only 12 hours of grace period left. Do you know where your orders are? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- Once again, that Glowing Golden Eye appears in your mind. It is dressed in a fur coat with lots of Gold chains and slinky women hanging around it. It seems that the coaches around the league had very full wallets and really nice watches. It looks at you, motions to someone behind you and the next thing you know, there are stars and blackness..... "Hmm I believe its time to teach that Eye something about ownership... OH! Hello! I did not realize that anybody was watching. Well, Its almost that time of the year, when we seperate the winners from the losers. Hopefully, Mine Host will NOT repeat its last pathetic season. Any more like that, and I'll have to turn those stupid players into real dog meat to feed horses, or something like that. Anyway, I hope to have improved my forwards from last season. Only one of those pufta's scored 30 goals. He is returning, as is another player who was injured and missed a few matches last season. One player had been dropped to an IC spot, his experience should help keep injuries from completely killing Mine Host. Two players were traded and I hope they like their new homes. The last spot was mostly a rotating position because of injuries. I have two new players in, promoted up from the Center line, and two players who did spend some time on the forward lines. Will these players do better?? Only time will tell. Defensively, Mine Host has not changed much. One player was traded and a first year player will give it a go to fill his shoes. At mid-field, I boast of a completely new Center line, with not one, but three(!) first year players to fill the middle. Mine Hosts on-ballers have not changed, except to get older. Last season, they set a team record 256 goals. If they can do the same and if I can get a record-setting effort from Mine forwards, we MIGHT have a chance to finish in the top six. We SHALL see....." The next image you see is that of the Eye getting mugged by a pack of wild Brownie Scouts......... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- Work, work, work......... No time for Press!!!!!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- New Unley: Blues in Secret Training Regimen Manager Barry, in a stroke of genius, utilising the obvious* advantage available in the first weeks of the season, put his players through a secret training regimen this week. Spectators at the practice session said that all the team did was kick the ball towards the goals from 100 metres out, with anyone missing being promised to play on Dancing Elephant this year. In the real world.... Sturt down Norwood by 6 goals in their first game of the season, under lights at the Adelaide Oval. This week they return to play at their traditional home ground at Unley for the first time in eleven years. see http://www.wantree.com.au/~elbarto/sturt.htm for details. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- No one was injured at the tops vs skins game at the CCG last weekend; roll on '98... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- What, me train? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- Buffalo Knights management once again failed to sign a rookie for this season's squad. John Larry's only comment at the weekly press conference was a timid confession. "Our bids were vastly inferior, when you look at what was accepted. We are most unhappy to have failed to improve ourselves with the youth movement." When prompted what offers the Knights' made, he withdrew some 3x5 notecards and held them aloft. The press waited for him to read something off of the cards, but no words were spoken. "What?" John Larry asked. "What's wrong with notecards? We offered'em a ton of these notecards but I guess it weren't enough. John Moe then came to the podium and hit John Larry with a large metal flying pan. "That's not true. These moves were all born from genius, nothing less than genius I tell you!" John Curly moved through the crowd slowly, handing out freshly baked grilled cheese sandwiches and coupons for Hungry Jack. The Knights' new ownership corporation, Virtucon, held a separate press conference inside a Tuff-Shed outside Buffalo city limits. A company rep noted the organizations faith in the Knights' current coaching staff - and then passed out grilled cheese sandwiches. -Buffalo Mgmt Timothy Cree timcree@lanminds.net ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- Mandarins Announce New Field Mandarins management and BC Ferries today jointly announced the Mandarins' aquisition of the retired BC Ferries vessel 'Vesuvius Queen'. The 276 tonne vessel was constructed in 1950. It served on the Crofton-Vesuvius run. The Mandarins plan to use the ship as an off-shore football stadium and whale watching platform. Repairs, a deck expansion and 50,000 new seats are to be begun immediately with a scheduled completion date of April 30. Tenders should be submitted to Mandarins Management. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the sports pages of Old Age Pensioners Weekly: SENIORS RIGHT AT HOME IN MANIX Australian Rules Football, once the very epitome of reckless youth, seems to be making great strides toward creating opportunities for old age pensioners. Consider the Republic of Manix's SPARF team, the Manix Maulers. The Maulers have no less than 9 players who should have retired decades ago. Even though Manix will compete with teams far younger, one can only admire the Maulers' dedication to the elderly. "Yeah, our old guys are great," says Hans Ravensburg, who was a rookie last season. "They're brilliant at distracting the other teams' forwards by telling them about the kidney operation they just had." The strategy for Manix this year seems to be dependent on playing grandfathers and babies, with little focus on winning games. If you're interested in trying out for the Manix Maulers Australian Rules Football Club and you're over 80 years old, write to: Manix Maulers Ancient Player Program The ManixDome, Room 22 The High Exalted and Greatly Esteemed Republic of Manix Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The steady drip of melting ice echoed through The Mythstics Press Crypt. Whistling tunelessly, the bumbling Mythster Ed mopped at the pool of water gathering in one corner of the room. "Dang altars overheating again," he muttered, sloshing to the door with a bucket full of water. He kicked open the door, winced as an icy blast of wind blasted through the crack and hastily tipped the water onto the steps before slamming the door shut. Taking up his whistling where he left off, he went back to work. Looks like there won't be a seance this week either. Must be too many leaves in Venusia's tea or something. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Nothing to report. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Reporter: Well, it seems that the Circus Star training binge may have come at a price. Player-coach Sling, exhausted from his own training regimen, managed to sleep through both the second and third rounds of the rookie draft, leaving the Circus Star squad a little short for the upcoming season. Sling: No problem. If that means some of us have to play two positions, then that's how it's gonna be. Just means we gotta up the training a bit. "Okay, as of now, the optional 'sleep' every night is hereby limited to once per week. Players will now be required to juggle while running laps of the field until breakfast." Reporter: Just when you thought these clowns had no clue... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Wee dun gut sicks rukeze, so weez iz hape. Lat da C-zon B gin. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Connecticut Yankees ------------------------------------------------------- The Connecticut Yankees, preparing for their first season in SPARF, announced today that their homefield would be officially named within the next week. Most people are saying that Yankee Stadium will become the name, but others are going to either Constitution State Center, or the Nutmeg Field. Coach Casey Stengel, though, wouldn't comment, saying, "We need to prepare for our season, not worry about what people are going to name this damned piece of soil." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Yerns ------------------------------------------------------- I did it! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- If you read this then I forgot to update my training with the correct numbers. Undefeated so far! W L T 0 0 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!