------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- Hey we won one! (Anyone got a good headache cure? Let me know) In real life news, Easter weekend heralds the start of a new footy season. The Sturt Football Club will be strolling out against Port Adelaide in the SANFL, beginning their bid to get off the bottom of the premiership ladder for the first time since 1988. If anyone wants information on how to become a member of the Sturt Football Club (est. 1901), contact me. Manager Barry ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The St. Louis Cattle ------------------------------------------------------- Plantagenet Sommerset Fry actually skipped into the press room this week. Before he could speak, Enrest Enterman spat a question at him, his speech somewhat slurred due to the rather large canker sore which has developed on his lower lip. "So that grin on your face must be due to 100/1 odds you overcame last week to bring your club to the 50-50 mark. However, you probably didn't count on an ace investigative reporter also finding out that St. Louis Cattle players had all been to the bookies with club money before the game, financing the new shelter shed you have in construction." "All true," replied Fry, undaunted with one eyebrow raised in an expression so smug it should have no trouble reaching the national sports and business pages. "So what's the problem?" "Isn't just a little bit odd that the win was so convincing after losses which established such strong odds? Aren't you worried that someone will accuse you of tanking the first games?" "Not at all. You see we didn't bet on ourselves. Our money was on the the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos, Port Coquitlam Circus Stars, and New Sturt Blues, perennial contenders who were riduclously ranked as long underdogs. Sure the Yobbos lost, but that still leaves a 650/3 return on investment for the three games. Frankly, the 100/1 odds on the Cattle just weren't enough incentive with the kind of easy money lying around. And of course we'd like to offer our condolences to Uluru bookkeepers, who are no doubt feeling the financial sting about now." Unusually, a regular sports writer interrupted with a question, "This is Bob Pullman of the St. Louis Sport Review. I was wondering if you could comment on the youth strategies of the club and play around the league." "Well clearly we have our eyes set on the Bronze league where the expansion clubs are likely to want to stop the nasty poundings they been receiving by picking up some seasoned veterans such as we have in plenty here in St. louis, and we're betting that they will have the foresight to part with a small share of their youth to get a hold of some talent they can put on the field to help the youth acuire the skills they need. Clearly getting youth is a cornerstone of the Cattle's long range plans, and getting some skill on the field is crucial to the expansion teams ever getting out of Bronze. The command is 'forward: cattle' for they or anyone else who wants to part with some age 0-2 players in return for cash or high skill vets. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- A loss! At last back to something we understand - I wish I had had some money on the cattle. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- A win! A win! But such a Pyrrhic victory. Time to break out the bandages. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- The more "upsets" we have, the more likely that the computer will offer more conservative odds in future games. For example, in Gold after week 3 the top ranked team (Spring Creek) was perceived as being 59 points better than the bottom ranked team (Raiders). Currently, after week 4, the top ranked team (Greymoor) is perceived as being 47 points better than the bottom ranked team (still Raiders). An even bigger reduction occurred in Bronze (a 26 point drop), while the change in Silver was much smaller (2 points). Gold Spring Creek Piranhas 8/13 v Victorian Mandarins 5/4 * Giant Redwoods 1/11 v Buffalo Knights 8/1 Petawawa Purple Platypi --- v New Sturt Blues 100/1 Viking Raiders 11/4 v California Sluggers 2/7 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 8/15 v Uluru Dingoes 6/4 The Mythstics 500/1 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars --- Havana Spaz Attack 1/9 v CSUA 6/1 Greymoor Gladiators --- v Black Company 4000/1 Silver The St. Louis Cattle 2/5 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 2/1 * Sherwood Bandits 4/1 v Manix Maulers 2/11 * Nar Nar Goon --- v Chattanooga Crusaders 300/1 Wallamaloo Philosophers 5000/1 v Indiana Fire --- Limboland Mists --- v Krazy Kenora Kangari 4000/1 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 40/1 v Christminster Clerics 1/60 Silicon Valley Angels 1/50 v The Borg 33/1 Seren City Supers 2/7 v Roxburgh Kittens 11/4 * Bronze Darwin Destroyers 1/11 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 9/1 Newcastle Novas 1/50 v Himeji Herons 33/1 Albion All-stars 6/1 v Adelaide Hornets 1/8 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Last weeks game can only be described as a nail-biter, ending in an upset. The Technocrats won, and the Hornets are very upset. The Herons got off well at the start, the Technocrats scoring accurately. Come the second quarter, however, some of the Himeji players began to rest on their laurels, leaving the play to others. In the third quarter, the Techno-mobiles took control of the game, virtually shutting out the Himeji mobiles and starving their forward structure. A goal late in the quarter gave them the lead for the first time in the match. The final quarter was nothing short of frenetic. The Herons strived to lift their game to regain the lead, the Technocrats playing with confidence and rampant on-ballers. The Technocrats scored the first two goals for the quarter, but the Herons managed to peg them back. A third goal at the 15 minute mark gave them the lead, but only for a few minutes as the Technocrats slowly worked the ball into their forward zone to score. Trailing by two points with less than thirty seconds to go, Fletcher of the Herons cleared the ball from the back line to Collins in the centre. A quick pass to the half-forward line was scrambled by Cummins, who speared the ball into the leading chest of Thorfin. To that stage, Thorfin had kicked 3 straight goals from limited opportunities. As he kicked his fourth shot at goal, the siren went. The crowd went up in jubilation as the ball arced toward the goals, but the roar of victory turned to dismay as the ball shaved the side of the post for a solitary behind. The Technocrats by a point. Coaches' comments follow: Kevin Shady - "That certainly was a game we could have - SHOULD have won. A few of the guys need to take a long hard look at themselves. With the unbeaten Novas next, it looks like we'll finish the first leg 2-3. Given we've had 3 home games, that's not the kind of start we wanted." Murphy Alan - "The worst possible thing is going to happen at the worst possible time. A poster after the siren. That really sucks." Chris Paragreen - "They just took our mobiles out of the game. Our loss to the Destroyers happened when our mobile division blew up. I think that's our weakness - no mobiles, no Herons. We're going to have to train our way out of that." David Shore - "Some of the fellas were just too complacent. It makes it difficult for us to attract supporters with performances like that. Sure, it was a close, exciting finish, but it should have been a victory." Mark Wills - "DOH!" Danny Cochran - "We got off to a slow start last season, and came charging home. Hopefully we can repeat that again this year. If we can finish the season with 10 wins from here, I'll be happy." Noel Judd - "I'm really pissed. The Technocrats had better watch out when we play them next time!" And finally, in related news, the goal umpire who signalled the behind was given a package to never umpire again. Shortly after delivery, the package exploded. Police are looking into it, but preliminary investigations indicate a coincidence. Himeji 4. 2 7. 6 9. 7 12.10. 82 K.L.T. 1. 4 5. 7 9.10 12.11. 83 Goals - HIMEJI: Cummins, Thorfin 3, Mercury 2, Bigtoe, Harvy, Simon, Sommers. K.L.T.: Five, Two 3, Nine, One 2, Four, Six. Best - HIMEJI: Collins, Cummins, Fletcher, Harvy, Thorfin. K.L.T.: Al Five, As. Five, Four, Three, Two. Crowd: 8,235 at Himeji This Week: The Herons go down under to the Novas (pun intended). ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Aldelaide Hornets ------------------------------------------------------- A recent story from the Adelaide Sport Journal sited internal sources saying that coach Jackman would be removed from his position if the Hornets lose their next game. In line to take his place would be Coach Reeves, whose two sons play for the team. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Fans in Buffalo once again rejoiced in a fine contest, as Buffalo almost pulled out an upset, falling to the Spaz Attack by a mere 3 points. "Yes, it was close again and we're excited to lose by so little", claims John Bosa. The fans in the stadium seem to feel the same way, as 71% of all Knights fans surveyed thought the team would stay in Gold next season, 26% thought the team had a 50/50 chance in staying in Gold and 3% were so pissed that they couldn't comprehend the question. (Survey has a +-4.1% margin or error) Buffalo management also announced the secret signing of a new rookie fron right under Manix Maulers' nose. Although he's only 5 years old, he's already 1.2 m tall and can kick the ball 50m with either foot. He is currently being trained at a secret footy facility called 'The Centre', someplace in the US American east coast area. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- The next two weeks see us up against the Piranhas and the Gladiators. TOO BAD!! But for whom? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Food Times: In another installment of our "What are Manix professional sports people eating?" series, we travel to the clubhouse of the Manix Australian Rules Football team, the Manix Maulers. We caught up with Mauler half-forward and team gourmet, Cliff Secord, who created a very special meal for his team. "Mr. Secord, I wonder if you could explain the reason why you're preparing this feast?" "See, we just won our third game, which is one more than we won last year." "And what are you serving this evening?" "A fine repast of Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and no Spam." "Bon appetite, Mr. Secord." "Yeah, thanks." Cliff Secord's recipe for Manix Mauler mornay sauce: Approx. Yield: 1 Gallon 1 1/4 lbs. Bread flour 1 1/4 lbs. Butter (melted) 4 quarts Milk (hot) 12 each Egg yolks 1/2 cup Light Bechamel sauce 6 oz. Parmesan cheese 8 oz. Butter (cold, broken in small pieces) Salt Make a roux with the flour and melted butter, cook for 5 minutes. Add the hot milk while stirring. Beat the egg yolks and cream together, add to the cream sauce slowly. Season to taste with salt, and cook 5 minutes. Remove from heat, add cheese and cold butter. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Limboland Mists ------------------------------------------------------- Against all odds (well the odds from the Uluru Dingoes) the Mist put on a mighty performance last week to crush the Seren City Sloppers (sic). This week the bookies are sure to be less generous as the Kenora Can't-gari (sic) feel the heat. As the saying goes, if you can't stand the heat, don't go near the heat! Roll on the finals. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Four straight losses is hardly the ideal start to the season. But losing to the Platypi by only 3 points (and inflicting massive injuries on the Gold leaders in the process) almost compensates. Well, no it doesn't really, so Venusia is still sulking and Press Seances remain on hold. Maybe if The Mythstics eventually win a game she'll have something to say? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Newcastle: Week 5. The Novas are looking for a dominant game against the Herons. "We're hoping that last week's one point defeat has stunned the Himeji lineup", said coach Bob Fulton. "A cruel result like that can really demoralize a team. Of course, our biggest danger is overconfidence, and this is the first time I've had that sort of worry for about four or five seasons." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Slack Rope joins Sling in hospital this week. Trainers got Slack Rope and teammate Tight Rope mixed up, and as a result Slack was hospitalized for unusually high tension and stress. As a result, rookie star Trained Seal will see some action this week. He doesn't move well laterally, but has excellent eye-nose co-ordination. We may place him at Full Forward, and have him tip the ball through the goal- posts. When asked about the possibility of his first start, Trained Seal merely barked and made singing-howling noises. Hey, what do you want? He's a seal. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- HOOOOOOOOOOOOOWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Dat wuz cloz. We hav nevr Ceen so mush Purple Platypi blud un D feeld B-4. Donut B foold by Mythkey Mouth. He ma luk lik a kute n kudlee kar toon mouth, but we no now dat he iz reelee a moutant ray D o ack tiv beest woo feeds on D blud uv udder ann imels. Weez wuz nut ecks peck ting such a cloz gam. Gud gam plan Mythies. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Kuala Lumpur Technocrats ------------------------------------------------------- A mighty victory against Himeji! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS FIRM FOR SPOON ASGARD: The hall of the Gods is abuzz once more with the heady news that the prestigious Viking Raiders Football Club has slumped to bottom of the Gold league ladder. Murmurs waft from the shadows as the Norse Gods discuss the plight of their team. "It's not so bad", claimed head honcho Uncle Steve, in the calm manner of aloofness for which he has become much renowned. "At this rate we'll have something to put in the trophy cabinet at the end of the season. We might not be in the running for any silverware (except the annual Blues-Vikings trophy... count on it) but at least we'll have a nice big wooden spoon to put on display." The chief Gods nodded their behorned heads in assent. "That's what the fans come here to see", claimed Odin. "Results. What kind of a club would we be if we had no spoons to our name? The fans flock into the clubrooms after the game for a nice mug of warm mead or stout. They get depressed after a massive loss, trudging through the barren club foyer on the way to the bar. It would lift their spirits so much if we had a great big wooden spoon hanging over the door, adorned in black-and-gold Viking ribbons. They'd know that there was a reason for it all, they'd have some pride in their club". "Consequently, the players are training in the Vikings' bar this week, to get all fat and slothful for the upcoming clash with the Piranhas. Now we have our sights set firmly on a goal, we don't intend to let our fans down." GO YOU VIKINGS... BOTTOM O' GOLD! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Position open, previous employee left for greener pastures. Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! W L T 2 2 0