------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- Welcome back to LGGE your station for all that is Black. Hello all you SPARF fans! This is Garry Ablett with Tony Lockett as always coming to you with the week in review! Well Tony, that wasn't a very good game was it?? Garry, what you have to realize is that the Black Company is not a real power team. The team's strength is to confuse and baffle their opponents long enough to score a few points and keep the ball under their control to prevent the other team from scoring. The boys in Black's problem with the Clowns is basicly, the Circus Stars are in a constant state of confusion and bafflement. It's REAL hard to confuse that team because the Stars are normally like that. So the score wasn't unexpected, Tony?? I must admit, I was wrong about the score. Ok, so the Clowns almost doubled the Black's goal total. I don't think that it's anything to be ashamed of. ESPECIALLY after seeing those jokers going into the worst part of Los Angeles, "borrowing" the Crack Dealers's ummm supplies, and a few TV Sets, and running all the way to Manix to sell the "borrowed" items for 20 kegs of stolen "Buffalo Bitter". Well, how about this week against the PPP?? Garry, After seeing the PPP start the season off with a tie and the injuries the team as recieved in the last week, I would say that the Company has about a 45% chance of pulling off an upset. I would say the game will be within 30 points. There you have it folks! That's all the time we have for now. This is Garry Ablett, for Tony Lockett, saying So Long from Khatovar! This has been a LGGE production. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- The Christminster football club released an offical statement from management and coaching staff stating (amongst other things) that "1999 would be seen as year to build, and it was time our fans realised that we would not be contending the flag this year!" end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- Another win. We've got more wins than losses! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- GOLD Victorian Mandarins 1/5 v Indiana Fire 4/1 Giant Redwoods 1/19 v Newcastle Novas 15/1 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/15 v California Sluggers 12/1 Black Company 13/8 v Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/2 Buffalo Knights 2/5 v Christminster Clerics 2/1 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 6/1 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 1/8 Uluru Dingoes 7/4 v New Sturt Blues 4/9 Viking Raiders EVENS v The Mythstics 8/11 SILVER Darwin Destroyers 300/1 v Krazy Kenora Kangari --- Seren City Supers 4/5 v CSUA 4/5 Wallamaloo Philosophers EVENS v Roxburgh Kittens 8/11 Limboland Mists --- v Sherwood Bandits 400/1 Himeji Herons 1/16 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 13/1 BRONZE Melbourne Warriors 10000/1 v Nar Nar Goon --- Melbourne Bloods 1/90 v Winnipeg Rangers 66/1 Silicon Valley Angels 1/4 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks 13/4 Rockdale Radishes 100/1 v Manix Maulers --- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- Bah, humbug. Thankfully I don't really have time to write press this week, so the Kittens can be quickly forgotten. The Herons are looking forward to an injury-free (please!) GROUNDHOG DAY. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- Beat the Herons, so clearly the team had a desire to win. Next up is the Philosophers, powerful opponents. A few more adjustments may be needed in the lineups, to take advantage of some of the rookies improvements. If we're lucky, Wallamaloo will have suffered injuries to key players, and we'll be able to move to a 4-2 record. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The beaten and bruised Knights suffered yet another setback, as they followed up their two-mobiles-hurt game with a five-injury game against the Technocrats. Coach Fonda wasn't surprised by the loss. "On paper we may be better than the Lumpurs but when you've got open wide gaping holes in your defense because every player is hurt, well...you're not going to win many games against Gold-caliber foes." In publicity news, The Buffalo Free Times Press Chronicle Herald Gazette hoster a press conference for actress Neve Campbell. It seems the star has been mentioned and allegedly seen in several cities of late and she wanted to clear up any confusion. In town for the christening of the new Amazing Lower Buffalo Infomercial News Observatory, she commented on recent events. "I travel around promoting my show and movies," she conceded, "but Buffalo is the real town and a real scream. Some really wild things go on in this city; the others are just in a panic to join the party." Ms. Campbell then took the ceremonial bottle of champagne and tossed it into the wood chipper out back. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix News Digest: At a hastily assembled press conference late yesterday afternoon, the Manix Maulers' press secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, responded to developments surrounding an unexpected Victorian Mandarins press release. "Hey, the Mandarins kinda messed up our continuity last week by sending in a press release. We're used to having our press releases appear immediately underneath the folly that passes for Buffalo press. If the Mandarins are going to insist on writing press, we strongly suggest that they change their names to The Victorian ZZZZZZers or the Victorian Aaron A. Aaronsons. "Smilin' Pete, there have been reports of Manix-sanctioned assassination attempts on Tony Lockett since his comments about Manix last week. What do you have to say about that? Also, is there any connection between Manix and the disappearance of that horrid Glowing Golden Eye Thing?" "Hey, look, I can't possibly comment on all of our assassination attempts on Tony Lockett since those comments last week. For some reason, he won't accept our generous invitation to visit Manix alone, with no witnesses, either. And the Eye Thing? Hey, I forgot about that!" Smilin' Pete then concluded by deferring questions to the Chairman of the Manix Foundation for Doing Unspeakable Things to Color Commentators Who Don't Know When to Shut Up. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- Madame Venusia fingered the tape gingerly before slotting it into her walkman and pressing play. Ed strained his ears to listen and found that by imagining he was was a horse he could hear most of the tape despite Venusia using her headphones. VOICE1: Um, jeez, er, boss, are you all right? VOICE2: mumble mumble mumble VOICE1: The, ah, doctor's said I shouldn't, er, excite you boss. VOICE2: mumble mumble mumble VOICE1: Yes, er, the Press Seance, ah, hmm, but how could they control a meteor and, ah, still be losing most of, um, their games? VOICE2: mumble mumble mumble VOICE1: An offer she can't, ah, defuse? VOICE2: mumble VOICE1: Oh, ah, refuse. Gotcha boss, yeah. Venusia glared at Ed. "Ed, cancel this week's Press Seance. And turn off the landing lights. We don't want any visitors dropping in unannounced. And bring me the crystal ball..." ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Hey! What's going on here? The Circus Stars have barely shown up for their first five games, and taking a quick look at the standings they find themselves 5-0. The Victoria Mandarins are also 5-0, proving without a shadow of a doubt that British Columbia, Canada is _the_ hotbed of quality sparf teams. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Watt zup wit al D en geries? We dun havad mor treeps 2 da hoss pit al dis yeer dan we dun havad en a nee udder yeer al red E. Diss iz nut gud. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- We faced a tough opponent and lost a mobile. Not even a record breaking amount of field rejuggling can make up for those facts. Next we face the Gold Soft Cushion followed by the infinitely variable Men In Black Eye. If we pull that one out I don't seen any problems with the record until the Top O' Gold kicks our pasty white hineys. The streak has ended! News at eleven! W L T 4 1 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!