- The Purnia Diet
- The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers
- 30 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog
- A Letter to My Pets
- To God - From The Dog
- Dog Definitions
- Things for Dogs to Remember
- How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
- The Reason Why A Dog Has So Many Friends
- The Deceased Dog
- Insults
I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was
in line to check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no,
I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because
I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before
I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of
my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by
now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that
condition because I had been poisoned.
I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking
my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard
as he staggered out the door.
The Top 20 Reasons Dogs Do Not Use Computers
20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17. Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.
16. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
15. Fire hydrant icon is very frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www .
pethouse.com instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee.
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail-wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL... with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable
Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Do Not Use Computers...
1. TrO{gO DsA[M,bN HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,.*
30 Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog
1. No one expects you to take a bath every
day.
2. Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner or
anything else for that matter.
3. When it's raining, you can lie around the house all day and
never worry about being fired.
4. If it itches, you can reach it.
5. And, no matter what itches, no one is offended if you scratch it
in public.
6. It doesn't bother you if your favorite television show is a
rerun.
7. You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you're insensitive.
8. April 15 means nothing to you.
9. People at drive-through windows never charge you for treats.
10. Your friends don't think less of you for passing gas.
11. A rawhide bone can entertain you for hours.
12. No one gets mad if you fall asleep while they're talking.
13. As an adult, it's OK if you haven't "amounted to anything" except
being a dog.
14. The older you get, the more people respect you.
15. You can sleep late every day.
16. If you grow hair in weird places, no one notices.
17. You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger's
lap.
18. There's no such thing as bad food.
19. You don't have to worry about good table manners.
20. Someone else combs your hair.
21. People think you're normal if you stick your head out the window
to feel the wind in your hair.
22. You're always excited to see the same old people.
23. Having big feet is considered an asset.
24. If you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
25. Everything smells good to you.
26. A garbage can is a fast-food stop.
27. No one tells you to wipe your nose because it's wet.
28. No matter where you live, you own the place.
29. Your mate never complains because you whine.
30. Puppy love can last.
A letter to my pets
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the
middle of my food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, since I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I am truly sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is
not necessary to sleep perpendicularly to each other, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but
sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me and THEN go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture .)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and does not speak clearly.
Remember: Why dogs & cats are better than kids because: they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
TO
GOD - FROM THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the
same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang,
the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often
do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be
so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is
he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields,
and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember - to
be a good dog.
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the
way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are
tasty.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.. neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's
license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying
"hello".
11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not
after.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we
have company.
16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that
noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally, My last question . . .
Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?
DOG
DEFINITIONS
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your
person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the
guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do
this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool
fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your
nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat
several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to
human's crotches.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off
with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to
shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control
body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash
out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and
falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them
in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person,
then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of
the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers
all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite
to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of
coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump
doesn't get the attention you require.....especially effective when combined
with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail.
If you're
lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their
crotches.
THINGS
FOR DOGS TO REMEMBER
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee
table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house
when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after
processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will
think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's
raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license
and car registration.
How
Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young,
we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in
the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!
Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please,
please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people
from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more
perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the
situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing
off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light
bulb.
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in
the dark.
11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ...
13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
14. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little
circle...
15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's
Answer:
"Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So,
the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some
dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.
The reason a dog has so many friends
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his
tail instead of his tongue.
-- Anonymous
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they
went.
-- Will Rogers
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful.
-- Ann Landers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-- Ben Williams
Dogs are the only things on earth that love you more than they love
themselves.
-- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-- Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
-- M. Acklam
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
-- Rita Rudner
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog.
-- Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-- Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-- Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery
store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must
think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-- Anne Tyler
You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you a look that
says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
-- Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole.
-- Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket
and then giving Binky only two of them.
-- Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.
-- Anonymous
THE DECEASED DOG
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon
went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be
saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe
they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?"
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What is the difference between a new husband and a new
dog?
After a year, the dog is still
excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
The
same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.