------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- How humiliating! Our first win of the season, and all thanks to Munch creating random orders instead of my carefully honed team selections. Maybe I should just give up now? :( ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- This is LGGE, your station for all that's black... Welcome back, sports fans!! This is Garry Ablett with Tony Lockett as always reporting live from the game. Would you believe it?? The boys in Black, da BLACK COMPANY, did the unthinkable! They managed to beat the Mighty Giant Redwoods! That's right! A close win using backups in several key positions managed to lull the 'Woods into a false sense of security until that crazy guy, Vato Loco hit a career high 6 goals! Tony has more on this story. Tony?? "glug, glug, glug, thud........" Tony?? Well, folks, it looks like Tony had a wee bit too much Nighttrain and he has passed out. Not surprising considering it's the biggest win for the Black Company since being moved up to Gold just over 4 seasons ago. This team is simply, and totally lucky. Maybe the next game, the Lady will convince these jokers to play with their eyes opened. I guess the 'Woods also got distracted by the naked tree-huggers that kept running onto the field and disrupting the 'Woods game plan. The next game for the boys in black is the Viking Raiders. This might be a decent game, depending on whether or not the Black Company can keep the Vikings out from between the posts. Maybe a game in which will be decided by 3 goals or less. This is Garry Ablett for a comatose Tony Lockett, saying So Long from LGGE! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Melbourne Bloods ------------------------------------------------------- As if I've got time for press........ Too much work, too little time........ ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- The New Sturt Blues continue the media ban leading up to their impending premiership victory later this year. NSB: Game 99 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Obviously we're gunna miss Freddie Stone after he copped some pretty rough treatment from the Circus Stars (I know I've met these yobos in silver some years ago - have they changed names at some time?); but it has given Neil Daniher an oppurtunity to cut the oranges for half time. And if training is anything to go by - he'll do it well! Pretty soon we're gunna win one! (surely the opposition will lose all on-ballers to injuy early in the game one day!) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Another victory! But next week we face the undefeated Kangori. Too bad we had an injury. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- With a supposed home ground advantage of only 8 points, these odds are now probably only ludicrous. Hopefully they correspond to this week's matches, too. GOLD Victorian Mandarins --- v Christminster Clerics 10000/1 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 10000/1 v Giant Redwoods --- Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 4/5 v New Sturt Blues EVENS Petawawa Purple Platypi 2/1 v The Mythstics 4/11 Indiana Fire 1/25 v Buffalo Knights 16/1 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos --- v Newcastle Novas 10000/1 California Sluggers 1/40 v Uluru Dingoes 25/1 Viking Raiders 9/1 v Black Company 1/13 SILVER Krazy Kenora Kangari --- v CSUA 10000/1 Roxburgh Kittens 9/2 v Darwin Destroyers 1/6 Seren City Supers --- v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 10000/1 Sherwood Bandits 5/1 v Himeji Herons 1/7 Limboland Mists --- v Wallamaloo Philosophers 5000/1 BRONZE Nar Nar Goon --- v Winnipeg Rangers 10000/1 Warrnambool Sea Hawks --- v Melbourne Warriors 80/1 Melbourne Bloods 11/4 v Melbourne Yerns 1/4 Manix Maulers --- v Rockdale Radishes 1000/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- No time for lengthy press this week. (Did I hear some mutterings of "thank goodness"!?!?) Although we thought we mached up to our opposition fairly well (with the exception of Wonder Woman) last week, they beat us soundly. The team as a whole played very badly, with not a single player beating his direct opponent. At least Wonder Woman couldn't bean Lloydy's haul of 13 (real football news for the ignorant.) We hope that this was just our team getting cocky after our great start. We play our return game against the bandits this week, so we're thirsty for a repeat win and keep a hold on the #3 spot. Don't forget your footy tips! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Krazy Kenora Kangari ------------------------------------------------------- Bug, shmug. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- I can't believe I lost, and by that much! Clearly a ban on sex before the match is required. That, and no donuts during breaks. The Kittens have gotten too soft, and will have to train extra hard in the coming weeks if we're to get back to .500. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Knights fell by 4 goals again and the blame is clearly falling on the front lines. Coach Fonda was not impressed with performances by the forwards. "Those jokers couldn't score in a Las Vegas brothel on discount night." The abrasive comments, though born from frustration, hit the players especially hard. John Bachofen was overheard quietly sobbing into his locker. Rumor has it that a despondent John Biggerstaff was seen eyeing the wood chipper out back a little too closely. Even John DWJK was so sad he almost broke a dinner date with Neve Campbell. Indiana Fire is up next, hopefully they're all hurt or clumsy ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix Tribune-Sentinel-Globe-Herald: This week the Manix Maulers welcomed back Cliff Secord from his stay at The Manix Hospital For The Chronically Injured. "Yeah, we like to throw a celebration for Cliff each time he gets out of the hospital," said Hans Ravensburg. "His welcome back parties are why our blood alcohol level never ever falls below 0.2." Added Ravensburg, "Just think how much we'll be celebrating when he gets fed into the wood chipper next season." In other news, Manix Mauler press secretary Smilin' Pete Zinger responded to last week's comments (by occasional- Buffalo-Knight's-Head-Coach-and-only-very-occasionally-actress Bridget Fonda) that "coaching in Manix is career suicide". "Hey, Head Coach Lucy the Goat thinks that those comments by Bridget Fonda were reprehensible. It's a well-known fact that if one should want to commit career suicide, one would simply have to star in the movie 'In The Gloaming' and break up with Eric Stolz." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Ed passed the tape to Venusia. "Got another tape for ya, Venny". Venusia gratefully inserted the tape into the player, pressed play and waved her hand for silence. Since only she and Ed were in the Crypt, Ed shut his mouth with a snap and then watered his eyes mutely with the pain of biting his tongue. VOICE1: Er, ahum, some, ah, further developments, boss. VOICE2: About time. Show me what you've got. VOICE1: Well, ah, you, uh, recall that by correlating meteorological data with the, um, Commissioner's travel itinerary we, er, hypothesised that he had visited The Mythstics. VOICE2: Yeah, yeah, old news, mate. VOICE1: Computer, um, analysis of Commissioner, ah, Mel's behaviour since the hypothetical visit indicates a, um, small but significant change in his, er, personality. VOICE2: You mean postponing Viewsim, letting all those bugs slip through and spamming kibitz with tonnes of email? VOICE1: Well, I, ah, wouldn't have put it quite so, um, strongly but, um, that sort of thing, yes. VOICE2: Ever thought maybe the guy's just stressed out? God knows, running the world isn't easy... VOICE1: But wait, there's more. You, uh, see, we have, um, examined the results of The, ah, Mythstics' games to date and found an, er, alarming discrepancy. VOICE2: Yeah? VOICE1: They seem to be, um, performing at approximately 231.4% of their potential. VOICE2: But didn't they lose 2 from 3? VOICE1: Er, um, yes, but they should have lost by more, lots more. VOICE2: Are you suggesting that The Mythstics have somehow bought the Commissioner? VOICE1: Um, not exactly. Our, er, analysis suggests something a little more sinister. We think that they have, um, er, re... Venusia stabbed the pause button. "Ed, get down to the freezer and check on our...guest. And double security down there." Reaching for her crystal ball she added, "I don't want to be disturbed." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Oh dear. An injured mobile. Well, we know it happens, but there goes the chances of the Novas scraping together their first win this week ... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Air-Pacific Groundhogs ------------------------------------------------------- There was no joy in Mudville, for Mighty Casey did strike out. This is KUOP, severing the Central Valley and Mother Lode areas. _______________________________________________________________ Get Free Email and Do More On The Web. Visit http://www.msn.com ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- A Ween. Wee lik Weens. 2 doze in da No, dat nut so gud. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS TOO BUSY FOR PRESS OSLO: Head honcho Uncle Steve was far too busy to talk to reporters as he is spending the week preparing for the Glenelg vs. Real Sturt Blues clash at Adelaide Oval on Friday night. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- Undefeated so far! It's Fresh and Exciting! Try some today! You can't go wrong! W L T 3 0 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!