Reminder: Games run tomorrow. Get your orders in. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- "Hello, hello? Is this mike on"? Thus began the latest (first?) press conference ever held in Sherwood Forest. The Bandit management team were bewildered at the attention being shown to their team, with some intrepid Press Corp members even finding their way through the Sherwood maze and onto the training field. "I guess we've never won 5 on the trot before, and certainly never been on top of a ladder, any ladder", explained Bandit captain Dougie Hawkins. "Is that good?", he asked team management, before being hustled away. "Hahahaha!" laughed the team owner from behind his protective screen. "These guys, they can play footy, but don't have a brain between them!" he added. "Still, having a look at the scouting reports from the Gold League brings us back to earth - can you believe that there are teams whose interchange players would get places as mobiles in our team!!!" Hmmm, looks like Gold is a loooong way off! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- We're gonna win!! (In real life news, the Sturt Football Club defeated North Adelaide on Friday night 11.16 to 10.7 . Happy happy, joy joy!) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Borg ------------------------------------------------------- ouch, ouch, and ouch. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The St. Louis Cattle ------------------------------------------------------- Plantagenet Sommerset Fry was notably absent from the press room this week. In his place stood a large man in a white coat and hat with a string tie. "M'namz Dominic Lemieux," he started in a light cajun accent, " Fry's not here on a coun' a he's nose to with bein' the new head coach an' all. Fact is, we got us all a seven new coaches." "Excuse me, sir. What was that?" came the predicatable voice of Ernest Enterman. The voice was slightly less nasal than usual, largely because he wasn't moving as much air through the plegm of his bad cold. "Damn you bes' clean up tha' nose, boy. So anyways Hans Reichman's on as the man to fix up goal percents over from Bundesleague.", Lemieux continued with a nod to Hans Reichman. "This here is the new mark coach, but damn if I can say his name," Dominic indicated a tall, thin black man with penetrating eyes. "Jina langu ni Juma Mgani," the man replied. "The rest'll all be here next week ta meet y'all, but now I'm off ta Big Easy for some Business just can' wait. All yours Maganih an' Hans." "Kwa Heri." the Mark coach dismissed Mr. Lemieux. "Habari gani?" he asked the press. After a long silence, he concluded. "Kwa herini." and left with Hans in tow. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Training was in Christminster Bush Base Hospital after another savage week of footy... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Not a win, but at least they got injuries and we didn't. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- Those interested in trying out a Tcl/Tk-based lineup order preparer may wish to fetch http://www.cs.mu.oz.au/~evan/lineup.tcl Be kind, it's my first Tcl/Tk program, and it's no doSPARF. The odds appear to have finally settled down: we're expected to lose this week. Gold Victorian Mandarins 1/2 v Greymoor Gladiators 13/8 Giant Redwoods 1/13 v Spring Creek Piranhas 10/1 Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/9 v Buffalo Knights 6/1 New Sturt Blues 1/30 v California Sluggers 20/1 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 1/17 v Viking Raiders 13/1 Uluru Dingoes 9/1 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/12 Havana Spaz Attack 2/11 v The Mythstics 9/2 Black Company 4/6 v CSUA EVENS Silver Air-Pacific Groundhogs 8/11 v Seren City Supers EVENS Sherwood Bandits 1/4 v The St. Louis Cattle 13/4 Nar Nar Goon 11/4 v Manix Maulers 2/7 * Chattanooga Crusaders 500/1 v Indiana Fire --- Limboland Mists --- v Wallamaloo Philosophers 1000/1 Krazy Kenora Kangari 100/1 v Christminster Clerics --- Silicon Valley Angels 1/25 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 18/1 Roxburgh Kittens 1/25 v The Borg 18/1 Bronze Newcastle Novas 1/13 v Darwin Destroyers 10/1 Albion All-stars 12/1 v Himeji Herons 1/15 Adelaide Hornets 16/1 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 1/20 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- It's not very enjoyable writing press reports after a losing game. The result was not a surprise, although the margin wasn't too bad. A deficit of 8 goals 2. Jonathon Doe of the Novas kicked 8.3. I guess that means there was only one player the difference between the two teams! There's a note of optimism. We also kicked almost a similar score as last week, against a better team. That means that the side improved. Another point! Hey this is getting fun! More fun will be taking on the Allstars again. I suspect (hope) they'll be a better side than when we played them last time. Let's see how much better we are - can we improve on the 159 point margin! Having played each of the teams in Bronze once each, it is interesting(?!) to note that we have the second strongest forward line, and third strongest defence. When then, are we in fourth? Himeji 3. 3 5. 7 8.10 11.11. 76 Novas 6. 4 11. 6 16. 9 19.13.127 Goals - HIMEJI: Cummins, Harvey, Mercury, Thorfin 2, Collins, Simon, Symmons. K.L.T.: Doe 8, Watson 4, Quinn 3, Zola 2, Pakula, Vincent. Best - HIMEJI: Arceri, Buick, Collins, Cummins, Thorfin, Wang. NOVAS : Bill, Doe, Larsen, Menot, Pakula, Watson. Crowd: 21,089 at Newcastle This Week: The Herons get some badly needed points against the Nostars. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Once again, the streets of Buffalo were filled with rioting looters and happy fans as the Knights played a great game. "Sure we lost by 71," admitted John Cree, "But we scored 20 goals on them." And Buffalo's team optimist John Biggerstaff had more positive things to say. "Once again, our only injury was a minor scrape (0) and we are all healthy and happy." Following the Knights return flight, fans numbering 50000 massed outside the airport to snatch up T-shirts claiming "20 goals against Redwoods" and "We Ain't Hurtin' Bay-Bee!". A small 10-street parade was thrown despite the massive rainfall that has flooded the city and made the Buffalo home pitch unplayable. "Yessir, it's a regular wetlands out there," Owner Bridget Fonda confessed, "but we've been playing every match on the road anyway, so who really cares. Besides, the field is in such poor shape that we can't practice during the week and the guys are enjoying the free time." That free time has included taking night courses at the _Buffalo Institute of Technology, Crime and Heritage_, visits to the _School of Limited and Unlimited Thought_ and attacks on the Manix Republic's popular _Warehouse of Happily Oppressed Roadway Engineers_. Several expert construction workers and blueprint artists were kidnapped from Manix and are now working on a secret government project in the Buffalo sewer. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- The Mandarins are coming off a startling victory over the team with the best mobiles in the game, and hopes are high we'll retain our perfect record against the also-perfect Gladiators. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of Manix Fashion Weekly: The Republic of Manix loves one-shoulder tops and asymmetrical hems, so much so that when fishtail skirts started showing up on runways in Europe last month, Manix designers reportedly paid large sums of money to the Manix Maulers Australian Rules Football team to "beat the snot out of those limp-wristed deluded European pillow-biters." Upon arrival, the Maulers promptly decided that the European designers were "too tough" and instead bloodied their models instead. The runways of Europe will be expected to break new ground in the "Wounded Chic" look, with color schemes including mottled skin, ugly bruise and split lip. Watch for accessories such as crutches and tourniquets to complement their collections. In other news, courageous Manix operatives secured photographs of Buffalo mobile John Spleen in women's knickers. The knickers in question were an offensive frilly lacy Chablais-rayon ensemble. The trans-gender leanings of Spleen comes as much less of a surprise as his general bad taste in lingerie. Unofficial SPARF home page: http://lamar.colostate.edu/~ddave/sparf/ ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Another narrow loss...The...Owners...seem to have deserted The Mythstics. At times like these the traditional response is to stoke the altar. Let the blood flow! Victory awaits! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Newcastle: Week 6. The Novas management are still in severe holiday mode following the brilliant start to the season. No comments were available from any of the coaching staff, and there are even some concerns that the training schedule may be abandoned this week. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- Finally, after a couple of weeks where Air-Pacific had suffered a plethora of devastaing injuries, the lineup heals at the cost of dropping a game. Who knows what's to come? Stay tuned, true believers! This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The Circus Stars get a much-needed week off, giving them some time to test some new circus stunts for the remainder of the season. "You can only do the 'confetti in the water cooler' gag so many times before the other teams begin to catch on", said player-coach Sling, still in hospital. "Lying in this hospital bed for the past few weeks has given me some time to think up some brand new circus gags. Or, at least old circus gags with some new packaging..." No further details were given, except that several loud explosions have been heard coming from the Circus Star training tent. Of course, this could just the cook's extra-spicy chile... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- I hop evre 1 ad a hoppe hoppe E-stir. Weeze iz jus hoppee 2 dat D X-tra weke gav us tim 2 sneek Jack ot uv da hos pit Al. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Kuala Lumpur Technocrats ------------------------------------------------------- Darwin Destroyers have never been able to get close to beating the Technocrats. The last results show the capabilities of this new expansion team. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS LEAP TO NINTH ASGARD: Once again the familiar sounds of merriment abound from Vallhalla as the Viking supporters, staff and Gods celebrate the Raiders' first win in the prestigious Gold league. Mulled wine flows freely at the banquet tables and pigs rotate merrily on the spit. "Not only did they win, but they leaped up from bottom place to ninth", commented head trainer Thor between mouthfuls of roast pork. "One week we were challenging for the spoon, this week we're eyeing off the playoffs for the SPARF cup. Oh what a fickle game this can be!" "It wasn't all good news", said head honcho Uncle Steve. "Unfortunately none of the boys were injured - although we had concerns that our ruckman may have had to pull out before the game 'coz he broke a fingernail. Next week we'll be trying harder to scrape a few knees and thus bring Nurse Ratchet back into the game. When she hits top form I just know the boys will be unstoppable." GO YOU RAIDERS... BRING ON THEM YOBBOS! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Boy we suck this season! Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! 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