------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- "Tell the Director I'm sorry, but I can't seem to find any reference to 'intact' in the mercenaries' contract." -- Hostile Takeover, Netrunner R.Alphey@forestry.unimelb.edu.au Ph +61-3-9344-8884 Gomez/Menace Fax +61-3-9349-4172 http://snowgum.agfor.unimelb.edu.au/ ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- The Fight rages on. It looks like the Golden Eye's inital attack really took the Brownies by surprise and removed many of them out of the fight. The Brownies looked like for a moment that they were recovering, but then a REALLY large mob surrounded them and the milk was splashing everywhere. The Eye pauses for a moment and engulf's you... "Well, that sucks. I don't like the 50+ loss, but clubbing Lathcar over the head with a frozen reporter was uncalled for. The Tea Leaf Growers and Crystal Ball Readers Association *SHALL* hear about this. *humf* Well, anyway, next up: The Giant Redwoods. Mine host gets to play the defending champs for its first home game of the season. I believe the Free Gift for the first 75000 fans is a large box (1000 count!) of redwood toothpicks and a 22" Mekita gas powered Chainsaw (gasoline not included). I hope that this will intimidate the 'woods into refusing to play, which is about the only way Mine Host has a chance to beat them. I mean, my boys haven't been closer than 18 points when they started their cheerleaders. I hope the 'Woods try that again. GR - 197 BC - 117" It looks like the Eye has regained its stuff and the Brownies have been eaten. Will the Eye manage to keep the chains for another week?? We *SHALL* see...... end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- Top of the ladder after 2 rounds..... YAY!!!! In round 2 we took on the Albion All-Stars..... Bloods 4-5 10-10 13-15 19-18(132) All-Stars 2-5 3-5 5-10 6-11(47) Best for the Bloods were: Canzler, Price, B.Reeves, Jarman, D.Reeves, Thorfin, Zizzo. Goal Kickers were: Canzler 5, B.Reeves 4, Barkley, vanWeezep, Price, Dove 2, Thorfin, Webster. Bring on the Connecticut Yankees....... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- New Unley: Coaching Staff Try to Puzzle it out as Blues Go 2 from 2. We were meant to lose the first 5 games of the year. That's the way it goes. I don't know what's happened, but we promise to turn it around this week! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- The Ales flowed freely after our first win for '98. Local hero Vic Bitter is expected to be able to play despite pulling up a bit sore - and no one much cares whether Carn d'Blues passes his fitness test on wednesday night (he just hasnt fitted in at Christminster - his name being no small part of the problem!). ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- Ouch. Brutalized by the Christminster Clerics. For more details, see my SPARF page at: http://www.horizon.bc.ca/~ogier/sparf/index.html ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- A glum Knights squad pulled itself up off of the bloody pitch and limped feebly into the locker room. Victims of a none-too-surprising pasting at the hands of the Circus Stars, the team was reticent. "We were creamed, plain and simple" coach Bridget Fonda nodded. "They just went out and scored left and right." While the Knights did score 11 goals, the 20-goal margin of defeat was traumatizing. Rumor has it that John Biggerstaff left the pitch not from a strained calf (as was originally reported) but rather for simply mumbling Hip Czech's name to himself over and over (and over and over) again. John Deadpool, the only thing the Knights had even remotely close to a star of the game, spent the evening at the visiting Manix Brothers Flying Circus - - pelting the clowns with rotten eggs. On a more positive note, Neve Campbell ditched her date, Smilin Pete Zinger of the Manix Maulers management, and visited the ailing John Not in the hospital. Motivated by her affectionate support, Not vowed to be back on the pitch by week 4 at the latest. Reps for the Knights' ownership group, Virtucon, denied rumors the team had been traded to a Winnipeg, Manitoba, librarian for some fish sticks, Rusted Root concert tickets and 3 seats at the Ice Capades. -Buffalo Mgmt ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Financial Times: The Manix Industrial Index continued its dramatic rally this week, posting a sharp half-point rise in heavy trading. Rumors about the hostile takeover of Virtucon, the corporation who owns controlling interest in the wretched Buffalo Knights sports team, spurred Manix investors into a buying frenzy. "Index issues were firmer due to buy-backs. Based on Piskevinaugh's hybrid MACD-Stochastic levels, I think it's extremely likely that we'll see a retest of recent prices. In recent years, significant profits have been made by trading into the beginning of a big swing move, and a big move materializing in the immediate future could have similar implications," said some guy in a brown suit. Wild speculation is understandable in light of recent events. "The fate of the brutish Buffalo team is a tenuous one. This ingenious ploy of ours may be the proverbial last nail in the Knights' coffin. Oh, and Laura Schwendinger is a terrific player," said an unusually candid spokesperson for the Manix Maulers' Bureau of Forthright Honesty and Generally Accurate Statements. The Buffalo Knights could not be reached for immediate comment, but they usually don't have anything coherent to say anyway (see, for example, the Buffalo press release above). ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- A smiling Venusia gleamed dully in the gloomy Press Crypt spouting something about The Mythstics goals for the season. "...change...transition...a season of preparation," she was saying. "Yes, we poked a spanner in the works of that Golden Eye but the golden dream is still some way off. Our victories this season must be metaphysical in order to sustain us for the trials ahead." Clearly Venusia subscribes to WMNX too. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Where are we playing? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Dancing Elephant Still Sidelined ================================= Dancing Elephant will be out for at least 2 weeks following her accidental ball ingestion during last week's game. An ear, trunk and throat doctor is being flown in from Africa to attempt the difficult ballendectomy. The procedure is reported to take several hours, and is very painful, especially to an elephant. Apparently, Dancing Elephant was attempting to pass the footy when she became winded and decided to take an extra-large breath. The game was stopped for nearly 20 minutes as the officials had no extra ball. Then the game was halted for another 20 minutes as they attempted to remove Dancing Elephant from the playing field. Eventually they just played around her. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Dem der Bluze luks lik dey cood B tuff. Wee dud nut tink weez wuz so bad. May B we due bedder dis week. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- Wot, me worry? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Connecticut Yankees ------------------------------------------------------- After another horrible game, the Yankees are without their start ROV Tommy Heinrich, who will miss the next two games with an injury. A series of injuries hurt the Yankees as they were crushed by the Sea Hawks. The Connecticut boys are looking to recover against the Melbourne Bloods, who are currently at the top of the ladder in Bronze, while the Yankees remain at the #9 seed where they began the season. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Yerns ------------------------------------------------------- What does it take to win?! The Yerns are now: W L T 0 2 0 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Hmm, disappointing. Good to get the wake-up call over with. Hard to fault the Yobbs though with two mobiles off the field. I clearly need to rexamine my substitution strategy... I didn't really believe that such a disaster might happen. Fortunately it was just a couple of skinned knees, nothing serious. Bactine works wonders. The Fire are strong opponents. They look to repeat next year, too. The Yobbos are going to have to work hard to get their traditional top 6 in releagation this year. Maybe give the LRY:Perpetual Flux Plan a shake, too. Defeated once so far! Really spanked the percentage! W L T 1 1 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!