------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- No time for press. No time to breathe. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The St. Louis Cattle ------------------------------------------------------- "So let me get this straight," Dano Ho said for the twentieth time in the rubble of the St. Louis Press Room. "Some guy named Hungry Jack wants to kill off the St. Louis press?" "No, no, NO!" Lao Mai replied. "Hungry Jack's is the name of the Burger King in Australia." "And he's related to the Burger King in the US who wants to kill us?" Ho asked, dumbfounded. "I give up," Mai said upon leaving. Abdul Jalib chipped in helpfully. "They're part of the same company." "So let me get this straight," Ho repeated. "Hungry Jack is keeping Burker King company, and they want to kill us." Hans Reichman burst in. "We have a sample of food from Hungry Jack's. According to the Lab it's highly toxic. They may be planning to poison us. Their tomato based condiment, known only as 'sauce', was particulary harmful." "Yeah," Abdul interjected, "but that's the same stuff they serve everyone." "So let me get this straight," Dano Ho sounded confident, "Hungry Jack is in the company of Burger King, and he wants to poison us." "He wants to poison everyone," Abdul happily supplied. "Not *in* the company, it is a company," Hans corrected. "Habari gani," Juma Mgani entered. Fry followed behind in, "Has anyone seen Ernest?" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- No doubt we will miss Dennis Hoppers rugged defence, and unparrelled sledging on the field, but it gives some of our younger players a chance to put their hand up. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- Our second win for the year... against the odds. 8-) Gold Victorian Mandarins --- v CSUA 100/1 Greymoor Gladiators 4/5 v Giant Redwoods EVENS * Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/4 v Spring Creek Piranhas 13/4 Buffalo Knights 1/7 v California Sluggers 5/1 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 2/9 v New Sturt Blues 7/2 Viking Raiders 7/1 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/9 Havana Spaz Attack 4/5 v Uluru Dingoes 4/5 * Black Company 5/2 v The Mythstics 4/13 * Silver Air-Pacific Groundhogs 1/40 v The Borg 30/1 Seren City Supers 4/1 v Sherwood Bandits 1/5 Nar Nar Goon 13/4 v The St. Louis Cattle 1/4 * Manix Maulers 1/5 v Indiana Fire 4/1 * Limboland Mists --- v Chattanooga Crusaders 100/1 Wallamaloo Philosophers 100/1 v Christminster Clerics --- Silicon Valley Angels 1/25 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 19/1 Roxburgh Kittens 1/8 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 6/1 Bronze Albion All-stars 25/1 v Darwin Destroyers 1/40 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 20/1 v Newcastle Novas 1/30 Himeji Herons 1/50 v Adelaide Hornets 33/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The Herons came home in what can be described as a physical encounter. The Herons had the edge all day, but inaccurate scoring kept the Destroyers in the hunt. Action started only seconds into the game when the Heron's Harvy roved the ball from the ruck tap and drove the ball into the forward pocket to the waiting John BigToe. Superb body work kept his opponent, Richard Hart, from making a contest, so Hart came out with a move that would have made Bruce Lee proud. Already seething from the massacre from their previous encounter, the Himeji players wasted no time in converging on the scene. The fight was on, and for the next five minutes, the umpires tried to break up the mass of players without getting thumped themselves. With a semblance of order restored and BigToe off the ground, Micheal Lang came on and took the free kick. He scored truly for the first goal of the game. The ball had only just made it back to the middle when controversy struck again. At the other end of the ground, Justin Fletcher decided to even the score, crunching his opponent, Andrew Hart. In a controversial move aimed at preventing the match from being more destructive than Cyclone Tracy, the central umpire took the ball down to that end of the ground and awarded the free kick to Andrew's replacement, Richard Putty. The result - another goal. Things settled down a little after that. The Herons never really looked like losing the game. Mark Harvy was picking up almost every loose ball, and booting four goals. It could have been considerably more - he also scored 6 misses. 6 is bad, but was not the record for the game. Michael Symmons went one better from centre-half forward. From 9 shots, he managed 1.1.7. Needless to say, the coaching staff were less than impressed. "If he was under pressure, it wouldn't have been so bad. But instead of passing to the players leading in the forward line, he kept making long-bombs, and stuffing them. Our whole forward line had only 6 shots for the entire game (they all scored) - that's less than the number of his misses! He won't be holding the key position next week!" Darwin 3. 2 7. 3 9. 6 11. 7. 73 Himeji 3. 4 4. 9 8.13 12.14. 86 Goals - DARWIN: Dove 3; Swan 2; Breyer, Hart, LeRoux, Parsinen, Putty, Williams. HIMEJI: Harvy 4; Lloyd, Simon 2; Collins, Lang, Symmons, Thorfin. Best - ALBION: Brake, Dove, Hart, Holmes, Swan, Williams. HIMEJI: Fletcher, Harvy, Lang, Lloyd, Mist, Simon. Crowd: 21,457 at Darwin This Week: The Herons should come one game closer to second spot with a win against the Hornets and the Technocrats playing the invincible Novas. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Coming off a strong performance against Roxborough, the Kangari are hot on the trails of the Silicon Angels. Look out, lads, we're hungry for our first win! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Buffalo fans were disappointed by the Knights' poor showing against the Yobbos. Livermore's 10 goal victory was considered a low-point for the season by the merciless Buffalo media. Their criticism reached an all-time high in the hours and days that followed the match. "They stink" and "You losers" were the most commonly-repeated phrases heard outside the Buffalo locker room. Fans called into talk-radio KBUF with suggestions for improving the team. Included in the selections were . . . ...suiting up a team of 8-year old girls, because they have more heart. ...repositioning the goalposts 75 m apart, to give the FF a better chance. ...changing the team's uniform colors to green, green and green, in the hopes that the camouflage confuses the oppostion. Team optimist John Biggerstaff, still vacationing with injury in Hawaii, could only offer support to his teammates in this time of need. "We have just one upper-echelon game in Gold left, against the Sluggers, so maybe after that match we can string some wins together and win back the fans' love and support." Buffalo's webpage received 457,059 hits in the 3 hours following the game, with various lewd, crude and morally questionable suggestions for how team owner/coach/manager Bridget Fonda could improve morale and performance. In response to that criticism, she encouraged the entire Knights roster spend the evening phoning up Manix radio stations, asking if thay had Prince Albert in a can. The joke worked an unprecedented 147 times in a row. Next week - California Sluggers. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Tribune-Sentinel-Globe-Herald: In a surprise move this week, the Republic of Manix Ministry of Decorative Lapel Pins, Medals, Ribbons, And Assorted Bits Of Embroidery awarded the Exalted Counter-Espionage Medal to Ernest Enterman, a reporter for the St. Louis Inquisitor. Enterman thwarted vile acts of terrorism by the Buffalo pig-dogs against our greatly revered ManixDome by bravely initiating a clever disinformation campaign. The Exalted Counter-Espionage Medal is one of the heaviest and most colorful of the medals that the Republic of Manix awards to foreign nationals. Reportedly, Enterman will receive his medal if he arrives at Manix with an appropriate visa and refrains from using counter-counter-espionage tactics against our Great Republic. In other news, elite Manix casting agents convinced Bridget Fonda, the manager of the Buffalo Knights, that "In the Gloaming" would get her career going again. Unofficial SPARF home page: http://lamar.colostate.edu/~ddave/sparf/ ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Another loss: you can't expect a Press Seance after that! (More fuel for the altar, let the blood flow...) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Now at the midpoint of the season, the circus stars are poised respectably in the standings, but have yet to play any of the really tough teams. Port has suffered more than a few nasty injuries thus far, and keeping 21 players healthy each week has been a major challenge. Last week, centre Owen Morse tripped on his size 17FFF shoes, tearing his medium co-ladder-roll ligament. Trained Seal, the #1 draft pick is looking very good on the practice squad, and is expected to see more and more playing time in the second half of the season. Trained can now catch the ball on his nose, flip it into the air, and swat it powerfully downfield with his tail. However, he still bites on the 'ball-in- one-hand, fish-in-the-other' fake. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Dat wuz fun. We ma B N furst plas bi R selvs, but de tuffest gams uv da seezon R stil 2 cum. Weez iz glad dat we cud beet da Gladiators 4 der furst lost uv da seezon, butt da Spring Creek Pirahnas cud E-Z-Lee giv us R furst lost uv da seezon dis week. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Kuala Lumpur Technocrats ------------------------------------------------------- No comments from the management of the Technocrats ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS ODDS SHORTEN FURTHER ASGARD: Merriment abounds and car doors slam rhythmically outside the hall of the Gods today following the Viking's narrow win over the spazzers, 160 to 153. "Good kicking lads", spake head honcho Uncle Steve to his charges. "43 shots to 35 but we still got the money thanx to some pinpoint accuracy in front of goals. At this rate, we might even be favourites for a match soon... can't wait to see the DingoBook odds this week". Unfortunately for the Raiders, this week they are drawn to play the Circus Freaks and thus are looking at a severe caning. Oh well. Also this week - the real-life Sturt Blues hit off against the much famed Glenelg Tigers in a curtain raiser to a game between Richmond & some other backwards, little-known $AFL team. Expect next week's press to be full of good-natured ribbing, aimed squarely at the manager of the NSB ;-) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Just not feeling very presslike. Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! W L T 4 3 0