------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- We're the St. Kilda of SPARF! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- And now back to LGGE... Well, Tony, it looks as if the Black Company has lost again. That's right, Garry. Only this loss was by only 12 and there were NO injuries! You don't see that much with this team. So, who is the next lucky team to get a chance to kick the snot out of the Boys in Black?? Well, would you believe the Champions from last season?? That's right, the Mandarins are coming! What do you think of the team's chances in this game, Tony?? This Black Company team doesn't have a chance. I mean, the Mands won last week by 50 points or something like that. Granted, it was against the 16th seed, but realisticly, the Company doesn't have a very good chance of being closer than 35. Well, thanks for tuning in this week! This is Garry Ablett for Tony Lockett saying So long for now! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- Not the ideal start to the season, getting the not unexpected pumping by the Goon. However, the boys were at least competitive. This week there will be some retribution handed out to whoever is unfortunate enough to be the opponent!!!! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- None from one - I s'pose we shouldn't worry yet, but if rankings are anything to go by - it was one of our better chances of a win... Let's see what happens this week when we meet the number 2 team in gold... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Warrnambool Sea Hawks ------------------------------------------------------- Ohhh Boy! Another season begins &, like a typical Bronze team, I find the club is in total disarray. New recruits are getting harder to find & these old timers are looking a little long in the tooth. 3 players have been called back into service after the manager fired them early in the week. I'd like to Thank Winnipeg Rangers, for putting up a brave show, especially their Center Daemen Cole MMAA, who matched up on the venerable Hary Had VVVO and yet out "statsed" him in both defgoods & Marks!....is he for sale? Mick Embarrassed & frustraated manager of WSH ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Any Carlton supporters out there? CARNA BOMBERS! Not one,but TWO huge victories, this week. One makes us very happy (any Carlton supporters out there?) and the other leaves us shocked. Stunned. Stupefied. The Heron's win their opening match in Silver. Comfortably. This week we take on the Bandits, who went down to the Mists in round 1. We hope that their score is indicitive of their power up forward - perhaps we then have a chance of winning another one. We'd like to think along similar lines for Round 3 and the Supers ... and given that they're all away games (we've won more away games than home games every season thus far), perhaps there IS hope! But we'll stick to our main strategy - we just predict we'll get flogged and somehow we'll fall over the line. Actually, last week it was antics behind the line that secured our win. (Stevie Wonder starts performing, "Isn't she lovely? Isn't she wonderful?") New recruit, Kitty Chan, rather than sitting on the interchange bench, parked herself near the Groundhogs' goals during the first and third quarters. Charmed by her undisputable cuteness, the 'Hogs were unable to find the centre sticks. Unfortunately, cuteness and footy skills do not equate, and Kitty Chan decided to sit at the same end during the second and third quarters, distracting her team-mates! The difference came half-way into the final term when Anpan Man bundled her back to the interchange (gaining two skill points in the process!) Kitty is not expected to take the field this week, instead taking lessons on how to march from one end of the ground to the other. Instead, you can expect to see Pika Chuu and Astro Boy make their "stunning" debuts. On Wednesday (Japan time), Takanohana pulled out of the Osaka Tourney after fracturing his collar bone in that day's win. That didn't stop him from making the field for the Herons - Groundhogs and Sumo Wrestlers just don't compare. The big news is that the top 4 wrestlers have all pulled out of the Spring Tourney - the first time in over 50 years. We all know that Waka and Taka did so, so that they could concentrate on SPARF.... Don't forget to put your tips in for the Footy Tipping competition this week, and for those silly people who tipped AGAINST the Dons last week, don't make the same mitake twice, okay? Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- We won our first game! The crowd goes wild! Looking the results: we scored the second most points in Silver, but allowed the most points. As long as we continue to score more than we allow, though, I'm happy. Some player notes -- the new mobile corps seems to have picked up where Ballof Wool and Whis Kas left off last year, with solid defensive play (Meow Meow with 22 DefGoods!) and aggressive offense. Also, it was Cadmus who made his rookie debut, holding down the fort when Bernie Quinlan twisted his ankle. The coach and crew are off celebrating what will likely be the highest winning percentage we have this year: 1-0, 100% :) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights opened their Gold season with a win over the "they should be seeded higher than that" Novas. Luckily both teams avoided the injury plague. The non-injury was amazing since John 3:16 and John Heretic spent the entire game arguing with each other, John Agoraphobia just sat trembling in the middle of the pitch and John DWJK stared at John Shania so much that his heart actually stopped. Luckily, John Biggerstaff whacked him on the noggin and he woke up. In other news, Neve Campbell was not seen in Buffalo this week with Olivia d'Abo, no matter what the manix press reports say. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- ============ How "Scouting Reports" Will Work This Season ============ There are two sections to this, one for veteran managers and one for newer managers. The veterans won't need to read this whole thing since it's already stuff they know. ============ Here's the information for veteran managers: Manix is doing cable again this year. Send your scouting reports to smithda@cder.fda.gov with the Subject WMNX:youremailaddress and your scouting report as the body. There should be no line breaks except after the Age column (where they should occur anyway). I'll send out whatever I have by 06:30 EST Mondays or 11:30 GMT Mondays or 21:30 Sydney time Mondays. I'm going to be strict about this cutoff, so please don't be late. ============ Some Background on the SPARF Cable Service ============ For those managers who are new to SPARF, scouting reports on the teams that you play can be made available. Every week after a match, Mel sends out the results of the match, and the lineups of your team and your opponent's team. Exact point values are replaced by adjectives (to add some mystery), so you'll get a file like this: Player Name Mark Kick Scram Defense Age LFP Tris Speaker TRIFC OUTST TRIFC POOR 3 FF Gary Bettenhausen OUTST OUTST GREAT AVG 3 RFP David Dunsmuir TRIFC OUTST VGOOD POOR 5 LHF Gavin Wanganeen OUTST TRIFC VGOOD GOOD 4 CHF Jim Rhodes OUTST OUTST TRIFC OUTST 4 RHF Cliff Secord OUTST TRIFC TRIFC GOOD 4 LW Hans Ravensburg AVG POOR AVG LOUSY 0 C Hale Irman OUTST VGOOD VGOOD VGOOD 5 RW Stefan Sperlich VGOOD AVG LOUSY MDCRE 0 LHB Peter Johansson POOR AVG AVG GOOD 0 CHB Ed Settera TRIFC GOOD MDCRE VGOOD 6 RHB Helmut Ruger MDCRE MDCRE POOR MDCRE 0 LBP Ted Tingle TRIFC VGOOD VGOOD TRIFC 5 FB Dietrich BonHoeffer TRIFC TRIFC VGOOD OUTST 5 RBP Larry Zeel GOOD VGOOD MDCRE GOOD 6 ROV Lynn StJames SUPRB GREAT GREAT GREAT 3 RKM Zack Wheat EXCPT EXCPT GREAT EXCPT 3 RKR Josef Mueller TRIFC TRIFC TRIFC VGOOD 5 IC1 Heinrich Strecker AVG POOR AVG MDCRE 0 IC2 Warmer Korper Ein PTHTC PTHTC PTHTC PTHTC 5 IC3 Warmer Korper Zwei PTHTC PTHTC PTHTC PTHTC 5 .. along with the same thing for your opponent's team (both of them will be in one file). Now, what the cable service will do for you is give you a central place to send your opponent's half of the file, and in return for sending your opponent's scouting report, you will receive all of the other scouting reports that other managers have sent to the cable service. Participation in the cable service has been quite good, so there's always a chance that the scouting report for your opponent next week will be included in the weekly cable service. ============ Fundamentals ============ 1) Participation in the cable service is entirely voluntary. You do not have to participate at all, and if you participate this week, you don't have to participate next week. 2) The cable service is not not not not not something that Munch handles. Do NOT send scout reports to Munch. Instead, send them to Dave, whose address is smithda@cder.fda.gov The cable service is completely independent of Munch. 3) If you send in your opponent's scouting report to the cable service, you will get all of the other scouting reports that have been mailed in for that week. This will include teams outside of your division. This can be especially instructive for new managers, since they will be able to see how Gold managers and other veteran managers structure their teams. ============ How to Participate ============ If you'd like to participate, this is what you need to do: after you have received your post-match scouting report from Munch, send an e-mail to smithda@cder.fda.gov with the Subject WMNX:youremailaddress (and if I get email from someone who takes the above Subject line literally, I'll mock you in my press). In the body of your message, include only your opponent's portion of the scouting report. Please do not send me anything with weirdo tabs or line breaks other than the ones in the original Munch message. I have to do this by hand, and it'll take much more time to get the cable together if your mailer thinks it's clever. Scouting reports will go out every Monday starting after the first match and continuing until the SPARF Cup. If your scouting report isn't in by the Monday morning deadline, then you'll have to wait until the following week or mooch the scouting report off of someone else. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The customary clanging gong and smoke cloud announced Venusia's arrival at The Mythstics' first Press Seance of the new season. The by now jaded journalistic presence, impatient for Ed's post-seance refreshments, posed a few token questions for head coach, the late Walt Dythney, channelled as ever by Venusia. "How do you rate your chances this season coach?" "As always whenever you enter this marvellous competition one of these many results will happen to you - the Circus Stars were too good but we hope to field a stronger lineup in future matches." "Are ya gonna win this week?" "You'll have to ask Venusia that - I just can't get the hang of those tea leaves." "Can you confirm or deny rumours that Commissioner Mel paid you a visit here in Antarctica earlier this year?" At this point Venusia shuddered, her eyes snapped into focus and she gave the questioner a beaming smile. "I'm afraid we'll have to finish there," she said, rising and disappearing in a cloud of smoke before anyone had a chance to question her further. The press descended on the food as Ed wheeled it in. "Say, how does Ed get the jam in these little round biscuity things?" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- This week shouldn't be as surprising as last week. We could probably even work out who we're playing and losing to ... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- A tyed gam. Dat iz da worstest furstest gam uv da C-zon dat we dun had en Sparf, sept uv cors 4 R furstest C-zon. Nut 2 mush 2 sa, butt wee ded lurn sumtin dis week. Donut go fe-ding PPP fude to da l'il Jo-E's uv da KKK. Maks a hol bunsh uv meses on da karpet. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Rockdale Radishes ------------------------------------------------------- Woah! What an initiation into the big time! The Radishes were absolutely mauled by the Maulers from Manix in the first game of the season. After one game the Radishes have already declared that they are looking towards next season. Head coach 'Big Radish' was asked for his thoughts following his team's first up embarrassment: "It's disappointing, but the one positive we can take from the game is that we now have some money in our bank account to pay those bills!" But unfortuntately for 'Big Radish' the players had blown the cash buying beer, cigarettes and strippers for the after match celebration. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS KICK OFF WITH WIN ASGARD: Car doors were slamming well into the wee hours in celebration of the Viking Raiders first up win over the Clerics. The Vikings' catering staff were well up to the challenge, vigorously turning the handles of the spits as pig carcasses were grilled to feed the jubilant hordes. "It was wonderful", claimed senior God Odin. "Second largest margin in the whole of Gold should see us start off on the right foot. There'll be a few more victory feasts here in Asgard this year, I can tell you." Head Honcho Uncle Steve was personally celebrating the mighty Bays' win in the first week of SANFL, and was not available for comment except for this short message to the Platypusses: "Ask manager Barry 'How about those Bloods?' before the game, that will send him scurrying off behind the shelter sheds and his whole game plan will be shot." GO YOU VIKINGS - How about those Bays, hey? ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- "Will take a narrow win over a narrow colon anytime.", confused the gushing, Dalgoda Shrek. The "LRY: PFP" managers have gone into the annual post-game-1 "LRY: We've Really Bollocksed It This Time meeting". No donuts were served. The fact that a shift in training direction only shows after four games doesn't help much. It's hard to train for the midseason after the first game. Undefeated so far! And we actually played a game! W L T 1 0 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!