------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- There has been a Media Black-out in your area. We are sorry for the inconvience. Next time, go to the statium to support your local team. Thank you. end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- Thumped by KKK...... I knew the bubble had to bust sooner or later!!! Welcome to new blood Wade Ingpond, who fills a hole made by the bane of us all... INJURIES!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Top of the table! Better make the most of it - no Vic Bitter for a few weeks! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- This week's oddities: Greymoor is favoured over the Myths, despite having won fewer games; Newcastle is favoured over Christminster, despite having won fewer games. GOLD Giant Redwoods 2/7 v Indiana Fire 3/1 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/8 v Viking Raiders 6/1 Victorian Mandarins --- v Black Company 200/1 Sherwood Bandits 10/1 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/12 Uluru Dingoes 2/9 v Buffalo Knights 7/2 CSUA 11/2 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 1/7 Spring Creek Piranhas 7/1 v New Sturt Blues 1/8 The Mythstics 5/2 v Greymoor Gladiators 1/3 SILVER Limboland Mists 1/17 v Manix Maulers 14/1 Seren City Supers 1/19 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 16/1 California Sluggers --- v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 200/1 Newcastle Novas 4/9 v Christminster Clerics 15/8 Roxburgh Kittens 9/2 v Nar Nar Goon 2/11 BRONZE Connecticut Yankees 10000/1 v Krazy Kenora Kangari --- Warrnambool Sea Hawks 1/25 v Albion All-stars 20/1 Himeji Herons 5/4 v Darwin Destroyers 8/13 Wallamaloo Philosophers 1/17 v Silicon Valley Angels 14/1 Melbourne Yerns 30/1 v Melbourne Bloods 1/40 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Busy, busy, busy! What with "rookie" Wakano Hana's promotion to the highest ranking in Sumo (joining younger brother Taka), we've been off our feet trying to keep things moving. Our two new recruits from the world of sumo have now both made their field debuts, without blemish. Okay, without much success, but no blemishes. Originally we thought to make them ruckmen - who's going to withstand a ruck duel with a 140 kg guy - but standing at only a about 5'6", we've decided that perhaps there are better roles for them. For example, ankle weights for Dancing Elephant (should we ever get out of the Bronze League), or perhaps a pair of forward pockets. You'll just have to wait and see. At the third-way mark of the regular season, we're mildly happy with our performance so far. Admittedly we've lost both games to the only REAL competition we've faced (we're trying to remain philosophical about it), but at least we've worked out what our weakness is (aside from a general lack of talent)! We predict a minimum of a top 5 finish (not hard given the would-be teams-below-us are all intent on running Kamikaze missions), but have our eyes on the number 3 spot. Whether we get it or not will depend on whether we can get past the Destroyers this week. Not quite the battle of mid-way through the season, but close enough. (Let's at least do better than my school's basketball team last weekend - a 126 v 22 defeat. Ouch! Gambaroh Himeji! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- In deference to our hospitalized opponents, the Kangari have magnanimously chosen to rotate our usual mobiles into the midfield this week, and maybe make a game out of our encounter with the Yanks. Anybody notice what a clean game Black Company is playing? Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- A miracle occurs, as the Kittens get their first win and with an all rookie center field. Coach Murphy attributes the win to his strenous workouts and long hours of practice kicking the ball. Manager Langlois attributes it solely to a statistical glich, and urges fans not to get their hopes up. "We're in a rebuilding season," the obviously stressed Langlois said at a press conference after the game, "And there is no reason to expect this kind of thing to happen again this season." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights squad lost again, this time to the stuttering and stammering horde that is the PPP. It was a close game, but only because Knights backup John Twotone crept onto the field and tied some key Platypi players' shoelaces in knots, causing them to trip and become injured. He would have been suspended by the league during video review, but someone accidentally copied over the videotape of the alleged incident with the movie "The Craft". An important announcement made during this week's press conference was that the UltraStrongandLongLooking Buffalo Rubble Telescope, in locked geosynchronous orbit over Buffalo, has detected a large meteor headed for the planet Earth. When asked to comment on the rammifications of such a monstrous impact, a local scientist replied. "Who cares, the darn thing is headed for Manix. What's the line on the Saints this week?" No Buffalo players attended a special charity event held in Manix to raise money for the Maulers' injured Cliff Secord. Cliffy was, well, defenestrated during last week's press conference. All totalled, 13 dollars and 11 cents were raised by the raucous crowd of 31,000 a the MCG. They were treated to a concert by John Oates, Andrew Ridgely and some guy in a green hat who happened to walk backstage. Despite contrary rumors, actress Neve Campbell was -not- at the concert, in body or in spirit. -Buffalo Management ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the sports pages of the Manix Tribune-Sentinel-Globe-Herald: Well, the Manix Maulers got squished by the Goon last week. The Maulers are looking for their second win of the year and it looks like they're going to be looking for a while longer. The Goon was not below distracting the newer Manix players. Just ask Stephan Sperlich. He had to play opposite the Goon's Roland Thompson Gunner. "It vas creepy. Der guy is kopflos [headless]!" In other news, Manix corporate raiders revealed that they plan to move the Buffalo Knights to Akademgorodok, Siberia and rename them the Stupids after their takeover of Virtucon is official. The new team, the Akademgorodok Stupids, are expected to lose whatever fan base they have in Buffalo since Buffaloians can barely spell "New York." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Fire burned; The Mythstics now start the slide down the table. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Where are we playing? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- The Circus Stars head into this weeks game tired, injured and ripe for an upset. We have, as usual, not bothered to find out who our opponent will be. Pick Pocket continues to impress in his rookie year, and is an early favorite for rookie of the year. Any other rookies even playing? Last game alone he snagged 2 goals, 4 marks and 6 wallets. Meanwhile, Sideshow Steve has to be considered a disappointment. He actually saw some playing time after Dancing Elephant went bezerk, but came onto the field drunk, and promptly fell over. Then he got into the clown car and drove it into the side of the stadium. He spent the last week in a detox facility. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Ouchie ouchie ouchie. Weez guts 2 tyred frum plain 2 gams en 1 wek. Dat mus B da rezon 4 R first levle 2 ingerees dis seezon. Gud luk 2 da Bandits az weez duz nuts hav R bestest 2 moe bills dis week. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS PUSH REIGNING PREMIER TO 1 GOAL ASGARD: "Dammit", muttered Vikings head honcho Uncle Steve. "Just one more lousy goal and we'd have drawn... Oh well, didn't hurt the percentage. It's not looking too bad for a 1-4 team." This week the Vikings face last year's runners up, the PC Circus Stars. Nurse Ratchet has been placed on standby, pending an expected surge in injuries as Dancing Elephant is unleashed on a fearful Raiders team... GO YOU RAIDERS! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Yerns ------------------------------------------------------- Well, the Yerns still haven't won. Will this be the lucky week? The Yerns are now: W L T 0 5 0 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Scott 'Mushroom Cloud' Emery was last seen sticking his head into a bucket of cold wet sand. It is rumored that he has refused to remove it until the team breaks .500. The "toast" of Gold! Burnt, even! W L T 2 3 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!