Games will run Thursday evening this week. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- After reading all that stuff about placement for the playoffs and injuries, I have come to the conclusion of this: It sucks to have a weak team that somehow manages to stay in the top division, and the "new" injury table with the actual results witnesses SEEMS to be less vicious that the "old" injury table. Now, I know that some teams have been really torn up by the injury bug ON "PAPER", but how many players have really missed game time?? I have had like 9 injuries that add up to "12" in nastiness. However, I have had only 2 weeks of hospitalization. Under the old system, I would have had at least 5 weeks in the hospital and another 10 to 15 in recovery. I have had only 12 weeks of recovery. It makes it tough to field a team, but it sure beats losing key players for weeks at a time. To all those with heavy injuries, good luck in the post-season. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- At last, some easy meat in the form of CSUA. What the hell does CSUA stand for anyway?? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- The Press were allowed back into the CCG for training after a much improved effort from the boys at Christminster. "It's just wall to wall local derbys," said King Sunny, "this week we take on those Goons from Nar Nar! It's a game we should win - so naturally I'm worried. It's very dissappointing for Carn d'Blues to have to watch this game from hospital - he always likes playing against his old team!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Getting closer. We only lost by a few points, and we continued to get less people injured. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- GOLD The Mythstics 6/1 v Giant Redwoods 1/8 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/17 v Uluru Dingoes 14/1 Victorian Mandarins 1/18 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 15/1 Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/7 v Spring Creek Piranhas 11/2 New Sturt Blues 1/40 v CSUA 30/1 Greymoor Gladiators 1/10 v Black Company 8/1 Sherwood Bandits 13/8 v Indiana Fire 1/2 Buffalo Knights 4/6 v Viking Raiders 5/4 SILVER Manix Maulers 5/1 v Limboland Mists 1/7 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 18/1 v Seren City Supers 1/25 Air-Pacific Groundhogs 20/1 v Newcastle Novas 1/30 Christminster Clerics 8/11 v Nar Nar Goon EVENS California Sluggers 1/17 v Roxburgh Kittens 14/1 BRONZE Krazy Kenora Kangari --- v Connecticut Yankees 5000/1 Albion All-stars 30/1 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 1/40 Darwin Destroyers 9/2 v Wallamaloo Philosophers 2/11 Silicon Valley Angels 4/7 v Melbourne Bloods 6/4 Himeji Herons 1/12 v Melbourne Yerns 9/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- You'd have to be happy with that victory (unless you were a Blood)! From this week we're starting a 2 week training camp in China. No steroids comments please, although you must admit that just before our rematch with the Destroyers .... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- Well, with 3 wins we've managed to exceed our expectations. Everything from here on in is just gravy! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights' winning streak came to a close as last week's mobile injuries and this week's mobile injuries all added up to a very hard time containing a very ood Glad's team. "Luckily," a Knights' hot dog vendor 'Marv' noted, "The injuries haven't been too bad. Of course, we sell more dogs when we win." He then spilled mustard on the Assistant to the Vice-Associate of Operations's Committee Against Devilish Operations (AVOCADO) and was immediately sacked. He has since taken up selling beanie-babies at Manix home games, with, not surprisingly, little success. In other news from Buffalo, the wild festival of excitement that had surrounded the city during the winning streak came to an end. In downtown, several shops closed up and filed for bankruptcy within minutes of the game's final horn. Reports that rats were leaving the sewers to live in the suburb of Outer Buffalo haven't been confirmed. The Knights hope they can win next week, but have no idea whom they play. And Neve Campbell said that Manix was full of wussy ninnies. -Buffalo Mgmt ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- It was a rare night game on the Motor Vessel 'Mandarin Queen' off the coast of Chile as the Mandarins played host to the Mythstics en route to Livermore for next week's game. Squid jigging night was held before the game, ensuring a standing room only crowd. The first 10,000 fans got their own jigging gear. Excitement was rampant as fans crowded the upper decks, dangling their hooks over the edge of the huge floating stadium. Prize for most squid caught went to Peter Grentham of Mexico City. Strangest catch prize went to M. Nowicki, no fixed address, for the corpse of a talking horse. Or should that be a talking corpse of a horse? Apparently Mythter Ed was snared while scouting the stadium along the water line. As for the game, it was the Mandarins largest margin of the season, leading to the questions: Was the injured Um that important to Mythstics hopes? What happenned to Um's partner in crime, Er, who has not been seen since week 3? Who does Mme Venusia's hair, anyway? This week the Liverless Yobbos face Mandarin wrath over some contrived media incident. International interest in the match is sure to ensue! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Daily Sun: MANIX PRESS SECRETARY FINALLY SURFACES Despite rumours that Manix Maulers' press secretary Smilin' Pete Zinger was actually delivering a humanitarian aid package to a remote part of East Africa, Zinger was stopped by a border patrol in Mongolia yesterday. Smilin' Pete was detained for questioning regarding the large amount of pro-Manix Mauler literature found on his person. "Hey, I love my job so much that I thought I'd take it on the road. My orders were to develop a fan base in whatever country this is." Smilin' Pete was subsequently released, although it was later discovered that the pro-Manix Mauler literature was, in fact, a large shipment of weapons-grade plutonium. Congratulations to Buffalo for not mentioning Neve Campbell in their press last week. For once. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Sadly, Mythkey Mouse is far more successful as a Walt Dythney cartoon than as a SPARF player. Maybe he'll improve when Uranyths makes the starting lineup? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- I hate the smell of hospitals ... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- Wild celebrations broke out at the University of the Pacific as the Groundhogs won their second victory of the season. Coach Nemeth had scheduled a press conference earlier, but cancelled it on account of the blistering heat. He was seen later at the pool, where he de- clined to comment, and was then pulled under by unnamed members of Mu Phi Epsilon. This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode Areas. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The Circus Stars are left wondering as three more of their players leave the field on stretchers during last weeks game, bringing the season total to 17. It's absurd. And for once the injuries aren't even our fault. Dancing Elephant has been a perfect lady during the last few games, and most of our players have been reporting for the game sober. The only remaining explanation is a league-wide conspiracy, headed up by the least likely suspect - Petawawa's Loopy Creature. We're not sure how he's orchestrating the injury parade, but you can bet that he's the one behind it. The fact that we have absolutely no proof, essentially proves it. (Those of you familiar with Eucalyptian geometry can do the proof for yourself) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- We dun luked at da stan dins N we tinks dat weeze iz gunna fnish in sex plass. E van wit da Blues loozin, dey shud squek a hed uv us. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS WIN!! ASGARD: Ambrosia flows freely and the sounds of drunken Viking hordes permeate the air (but not quite loud enough to completely drown out the porcine death squeals) as the prestigious Viking Raiders F.C. celebrates it's rousing victory over the great glowing golden glazzies. "It was time to act", spoke Vikings head honcho Uncle Steve. "The great plan is just beginning to take effect. We were just tanking games to drive up the odds. Now that we're paying a damn sight better than evens, we're going to shift into high gear, belt every team for the rest of the season, carve up the opposition in the playoffs, and win the SPARF cup by a record margin. And that's just the beginning! From there we go to the $AFL, and then our plan for world domination will have started! BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!" "Time for you medication, Steve", claimed Nurse Ratchet as she gently tapped Uncle Steve on the shoulder. "I think today it would be prudent to double your dosage, don't you?" According to this reporter's schedule (which may be quite wrong), the Raiders line up against the Knights this week. Should be an interesting match up. The Raiders have a number of players emerging from Nurse Ratchet's medical wing, so expect some carnage... GO THE MIGHTY VIKINGS! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Connecticut Yankees ------------------------------------------------------- Another week, another loss. Thanks to everyone for their help. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- The agony of the death spiral! W L T 3 5 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos! RFC-822-headers: Received: from soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU ("port 2699"@soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU) by Mail.cder.fda.gov (PMDF V5.1-10 #28864) with ESMTP id <01IYW6UI5L1G9ODMWL@Mail.cder.fda.gov> for smithda@cder.fda.gov; Wed, 1 Jul 1998 17:09:15 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from mel@localhost) by soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU (8.8.8/) id OAA04363 for kibitz; Wed, 01 Jul 1998 14:07:31 -0700 (PDT mel)