------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- A faint flicker of light appears in the back of your mind. After a moment of reflection, you realize that it must be that damned Eye of the Black Company. It takes its time engulfing you... "Hot Damn! A win against a team WITH a winning record. Never thought I would see that happen. Its also the first time I've seen a striker hit 9 goals before as well. Hmmmm, well the first time one of MY strikers has done it at least... anyway, a win is a win. I hope Mine Host can keep it up against the Indiana Fire. Never played them before. I hope the injuries they had last game weaken them more than mine do. I must see if I can recruit that Godzilla dude for next season-- I would LOVE to see how that damned Dancing Elephant stands up to him.hehehe" The Eye reappears with a HUGE Butterfly net. Must be hunting some REALLY big critters.... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- A testing game versus Wallamaloo faces us. It's a must win if we want to play with the big boys in Silver next year. The boys have been training on raw steak all week and are ready to go out and shed bllod for the Bloods.... Lead em on, we say!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- King Sunny gave a very brief conference after the Supers managed to sneek home (damn straight kickin'). "We're startin' to look like the Demons of '97 with more games experience doin' re-hab than we've got on the field. This week will see Ma and Pa Kettle debut (we grabbed them from their table down the pub!" It's a sorry state of affairs when your non-cranking type of team is force to use warm bodies! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- GOLD Spring Creek Piranhas 6/1 v Giant Redwoods 1/7 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/4 v The Mythstics 13/4 Victorian Mandarins 1/30 v Uluru Dingoes 20/1 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 2/1 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 2/5 New Sturt Blues 4/7 v Buffalo Knights 6/4 Greymoor Gladiators 1/8 v CSUA 6/1 Black Company 6/4 v Indiana Fire 4/7 Sherwood Bandits 5/1 v Viking Raiders 1/6 SILVER Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 8/15 v Manix Maulers 13/8 Limboland Mists 2/11 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 9/2 Roxburgh Kittens 6/1 v Seren City Supers 1/8 California Sluggers 4/5 v Christminster Clerics 4/5 Newcastle Novas 8/13 v Nar Nar Goon 11/8 BRONZE Albion All-stars 500/1 v Krazy Kenora Kangari --- Connecticut Yankees 50/1 v Darwin Destroyers 1/70 Melbourne Yerns 13/1 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 1/15 Himeji Herons 4/6 v Silicon Valley Angels 5/4 Wallamaloo Philosophers 1/15 v Melbourne Bloods 13/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- A plague of injuries upon my house... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- A fourth win is an unexpected pleasure, as the rookies have really come out to contribute here in the season. There's a slim chance the team might make it to the .500 mark, if it can hold on to the winning spirit. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights suffered their third straight loss and the coaches, players and fans are all stumped as to how this could possibly happen. They all tried to give a reason... Head Coach Bridget Fonda "Their mobiles were just too good for us." John Cree "Reduced rotation of the earth affected ball flight." John Bastard "I was up late playing a gig with my band." John 3:16 "I was up late watching a gig with the Bastard's band." John Bachofen "I thought the game was tommorow night." John Biggerstaff "I had to wash my hair." John DWJK "We played poorly because it was too wet on the pitch." John Borchardt "The balls this year are too slick to field." John Bogetto "Their team name -Indiana Fire- just plain scared me." Justin Case "I missed the game - I was changing my name to John Case." John Leoni "I was too troubled by the results of that X-files movie." John Hotshot "I missed the ball cuz I was waving to Neve Campbell." John Kong Phooey "A rupture of the space-time continuum created a temporal causality loop at midfield resulting in a cascading exothermal inversion that evacuated all available oxygen, making it impossible to breathe, let alone defend that damn Smoking Frog." Connie Hammond "My cat's breath smells like cat food." John Smith "We lost becuase they had more marks and goals and such." David Paschich "I was choking on a Violet Crumble and missed the pass." John Heretic "I realized at half-time that I had forgotten to set the VCR to tape "Sabrina - The Teenage Witch" and I had to rush home and check it. Luckily I set it after all. Party of Five, too!" John Spleen "Hey man, I'm doing my part - I'm in the top ten in just about every category but the rest of the team just isn't as good as me. Of course, I played pretty lousy, too, when you get down to it." Iron Man "Too much iron." John Pamm "Nobody likes me and I never get to play anyway." John Brain "Uh..what? Wait, I got a note, signed 'Brain's Mother' ." John Not "I was playing injured and my tummy hurt." John Salma "I was busy combing my altogether-too-sexy hair." John Deadpool "Hey man, there was no insurance; no insurance - no play. What am I? One of the New Sturt Blues?" John Twotone "Oh, go piss off." There you have it - you decide the real reason for the Knights' woes. -Buffalo Mgmt ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- The Mandarins enjoyed a field day against Spring Creek, doubling their 116 points, and adding one more for good luck. The Mandarin front line was shut down, with FF Moi taking some early damage. Fat Choy lived up to his dirty reputation and disabled Piranhas ruckman Warne-Smith just after the game started. Lung Hung was left virtually unopposed and almost managed to win the game single-handed with 14 goals and two behinds. Unfortunately, Fat Choy finally paid the price for causing three mobile injuries in the last three weeks. The entire Piranha team took advantage of a lapse of official attention and piled on the foul Mandarin rover in a manner reminiscent of their namesakes. Taken off the field in a stretcher to a standing ovation of Mandarin faithful, Fat Choy's condition is listed as day-to-day. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix New Digest: At a hastily assembled press conference yesterday afternoon, the Manix Maulers' press secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, responded to questions surrounding the Maulers' dismal season. "Smilin' Pete, do you realize that this team has the same awful record right now that they had at the end of the 1996 season when the Maulers actually were a terrible team?" "Hey, yeah, you're right. The only guys we beat in 1996 were the Novas. They're not interested in throwing games for old times sake, though. We asked. Oh, hey, I almost forgot.. here's one of those press release thingies by some guy on the staff." It read: FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE We have decided that it would be best not to draw attention to the fact that Buffalo, as usual, mentioned Neve Campbell in their press last week, since this whole episode is starting to get out of hand, and the last thing that we want to do is encourage them to continue mentioning Neve Campbell. The End ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Venusia sprawled in a chair fanning her face distractedly with a sheaf of papers. "When is Ed going to fix the heating?" she grumbled. "And where are my tea leaves? Miss a couple of Press Seances and idiot press people start making wrong predictions. I cud hef teld em wee wuz gunna bit dem platey-pie gud." She tossed her papers aside and reached for the crystal ball. "Hmm, an auspicious sign for next season?" she mumbled hopefully, stroking the smooth curves of the ball and gazing into its smoky depths. "Maybe if we just toss a few more warm bodies on the altar....?" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The Circus Stars were non too pleased with their loss last week to the lowly-ranked Yobbos. Perhaps the team is getting complacent, after rattling off nine consecutive wins. Regardless, they had better shape up soon. In two weeks they face the Mandarins, followed by the Platapusses and the Redwoods. Expect the Circus Stars to come out with their confetti launchers a-blazin'! Woe to whomever gets to play them this week. It ain't gonna be pretty! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Beating the Port C was unexpected. The last kick before drowning, The brightness of the doomed bulb! I think that I could get a job as Venusia's ghostwriter. The twist of the knife! W L T 4 7 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!