------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- Go Doggies! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- This is Gary Ablett coming to you live with another season of Black Company Footy! With me as always, Tony Lockett, the best damn colour man in the business. Well Tony, what do you think of the Black Company's chances THIS season?? Well Gary, I think they still suck. The last time this team was any good was when WE were starting for them. I mean look, Russell Morris as a IC!?! What's this team comming to?? So he is a dinosaur, so what?? He never could hold his beer past the 28th round and now he is washed up at 6. What a complete putz. I mean, You and I were starting for this team at 6 so what's his problem?? Well thank you Tony! Oh, look! The Boys in Black are taking the field! Listen to that crowd cheer! (dead silence for a moment) They love this team in Khatovar! We'll be right back after the station break! This is LGGE, the exclusive broadcasters of the Black Company's games. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- One day, I might again have time to write this press stuff. Here we go, New Sturt Blues, Season 6... This is our 96th game! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- First game for 99 - all very exciting - don't know who we're playing; but I'm tippin' them! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The big news this week is of course the footy tipping competition. Have you signed up yet? Just in case you've forgotten, the URL is http://www.afl.com/ and after you sign yourself up, the group you need to join is called FOP (pwd parra). Last I checked there were 10 members from all walks, making FOP the 19th most popular group. Got to get at least double that, so get in there! On a more SPARF related note, Wakanohana withdrew from the Spring Sumo tourney yesterday with a torn hamstring. We've got the sticky tape out to patch him before our big round 1 flogging. Yes, that's right, we're getting flogged this week. The first of what I'm sure will be many floggings. Our goal this season is to win 5 games - but we'll be satisfied if we can not finish at the bottom and avoid being relegated back to Bronze. And to any Carlton supporters out there, CARNA BOMBERS! Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Yobo Yobo Yobo. Go on, say it. In other news, "damn, we're gonna be good this year." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- The first game looms large in the mind of the players. Will the new lineup work out? Will the rookies see playing time? Will the Kittens actually score? We can hardly wait to find out. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights closed out their final pre-season training with a press conference, noting their plans to host an Oscar party. "Most of the guys are pretty high on Gwyneth, but a lot of them are just plain mad that Neve Campbell isn't going to win." confessed manager Bridget Fonda. "I tried to tell them that she isn't even nominated, but they don't listen." The only Knights' player smart enough to make any predictions is John Borchardt. "Well, we got three war movies. If there were two, they'd cancel out but with three, you take the best and dump the other two. We got two movies about the Queen so take the one that made more money. That leaves Saving Private Ryan and Shakespeare in Love. Shakespeare was entertaining, and Ryan was really graphic. Graphic violence is usually disliked - unless you're a big-shot director - in which case it's called 'gritty' and 'real'. Saving Private Ryan wins best picture." When asked to pick the rest of the categories, Borchardt was eager. "Supporting actors? No one cares that much so just take a couple from Shakespeare and call it good." "As for actress, Gwyneth was good but Blanchett made you believe she was really the Queen. Trouble is, they think Gwyneth is cuter so she will win. Best Actor is tough because Nick Nolte could win since the voting took place before he ripped on everyone in stupid Hollywood for having Oscars in the first place. Tom Hanks won't win because he has two already and the movie really isn't about him. Ed Norton was good but played a guy hard to like. That leaves two foreign guys - take the better one, Ian McKellen." The media asked Knight's players for their Gold season predictions. John Cree laughed, "I just hope we don't get relegated to Silver." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix News Digest: At a hastily assembled press conference late yesterday afternoon, the Manix Maulers' press secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, responded to criticism surrounding the Manix Maulers' refusals to have regular, organized, and informative press conferences. "Hey, sorry, okay?" "Smilin' Pete," one reporter asked, "what is the sense in the Maulers' locker room for the imminent start of the season?" "Hey, um, to which season are you referring?" Predictably, the first official Manix press conference of 1999 went into a bit of a decline from there. In other news, the Guild of Manix Bookmakers and Racketeers announced that the odds of Buffalo mentioning Neve Campbell in their press this week is 7:1 on. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Mythster Ed shuffled his way across the Press Crypt towards the dais. "Ed - you have the tape?" asked Venusia, her voice echoing in the pre-season emptiness of the Crypt. "Sure do." He handed a small tape to Venusia who slotted it into a conveniently located player and pressed play. A conversation between two unidentified men was broadcast to the empty Crypt. VOICE1: By cross-referencing meteorological data with the Commissioner's itinerary I discovered an amazing pattern. VOICE2: Hmmm, you mean these little yellow circles? VOICE1: Er, that's right boss. You see, wherever the Commissioner travelled in New Zealand abnormally high levels of temperature and solar activity were recorded. It was almost as if a small ozone hole was following him around. VOICE2: All very interesting, but what does it prove? VOICE1: Um, well, the exception was this day where he was supposedly in Dunedin. VOICE2: You mean the grey circley bit down the bottom? VOICE1: Er, um, yes...But see, in Antarctica the same day... VOICE2: Good God, you don't mean... VOICE1: Yes, boss, it looks like the Commissioner paid a visit to The Mythstics... Venusia rapped the stop button on the player, her face creased in an unaccustomed frown. "Ed, bring me my crystal ball. I must converse with The Owners." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- This week should be full of surprises, like "who are we playing?" ... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- As the season begins, the Groundhogs are in fine form. Coach Nemeth had this to say: "We spent the better part of last season building up depth due to poor choices in previous years - this season I believe it is going to pay off." Stay tuned for more... This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- O! K! Let! Da! C! Zon! B! Gen! Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- The subsonic thrumming of machinery seems to form patterns of intensity as walk the streets of Livermore these days. In places the shuddering of your body threatens to violate your integrity, in others it is a barely perceptible feeling of unease. Undefeated so far! W L T 0 0 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!