------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- I'd rather read interesting Press than attempt to write it :) ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the The Black Company ------------------------------------------------------- Welcome back to the LGGE, your station for all that is Black! HEEEELLLLLOOOOO Sparf fans! This is Garry Ablett with Tony Lockett coming to you live from Khatovar! Well, Tony, how about THAT match. It looked like the Boys might pull that one out. Yes, Garry, the Black Company lost a close one to the Yobbos. I think the difference came in the final seconds when the Yobbos managed to make a public service announcement that there was a minor leak of nuclear waste coming from the Lawrence Livermore Lab causing the Company to panic allowing the Yobbos to score the winning goal. A nuclear leak?? You mean to tell me the boys in black fell for THAT old trick?? Well Garry, there are only a few players left on that team that the Yobbos pulled that trick on. Russell Morris, Slippery Jones, Dava Astashun, and Maginot Line are the only players left who remember that game, although, I'm not really sure just how much Slipp remembers nowadays. What about this week's game, Tony? The game this week is against the Buffalo Knights. Now I must say that it WASN"T A boil they were removing, it was a hernia operation caused when the knights dropped John Spleen on my foot. The game should be a good one, about a 3 goal difference. Thank you Tony! This is Garry Ablett, for Tony Lockett, saying So Long from Khatovar! This has been a LGGE production. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- New Unley: Blues Prepare for Hungry Jacks Cup '99 (insert preamble about how the Hungry Jacks Cup came into being) It's over 10 years since Uncle Steve of the Vikings first showed me how to slap my meat between two buns in the kitchens of Hungry Jacks, Hindley Street, Adelaide. Several years ago, when the Blues were stuck in Silver for some unfathomable reason, the Master and his former apprentice locked their teams in combat on the cyber field for the first time. Despite having a vastly inferior team, the Vikings have managed to win more of these battles than the Blues, but this is a new year, and the Blues will not let the wearers of black and gold stand in their way. Besides, we have a secret weapon this year (alka seltzer). Damn, that's not going to be a secret any more. But we have another weapon as well, which will see a messy end for the Vikings. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- Training will be held in the Christminister arms all this week, consisting only of intensive elbow work. Even Old Superstars Sly Stone and Wah Wah Watson have had the local Ale put in their hospital food. "Sure we're gunna miss these blokes next week; but who the hell cares, we got four points!" was all King Sunny contributed to the post match press conference. end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- GOLD Victorian Mandarins 1/25 v The Mythstics 20/1 Indiana Fire 1/4 v Giant Redwoods 3/1 Port Coquitlam Circus Stars --- v Newcastle Novas 300/1 California Sluggers 4/5 v Petawawa Purple Platypi EVENS Buffalo Knights 6/1 v Black Company 1/8 Christminster Clerics 40/1 v Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 1/60 Uluru Dingoes 2/9 v Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 7/2 Viking Raiders 9/1 v New Sturt Blues 1/11 SILVER Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/40 v Wallamaloo Philosophers 25/1 Seren City Supers 1/80 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 60/1 Roxburgh Kittens 9/2 v Limboland Mists 1/6 CSUA EVENS v Himeji Herons 4/5 Darwin Destroyers 2/7 v Sherwood Bandits 3/1 BRONZE Nar Nar Goon 1/11 v Silicon Valley Angels 9/1 Melbourne Bloods 2/9 v Melbourne Yerns 7/2 Warrnambool Sea Hawks 1/15 v Rockdale Radishes 12/1 Melbourne Warriors 2500/1 v Manix Maulers --- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- So near, yet so far! The Herons came to within a kick of the upset of the season. It was an interesting contrast between the two teams - our mobiles got trashed (14 goals to 4), but our position players beat the KKK's, particularly across half-forward. If only Che Collins return of 0.2 from 4 shots had included a goal .... *sigh* But don't worry folks, we're not letting it go to our heads. We're well aware that getting this close was a complete fluke and we're prepared to get thrashed in the rematch in another 4 weeks time. However, with close to a full-strength team featuring the ever-cute Kitty Chan next week, perhaps the CSUA had better watch out. We're hoping.... It was a similar story with the mighty Dons humbled in real football, but fortunately most of the other top teams also fell. I don't feel so bad about getting only 2 tips right last week. I don't care if you forget to put your SPARF orders in (Silver, please do!), but don't evven dare to forget to get your tips in! In other news, Wakanohana picked up his second win (2-0) in the current sumo tournament. Brother Takanohana is not competing - out from his shoulder injury, but that didn't stop him from racking up 2 marks and 6 defgoods, playing at centre against the KKK. Chris Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Roxburgh Kittens ------------------------------------------------------- A loss, probably a result of the rather silly idea of using rookies to defend. Woops. Well, we'll quickly put a stop to that, and see what he can do about plastering Gary McDonald up and putting his old bones back onto the pitch. .500 here we come! ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Buffalo Knights', still without their best non-mobile scorer, lost a narrow one to a good team of Sluggers. Although many Knights complained after the game about the amount of slugging done, it seems the league isn't going to suspend anyone after video review. Returning to the lineup are a happy John Salma and John Cree, but for different reasons. John Cree is happy because as an old vet he knows his time in Buffalo is limited - After that, it's to the woodchipper. For John Salma, he's especially happy since he learned that if the Knights finish in the top 6 the team will get a special visit from Catherine Zeta-Jones. "Hell, how can I not want that? We gotta start winning some games!" While Salma obsessed about Catherine, the rest of the team was busy in training and trying to ignore the investigation surrounding the wonderful Neve Campbell. Reports continue to pour in from Manix that Neve Campbell is a) dead b) frozen c) dead and frozen d) still sexier dead than most women alive e) still sexier frozen than most women alive f) still sexier dead and frozen than most women alive Continued recon missions deep into the heart of Manix' Poetry District have thus far been fruitless. At this point, we're all left to wonder about the Manix propaganda and the truth it conceals. Hopefully, if Neve Campbell is dead or frozen (or dead and frozen) something can be done to help her get away from those goofy Mauler fans. Locally, the Knights next match up against the Black Company. Gary Ablett and Tony Lockett were seen sneaking about the Buffalo practice facility, but it turns out after investigation the two men were entirely different guys, Gary Lockett and Tony Ablett, so the Buffalo Imperial Police released the two suspects. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Victorian Mandarins ------------------------------------------------------- On the seventh week, the Mandarins rested. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- From the pages of the Manix News Digest: At a hastily assembled press conference late yesterday afternoon, the Manix Maulers' press secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, responded to the usual human rights violations surrounding the Maulers' mid-season. "Smilin' Pete were you in the Buff.. alo?" [Snickers all around.] "Hey, they told me that that's what you wear when you go out with John Spleen's MOTHER." [Howls of derisive laughter.] "Smilin' Pete, did Manix have anything to do with the recently reported bomb detonated at a Mythstics press conference? We're all curious, considering that the new Manix Ministry of Bomb Factory Construction just announced the opening of 45 new factories across Manix." "Hey, it wasn't us. We love the Mythstics. In fact, this week we're temporarily changing our name to the Man-ysthcs Maulyrths out of a show of support or whatever. Like the Olde Man-ysthcs Saying goes, "if you can't invade them because your satellites don't know where they are, change your name so they don't suspect you when someone sneaked in explosives to their press conferences." I did a cross-stitch of that one in camp once. True story! "How did Manix manage to come back in the last 10 minutes of their match with the Radishes?" "Hey, easy question. Coach Lucy decided it was time to pass out the epinephrine. It was touch and go. Unfortunately, Big Radish himself machine-gunned down three of our starters. We were impressed by that coaching manuever and he's going to speak at a clinic in Man-ysthcs later this season. In the meantime, we machine-gunned down some Angels this past week. I don't know if we did it correctly though." Smilin' Pete then concluded by deferring questions to Amber Dempsey, winner of the Li'l Miss Manix Bombmakers Guild beauty pageant, for girls aged 7 and under. Ms. Dempsey and those reporters who lingered failed to notice the suspicious-looking parcel hidden in the speaker's podium. Although the Manix Bombmakers Guild insisted that it was not their bomb that caused the blast, they reported that they "couldn't be more proud of Amber Dempsey's last act in office." Namely, being blown up in such a spectacular manner. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Petawawa Purple Platypi ------------------------------------------------------- Da Slugs iz nekst. Weez haz U zu Al Lee dun gud wit da Sluggah's, but deyz iz bak un der waa 2 da top agin. Lassed gam uv da furs haf uv da C-zon, weez iz nut win in az mush az wee shud. Loopy Creature PPP ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS CONCERN WITH CUP OSLO: This week the Viking Raiders Head Honcho, Urban Legend and All-Round Good-Guy Uncle Steve expressed concern about the format of the upcoming Hungry Jack's Cup match with Manager Barry's New Sturt Blues. "Why should it be a 'winner takes all' affair?", he asked. "I think it should be handicapped. Whichever team does better than the predicted result should be declared the winner and get the free cheeseburgers". When quizzed about a suitable handicap for this week's match, he replied "Sturt by 20 goals, and if the Vikings manage to come closer by 10 goals then they ought to get two cups. Plus get double beef in the burgers." Regardless of the outcome of the match, Uncle Steve is likely to play down the match as unimportant. "What really matters is the relative positions of Glenelg and Sturt on the SANFL premiership ladder. How about those Bays, hey?" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos ------------------------------------------------------- So close and yet we walk away with the the victory and NO CASUALTIES! No crackling tendons, no joints at odd angles, nothing in the body bag. We need to waltz through stay-puf land with our intact selves. Despite these simple objectives the squad is squinting at the horizon. They are practicing with an intensity that that first cold one would not seem to merit. The Budweiser pinups have been supplanted (presumably temporarily) with strategies and systems. The large squad is clearing their minds. As subtle as this change can be, the intensity makes it difficult to breathe. Speculative and theoretical SPARF is the sole topic of the "LRY: Post game beer buffer". Digger 'Archy' Harkness and Evoe Iahoe, Dawn Morningstar and Shikoto 'ga' nai, the old-timers, gather in. Maybe this is the year. The next five games will tell this season's story. The next five games... such a short span of time to tell the story of the last four years, the flaw in judgement that kept us out of contention... May *still* keep us out of contention, the patient rebuilding, the end of one experiment, the return to another, The ebb and flow of the Livermore Rowdy Yobbos: Perpetual Flux Plan, if this game results in no injuries, culminating in the face of the Mandarins in game 9. A young man on the top of Lombard St. at 7:15 am, watching the young professionals in their slim and natty suits slide their vehicular declarations of their lifestyle on to the treacherous and tilted cobblestones of the steep and twisty street, with his foot automatically testing the lubrication and glide of his land-locked board, plotting his course taps into the same stream of nervous tension that has the local team in it's tenuous grip. The streak has ended! Long live the streak! W L T 6 1 0 Support your local team! Go Rowdy Yobbos!