------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- How the hell did all these Silver teams get so good? :( ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- Welcome back to LGGE, your station for all that is black! This is Garry Ablett, with Tony Lockett as always! What can I say?? Manix's Bombing Department is as lame as their team. For more about this story, here's Tony. Well Garry, this is what happened. Some bombers from Manix decided to try to assassinate me with a bomb. They missed, BIG time. I don't know HOW, but I guess that they can't tell the difference between a laundramat and a television station. I bet most kindergardeners could tell the difference. What happened was when the bomb blew, it damaged the power transformers to the station, located just a block away, so we were unable to make a broadcast. The only injuries were the three bozo's who set the bomb. They were taken to Khatovar General, where even our condemned prisoners DON'T want to go, where they all had REALLY big splinters pulled out of there butts. They all had false passports, to the Republic of Buffalo, on official "Manix Mauler" stationary. As a precaution, our security force called Buffalo and asked if they wanted these guys for questioning. Buffalo said yes. So the three prisoners were sent to Buffalo in a nice big crate with airholes and carrots and peas inside. Garry? Well, how did the team do last week?? They sucked. Big time. No defence from the static 15. Their FF burned Lifetaker for 7 goals. The Blues would have still won, but by not as much, On the other hand, The black mobiles did a good job of keeping up with the blue mobs. How about this week, Tony?? This week also doesn't look too good, Garry. The Indiana Fire are a tough team and the boys in black haven't had much success against them. I think the Fire will blacken the boys by 45 points. Thank you Tony! This is Garry Ablett, for Tony Lockett, saying Solong from Khatovar! This has been a LGGE production. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- The good news for the Technocrats is that we'll be resting our two best players and playing some up-and-comers in the mobile positions. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- A great win to the mighty CFC, despite some of the mythstics thelections theeming like they wanted to throw the game! Anyway they'll be a big crowd to see Sly Stones return after a few weeks off. And everybody was pleased to see Wah Wah Watson reappear at training after being released from hospital. Obviously he's still a couple of weeks away at least. This week is a must win game, and we are not going to underestimate the winless Novas. end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- The Bookie offers the following odds for the coming round of matches. GOLD Viking Raiders 7/1 v Victorian Mandarins 1/9 Giant Redwoods 6/4 v Buffalo Knights 4/7 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 2/5 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 2/1 Petawawa Purple Platypi 2/1 v Uluru Dingoes 2/5 New Sturt Blues --- v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 80/1 The Mythstics 9/1 v California Sluggers 1/11 Black Company 3/1 v Indiana Fire 1/4 Christminster Clerics 4/6 v Newcastle Novas 5/4 SILVER Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/40 v Darwin Destroyers 30/1 CSUA 13/8 v Seren City Supers 1/2 Roxburgh Kittens 9/1 v Limboland Mists 1/11 Sherwood Bandits EVENS v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 4/5 Wallamaloo Philosophers 15/8 v Himeji Herons 4/9 BRONZE Nar Nar Goon --- v Melbourne Warriors 1000/1 Winnipeg Rangers 25/1 v Melbourne Bloods 1/33 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 1/19 v Rockdale Radishes 15/1 Manix Maulers 1/33 v Melbourne Yerns 25/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- No time for press this week. Very happy to get that close to the Mists. I'm beginning to think the unthinkable - that the Herons deserve their #3 position! However, with two mobiles getting crunched last week, the Philosophers have a good chance of knocking us off. I hope we can still come away with the points. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights' triumph over the mystifying PPP lifts the team within reach of the .500 mark. Buffalo mobiles continue to rack up goals while the rest of the team continues to screw around on the pitch, accomplishing nothing. This week, after video review (from home movies made by Laura Schwendinger's cousin, Warren Commission), several Knights' players are facing fines and suspensions from the Mighty Buffalo Knights Football Club, Waste Disposal Team and Trucking Services. John Biggerstaff, who scored no goals and no behinds, was caught on tape wandering off the field and into the stands for a hot dog. And then a second one later on. Not to mention a few beers. John Cree was nearly invisible at LW since he spent the majority of the first half sitting on the ground logged onto the Internet. It seems that he has his own website, www.loser-player.com, and was excited to see that he'd gotten 3 whole hits in the month of May. John Bachofen was missing early on as he sat in the stands feeding his 4 month old daughter her formula while his wife took a break. This week, the Redwoods. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- Mandarins to steal page from Yobbos: Its Flux Time! By the end of last week's game, the Mandarins had only one regular mobile on the field. Injuries are ripping the team apart, leaving hapless rookies to pick up the pieces. Sensing something wrong, Mandarins management has decided to try something new, something we've never had to do before. We're being nice to our players. "The next two weeks are going to be a bit of a holiday for our players" coach Shoa grins. "We've booked a beach resort in Fiji, and we're takin' life easy". If you can't beat'em, relax and enjoy the show. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Tribune-Sentinel-Globe-Herald: The search for the Mad Bomber of the Mythstics and Manix is not progressing well. Authorities in Manix report that very few details on the suspect could be discovered from the crime scene. Attempts at recreating the blast using authentic explosives has proven to do little more than annoy the neighbors and increase the rubble of the Former Manix Press Briefing Room. Sargeant McGruff, the trenchcoat-wearing crime-biting hounddog, growled this week, "SPARFers beware, the Mad Bomber could visit you next!" In other news, Neve Campbell was taken out of cold storage temporarily on Monday to compete in the 1st Annual Kitty Chan Look-A-Like Contest. The frozen Ms. Campbell won first prize, whereas Wakano Hana of the Herons finished dead last. New Sturt Blues player Er also competed, but suffered an Injury(2). ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Mythstics' Press Crypt was deserted and still in disarray, the evidence of a large explosion everywhere visible - mangled furniture, pockmarked masonry and a large crater in floor. A brief flurry of snow whirled in through what remained of the door and added to the drift that had formed against the refreshments counter. Meanwhile, a short distance away in the hospital dome, Venusia sat at Ed's bedside. Tubes, displays, fluorescent light - you've seen it all on E.R. a million times. Ed lay motionless, swathed in bandages. "Good thing you're as strong as a horse Ed," sighed Venusia after a while. "The doctors say the blast would have blown most people to pieces...shame they couldn't save your lucky rabbit's foot, but I've got you another one, here..." she pressed something into Ed's heavily bandaged hand. With another sigh, Venusia rose to leave. "Why didn't you heed my warning, Ed? 'Beware of a dark box in May' I told you." A dull rattle sounded from the bed. Venusia quickly pressed a button to summon a nurse. "I think he's trying to talk," she said, bending her ear to the bandage in the vicinity of Ed's mouth. "Tell me again, Ed." After a moment she straightened. "You thought I said 'Beware the darling buds of May'? Oh, Ed." A small tear glistened at the corner of her eye. So the bomb has failed to kill Ed but leaves many unanswered questions. Like, who was behind it? Was it ruthless Australian media mogul, Rupert Mythdock? What does Manyths, er, Manix know about the plot? How could Ed possibly have survived? When will The Mythstics win another game? And can they go through a whole season without mentioning SPARF in their press? And what about the so-called 'ice sculpture' of the Commissioner? Is someone losing the plot here? Hey, if you want pat resolutions, read the Yobbos press - here in Antarctica the only certainty is that if you leave the door open when you go out you'll come home to a mighty cold house. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- We dun shud pay mor a 10 shun 2 da gams an da pres. We duz nut re mam bur wen weez wuz sofa R don N da standins. Da an U al gam wit da Circus Stars iz cumin up, an tings du nut luk pret E. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Rockdale Radishes ------------------------------------------------------- A fantastic effort by the Radishes last week saw them pull off a well deserved win against the bye. Although not counting in the official SPARF cup competition, the practice match saw the Radishes win 154 goals, 1 behind, 925 points to the bye's 0 goals, 0 behinds, 0 points. The game came to an early end during the last quarter when Johnnie Watkins scored the Radishes single behind, and there was no opposition to kick the ball back into play. Head coach Big Radish was pleased with his team's performance. " It was good practice for us to have no opposition. We learnt some interesting new plays so if the Hawks manage to all die this weekend, then we're well prepared to take full advantage of that!! " " Also in keeping with the tradition of crazy predictions in SPARF, I'd like to declare that the Radishes are now back in the running for the cup and in my mind are probably a firm favourite to take it out at this stage. It is still mathematically possible for us to make the finals....we just need to win 10 out of our last 6 matches by an average winning margin of 250 points." Big Radish was then swiftly led from the press room as he was late for his daily maths tutoring. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- The streak has ended! See you in the Cup Race! W L T 8 1 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!