Background:
Judge Hayek has performed wedding ceremonies for hundreds of couples,
beginning in 1982. These weddings have ranged from a small outdoor ceremony during a break in a 5K run,
to large formal weddings with catered meals. When she shares wedding anecdotes
with friends, a common response is "You should write a book!" So far, there is no book,
but there is this website.
Planning Ahead: Many couples plan their weddings a year or more in advance. Many ministers and rental locations need to be scheduled this far ahead. Judges, however, generally do not want to schedule weddings more than a few months ahead and many wedding locations can be booked on much shorter notice. Couples should ask themselves if they really want to devote a year of their lives planning a wedding. If you do take months for advance planning, consider putting most of that effort into pre-marriage counseling and preparing yourselves for a successful marriage, rather than losing sleep over what kind of dress to wear or food to serve. Time and effort put into counseling may be the best gift you can give yourself.
Setting Priorities: The amount of time and money you could devote to wedding planning is almost unlimited. To help keep things in perspective, set some priorities for yourself. When you find yourself stressed out about planning, go back to your list of priorities and concentrate your efforts on what's important to you.
Use these items and others you may add to decide what's most important to you. If a listed item is not important to you, take it off your list and don't worry about it. Give each remaining item a number, starting with #1 as the most important to you:
What might go wrong? Here are some things that frequently cause problems on the wedding day:
1. Music. Music problems usually occur when there is recorded music and the person operating the equipment isn't quite sure what he or she is doing. Music should not be figured out at the last minute and the person playing the music needs to practice. Here are some questions to ask: How loud should the music be? Is it easy to find the required piece on the tape or CD? Will the music keep playing after everyone has marched in? Can you fade out the music, rather than stopping it abruptly? Will there be music after the ceremony? When will it begin? Music problems are usually minimal with a DJ or live musicians, since they usually have a lot of experience accommodating the needs of brides and grooms.
2. When do we start? There is often confusion surrounding the question of when the ceremony will begin. The officiant needs to know when to walk to the center of the room. Be clear about whether you plan to start on time, after a 10 or 15 minute wait, or after someone looks over the crowd to see if all the important people are there. If you use this last choice, who will be the person to decide and how will he or she let the wedding party know? A wedding coordinator can be a tremendous help with this task.
3. Corsages and Boutonnieres. Someone other than the bride needs to know which people will be wearing flowers and have a clue how to pin them on so they don't fall off halfway through the ceremony. Despite what the dictionary says about "boutonnieres," do not try to fit the stems through a buttonhole. The flowers are intended to be pinned on top of a man's lapel! I have actually seen family members take a butcher knife to the suit of the groom trying to make a hole for the flowers. It is not a pretty sight! Also, don't plan on flowers for the judge or minister unless you know they will not be wearing a robe.
4. Seating. There needs to be a plan concerning where people will sit, even if the plan is that people can seat themselves and sit anywhere. People arriving at the wedding want to know they are sitting in the correct place, so there should be ushers or other people near the door to greet people and let them know what the procedure is for seating. If ushers are expected to show people to their seats, please rehearse with them how they are to do this. While it may be customary for gentlemen to offer an arm to the lady, many people are not used to this formality and aren't sure what to do. Help everyone out by deciding in advance how this aspect of the seating will be handled. If certain family members will be seated just before the ceremony begins, be sure their seats are marked and they have a comfortable place to wait while all the others are seated. Have a clear plan of how and when they will eventually take their seats.
5. Paperwork. You will need to sign the marriage certificates on the day of the wedding. I like to have the bride and groom and witnesses sign before the ceremony, even if it means I must go from one location to another to obtain the signatures. If you sign the papers afterwards, please do so right away. The judge or minister may have other obligations and should not be kept waiting while you socialize with your guests. You can discuss this with the officiant ahead of time so you are all clear about where and when the papers will be signed. The officiant will give you the ceremonial certificate to keep. Put it where you will find it. There is no easy way to replace it, as one bride asked me to do when they accidentally threw it away with the wedding trash.
5. Tipping. Unless the officiant is your personal clergyperson or a close friend, you will probably have been quoted (and paid) a designated fee well in advance of the wedding ceremony. In that situation, no tip is expected or required. If no fee was set in advance, then a generous tip is appropriate, since it will substitute for the set fee that would otherwise have been paid. A tip may be appropriate even if a designated fee has already been paid. In considering whether to give a tip and the appropriate amount, consider whether the officiant went out of his or her way to be helpful, i.e. responding to numerous questions, adjusting plans to accommodate your requests, arriving early to help with last minute details, providing helpful information. Also, consider how the orignal fee compared to those of other officiants. If the original fee was low and the service excellent, a generous tip would be well-deserved. If you are considering giving a tip, designate a particular person to make that payment and have it ready in an envelope in advance. Let others in the wedding party know who will be handling the tip so there is no last minute confusion (or unintended double payment). In my own experience, I receive tips at about 20% of my weddings, with the amounts ranging from $20 to $500. A typical tip would be $40-$50.
Help on the internet: Here are some websites you may find helpful in your planning: