------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- I HATE the Himeji Herons!!!!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- NEW UNLEY: Blues Celebrate Victory and an Anniversary The Diet Coke poured non-stop during the night as the Blues wrested the Hungry Jacks Cup away from the Vikings. Captain Paul Bagshaw had this to say "It's taken three attempts to beat the Vikings, but the Cup is home in New Unley now. It was a great win and we'll be trying to keep the momentum up as we head into the finals." Rover John Paynter was a little more subdued "Winning the Cup is great, but I'd like to know what those Vikings have been keeping in that cup; it's all pitted and discoloured on the inside, which is pretty amazing as the damn thing is made of titanium. We're guessing it's where they used to hide their anabolic mayonnaise." On another note, Manager Barry this week celebrates five years at the helm of the Blues, making the win against the Vikings doubly sweet. Asked how he has managed to keep on submitting training orders, he commented "Generally, I'd have to put it down to neglecting my studies and my work. How else?" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- "It's no wonder a couple of boys strained their hammies, when they spent a whole week jogging round the oval waiting for the siren to blow to start the games!" Said an angry King Sunny after a hard fought win. "It'll be great to have Wah Wah Watson back for the big game against the goon - and Carn d'Blues is itching to get a crack at his old team! We'll miss Neil Balme's aggresion, and Dean Jones' lip on the field though." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- In a reversal of normal procedure, the CSUA wins a game but gets more injuries than the other team. Maybe we can win a game this week and not get more injuries, but both the Bandits and the Knights didn't injure each other. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- A nice collection of close games expected this week especially in Gold and Bronze. Most of these could go either way. GOLD Giant Redwoods 13/8 v Victorian Mandarins 1/2 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/2 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 7/4 Uluru Dingoes 5/4 v Spring Creek Piranhas 4/6 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 4/5 v The Mythstics EVENS Indiana Fire EVENS v New Sturt Blues 4/5 Greymoor Gladiators 4/5 v Viking Raiders EVENS Black Company 11/8 v Buffalo Knights 4/7 CSUA 4/5 v Sherwood Bandits EVENS SILVER Seren City Supers 1/5 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 4/1 Limboland Mists 1/5 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 4/1 Newcastle Novas 1/25 v Manix Maulers 20/1 Nar Nar Goon 2/1 v Christminster Clerics 2/5 Roxburgh Kittens 7/1 v California Sluggers 1/9 BRONZE Warrnambool Sea Hawks 11/8 v Darwin Destroyers 8/13 Connecticut Yankees 4/5 v Albion All-stars 4/5 Wallamaloo Philosophers EVENS v Krazy Kenora Kangari 8/11 Melbourne Bloods EVENS v Silicon Valley Angels 4/5 Melbourne Yerns 13/1 v Himeji Herons 1/16 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Confident of our second win in Melbourne occuring this week, the Herons players sauntered down to the 'G' to watch the Dons come home against Carlton. (Go DONS!) Our record this year has been 3 wins at home and 5 away, but given that we played two games in China, that makes it 2 and 6. We're very happy that our last two games of the season are away, we're looking to a 10-5 record and still hoping for the number 3 spot. Unlikely, perhaps, but we're hoping that next week's rivals, the Sea Hawks, can come through with a tight victory over the Destroyers this week. Hopefully it will be a high scoring affair, so both teams perentages will take a tumble. However, to be fair, we think that in the victory, the Sea Hawks' mobiles should get injured, so that we can roll them the following week. We don't want to see them hopitalised, just ... on the recovery list for ... one week. Then the Herons can take third spot when we flog the depleted Sea Hawks in the final round. (We may have to give the Bloods some of our steroids supply to keep the Destroyers percentage down, though.) Got that? The cheques are in the mail.... Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Joy exploded in Buffalo as the Knights broke their four-game skid with a triumph over the Bandits. Team Optimist and Head Coach Bridget Fonda put a positive spin on the results. "At the very least we have assured ourselves of not finishing with a wooden spoon in our mouths. And with two winnable games left to play, we can still finish 7-8 and avoid that demon known as Re-leagation." Team Pessimist John Cree was very negative, despite the beating he had reveiced the previous week as well as the win. "We only came out on top because that bastard John Bastard has a career day. We're lucky to even get onto the pitch without falling over ourselves." Once again, John Bastard, John 3:16 and John Bachofen arrived on the scene and gave John Cree a hearty thumping. He's listed this week as day-to-day, but, then again, aren't we all? Reports that some Buffalo Knights' players were involved in the murder of a Technocrat last week are erroneous. Or erogenous. We're not sure; it's one of those long 'e' words. Due to death threats received against John DWJK, Buffalo's management group, Virtucon, arranged to have him safely tucked away in a hotel under the false name John Smith. Unfortunately for Knights FB John Smith, an attempt was made on his life by mistake. Despite the piano that fell on him, the bomb in his pillow, the electric shock from the toaster tossed into his bathtub, the venomous spiders in his slippers, the spring-loaded dagger launcher in the dumb waiter, bullets from across the street, rat poison in his Hungry Jack and that unruly woman in the elevator with the infected lip who insisted on kissing him (with tongue), John Smith is still listed as day-to-day for this week's tilt. But, then again, aren't we all? -Buffalo Management The Buffalo Knights management group, Virtucon, is proud to point out that we went an entire press without mentioning Neve Campbell...dammit! Does that count? I mean, does mentioning that we didn't mention her count as mentioning her? I don't think it should, no, not at all. Oh, bother. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- Mandarins lose a close one. This week: the inscrutable Redwoods. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the Samoan News, the Pago Pago national newspaper: All contact was lost with the nearby Republic of Manix late yesterday. Flights in and out of Manix have been rerouted as Manix airports have apparently turned off their radars. Satellite communications have been cut. The only contact with Manix officials came approximately one minute prior to the communications blackout. The message read: HELP URGENT WARM BODIES HAVE USURPED GOVT SEIZED POWER VERY BAD HELP BUFFALO PLAYER JOHN SPLEEN SUCKS --End Transmission-- We will continue to follow this story as more details become available. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- A billow of smoke, a clang of gong, a collective yawn...Venusia and the Press Seance were back. But she seemed reticent, equivocal and downright tightlipped. "Aw, come on, mate - whaddaya reckon ya chances are?" asked one reporter, eventually. "Chance?" Venusia gave him an icy stare. She patted her crystal ball. "Chance doesn't come into it!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- Coming off the loss previously, the Hogs were energized and ready to duke it out in the Battle for Last in Silver. Happily, it was a spot that Manix has apparently won. Rejoicing was heard in the halls of the University as Dr. Nemeth announced that he was going to allow gum in class again. This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- This week is the match of the season, as the Circus Stars go up against their arch-rivals, the Petawawa Purple Platappusses. The Circus Stars have taken the last 3 games and the Platappusses have failed to put up anything substantial as the wager for this week's game. The Circus Stars are the odds-on favorite, but odds-on favorites have lost 3 of the last 4 Circus Star-Platapuss games. So go figure. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Dis haz bin a ver E fun E C-zon. We dun gut beet bi teems we shudda beet, an we dun juss beet a teem dat dun shudda beet us. Dis iz spozed 2 B da BEEG PPP Circus Star rye val re mash up, but weez al red E gut 2 worm buddies een r lin up in sted uv sum prey T gud pla ears. Me tinks weez iz gunna looze bi terdy ponts. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- CATASTROPHE! ASGARD: Flood. Famine. Fire. Earthquake. Storms. Pestilence. Death. None of these phenomena produces a sombre mood at the Vikings headquarters quite like a loss to the Blues does. "I don't believe it", spoke head honcho Uncle Steve. "The teams weren't that badly matched. Perhaps the Blues squad was a little more well-rounded, but it should have been close. 10 scoring shots difference is unacceptable." No injuries to report, although former Blue Wade Downstream has been admitted to the Vikings' medical ward with severe depression. "He's experiencing some sadness at being beaten by his former team", claimed Nurse Ratchet, "but mostly I think he's upset that there was no victory feast. We've put him on a diet of cheeseburgers and we expect him to be right by this week". No idea who the Vikings play next. Team management is too upset to look at the fixture... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Yerns ------------------------------------------------------- Gotta stay out of last...gotta stay out of last...