------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- This is LGGE, your station for all that is Black! Welcome back Sparf fans! This is Garry Ablett with Tony Lockett as always. Tony! What happen last week?? Well Garry, the team really did go play the Sluggs. However, just before the game started, the boys found out that they had to play the Novas. I think 141 points in 22 minutes is pretty good, however, the Novas managed to score 151 in the whole game. Who's next for the team?? That would be the Clerics of Christminster. This team will beat the Black Company. I have no faith that the Boys in Black. I think this team could loss to a newbie random team by 50. In short, they suck. That's pretty harsh. I know that sounds bad, but They could STILL beat Manix. Those guys just don't know which end of the ball to hold. *TIP* To all those teams that still have to play Manix this season, try to run around in circles for a few minutes as the game starts. It'll get the Maulers dizzy and most likely they will start to shoot on their own goal for you. Well, this is Garry Ablett for Tony Lockett saying So Long from Khatovar! This has been a LGGE production. _______________________________________________________ Get your free, private email at http://mail.excite.com/ ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Bad Kickin' is bad Footy, and so another loss! With another on baller lost, in the form of Keek da Gol, its hard to expect an improvement this week - but hopefully some of the kids will rise to the occassion. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- The Bookie offers the following odds for the coming round of matches. GOLD Victorian Mandarins 1/8 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 6/1 Giant Redwoods 40/1 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/60 Buffalo Knights 8/11 v Viking Raiders EVENS Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 8/11 v Uluru Dingoes EVENS Newcastle Novas 60/1 v New Sturt Blues 1/80 Indiana Fire 4/13 v The Mythstics 11/4 California Sluggers 1/14 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 11/1 Black Company 1/2 v Christminster Clerics 7/4 SILVER Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/40 v Roxburgh Kittens 30/1 Seren City Supers 1/7 v Darwin Destroyers 11/2 CSUA 1/14 v Sherwood Bandits 11/1 Air-Pacific Groundhogs 4/1 v Wallamaloo Philosophers 2/11 Limboland Mists 1/5 v Himeji Herons 4/1 BRONZE Nar Nar Goon 2/9 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 7/2 Melbourne Bloods 1/14 v Melbourne Warriors 11/1 Winnipeg Rangers 1000/1 v Manix Maulers --- Melbourne Yerns 9/4 v Silicon Valley Angels 4/11 The following teams are now expected to contest the finals. The premiership will go to one of the top three teams. 1. Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 2. Victorian Mandarins 3. New Sturt Blues 4. Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 5. Uluru Dingoes 6. California Sluggers 7. Indiana Fire 8. Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights fell to the Circus Stars who, despite not having all of their quality players, put a big hurt on the Knights defense in scoring a rude 29 goals. The team is optimistic about the last three games. John Brain said, "You just gotta play them one game at a time." John DWJK said, "Hey you win some and you lose some." John Pamm stated, "Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you." John Leoni quipped "What goes around comes around." John Kong Phooey tried to say something, but manager Bridget Fonda motioned quickly to the wood chipper out back and the room was silent. In team news, the oddball who'd been calling the Knights' ticket office asking if the team was "Living La Vida Loca" was Vato Loco of the Black Company. The Knights will deal with him properly soon. John Heretic continues his quest to win the scoring title, but his dismal showing against Port didn't leave room for optimism. "I've got some tricks up my sleeves. My cousin will blow a Viking horn during next week's match and hopefully it'll confuse the Raiders and they'll go berserk. After that I'll unleash some dog catchers at the Dingoes and then if I get a chance I'll have to look up Yobbo in the dictionary. I hope I'm ahead before then." In foreign news, no one named Campbell was seen in Manix, or with the Black Company, or with Ablett or Lockett. Whereabouts unknown. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Legal Beat: The Manix Maulers' law firm, The Law Offices of An Evil Bunch of Lawyers with Big Frightening Teeth, released a statement yesterday claiming that they were "going to get Scientologist on Tony Lockett's [posterior]" for slanderous statements made last week. The firm's head lawyer, Satan, said that he's wanted a piece of Tony Lockett for a long time. Manix Mauler Press Secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, looking ravishing in a Laura Ashley summer dress, stated "Hey, our plan is simply to exact vengeance on Tony Lockett, his family, and every generation that follows. We're drawing up plans for the Manix Terrible Horrible Tony Lockett Family Slavery Facility as we speak." Smilin' Pete added: "We also have evidence that Tony Lockett actually eats live babies to become immortal. He's one evil dude, almost as evil as our lawyers." Proceedings for compensatory damages due to slander will begin for the "Tony Lockett, You're Screwed" Trial in the spring of 2001. For gavel to gavel coverage, tune into Manix CourtTV, hosted by hard-hitting prosecutor Roger Cossack, and tough-as-nails defense attorney Greta Von Susteren. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- "Three wins in a row - when will this streak end?" wheezed Ed between noisy sips at the straw he had wedged in his mouth. A few fewer bandages and drips surrounded him now, and he was sitting up in his hospital bed. Venusia smiled and arched an eyebrow. "Now that would be telling!" Her face smoothed and she raised a tape. "If you'll excuse me, Ed, I have a little business to attend to." She snapped the tape into the player and settled down to listen. VOICE 1: Ah, er, what was, um, that again boss? VOICE 2: I said (wheeze), I've made a deal with that (indistinct) Venusia. VOICE 1: Now, ah, boss, that's no way to, er, talk about a, um, lady. What exactly is the, um, nature of the deal? VOICE 2: You've been reading too much Mythstics press, mate. (groan) The deal is confidential but let's just say I should be safe from lightning strikes for a while...and the bloody Mythstics won't need a new Press Crypt. (sigh) At least, not this season. VOICE 1: But, er, what about Commissioner, um, Mel? You know his, um, possible, er, (static) (mumble). Don't you think...? VOICE 2: Hey, I've got no time for that (mumble) Mel. No TV deal? The guy's a drongo. Turn on the cricket, mate. And dig me up all the dirt you can on Manix. I'll teach those (mutter) a thing or two about bomb threats... Venusia stopped the tape. "Well, Ed, let's hope that means there'll be no repitition of your nasty accident." Ed beamed affirmatively round the straw. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Sum tin iz feesh-e. Wee dun 1 1 gam dat weez wuz nut spos 2. Dat haz nut hap N'd 2 mush dis yeer. Wee hopz dat dis iz a gud sin uv tins 2 cum. Butt weez duz nut tink dat wil hep 2 mush. Loopy Creature PPP