------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Despite some major coaching blunders - like thinking the essay that is sub codes did something - and despite having a rookie playing ruck (and didn't he learn alot!), we still snuck in for a win against the goons. This week is a must win game! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Wow, the higher accuracy of the CSUA allows it to defeat their opponents, but we got yet another player injured. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Darwin Destroyers ------------------------------------------------------- Breaking a long tradition of not having press conferences, the Destroyers actually held a press conference. First, a formal statement was read on advice of the legal department; "The management of the Darwin Destroyers would like to point out that it is the Hemeji Herons who have declared a jihad against us. Anything that happens to them is the result of their own actions." Onballer Chester Williams had a different view on the proceedings, but then he was also hurt in the game against the Herons. "Well, it's one thing to get hurt playing the game. It's another altogether to get knocked out by a beer can thrown from some bloke watching the game." "eh!" "How do I know it was the Heron's fault? Well two of their players were holding my arms and it was a can of Sapporo beer!" Coach Edwards also had a dim view of the proceedings. "Those **** carrion eaters are a menace to the league. They publically admit using illegal drugs, and distributing those same drugs to other teams! It's so typical of them. They can't win a game honest, so they resort to drugs, payoffs, and thuggery! And another thing ...." The press conference ended, as several men in suits carried the coach out of the room. Coach Edward's comments couldn't be heard as the sound system started playing Waltzing Matilda at full volume. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- GOLD Giant Redwoods 11/8 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 8/13 Victorian Mandarins 2/9 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 7/2 Uluru Dingoes EVENS v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 8/11 Spring Creek Piranhas 4/5 v The Mythstics 4/5 Greymoor Gladiators 7/4 v New Sturt Blues 1/2 Viking Raiders 4/5 v Indiana Fire EVENS Sherwood Bandits 13/8 v Black Company 8/15 Buffalo Knights 4/11 v CSUA 9/4 SILVER Manix Maulers 20/1 v Christminster Clerics 1/30 Seren City Supers 2/1 v California Sluggers 4/9 Air-Pacific Groundhogs 11/4 v Nar Nar Goon 4/13 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 9/2 v Newcastle Novas 2/11 Limboland Mists 1/4 v Roxburgh Kittens 7/2 BRONZE Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/25 v Silicon Valley Angels 20/1 Warrnambool Sea Hawks EVENS v Himeji Herons 8/11 Darwin Destroyers 1/5 v Melbourne Bloods 4/1 Albion All-stars 500/1 v Wallamaloo Philosophers --- Connecticut Yankees 5/4 v Melbourne Yerns 4/6 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Nar Nar Goon ------------------------------------------------------- Well, it's the first week with the caretaker coach and there are already rumours that he will be forced out in a bloodless coup before Peter returns. Perhaps the players and committee members are simply using this opportunity to do what they have wanted to do for a long time? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights won again, pulling to 6-8. While they may be mathematically alive in the Cup race, it'd probably require some bizarre combination of 7 teams losing and all losing by 435 points to makes the ratios fit. Still, 6-8 ain't bad for a team seeded 15th. Head Coach Bridget Fonda was ever polite. "We really worked hard this week and I think the narrow victory can be directly connected to a week of tough practices." Iron Man had a different spin on the results. "The win can be directly attributed to our new coaching staff of Courteney Cox, Neve Campbell, Drew Barrymore, Sharon Stone, Demi Moore and Salma Hayek. Heck, I'd run up and down the pitch about 50 times straight to see them." John Biggerstaff agreed, "Yepper, you see some beautiful woman at the end of the field and you'd knock your own mother out cold just getting there." When asked if he'd really hit his own mother just to be near Drew Barrymore, John Bastard replied, "Well, I'd keep my elbows down." When asked what happened to the old coaching staff, John Bachofen replied "Who?" -Buffalo Management ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Times-Star-Bugle-Venture: Invasion Of Warm Bodies Met With Only Passing Interest Manix was invaded last week for the first time since 1994. In this case, the aggressors were middle-aged men who fall over a lot and can't lift heavy objects. The so-called "Warm Bodies" craftily bribed traitorous Manix dissidents to cut communications briefly for their clandestine invasion. However, it soon became apparent that the Warm Bodies were neither smart enough nor agile enough to pull off a coup de etat in Manix in general and they eventually settled for a coup de Manix Maulers Football Club and a coup de Manix Licensed Aromatherapists. Bad things reportedly happened to the Manix dissidents but, as usual, there were no witnesses. In other news, Buffalo did mention Neve Campbell in their press last week, and yes, it does count when one mentions not mentioning Neve Campbell. Duh. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- "Injuries, injuries everywhere..." muttered Venusia, as she surveyed the hastily erected temporary hospital ward in The Mythstics' Press Crypt. "But at least that warm body can finally go to the altar. And we beat the Yobbos, ha!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- Music history papers are awash in red ink, as Ait-Pacific drops a one coming into the final game of the season. Coach Nemeth had a few comments: This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- No sooner than having dispatched the injury-ridden Loopy Creatures from down-under, the Circus Stars find themselves facing last years Cup Winners, the Giant Redwoods. "We have no idea what the rammifications are for this game, except that we will probably be facing them again in the playoffs. Also, we have no idea what the word 'rammifications' means as it has far too many syllables", said Slack Rope. You'd think Slack would have time to look up this things, as he has spent five weeks on injured reserve this year. Indeed, everyone seems to be beating up the Circus Stars this year. Perhaps they're taking a page from the Circus Stars' old playbook - if you can't beat them, then beat them up. Missing from this weeks potentially-crucial-but-probably-not matchup with the Redwoods are star Full Forward 'Ply Wood' and reserve forward 'Owen Morse'. This means rookie Pick Pocket will be making yet another start this year. He's our vote for Gold league 'Rookie-of-the-year', and has the skill and stats to back it up. In addition to his impressive totals of Goals, Marks, and behinds, he also leads the leagues in stolen wallets. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- We dun gut kruched gud. We hops dat dis duz nut meen dat da Blues R gunna pas us wit der purr scent age. Weez is pro babble Lee gunna hav 2 pla dem in da furst rund of D SPARF cup ani wa. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Who counts anymore! The twist of the knife! W L T X X X Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!