------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- Bandits players were overjoyed at the news that this was their last week under the control of regular manager, Gomex Addams. "Woo-hoo", exclaimed injured star Paul McCartney, "Maybe the new bloke will stop us being hurt?!". French Caretaker manager M. De Sade was unavailable for comment... [ Have a great couple of months SPARFing people, see you mid-August! R. ] ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- Well, thanks from the PPP. I like the award, but if you REALLY want to honor me, tank the game. I need the easier match, but it might be too much to hope for that I might be able to beat you even AFTER you tank it. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- All I can say is the dream start is looking ugly........ Someone hand me the Alka-Seltzer....... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- I said that we'd lose. So nyahh. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- There was press shut-out at the CCG this week after yet another shock loss in a game we should have won! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Well, we lost again, but at least we injured more people on their side. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- The ratings (and therefore the odds) for Gold appear to be back to normal. I am open to suggestions to changing the presentation of odds (given time to actually implement it). Unfortunately, the fundamental problem is that the "ratings" of teams are not point differences (expected margins), unless the teams are close. This is because the margins are normalised to prevent large margins from having too significant an impact on the calculations. I am not confident that the normalisation process is reversible in any sensible manner. For example, the Groundhogs are expected to lose this week by between 37 and 38 (normalised) points. The corresponding un-normalised point margin is between 193 and 220 points, which you'd have to say is pretty unlikely. If you want to take the standard error into account, the Groundhogs are expected to lose by between 21 and 808 points, an almost completely meaningless range of margins. Disclaimer: I am not a statistician, and don't know what I'm doing. GOLD Giant Redwoods 2/9 v Greymoor Gladiators 4/1 Indiana Fire 14/1 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/17 Victorian Mandarins 1/19 v Viking Raiders 16/1 Black Company 18/1 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/25 Uluru Dingoes 8/11 v Sherwood Bandits EVENS Buffalo Knights 4/6 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 5/4 Spring Creek Piranhas 1/9 v CSUA 7/1 The Mythstics 9/2 v New Sturt Blues 2/11 SILVER Manix Maulers 40/1 v California Sluggers 1/50 Seren City Supers 2/9 v Nar Nar Goon 7/2 Air-Pacific Groundhogs 90/1 v Newcastle Novas --- Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 1/5 v Roxburgh Kittens 4/1 Limboland Mists 4/5 v Christminster Clerics EVENS BRONZE Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/30 v Himeji Herons 20/1 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 4/5 v Melbourne Bloods EVENS Darwin Destroyers 3/1 v Wallamaloo Philosophers 1/4 Albion All-stars EVENS v Melbourne Yerns 4/5 Connecticut Yankees 33/1 v Silicon Valley Angels 1/40 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- A loss coming up against the KKK will continue our WLWLWLWL sequence. This bodes well for our first match against the Melbourne Bloods in the following week .... Any suggestions on how we can improve our scoring accuracy can be sent to teamcode "heron" .... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- Well, -that- plan didn't work. Let's see what polyester blends and a neon color for the alternate uniforms can do for the team. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Stunning the free world, as well as bookmakers in Manix, the Buffalo Knights made it two straight, toppling the Piranhas in a surprise win. "Clearly our hard work is paying dividends," claimed Knights Coach Bridget Fonda. "We won this game because we have been training hard and kicking well and that's all there is to say about that." Mobile John Spleen had a different story. "It was close until midway through the third quarter when about half of their guys left the pitch, went into a local pub and got pissed watching the World Cup from France." John 3:16 agreed. "Yah, it was aboot a too gole leed until then, but we really kickkedd them goood after thennn." After making the above statement, John 3:16 was immediately checked out at Buffalo Sinai Hospital and treatment for an accidental infusion of Loopy Creature blood. He's feeling much better now. The Knights play, maybe, the Yobbos next week, in a very important game to everyone in the league. In fact, this one game may decide the entire Gold season, as well as the Cup Final, no doubt about it. Many celebrities have already lined up good seats for the match. "Well, My momma likes the Yobbos, but I'm with the Knights" - Ashley Judd "The Knights rule, plain and simple." - Neve Campbell "Beef, it's what's for dinner." - Prince Sihanouk of Cambodia In Manix, some folks gathered to root for the Maulers as well - John Tesh, Yanni, the guy from Milli Vanilli (the living one) and Valerie Bertinelli's dog all got together and signed two autographs for an excited crowd of 5 whole people trapped in an elevator. Also, rumours have circulated around Manix that the Maulers will be molecularly shrunk down to the size of a bloodtick and play all further games on the back of a sheep somewhere in Peoria, Illinois. We'll just wait to hear more about that. -Buffalo Management ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Tribune-Sentinel-Globe-Herald: Mild rioting broke out in densely populated sections of Manix last week as the Manix Maulers won their second match of the year. Police used stern glances and elbow-nudging to contain the rioting, which generally took the form of cool indifference or surprised expressions. "Well, I must admit that I am somewhat surprised that the Maulers could actually win a second game," said one anonymous rioter. "I think that this win must be some sort of violation of the laws of physics, and that's probably why so many people look puzzled today." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Mythstics' Press Crypt was dark - pitch dark. Daylight was months away yet as Antarctica lay in its annual winter night. But a small scratching sound could be heard accompanied by a breathy whistle. A sudden flaring of light revealed Mythster Ed, whittling and whistling. "Ed," said Venusia, standing at the light switch, "more injuries - stoke the altars, we need to rid ourselves of these warm bodies, the sooner the better." "Sure, Venny. Uh, did the boys win?" "We were playing CSUA, Ed." Venusia sounded a little vexed. "Oh, duh, yep, sure, yep, uh, CSUA, yessir. Dang!" Ed sucked at his finger. "Um, oh yes, stoke the altar, okey dokey." And muttering and mumbling, Ed shuffled off. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- The Novas are proud to receive the mid-season Blood Free Uniforms Award from the Platypi. Just to put the mockers on our low injury record, we're thinking of releasing a few benchwarmers ... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Just days prior to this week's matchup, all Circus Stars were reported healthy and ready to play, marking the first time since the opening game that the regulars will all take the field together. This years' Circus Stars look focused, confident and, except for an early loss to the upstart Blues, unbeaten. One of these weeks we'll actually look at the schedule and figure out who we're going to be playing. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Der iz mor 2 dis gam dan jus havin da bestest ray tings. 4 eggs = sample, da Raiders dun had 9 Great ray tings, an we dun had no Great ray tings, = but we=20 dun 1 da gam bi 4 gols. Der mus B sum tin 2 b sed 4 ball anssed teems. = Weez iz nut shoer woo we dun pla dis week, so letz hav fun. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- NOTHING HAPPENING IN VIKING TOWN ASGARD: The hall is empty, the air is silent and a rusty, dilapidated spit stands forlornly in the corner. The pigs squeal happily in their cages, secure in the knowledge that they remain alive until the Vikings next win a SPARF match. On current efforts, that could see the swine safely into next year. "I wouldn't be so sure of that", commented head honcho, legend, good guy and manager Uncle Steve. "We were thinking of sacrificing one or two of them in the hope of improving our performances". Thor, Odin, Frigga and the other norse Gods eagerly conveyed their assent. Though Viking management wonders why these dudes aren't helping the team _without_ the benefit of a sacrifice... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Connecticut Yankees ------------------------------------------------------- Another loss, and another hope for victory. The crowds are begging for a victory, and are threatening to burn down the stadium if there aren't satisfactory results for the expansion squad against their next opponent, the Angels. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Yerns ------------------------------------------------------- Well, we sure took a drubbing against the Krazy Kenora. Time to try for our first win of the season against the All-stars. After a week off, mobiles Dan Mantis, Jerry Sprite, and Mark Markington have trained hard, and are ready to help beat the All-stars. The Yerns are now: W L T 0 7 0 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Oh boy, do we suck. W L T 3 4 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos! RFC-822-headers: Received: from soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU ("port 3237"@soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU) by Mail.cder.fda.gov (PMDF V5.1-10 #28864) with ESMTP id <01IYBQ4DGS5C95NREV@Mail.cder.fda.gov> for smithda@cder.fda.gov; Wed, 17 Jun 1998 01:34:12 -0400 (EDT) Received: (from mel@localhost) by soda.CSUA.Berkeley.EDU (8.8.8/) id WAA26254 for kibitz; Tue, 16 Jun 1998 22:30:50 -0700 (PDT mel)