------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- Well, it seems that if I beat the Kittens I might end up in Silver. As the likelihood of this happening is so small as to be non existent, the Bloods are preparing for another season of handing out large amounts of injuries to the citizens of Bronze............ ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- At least it looks like we won't go any lower than silver... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- The Bookie offers the following odds for the coming round of matches. GRAND FINAL Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 4/6 v Victorian Mandarins 5/4 The expected margin in the Grand Final is only 3 points in favour of the Circus Stars. RELEGATION New Sturt Blues 8/15 v Uluru Dingoes 6/4 Petawawa Purple Platypi 4/7 v Buffalo Knights 6/4 Indiana Fire 8/13 v Seren City Supers 11/8 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos EVENS v Limboland Mists 4/5 California Sluggers 4/7 v Black Company 6/4 Viking Raiders 2/5 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 2/1 Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/25 v Darwin Destroyers 17/1 The Mythstics 4/9 v CSUA 15/8 Nar Nar Goon 7/4 v Newcastle Novas 1/2 Himeji Herons EVENS v Christminster Clerics 8/11 Roxburgh Kittens 1/19 v Melbourne Bloods 16/1 Air-Pacific Groundhogs 1/2 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 13/8 Sherwood Bandits 7/2 v Manix Maulers 2/9 Melbourne Yerns EVENS v Rockdale Radishes 4/5 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- And so it comes to the final game of season '99. Some of you may have noted a lack of press from the Herons over the past few weeks. This has been due to my moving back down to Australia from Japan, where I have made my home for the past 3 years. Ouch. Speaking of which, last week's match against the Destroyers hurt us once again. What is it about that wretched team? Still, I'll take the loss - it balances the unexpected win against the Mysthics in the first round of Relegation. Amazingly enough, we still have a chance of being promoted to Gold, if we can beat the KKK. When we met them first time this season we ran them close, but got soundly trashed in the rematch. What will be the result of our third encounter of the season? They exploded against the Black Company last week, so we're hoping they'll do the same this week. It'll be our only hope. Regardless of the result, the Herons have been very happy with this season, despite falling away badly at the end. We weren't expecting to get into Gold, so we'll be very happy with a high seeding in Silver to start next year. I don't know if that'll do us any good - who knows what effect Viewsim 2000 will have? Enough boring ramblings - in the real world I went to my first game in 3.5 years last week and watched the Dons thrash the Eagles. I can't say enough how good it is to be back! I'm also looking forward to my free beer courtesy of Paul. I just think it's suspicious that every e-mail I send him bounces. Explain that one, Paul!!! Finally - to Terry Rooker: hope that we're in different leagues next year because otherwise I'm going to make mince meat of the Destroyers! Bye all! I'll be looking forward to "seeing" you all again next year. Keep a couple of slots free to take in some Heron rejects ... oops - veterans. Chris.Paragreen@bigfoot.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Still searching for that pot of Gold at the end of the rainbow. Go Kangari!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights lost a tough match with the Supers, suffering a couple of injuries. However, with the team's future sealed into Gold for next season, management isn't at all worried. "Yes, we've got some beat up players", coach Bridget Fonda stated, "and we really don't care. I mean, if we'll be in Gold no matter what next year who gives a damn anyway?! Let'em fry I say!" The Knights strategy is, Coach Fonda revealed at a press conference held atop a bottomless pit filled up to the top with Oreo cookies, to play every old and injured player at ridiculously high fatigue levels and rack up some walking wounded. "Well, these guys are so old and bad that they're heading into the woodchipper as soon as the game ends anyway, so we'll just crank every damn one of them up on fatigue and whomever lives through the game gets to live to next season. If not..." Coach Fonda made a slicing motion across her throat with her finger. Knights' Players Union Representative John Hoffa was supposed to make a statement regarding this wholly dangerous and insensitive policy but he hasn't been seen or heard from in nearly 25 years. In other news, these is no other news. -Buffalo Management ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix News Digest: At a hastily assembled press conference this afternoon, the Manix Maulers' press secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, made the official end-of-season statements. "Hey, so, see you next year." After a disinterested round of applause, the Manix press secretary was urged to comment further. "Hey, what? I said, 'so we'll see you next year.' That's all I've prepared." And so another Manix footy season ends, as usual, with Manix limping across the finish line, missing several teeth but nonetheless giving a big goofy bloody toothless grin to the cameras, scaring small children, and inspiring several pointed letters to editors of local papers to consider the impact on the lives of the small children who were frightened. In other news, Manix Commando Team 7 kidnapped Iron Man again, mixing him up with a certain "Iran Man" in their orders. Iron Man will appear in the Maulers' final game and subsequently be used to press men's shirts. In still other news, the Republic of Manix is planning to send a box of Manix Chocolate Fishez (tm) to the winner of the Sparf Cup and a team portrait of the New Sturt Blues to the runner up. Manix would also like to honor Mel (for being such a great and wise commissioner) by mailing him tickets for the exciting new musical "Hey: The Life of Smilin' Pete Zinger, Press Secretary," opening next month in our fair Republic. Finally, Manix has plans to replace the city of Buffalo's regular coffee with Folger's Smallpox Crystals. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- The Novas fan is concerned that their team has a shot at another season in Purgatory (aka Gold). "While I don't condone throwing matches," said the fan (head coach Alex Jesulenko's mother), "Sometimes you have to do bad things for the sake of the greater good." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- For the third year in a row, the Circus Stars find themselves in the Cup Final. However, the cross-town rival Victorian Mandarins are a tough squad, having already beaten our Circus Star heroes already this year. We leave the predictions to the oddsmakers... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- Oh boy! I'm gonna be in SILVER next year! Trouble is I was in GOLD this year... == Mandarins == What a day yesterday was: The manager's birthday A solar eclipse (unfortunately not visible in BC) Another boat load of Mandarins fans arrivesin the Queen Charlottes with full RCMP escort Symphony of Fire final show Added to the excitement of being in bustling Port Coquitlam, most players did not get any sleep last night, boding ill for our hopes of winning a third championship. Fortunately the Circus Stars seem to be a bit dazed as well. They were just the half time show at last season's final, not a competitor as suggested in their press. A quick look at the status shows about nine teams with no orders in including the Blues. Ah, the Blues. Perhaps Elton George put it best: "That's why they call them the Blues". Until next year (or gloating later today) Craig Ferguson Victorian Mandarins