------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- Spending a year building up your team is not much fun. This had better payoff next season! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- Welcome back to LGGE your home for all that is Black! Welcome back! This is Garry Ablett, with Tony Lockett as always with this week's wrap-up of the boys in black! How about that game, Tony?? Well Garry, this weeks game against the PPP was a hard fought match. The black boys had alot of trouble trying to figure out just what the ducks in purple were saying. Because of the difficulty in understanding, two players, Vato Loco and Russell Morris, collided and both would eventully have to leave the match. Despite losing the two, the Black Company pulled out a victory out. Is that all you are going to say?? Garry, there is one more thing about that match. John Parsinen set a team record for most defgoods in a game. He broke the old mark by 5. What about the up comming match against the Yobbos, Tony?? Just what IS a Yobbo, Garry?? I've never figured it out. It might be a good game, even with a player or two missing. It could be a 5 goal match. Well, I gues--- Hold on a second Garry. I DO have something to say about the Manix Foundation for Doing Unspeakable Things to Color Commentators Who Don't Know When to Shut Up. Are you guys kidding me?? That "Trip to Manix" as they called it, was an attempt to get someone foolish enough to fly the Manix Airline at full fare. If these guys want me to come, I want a FIRST CLASS ticket on any other airline to Manix. Oh wait, I forgot. No other airline GOES to Manix, my mistake. hehehe As for the Golden Eye, well during the off-season, the Lady sold it to the Colombia Broadcasting System for $4.8 trillion. Unfortunatly, that translates into about $6 Sparf. However, it the Boys in Black manage to have a winning record AND a % 100 or better, they will get the Eye back. However, when CBS sents back the Eye, both CBS and, I don't know why, Buffalo Knights will retain the right to use Neve Campbell in all broadcasts to annoy Manix in perpetuty. If the Black Company has a better record than Manix, then CBS will cough up another $5 trillion. When the Management complained that Manix was in Bronze, CBS was reported as saying, "Deal with it". Back to you Garry. Ummm well, this is Garry Ablett for Tony Lockett saying So long from Khatovar! This has been a LGGE production. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- NEW UNLEY: Blues Vs Mandarins: Match of the Round? Well, things are starting to come together. Wins over quality opponents in the last two rounds have boosted confidence at the club and with no injuries, this round should be a doosie! The Mandarins should start favourite, but I'm sure we'll give them a run for their money. And then next week.... the Hungry Jacks Cup. (Barring injuries, it should be a whitewash though. Sorry Steve.) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Another week, and another loss. King Sunny was seen looking throught the employment section of saturday's paper during the game. The club insists they are 100% supportive of the coaching staff! end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- oops we shouldn't have crowed about our previous win. now we got a loss and injuries added to the insult! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- With four Dingo starters, including two mobiles, off injured this week, the Clerics have their best opportunity yet for a win. Violins, please. GOLD Victorian Mandarins 1/3 v New Sturt Blues 5/2 The Mythstics 6/1 v Giant Redwoods 1/8 Indiana Fire 7/2 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 2/9 Petawawa Purple Platypi 1/11 v Newcastle Novas 8/1 Buffalo Knights 11/2 v California Sluggers 1/7 Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 4/9 v Black Company 7/4 Uluru Dingoes 1/33 v Christminster Clerics 25/1 Viking Raiders 4/6 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 5/4 SILVER Roxburgh Kittens EVENS v Seren City Supers 4/5 CSUA 2/7 v Darwin Destroyers 11/4 Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/50 v Himeji Herons 33/1 Sherwood Bandits 11/4 v Wallamaloo Philosophers 2/7 Air-Pacific Groundhogs 1000/1 v Limboland Mists --- BRONZE Warrnambool Sea Hawks 4/5 v Melbourne Bloods EVENS Winnipeg Rangers 4/5 v Melbourne Warriors EVENS Manix Maulers 1/19 v Silicon Valley Angels 16/1 Melbourne Yerns 1/4 v Rockdale Radishes 3/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The past week is what is known as "Golden Week" in Japan - a succession of public holidays combine with the weekend to make nearly a full week off. The week started with a true Groundhog Day - waking up in the morning to check the SPARF results, only to find ... none. The following morning brought with it ... the same. And the next .... Finally when the results came through, bliss. We were very happy to see both the Supers and the Kittens win, both of whom have chalked up wins against the Herons. Losses would have meant their opponents were better, and thus also better than the Herons. This way, we still have a chance. Our original goal for the season was to win five games, but with nine games to go, we've decided to up the goal to getting our kachi-koshi (winning record), which will mean another four wins. We will play four different teams over the next four weeks. First up is the KKK in a match where our full-backs Justin Fletcher and Tony Stark return as the two strongest defenses in Silver do battle. Expect a relatively low-scoring affair, but we're still gonna get KKKaned. If we can do better than the Destroyers did last week, we'll be happy. Statistically we've been having a W-L-W-L pattern - we're due for a loss this week anyway, and therefore due to pick up a win against the CSUA the following week. Our other 3 wins we hope to get from the Philosophers (twice), and the Destroyers for our eighth. All respective teams are asked for their co-operation. Last week the scores in our game were almost identical to the previous week (but the result reversed) - 95-158 and 158-96. Gaijin Da made it into the top 10 goal scorers with a 7 goal haul, and Rookie Kitty Chan managed to score another 2 - bringing her tally for the year to 3. Wakari Nikui also had a chance to bag a ton, but instead managed 2.7. That's what you get for putting a defender on the ball. *sigh* Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- The Kittens manage to make it to 4-2! We've got some leeway before we fall to below .500, now. SPARF CUP here we come! (Yes, the champagne has been flowing freely. Why do you ask?) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Buffalo Knights' walking wounded racked up a couple more fatalities this week, but not before overcoming a game Clerics team. The Knights would have received immediate medical treatment after the game but all of the staff in the Buffalo Honorable And Prompt E/R were busy lancing a boil on Tony Lockett that was described in the media only as being "somewhere on his person". In local news, besides the Knights losing-streak breaking victory, Manix Maulers' GM Smilin' Pete Zinger was arrested for public indecency in Buffalo. The ever-smiling Pete was found, naked, swimming in a water fountain in Buffalo City Park. Not alone, of course, Pete was in the presence of a woman, also naked, who specializes being in the company of a young man for a short while. When asked by the authorities what he thought he was doing in the fountain, Smilin' Pete only replied, "The backstroke." Smilin' Pete was arraigned in Buffalo's Extremely Superior Court on charges of lewd conduct, grossly lewd conduct (if you've seen Pete naked you know what we mean), solicitation (of an 'actress'), one count of contamination of the Wonderful Buffalo Water Table, charges of creating a disturbance and also one felony charge of performance of a performance art in public without a performance art license. In team news, John DWJK is recovering from knee surgery in the Aspen hacienda of Neve Campbell, where the actress is personally applying copious amounts of TLC and warmth. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- An interview excerpt from the Manix Sensationalist Manix Sensationalist: Today we're pleased to have with us Dr. X, famous conspiracy theorist, psychic and kung fu master. If I may, Dr. X, let's get right to the point. What's the deal with Neve Campbell. Please tell us your theories. Dr. X: I've seen a lot written about Neve Campbell recently. Most of it revolves around the fact that she's going to kiss another chick on Party of Five this week. But where is the real Neve Campbell? This is an important question. MS: Indeed. DX: Let me just say that Neve Campbell is dead. Yes, dead. Or at least frozen in Manix. This contradicts reports that we've been hearing from Buffalo recently. MS: Shocking. DX: Actress Neve Campbell is actually William Campbell of the Ontario Provincial Police. Neve Campbell was kidnapped by Manix scientists in 1998 because it would annoy the Buffalo Knights. The Knights had a Neve Campbell lookalike contest shortly thereafter, but the intention was to actually use the winner to play the role of Neve Campbell as needed. Bill Campbell was the winner and he's been the fake Neve Campbell ever since. MS: I see that this press release will mention Neve Campbell nearly as often as a Knights' press release. DX: Shut up. The Beatles actually knew this Neve Campbell conspiracy. If you look at the album cover of Sgt. Pepper, and if you hold a penknife up to the drum just right, it says: 1 ONE 1 X SHE <> FROZEN IN MANIX and the <> points to Neve Campbell whose hiding behind Paul. Also, in Yellow Submarine, the lyrics are Sky of Blue, Sea of Ice Cubes, in the land of Freezer Burn MS: That's a dead giveaway, isn't it? DX: Duh. Also, at the end of Strawberry Fields, you can hear Ringo say "I Froze Neve Campbell Because I Was Getting Sick of Buffalo Mentioning Her in Their Press Releases." MS: I thought he says "cran.. berry.. sauce" or maybe even "I.. buried.. Paul." DX: No, you're not listening carefully. Finally, in the song "Yesterday", the lyrics are frequently misunderstood. Most would say that the line is "I believe in yesterday". But it's actually "Icy Neve's on ice today." MS: Interesting line, if a bit redundant. You have conclusively demonstrated to world that Neve Campbell is actually frozen in Manix and that Buffalo players have been dating a guy for over a year. Thank you so much for clearing this up Dr. X. DX: Thanks. I definitely have far too much time on my hands. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ------------------------------------------------------- The Mythstics' Press Seance was nearly over. Coach Walt had listed some feeble excuses for the continued losing streak; Venusia had muttered about "Mythdock" and "umpiring"; and the press bellies were rumbling in anticipation when Ed suddenly burst into the Crypt waving his arms wildly. "Venny, come quick! Mel...ah, the Com...," Ed blinked, squinted at the assembled media and scratched his head. "Um, I mean, our guest is missing." Venusia smiled at him. "Ah, Ed, you are just in time to assist with the unveiling..." She clapped her hands and a large shrouded shape appeared beside her on the rostrum. "Ladies and gentlemen, a tribute from The Mythstics to our beloved Sparf Commissioner!" With Ed's awkward assistance she removed the shroud to reveal an uncannily life-like ice sculpture of Sparf Commissioner Mel Nicholson. The Press contingent clapped politely, Venusia vanished in a cloud of smoke and a rather bemused Ed served cups of tea all round. It was only when Ed was sweeping the floor after everyone had gone that he noticed the funny looking parcel shoved under one of the back seats. "Golly, what's this? Hmm, must be a clock or something with that ticking sound it's making. Say, sure is heavy. Wonder who left it there? I'd better just..." BOOM! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Port Coquitlam Circus Stars ------------------------------------------------------- Snippets from the Circus Star press release: With six weeks gone, the Circus Stars find themselves undefeated, yet in second place behind the Victoria Mandarins... Whereas the Circus Stars used to be a young, unskilled, reckless bunch of misguided punks, the current squad are aging has-beens whose anecdotes invariably start with "rembember when"... Six-year veteran and original Circus Star member Hip Czech hip-checked himself right out of last weeks game and into the emergency ward, where his extended hospital coverage included sponge-bathing by several young nurses. He is not expected to 'Czech' himself out anytime soon... A very close game last week versus the California Sluggers, who showed up with baseball bats and took out several Circus Star players before Dancing Elephant got irate and sat on the whole Sluggers team... ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- A nudder 1 dat wuz nut 2 gud. Weez iz da PPP and We dun got PPP'd bi D udder teem. Da dun mak me wanna PP. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Rockdale Radishes ------------------------------------------------------- A fantastic effort by the Radishes last week produced a nail-biting game between Rockdale and the highly-fancied Manix Maulers. It was close all day, but Manix just managed to scrape home in the last quarter to win by 274 points. The final scoreline wasn't a true indication of the closeness of this match. Head coach Big Radish was asked for his comments after the game: " A magnificent effort by the boys to stick with them for three and a half quarters only to let the game slip away in the last 10 minutes. Obviously our fitness contributed to the loss, and also the fact that we're really crap may have had something to do with it. It would have been nice to reach a double figured score, but I'm sure we will value the single goal we scored, more than Manix will appreciate the 43 that they kicked! " It is believed that match fixing may be involved. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS WRITE PRESS BEFORE DEADLINE OSLO: Uncle Steve is chuffed at having written his Press *_BEFORE_* the deadline for the first week in ages. "I knew it would make the headlines", he commented, "but I'm sorry it's so lame, I couldn't think of anything better to write." Oh well... better Press next week. GO YOU MIGHTY VIKINGS! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- The Yobbos face quite a challenge in the Black Company. Even though we have an ace stored in Beer Locker #6, behind the Sharks off-season ice rink (Venusia isn't the only one who can sling a mean highball) the team has been musing thought full over their post-practice tipples, visions of game tapes doing the conga. Scott 'Mushroom Cloud' Emery has been directing his cadre of coaches to keep his team focused on the next game. More tapes, more drills, more scandals pinched from SPARF Social magazine, any thing to prevent our fenians from taking in the bigger picture, defocus beyond, beyond to the Mandarins. Next week, while the Yobbos pummel the hapless Clerics, their heart won't be in the game. Next week the thousand yard stares will not bend to infamous underhanded coaching tricks. next week the Yobbos will be playing in the future. Defending the Legendary Lung Hung, weaving and dodging around the famous Fat Choy and the enigmatic Arthur, scoffing at Li Hua. Next week the Yobbos opponents will not be on the field, but in their dreams. Undefeated so far! Black Company looming! W L T 5 1 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!