SPARF: Press pre-season week 3 Notes from Mel regarding simulator changes: 1) Injury rates are up, but the effects of injury are down. Given the same age and fatigue, you should expect just under 3x as many injuries. Most injuries will not invole hospitalization, and some won't even make you miss a game.(see injury table for details) 2) Statistic keeper revamped! Now ICs get credit rather than the person they sub for, and the defgoods are given out based on effect rather than spot actions (so you don't get multiple defgoods for a single event) Also non-defender defgoods get reported correctly. Output format is unchanged. 3) Bugs fixed. The problems involving one person making a mark and a different person kicking are gone, also position is now perfectly tracked The somewhat unexpected result of this is that the central positions seem to have a larger impact on the game than in the past (as opposed to the wings and also as opposed to the front/back). It hard to quntify exactly how much more, but I'd guess a 2:3 instead of 4:5 is a good estimate. I expect the involvement will vary a lot depending on the skill levels and distribution. I also expect a marginally greater effect of kick from the defense, but I haven't got a good measure for that. It still won't be a big factor. Mel ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- Pressing engagements force me to keep this brief... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- Things are very subdued down at New Unley. Players have been seen walking around with despondent looks upon their weary faces. Manager Barry hasn't been seen at the ground for months, all training decisions being given via fax to the coaching staff. Rumour has it that Manager Barry wants to move the team back to Newcastle, after having only been in Brisbane for six months. The players are upset at this as they now have a 30,000 seat stadium in which to play, compared to the cow paddock back in Newcastle. And they never even used to clear the cows out until about 5 minutes into the game. When club officials managed to contact Manager Barry recently all he would say was "what's the term for a relationship which only lasts as long as the lease?". This left the club scratching its collective head and checking to make sure that the lease at the New Unley stadium did, in fact, include an option to extend. Strange things are afoot at the club, but then, they always are. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Hmm, missed a chance to bid on some cheap rookies, i'll try and rectify it this time around.... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The management, coaching staff and supporters would like to welcome this year's new blood, Mini Ross, Freddy Miles, and to confirm that the Herons really are now a Japanese based team, Gaijin Da and Wakari Nikui. It is unlikely that the latter pair will be ready to play this year, as we must teach them the fundamentals of the game as well as bringing them up the extra step to be ready for such a high-class competition (yes, even the Bronze League =85 maybe). Training is in full swing, with an increasingly large crowd at each session. This is perhaps due to the free BBQs to our "supporters" more than their interest in the game, but we're getting to nibble at the bait.= =20 We only hope we can get off to a better start than last season, ere we le= t them off the hook. Gambaroh Himeji! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights organization secretly smuggled in a slew of new players, according to an exclusive story from the Buffalo Times-Call- Daily-Herald-Constitution-Chronicle. According to unnamed sources in the Buffalo coaching staff, the Knights, under the cover of darkness and a blizzard, brought in new players to be added to the roster. The players were added in secrecy to avoid public outcry and attention, hoping that none of the older players on the roster would find out about the changes until the team's season opening game. Knights General manager Bridget Fonda would not comment, refusing to concede or refute the story. When promted about players named John Leoni, John Kong Phooey and John B.I.G. suddenly appearing on the payroll, Ms. Fonda feigned a heart attack and was taken away in a dune buggy painted to resemble an ambulance. Before she 'lost all consciousness', she promised to investigate the allegations that her team was secretly adding players and cutting the aged ones out. Amos Nomer, the Knights' elder statesman would not speculate on his possible dismissal from the team, stating only that he was hungry for some creamed corn and that he missed Lawrence Welk. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Legal Beat: In response to a Buffalo Knights press release last week, the Manix Herald-Times-Call-Reporter-Chronicle is reportedly "going to sue [the] brains out" of the Buffalo franchise. The Buffalo Knights accused a Herald-Times-Call-Reporter- Chronicle journalist of saying "Maybe they forget there the facility is. After all, they aren't exactly the brightest team of wankers in the league," which is clearly incorrect grammar, and hence grounds for libel. "We at the Herald-Times-Call-Reporter-Chronicle pride ourselves on maniacally enforcing correct sentence structure, and the same can be said for all of the other Manix media sources. Our journalists would be beaten by hired goons if they were to utter the sentences in question. Clearly they don't have such high standards in Buffalo. That's why we must unleash our lawyers on them. "That's not to say that we don't agree with the latter part of the statement; we do. We would simply express it more coherently." Proceedings for compensatory damages due to libel will begin for the Buffalo Knights in the spring of 1998. For gavel to gavel coverage, tune into Manix CourtTV, hosted by hard-hitting prosecutor Roger Cossack, and tough-as-nails defense attorney Greta Von Susteren. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Antarctica. The constant summer sun shines, reflected and refracted by a zillion ice crystals. But in The Mythstics' Press Crypt all is dark. Except... for the flickering light of a sputtering candle which casts the ghosts of unholy shadows on the walls. No news yet from The Mythstics, then. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Newcastle: Pre season week 3. The Novas are pleased with the progress of their new recruits. "Fit in? Hell yes, these guys are great!" enthused coach Bob Fulton. "They may have been has beens at their old clubs, but let me tell you, they're stars at the Novas." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Making English International Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments. European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations. In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter. There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru. Kurtese uv Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS BACK ON-LINE OSLO: After an extended summer holiday (Uncle Steve was off 'til the end of Jan) plus a Norweigan media blackout (somehow munch dropped him from the kibitz list and he didn't notice 'til last week) the Vikings are back, ready to tackle the cream of SPARF in the prestigious Gold league. "The boys are really excited, it's their first taste of the big league and we expect them to deliver the goods" spoke Head Honcho, much-lauded legend and all-round good guy Uncle Steve. "All the old boys are back - with the exception of a handful of 7-year-old cripples who have been unceremoniously sacked. We have recruited 3 starry-eyed hopefuls to replace them, and christened them after players from the hallowed Glenelg Football Club: Grant Ruebenicht, Simon Hele, and Damien Salievic. Expect these lads to figure prominently in the years to come." CAR'N YOU VIKINGS - TOP O' GOLD THIS YEAR, MA! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Scott 'Mushroom Cloud' Emery graced the press with one of the tersest Yobbo Press conferences on record. "Dammit, they're all rebuilding years!" At which point he started chucking chalkboard erasers at the press corps until they went away. Afterward, over drinks, the press corps decided to lobby for another Press Liason. It is rumored that the pending action by the Livermore City Council regarding the installation of toll booths at Robertson Park, which is a city owned and operated park, by some of his coaches while he was vacationing in Bakersfield has done nothing for his vaunted temper. It is also rumored that he is consulting Rex 'Lamb-Baster' Cook, his erstwhile Press Liason and Mobile about vacationing plans for the coaches. There is a new crop of rookies in this year, but not the usual cutting of old guys. This is guarenteed to be a record injury year for the Yobbos, as they are running an older roster and the new rules restricting the use of pain-killers in the LRY: Beer-flavored Gatorade (yeah, right!) (tm). Support your local team, Go Rowdy Yobbos! W L T 0 0 0