, but we out scored the Limbos this round! All we need now is a little accuracy in our forward line & we might actually threaten the middle order of the Silver ladder! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- A resurgent Himeji arrived at Adelaide last week to trounce the Hornets. Victory was almost assured before the match, in spite of their previous capitulation. They started slowly, somewhat paranoid about the injury rate, and having done so, yet finishing the quarter in front, the game was never in doubt. "Yeah, we're pretty happy with the result," Kevin Shady said after the match, "considering we had a few injuried to cover. The fact that we can come out with a win like this in spite of last week's injuries shows that we have depth, which is something that will help us later in the season. It's just a pity we can't convert a bit better." Indeed. From 60 shots at goal, 23.24 is not terribly accurate, especially given how much they dominated play. With another easy game next week, perhaps it's time to play with the forward line-up before the Herons take on the Novas the following week. Hornets 3. 1 5. 5 7. 6 7. 6. 48 Himeji 3. 8 10.14 18.21 23.24.162 Goals - HORNETS: Anderson, Bently, Curtis, Elliott, Lee, Sinderson, Perry. HIMEJI: Simon 6, Mercury 4, Harvy, Sommers 3, Bigtoe, Cummins, Thorfin 2, Symmons. Best - HORNETS: Chidgey, Dawson, Elliott, Keller, Lee. HIMEJI: BigToe, Harvy, Mercury, Simon, Sommers. Crowd: 24,210 at Adelaide This Week: The Herons return home to take on the Technocrats. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Aldelaide Hornets ------------------------------------------------------- The citizens of Adelaide are getting very unhappy about the lack of good playing by their Hornets. People are even making bets about when Coach Jackman is going to get fired. Other bets are being set up to see when next season the Hornets are going to get their first victory. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- >At least we can take out our frustrations on Hed Cooke, who delivered his trademark >three misses. As punishment, I'll keep him at LHF and hope Indiana pummels him into >an incoherent drooling mess next week. >Injury(1) Hed Cooke (Krazy Kenora Kangari) Not bad, Indiana, but you could have finished the job! (Un)fortunately he got nailed before delivering his 3 misses, dropping him from the leaders board. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Buffalo Knights were jubilant after only losing to the Vic. Mandarins by 10 goals. "Yeah, we really rallied hard at the end and made it an effort to be proud of," boasted John Deadpool, who scored 4 goals 3 in his first game at mobile. "We really messed up our lineup and changed things around and we scored a bit more than I'm sure they would have liked." John Not was equally enthused. "We scored as much on the champs as we managed all season. We are making the move up to look good in Gold." Outside the stadium, Knights' fans were selling "We only lost by 60" T-shirts, caps, mugs, KIAs, golf clubs and jumpers. A team marketing representative quickly quipped, "Hell, as well as sales are going, we might recommend losing by 60 every week!" Team Manager, Coach, Owner and Trainer Bridget Fonda was also pleased to report the team's only injury was John B.I.G.'s 'reported' death, but that rumor was quickly quelled as John B.I.G. was seen shortly thereafter downing a Violet outside a local tavern. A schedule review shows the Knights face the HSA in round 4. Having lost a close game in round 3, Buffalo will be ready for a total Spaz! In yet, yet another side note, Buffalo Knights stock rose when it was announced shares of the team could be obtained along with the purchase of any Super-Size drink at area Circle-K and 7-11 stores. The stocks, which are redeemable for food prizes, have become such a popular item in primary schools in Manix that district superintends have considered using the stocks in place of real money. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Pirate Digest, featuring sports by Jimmy the Swab: "Blarg, and now it be toime fer sports. Here be our first guestie, Cliff Secord of ther Manix Maulers." "Hi" "So yer and yer mates play sports, then, blarg?" "Yup." "Arr, I thought so. Aren't yer one of those people what wants ta talk like pirates?" "No, not really." "C'mon matey, 'tis fun. Arr." "No, no thanks." "C'mon, one little blarg for ol' Jim Lad." "Well.. okay. Blarg. Hey, that _was_ kinda fun. Blarg, blarg, blarg. Arr, I'm a pirate." "Har har, I be Jimmy the Swab and that be sports this week." In other news, brave Manix operatives switched the Buffalo Knights' uniforms with Folger's Crystals. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- A one point loss to the Sluggers? Madame Venusia is speechless.... Oops, that was last week's press. What a blunder, she's speechless again! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Newcastle: Week 4. The cautious Novas management is hoping that this week's game against the All-Stars will not give rise to too many injuries. "We already see our round five clash with the Herons as the big match that may decide the final top spot in bronze," said coach Kathy Horton. "They have some dynamic players, and although we've been very lucky up to this point, we rate the Himeji threat very highly." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- Finally, after a couple of weeks where Air-Pacific had suffered a plethora of devastaing injuries, the lineup heals at the cost of dropping a game. Who knows what's to come? Stay tuned, true believers! This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Johnny Juggler makes his return to the lineup this week after he, Sling, and Safety Net were badly burned in an on-field explosion during their loss to the Greymoor Gladiators. The team is currently under investigation for unsafe use of explosives, and may be fined or otherwise punished by the commisioner. "It was fine when all they were doing was throwing pies at people, but every year things have escalated to the point where now players are placing lit explosives in other players' body cavities", said Mel in an official press release yesterday. The Circus Stars' starting Rover 'Sling' is still in hospital, and will likely be out another two weeks. The details of his injury are not been released due to the extremely sensitive nature of body-cavity explosions. Needless to say, he is still in a great deal of pain. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- We wud lik 2 tank d Raiders 4 a gud gam. we wud lik 2 sa Sor-E to Ghengis hoo wuz givun a nukel Sam Widge bi R vere on Sam Widges an will prob a blee hav 2 sta in d hos pital 4 a litl bit. Dis iz vere trublin nuse an we R so up sit dat we donut even no hoo we R plane against dis week. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Kuala Lumpur Technocrats ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- Another game, another loss... The pig carcasses are mounted on spits, ready to turn over hot coals. The ale and mulled wine lies ready in vast kegs. All we need now is a WIN and the celebrations may commence. But we don't see it happening for a while yet. Sigh. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- An interesting spectacle was afforded the press corps as their fondest wish was twisted. "Hi, I am sure that it is as awful for you to be here as I", said the stranger, "We face the next challenger in the most annoying of times. Having had proof from the Inland Fishies that mobile dominance is still the SPARF byword, despite rumors to the contrary, we now have to face our next mobile heavy opponent without a chance to put the lesson into practice. We can only hope that they atypically start gouting blood, or at least have a rash of sprained thumbs. It is high fatigue week for the 4on/4off crowd and that tends to bring out the Roman spectator in the modern SPARFhead. Ciao, Babies." The press corps later decided that this one was mostly useful as fertilizer. Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! W L T 2 1 0 And then came the Gladiolas!