------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Sherwood Bandits ------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the New Sturt Blues ------------------------------------------------------- NEW UNLEY: Week of gloating comes to an end. 88 points. A nice winning margin by which to snatch back the Hungry Jacks Cup. Looking on the bright side, the Vikings did better against us than the Mandarins. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Christminster Clerics ------------------------------------------------------- It will be good to have Tuff Guy back in the fray; with an injury free week, we'll be just two players short of our best 18! With the mystics having a pretty physical game last week; the town (christminster) is pumped up expected yet another win.... end ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Uluru Dingoes ------------------------------------------------------- GOLD Livermore Rowdy Yobbos 6/4 v Victorian Mandarins 4/7 Giant Redwoods 2/1 v Uluru Dingoes 2/5 Viking Raiders 13/1 v Port Coquitlam Circus Stars 1/16 Petawawa Purple Platypi 4/9 v Buffalo Knights 15/8 New Sturt Blues 1/11 v Black Company 9/1 Christminster Clerics 2/1 v The Mythstics 2/5 Kuala Lumpur Technocrats 14/1 v Indiana Fire 1/17 Newcastle Novas 13/1 v California Sluggers 1/16 SILVER Seren City Supers 11/2 v Krazy Kenora Kangari 1/7 CSUA EVENS v Roxburgh Kittens 8/11 Sherwood Bandits 7/2 v Darwin Destroyers 2/9 Wallamaloo Philosophers 1/5 v Air-Pacific Groundhogs 4/1 Himeji Herons 4/1 v Limboland Mists 1/5 BRONZE Melbourne Bloods 13/1 v Nar Nar Goon 1/16 Winnipeg Rangers 100/1 v Warrnambool Sea Hawks --- Manix Maulers --- v Melbourne Warriors 500/1 Silicon Valley Angels 1/6 v Melbourne Yerns 5/1 ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Himeji Herons ------------------------------------------------------- The Herons stamped their authority over last weeks game, scoring their highest score so far this season in their win over the CSUA, and in so doing, consolidated their hold on the number 3 spot. This was helped by the Supers' loss to the Groundhogs. Interestingly enough, both the 'Hogs and the Bandits have achieved their only wins against the Supers. What's going on? Are the Supers resting their key players? While the Herons are looking forward to their rematch with the Supers, their minds are focused solely on this week's loss to the Mists. According to head coach, Kevin Shady, the Mists are the true powerhouse of the Silver league, not the KKK. Not only do they have a sturdy defense, they have an incredible (by Silver standards) forward line that the Herons will find impossible to stop. "If we can keep them to less than 160 and still be within 4 or 5 goals, I'll be extremely happy", Shady was reported as saying. Regardless, the Heron's should be able to stay at number 3 for one more week as the Supers play the undefeated KKK this week, while the CSUA and the Kittens replay their opening 2-point encounter. In other news, Wakano Hana was criticised this week for playing SPARF. It was accused that his SPARFing has taken away from his Sumo results - after winning his opening two bouts, he has managed to win only one since. There may be some truth in this as his latest loss came as he launched into a speccy over his opponent. Mysteriously, he came down clutching a football and was subsequently paid a (black) mark. Investigations are continuing. Meanwhile, the Herons' camp was rife with rumour this week as Kitty "isn't she lovely" Chan was again absent from the field. According to the rumour, Kitty Chan is so disappointed at losing the Neve Campbell look-alike contest to William Campbell that she's now ashamed to show her (ever so cute) face in public. Officials dismissed the rumours as "ludicrous", "absurd" and "jumping onto the Neve Campbell bandwagon". Don't forget to get your footy tips in, although I don't know why I bother. Last week there was something wrong with the site and I was unable to tip against the mighty Dons - the first time I've wanted to do so this year. Maybe there's a message in there for me .... Chris "What?! Me, crank?!" Paragreen Manager, Himeji Herons "Gambaroh Himeji! Hustle! Hustle! Hustle!" ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Buffalo Knights ------------------------------------------------------- The Buffalo Knights almost missed this week's press conference as the team was riveted to the locker-room television in hopes of watching the announced satellite wedding (performed by ordained minister Neve Campbell) of Manix' Smilin' Pete Zinger and Laura Schwendinger. As it turns out, it was not Laura Schwendinger at all, but rather Maulers mobile Zack Wheat in a wedding gown. (ick) While no one got to see Ms. Campbell and confirm that she is neither dead nor frozen (nor dead and frozen), reports from Johns Hopkins confirm that Laura Schwendinger has bipolar disorder and doctors can't make heads or tails of her. (Get it, bipolar - heads, tails....aw, forget it) In Knights News, what was expected to be a close game with the Black Company turned into a hefty 9 goal victory. Buffalo Manager and Owner and Trainer Bridget Fonda complimented her mobiles. "When your mobiles kick 22 and 2, that's pretty damn good. Any time you can get 90% kicking or better, you're gonna win some games. In fact, a lot of games." Buffalo rookies John Sorvino and John Shania, anticipating this week's matchup vs. the PPP and the Loopy Creature have prepared the following press release. "Dat 1 wuz gud 4 uz. D udder teem iz gud but wez gunna win." Rumor has it they took 7 hours just to figure that much out - the translation from Buffalo to Loopy is not a gentle one. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------------------------------- If you're not already using WMNX, send mail to me (smithda@cder.fda.gov) asking how to do it. It's dead easy, free, and could help you win some matches (unless you're Buffalo, but that's Tim's problem). From the pages of the Manix News Digest: At a hastily assembled press conference late yesterday afternoon, the Manix Maulers' press secretary, Smilin' Pete Zinger, rose to the former podium in the smoldering remains of the former Manix Mauler's briefing room. "Smilin' Pete, we understand that you finally managed to assassinate Tony Lockett this past week." "Hey, that's what we thought too. It turned out that we actually took out some guy named Tony Ablett Lockett Lock Garry God Tone Loc Garryett Tockel Lockett. Nobody's perfect, am I right? Heh heh. We're still hoping for a mutually beneficial resolution between the Maulers and the real Tony Lockett's slander against Manix, namely, his capture and sale to white slavers." "Smilin' Pete, we understand that warm body Grubermann was blown up last week. Was his timely death due to The Amber Dempsey Tragedy?" "No, he just blew up because that's what we do to warm bodies when the woodchipper gets dull. Speaking of guys who should be blown up, will somebody kill the Blusies Er guy? I mean, what's Barry trying to do, set a record for most injured player? We're trying to set our own record for Cliff Secord, but Er is in a class of his own." Smilin' Pete then concluded by deferring questions to the chairwoman of Citizens To Put Cliff Secord Into The Manix Book Of Injury World Records By Beating Him Senseless With Truncheons After Every Match. ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------------------------------- Novas management has asked the last remaining sponsor to fund a new hospital plan, together with personal nursing staff and a more comfortable team bus. "Obviously we're fielding some very delicate players, if they can consistently get injured at <4 fatigue," said despairing coach Tommy Smith (deceased). ------------------------------------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ------------------------------------------------------- VIKINGS WHOMPED BY BLUES ... but at least the Bays beat the Panthers!