From mel@CSUA.Berkeley.EDU Tue Jul 29 13:37:50 1997 Received: from soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU (soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU [128.32.43.52]) by space.stat.colostate.edu (8.8.6/8.8.6) with SMTP id NAA06348 for ; Tue, 29 Jul 1997 13:37:49 -0600 (MDT) Received: (from mel@localhost) by soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU (8.6.12/8.6.12) id MAA01798 for kibitz; Tue, 29 Jul 1997 12:30:39 -0700 Date: Tue, 29 Jul 1997 12:30:39 -0700 From: Mel Nicholson Message-Id: <199707291930.MAA01798@soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU> To: kibitz@soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU Status: RO ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- Wow! Beyond our wildest dreams we've made it to the big time - GOLD next season!!!! :) Management are now asking themselve how the hell *that* happened??? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- The snapping sound of Jim Derrington's left ulna rang through the club = last week after the Blues ruck-rover left the ground in the second = quarter in the game against the Yobbos. The loss of Derrington weakened = the Blues and allowed the Yobbos to scrape home. In need of inspiration, Manager Barry downloaded the team into a HP48SX = and took them to see their real life counterparts whip Central Districts = at Adelaide Oval on Saturday afternoon. The cyber team learnt many new skills including how to score goals = whilst two thirds of the other team is beating up your full back (you = had to be there). The Blues play the Gladiolas this week and fully expect to lose through = receiving injuries to at least half the team. Double figure fatigue = should make this an interesting time for the club medical team. They're = already warming up the life support units.... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- We was robbed! It's hard to accept another season in silver... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- Grand Final Giant Redwoods 2/5 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 2/1 Gold Petawawa Purple Platypi EVENS v Victorian Mandarins 8/11 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 8/11 v Uluru Dingoes EVENS The Mythstics 6/4 v Spring Creek Piranhas 8/15 Greymoor Gladiators 4/11 v New Sturt Blues 9/4 Viking Raiders 1/4 v Indiana Fire 7/2 Black Company 4/5 v Sherwood Bandits EVENS Gold/Silver Manix Maulers 11/8 v Buffalo Knights 8/13 CSUA 2/1 v Havana Spaz Attack 2/5 Silver California Sluggers 4/5 v Christminster Clerics EVENS Seren City Supers 4/5 v The St. Louis Cattle EVENS Air-Pacific Groundhogs 1/2 v Nar Nar Goon 7/4 Newcastle Novas 1/10 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 8/1 Silver/Bronze Limboland Mists 1/4 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 13/4 Roxburgh Kittens 1/4 v Silicon Valley Angels 7/2 Bronze Himeji Herons 4/9 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 7/4 Wallamaloo Philosophers 8/1 v Darwin Destroyers 1/10 Adelaide Hornets EVENS v Chattanooga Crusaders 8/11 The Borg 4/9 v Albion All-stars 15/8 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Most people had written us off before this game (including ourselves). Ravaged by injury the previous week, our ranks were looking decidedly proppy as we lined up against the team that finished 6th in Silver. Our Achillies heel all season has been our mobile division, whenever they were out-classed, the whole team struggled. With the Cattle's mobiles so much better, we expected the same. This was not to be the case, with our forwards kicking 13.10 to their's 7.7. The first quarter saw the Cattle mobiles dominate, as expected. However, led by Michael Pride at CHB, our back-line cut off every pass into their forward line, turning the ball over and propelling it forward into our attacking zone. The whole of the Cattles' score for the quarter came from their mobiles. For the Heron's John BigToe hit three, and looked like scoring more until Buick, who had been feeding him the ball, fell awkwardly late in the quarter and was taken from the ground. The second quarter saw a similar pattern as the first. Symmons took over from where Buick left off, and when Cattle defender Joe Shmo pulled a hamstring, the Herons were able to go into the half-time break two points in front. Unfortunately for us, early in the third quarter, defender Gary McDonald left the ground with a corked thigh, forcing Sam Stanford on to the field. Thinking of retiring at the end of the year, Stanford, injured the previous week, was unwilling to sit the remaining games out on the side-lines and insisted on playing. He didn't last very long. With the spate of injuries last week, Mark Thomas was rushed back into the side after a 3 week lay-off. He played out the quarter, but was in no shape to take the field for the last. So at the final change, the Herons were a player short and a goal down. Even with Joe Shmo's replacement, Ernie DeHotShot, leaving the ground early in the final term, the damage to the Heron's was terminal. The Cattle were able to exploit the hole in our backline, allowing their forward in on more of the scoring and preventing the rebounding from defense that had been keeping us in the game. In the end, despite easing off the pressure, the Cattle were able to outscore us 7 goals to 2, running out comfortable winners. --- Cattle 6. 4 11. 8 17.11 24.13.157 Herons 5. 6 11.10 16.12 18.15.123 Goals - Cattle: M. DeHotShot, H. Stibbs 6; B. Stibbs 5; Glass, F. Rugrat, G. Rugrat 2; B. Rugrat. Herons: BigToe 5; Thorfin, Simon 3; Mercury, O'Ryan 2; Collins, Harvy, Lloyd. Best - Herons: BigToe, Darcie, Mercury, O'Ryan, Pride, Simon. Crowd: 19,889 at St. Louis This week: In the final week we find ourselves fighting against the Warrnambool Seahawks for the number 3 spot in Bronze. Despite a recurance of his hamstring injury last week, Mark Thomas has been declared fit, and with no new injuries, we have to give ourselves a chance at taking the number 3 spot. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Close relegation losses were a thing of the past as the Knights took advantage of an injury-depleted Manix team and coasted to an easy 10 goal victory. The win means the Knights can stay in Gold with a follow-up victory against the same Manix Maulers. "Our injury condition will be a pinch better, but they're getting a missing mobile back, so this game will surely be a tougher contest." conceded coach Bridget Fonda. Buffalo's famed Ministry of Bribes, Acrimony and Deceit has been working on ways to sabotage the Maulers in this season's final contest and some of the ideas have been rather ingenious. "Well, we could just shoot'em all in the foot," suggested Iron Man, "But we'd likely be up on video review after that. What we need is some sort of catastrophe that can't be linked to us, like that big rampaging elephant for the Circus Stars - now that's a real weapon." Another idea floating around Buffalo included a plan to fuse the Maulers' DNA with some hamsters, but the pet store wouldn't give John Spleen a team discount. "I've been hearing about some nasty, artery-cloggin' Hungry Jack stuff," laughed John Biggerstaff, "but the Blues are hogging the market on those 'burgers' so we'll have to use some other kind of food, like pork rinds." The anticipated Knights victory would clinch them the bottom of Gold (again) and set up Manix as the top seed in Silver next season. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Times-Star-Bugle-Venture: At a hastily assembled press conference this afternoon, the Manix Maulers' press secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, made the official traditional end-of-season statements. "Hey, see you next year." After a disinterested round of applause, the Manix press secretary was urged to comment further. "Hey, um, so I guess we'll see you next year." In other news, the Republic of Manix is planning to send a bouquet of ManixFlora (tm) to the winner of the Sparf Cup and to Scott Emery for running KYBB yet another year. Manix also mailed season tickets of the Manix Nancy Boys' Polo Club to Mel for being such a swell commisioner. Finally, Manix has plans to cropdust the city of Buffalo with a large quantity of anthrax later this year. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Limboland Mists ------------------------------------------------------- As followers of football have noticed, there has been a lot of conflict at the Mists the last few weeks. After the disastrous end of the home and away season that resulted in a flogging at the hands of "traditional rival" the Clerics, followed by a loss in the first relegation round, the club was split by an internal power struggle. The coaches and players were forced to take sides resulting in a stalemate. The following fortnight saw no training or selected lineups! Alas, the crisis is over. The Board members, coaching staff and players have patched up their differences and are raring to go this week. The final relegation game also sees the return of the Mists "Best and Fairest" winner for 1997, Junior Rourke. He was unable to play last week due to a minor injury that could not be treated by the medical staff involved in the power struggle. His supreme talents and onfield leadership were sorely missed. The players are staring relegation in the face with a loss, but worse than that, if those damned Clerics manage to fluke a win, they will be thrust into Gold, and the Mists will not have a grudge match to look forward to for at least a year! A thought that many in Limboland just cannot stomach. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Sacrifice the warm bodies, let the blood flow, let the flames burn, let the injuries abate! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- SPARF CUP: CIRCUS STARS vs REDWOODS =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Reporter: I've been away most of the season, covering teams who actually had a realistic chance of making the playoffs, but now it seems I've been with the wrong team as clearly the Circus Stars are the class of the field. Sling: Yeah, nice try. Too late to suck up now. Reporter: True, true. However, there's no denying that the team has had some success this year. I think you got everyone's attention when you upset the seemingly unbeatable Petawawa Purple Platypi in week 10. Sling: Yes, a very big win, there's no question. Then we beat them again last week, making us 3-1 lifetime against the Platapurples. Reporter: Down to business. Next week is the biggie: The Sparf Cup. You're up against the season-long powerhouse Giant Redwoods. And these guys _DO_ look unbeatable. Plus, they've trounced you twice already this year. Sling: Are you going somewhere with this? Reporter: I'm looking for the inside scoop. Obviously you're not going to beat the Redwoods with talent, so what inane, moronic, demented, childish pranks do you have planned? Sling: You know, that offends me. Our pranks aren't moronic. Reporter: Sorry. I meant to say inane, demented, childish and utterly pointless. Sling: That's better. Reporter: There's been some word about some new goalposts. Of course, your moving goalposts were declared illegal by the commissioner. Sling: Yeah, but we got something new. Better even. Disappearing Goalposts! Reporter: That sounds like more of a magicians trick than a circus gag. Sling: Well, we like to cover all the bases. Anyway, the net effect is that the other team can't see where the goalposts have gone, and therefore can't kick any goals. Reporter: Wow! Sling: Precisely. After the moving goalposts were declared illegal by the commissioner, we put our R&D guys to work. And this is what we've come up with. Reporter: Surely these disappearing goalposts can't be legal either. Sling: Probably not, but by the time they've held the inquiry and done all the paperwork, hopefully the playoffs will be over. Reporter: And you have no trouble sleeping at night. Sling: None. Of course, what you call sleeping, we call 'passing out'. (off camera) "Let's get another keg open!" Reporter: I gotta look for a new job. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- We dun losted boat R gams wit da Circus Stars. Dis wuz nut a gud yeer. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Kuala Lumpur Technocrats ------------------------------------------------------- A good finish to the season from the Technocrats.