------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- **Dateline: Khatovar** This is Robin Leach coming to you from that town that NONE of the Rich and Famous EVER come to. Contrary to what ever you might have heard from the Buffalo Press or the People's Republic of Manix, Neve Campbell is no where near New York. In fact, Her Neveness has apparently decided to crash the Black Company's Old Codger Retirement Party. This is something that you would not want to attend. "At the party there are all sorts of people here, I think... in fact, I'm not sure that everything here is human..OR alive. But, the bar is overflowing with what looks like the complete inventory of several Japanese and German brewerys...the beer is a really big hit, and at a quarter for two pints, a HUGE money-maker. Over on my left, looks like a few of the old codgers that may very well be on the way out." "Slippery Jones, is it true that you might make a rare start before the end of the season?" " Well, I dinna know, but the beer is really good and if the Black B*tch keeps the booze flowing like this, I'll go out with a smile." He then grabs a large pint and downs it, glass and all. "A bit of excitement occured when Ray "Mr. PPP" Deaytor got up and tried to sing a duet of "I Got You Babe" with Ms. Campbell, but it never happened when former Circus Star, Chuck Marquette, grabbed a bowling pin left over from his stay in Port Credit, and clubbed Ray several times to stop the noise. Neve was relieved." "Later on, Air-Pacific Head Coach Nementh snuck in and asked Neve if she wanted to see his G-String. He was interupted by newcomer center Moose Slackjaw. Her Neveness did get a chance to view Coach Nementh's G-string when Moose gave him an Atomic Wedgie and threw him out the back window. It looked like a violin string." "Neve left a few minutes later with that pain-in-the-ass Glowing Golden Eye. Apparently, it is a real ladies' Eye." " Really hope I never have to come back here again. This is Robin Leach signing off from Khatover with the thought, "GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- NEW UNLEY: Blues Prepare for First Finals Campaign I have to admit, I didn't expect to make the finals this year, but looking at our roster, I guess the process of continual improvement is nearing a plateau, and we are fielding about the best side we could hope. Looking back at our 1995 stats, our average player skill is 40 points higher than the first week of relegation 4 seasons ago. I still think we need another 20 points per player to be contenders. This week we are destined to lose. More skilled opponents, and the Blues playing with 2 warmbodies on the bench. Next week I guess I'll be trying to keep my seeding high for next year, which will be the Blues run for glort, and may be my last season in SPARF. This season aint over yet though. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- I've never seen the word pathetic as often as I saw it in last week's match report - they (the maulers) did pretty well - considering. There were plenty of barely warm deadun's out there. Sadly couldn't improve on 3rd position.... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Darwin Destroyers ------------------------------------------------------- First, a prepared statement was read; "The management of the Darwin Destroyers would like to apologize to the Bloods. We are sorry that they got forced into the Heron's campaign against the Destroyers. All indications are that the injuries to Psylocke and Phoenix were caused by overdoses of performance enhancing drugs, but that they had been given those drugs without their knowledge. " Unofficially, the team would like formal action to be taken against the out of control Herons. In addition, the city of Darwin has apologized to the Japanese gentleman who was accosted outside the stadium carrying a six pack of Kirin. After last week's incident it understandable that our fans would be apprehensive. The city and team hope his stay in the Memorial hospital is pleasent and short. Forward Hennie LeRoux was still distraught over the implosion of 2 opponents. "Like, you could just watch them collapse and writhe in agony. I've been playing for several years and have never seen anything like it. I don't want to see it again. Something should be done..." Coach Edwards as usual didn't mince words. "Those despc..., dicsp..., despiicb..., d*** bug suckers have done it again. Trying to sabotage our game, ... and what they did to those boys from Melbourne. I think the someone should..." The press conference ended abruptly as Coach Edwards was again dragged from the room. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- Only odds for within-division matches, including the "cup race", this week. The Mandarins are huge favourites to be premiers this year. CUP Victorian Mandarins 8/13 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 11/8 Giant Redwoods 1/3 v The Mythstics 5/2 Petawawa Purple Platypi 4/5 v New Sturt Blues EVENS RELEGATION Viking Raiders 4/7 v Indiana Fire 6/4 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 8/15 v Silicon Valley Angels 13/8 Melbourne Bloods 1/8 v Connecticut Yankees 7/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Warrnambool Sea Hawks ------------------------------------------------------- (In the Hawk's private car yard a running Hawk's CEO is intercepted by an enthusiastic reporter) Mr. President (huff puff) have you got anything (huff puff) to say to your critics? Ahhhhhh is it over??? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Without wanting to blow my own horn too much, I believe a brief "Yahoo!" is in order. Team W L T PtF PtA PCT Krazy Kenora Kangari 15 0 0 3187 1037 307.33 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- We finish the season with a 6-9 record, and with a =lot= more points against than I'd planned. Clearly, I need to work on the defense. Then again, using 4 Age 0 rookies as my back line may have had something to do with it... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- "Don't know who we're gonna play in re-league games, but we'll be ready," said John Bastard, right before a knee injury sidelined him for a week. "I think we're in a really good place right now. I'm warm and happy." said John Twotone. His medication was then reduced. Drastically. John Salma was optimistic: "I sure hope Stella gets her groove back." Also appearing on the might-miss-the-next-game list is John Heretic, who has overworked his thumbs on the Nintendo machine in the Stanley Hotel. "I can catch the ball, but I can't pick up the phone." The Knights wish everyone well in the post-season and that the injury bug doesn't attack anyone - except our foes. But not bad, just a bit. -Buffalo Management ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Minimalist, Special Manix Maulers Issue: Bleakness ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Slowly, Venusia turned over the card. "The six of cups." She sighed. It was fate, and who but the...Owners can argue with fate? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Playoff Time!! The Circus Stars have been hot the last few weeks, dispatching the top teams in rapid succession. The fact that the Redwoods decided to tank the game went pretty much unnoticed by the Circus Stars who were busy running up the score. However, certain Circus Stars have managed to get themselves injured at an alarmingly regular interval. Slack Rope and Ply Wood in particular have spent more time in the infirmary than on the pitch. Could be the nurse we just hired. Miss November I think she said her name was... We close with this: If you check the schedule and find your next game is against the Circus Stars, be afraid. Be very, very afraid. This ain't the clown team of two and three years ago. These boys are here to play! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Weez iz nut gunna lik da SPARF kup. We losted fiv gams dis yeer anne D 5 teems dat beet us R da 5 udder teems dat R N da SPARF kup. We tink dat we kan beet da Blues, but dey dun beet us B 4, so dey dun kan beet us a gan. We dun gut 2 een gerry's so et shud b a gud gam. KKK 4 goalled necksed C-zon. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Who counts anymore! The twist of the knife! W L T X X X Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!