------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- The Glowing Golden Eye reappears in your mind. It looks reeeeaaaalllyyy tired and seems not to noticew that you are there. Its butterfly net looks ripped.... "Hmm, not good. For the second week in a row, Mine Host lost a mobile. It just had to be against Mine enemy's best player, so when he went down, he crashed into Mine team's bench, crushed a spectator/sub type and was down for the count. Fortunately, he was revived by 700 pints of bitter and I sent him home to sleep it off. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since.... Next up: California Students University Association. THIS team I know. I stole the Myth's Madame's tea leaves and put a hex on them. They will now, hopefully, get lose on the way to the game and find themselves in Palo Alto just in time for the Big Game. *note: I believe this game is played in NOVEMBER.* This might help out CSUA's next couple of opponents as well....." The Eye reappears with a large bottle of something called Dry Blackthorn. While drinking from the bottle, he seems to be throwing darts at a picture of a orange and black groundhog that has wings. Very strange..... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- Oh well..... The Bloods are resigned to another year in Bronze, SIGH>>>> ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- One day we're gunna win a close one. Management has been forced by injuries to understand and use the substitution codes... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Continuing our record of putting more opposing players in the hospital than the CSUA, this time we got a loss. At least their injuries were uninsured. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- Can the Dingoes win another game this season? A collection of close games in Gold this week, with all margins predicted to be less than two goals. In contrast, most of the Bronze games are expected to be one-sided affairs with only one less than two goals and three over 20 points. GOLD Giant Redwoods 2/5 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 2/1 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 13/8 v Victorian Mandarins 1/2 Uluru Dingoes 15/8 v The Mythstics 4/9 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos EVENS v Spring Creek Piranhas 4/5 Viking Raiders 4/5 v New Sturt Blues 4/5 Indiana Fire 5/4 v Greymoor Gladiators 4/6 Black Company 4/11 v CSUA 9/4 Sherwood Bandits 9/4 v Buffalo Knights 4/11 SILVER Manix Maulers 6/4 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 4/7 Seren City Supers 4/5 v Limboland Mists EVENS Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 7/1 v Christminster Clerics 1/8 Nar Nar Goon 2/1 v California Sluggers 4/9 Newcastle Novas 1/7 v Roxburgh Kittens 11/2 BRONZE Krazy Kenora Kangari 2/9 v Darwin Destroyers 7/2 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 1/40 v Connecticut Yankees 30/1 Albion All-stars 9/1 v Silicon Valley Angels 1/11 Melbourne Bloods 7/4 v Himeji Herons 4/9 Wallamaloo Philosophers --- v Melbourne Yerns 200/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The Herons are picking up the tempo during the final weeks before the relegation series. Our two week intensive steroids, er, training session in China seems to have paid off well, with us narrowing the deficit with the Destroyers and then thumping the Angels, having previously defeated them by only a point. We expect to win the next two, against the Bloods and the Yerns. Our final position should all come down to the final round, though, when we take on the Sea Hawks for the first time. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- Let's see if I can make it six wins! .500, here we come! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights suffered their fourth straight loss and eliminated any doubt about their chances for the Sparf Cup. Instead, the coaches, players and fans are all pressing to finish well and avoid some tough re-league games Head Coach Bridget Fonda tried to be positive. "We can still pick up a couple of wins and maybe finish 6-9 or so. That would assure us, hopefully, of at least one or two easier games against Silver teams and re-claim a spot in Gold." John Cree wasn't as optimistic. "Reduced chances of winning the Cup, reduced chances of winning anything. Heck, we're screwed, it's over man, game over. We may as well phone it in and give up. This sucks." Luckily, John Bastard, John 3:16 and John Bachofen immediately showed up and beat the living daylights out of John Cree, changing his mind. He was later heard to say he was hoping for a good game next week. In lighter news, many Knights' players were seen golfing at the local City Park Eighteen for charity. In the tourney's special 'team' format, the players matched up with famous celebs. John Biggerstaff scored often with Drew Barrymore, John Salma hit well with Antonio Banderas, but the winners were John Brain and Alicia Silverstone. When asked how he was able to golf so well, John Brain only quipped "I'm simply a lab mouse trying to take over the world." Alicia then giggled. -Buffalo Mgmt ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- Who is going to be in seeds number 5 and 6 for the Sparf Cup? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Post-Dispatch-Courant-Bee: Manix Players Get Benched for First-Degree Murder Six players on the Manix Maulers Football Club were suspended after murdering Adam One, a Kuala Lumpur Technocrat player, and putting three other Technocrat players in the hospital. Manix, whose win/loss record is the worst in three years, has apparently foregone any hope of winning games and instead turned to violence to score points with fans. Hans Ravensburg, one of the blood-thirsty killers, seemed somewhat apologetic about the slaying. "Yeah, well, once Gary [Bettenhausen] went down, I said 'Right, that's it' and proceeded to garrote Al Three or Four or Five or whatever. We usually run that drill in practice every week. Too bad for his family. We'll set up a trust fund or something if the courts say we have too." "I'm really proud of the boys. Their execution was perfect on that play. so to speak", Manix Kicking/Violence Coach Michael Chain said, chuckling. Manix bookies were reportedly happy with the new development. The latest odds were 12:1 against that Buffalo's John DWJK would make it through the rest of the season without suffering a death-type experience. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Buried beneath a drift of snow, the Press Crypt was remarkably warm. Ed whinnied, er, whistled happily to himself as he mopped the stone floors. "The press may have dried up but I ain't about to let the Crypt get all dirty and neglected looking," he avowed, with a nod and a wink. A bemused look crossed his face as he looked around, saw there was no one there, scratched his head, shrugged, slapped his head, grabbed the mop and got back to work. "Talking to yerself, Ed," he muttered. "That's dang near as loopy as...as...as anything." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- A very tight contest. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- Charged with their upset victory over the Slugs, the Hogs drop one this week, moving the remote hope of a winning season into a flat impossibility. Coach Nemeth had no comment save something about no mercy in the Music History Midterms for Summer Session. Even now, music students are preparing for the worst. This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode Areas. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The next few weeks should provide a Sparf Cup preview, as the top seeds from the past two seasons (Mandarins, Platapusses, Redwoods, Circus Stars) all go head-to-head. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Weed lik 2 sa gud bi 2 Mr. Pete Moss. He dun gon an gived his liff 2 da gam. Dats da mostest in jury dat we dun ever dun got een a gam, an weez iz nut shur ef weez wil dooz eet agan. 3 peep hols en da hoss pittle. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the California Sluggers ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS READY FOR BLOOZE ASGARD: Prestigious SPARF club Viking Raiders goes into this week's clash against the New Sturt Blues confident of a rousing victory. "We've beaten them in both of our previous encounters", spake head honcho Uncle Steve. "The Blooze have never won the Hungry Jacks memorial cup and we aim to keep it that way. In fact Thor is busy fuse-welding the cup into the trophy cabinet as we speak." Former Blues player and now Viking Wade Downstream was enthusiastic about lining up against his former club. He was even more enthusiastic about the feast which would follow the certain victory celebrations. "You have bacon burgers, right? Lots of bacon burgers if we win?", he hopefully asked team management. "Oh God - not again", was Nurse Ratchet's only comment, as she gathered up stomach pumps, latex gloves, antacids and laxatives in preparation for the victory feast. On that note, we sign off. Full report of the massacre next week. GO YOU VIKINGS... HERE WE GO - THREE IN A ROW!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Yerns ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- The flower of our knighthood shorn, the blood cascading in rivulets! The twist of the knife! W L T 4 7 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!