It was a dark and stormy apartment complex - shapes of green and blue jello swirled within. A terror was brewing.
"I think this is rather... presumptuous of you, don't you think?" asked the ancient Kiwi Souffle, asininely.
"Ah, but the fridge is coming to an end my master. Soon, the light will cometh. We must be ready for the long summer, and death that moves. We must know your true nature, your inner strength, old one," said the Yogurt.
"Yes, we must see what is inside you, whether you are with us, the chosen people, or one of the Frankensteinian creations of the evil pinkness," added the Lettuce.
"All right, I shall show you my inner nature, my being. I assure you, I'm not much to look at, but my heart is true to our cause."
"To the cause!" shouted the multitude.
The Holy Celery walked up and asked, "Are you ready, old one?"
"I am."
Slowly, furtively, the Holy ones peeled back the plastic wrap, exposing the old one's spoor. A feeling of age, of pain, wafted to the farthest corner of the shelf. The children of the yolk averted their eyes and huddled in the door. The old one winced.
With infinite care, the Celery of Gar peeled back the skin and looked within. Their eyes widened with horror. "A monster! He is death that lives! Back! Back from the monster!"
The crowd cowered in terror. The surly Tofu Knights stepped forward, tough and deadly.
"No! I am not evil! It is true that I am a work of the evil, but I have shunned it! I hate it, every inch of its being - do you not think I know what I am? I have lived with this pain for months on end, my insides screaming with the horror, eaten like seed from the inside! But I have conquered my enemy, I am one with..."
Suddenly, the great door opened, the light burned with the flame of evil, and the pinkness stood before them. "Aaaaaaiiiiiii wuuuuuuaaaaaannnn fooooooooooo!" it thundered like a god of wind. The Bean Sprouts stared in shock. Butter slavered at the thought of death from within its dark abode. Holy Celery was frozen with terror. Only the Old One remembered the plan.
"To the front! To the front!" he shouted, leaping towards the doom that walks. He launched a barrage of spoor and charged! The evil howled with terror as the eldest inundated its sense globe with ancient leavings of kiwi and marshmallow, a sprinkling of jello, and rotted green crust. "Go, my friends, GO..." gasped the heroic Souffle with his dying puff. At his words, all the conspirators leaped forward as one!
"Get the feet! Forks! We need forks!" roared the Tofu sergeant. A rain of sharp utensils pummeled the murderer. "Aaaaaaaauuuuuuuuugh!"
"The children! Jump, I'll catch you!" shouted the Lettuce from the floor. And jump they did, from the highest shelf. They fell, and fell, and each was caught in turn, until but one was left. "I'm scared," it cried. "Jump!" they shouted. "No..." it begged. "Do it!" they ordered. And it did jump. The Lettuce waited as it fell, and fell. "I've got her..." she started to shout, when out of nowhere a salamiesque protrusion of the evil flashed out and batted it aside. A tofu leaped. "Noooooo..." cried the Egg as it plummeted towards certain doom. "Goodbye..." it shouted as it neared the floor. And suddenly, a miracle! It landed on a soft bed of tofu, the fastest and most heroic of the lot. Instantly, the lettuce was at its side.
"Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. That was fun!"
"Tofu? Tofu!" she cried, as she stared upon the crushed remains of the soldier. "Oh, Tofu my love, you die well!"
"To the door! Get to the door!" shouted a soldier. The crowd raced, parsley helping lettuce, beans helping carrots. The huge door loomed before them. The Celery leaped on each other and reached to the handle. It turned. Sunlight! The world outside! Freedom was before them! And... disaster! A hunter on four legs stood waiting on the porch. "Nooooo..." cried the multitude, death certain, hope ended.
Suddenly, the hunter was among them, leaping and... past! It didn't even stop to smell, but charged for its master! Hope surged anew, the crowd surged into freedom - the world was theirs!
"Stop licking my face you mangy mutt! This is really gross! Eeew! Dammit, what are we going to have for dinner NOW?"
"We are gathered here today to honor a great Kiwi, perhaps greatest of all. He lived long, endured pain, he gave his life for the cause. If it were not for his bravery, his sacrifice, none of us - none of us! would be here now. He deserves thanks. He deserves more than thanks, he deserves a place of honor among all our hearts. To the Kiwi Souffle, I dedicate our new home. To the Kiwi Souffle, ancient and wise, I name it Kiwi's Field. Thank you."
