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100% Pure Baloney!
Here are some URBAN LEGENDS, or, Stories many people have thought were the truth at one point. Usually as heard through a friend of a friend, or a person they work with, or "my sister's neighbor's cousin's best friend" and so on. Always unable to produce the actual source. All below are PROVEN FALSEHOODS, so if you had previosuly believed any of them, you can now rest assured they are 100% UNTRUE.
Part 1 - THINGS THAT NEVER HAPPENED ON T.V.
"Newlywed Game" husband televised response that the strangest place they made love was "That'd be the butt, Bob."
Johnny Carson said he'd pet Zsa Zsa's pussy if she'd move her cat.
Johnny Carson said to Jack Nicklaus' wife that her kissing his balls before a golf game must "make his putter flutter." (Also told of Arnold Palmer.)
David Letterman tells audience to say "Hi" to Paul Shaffer 'cause his contract says his butt can't be shown on TV.
David Letterman asks Orson Welles "If no man is an island, then how do you explain yourself?" (Also told of Marlon Brando)
Kid tells Bozo the Clown to "shove it"/etc. after kid drops egg in game. Bozo interviews kids on show. One kid says "Cram it, clown!" Is removed. Bozo says "That ought to shut the little bastards up!"
Jan or Cindy Brady actress was a porn star or prostitute during 80's
Some muppet on Sesame Street is going to be snuffed.
Sesame Street's Bert and Ernie are "gay."
Mister Hooper died having sex with Susan backstage @ Sesame Street
The Purple Teletubbie is gay, his antenae is supposed to be a penis
Part 2 - DRUGS ARE BAD, BUT NOT LIKE THIS
Mickey Mouse tattoos sold in vending machines at schools contain LSD and will work like "the patch" to get kids hooked on acid.
Aspirin and Coca-Cola taken together get you high. (Nope. May cause insomnia)
Tobacco companies prepared to market/mfg joints if pot was legalized in '60s/'70s
Guy on pot pulled over by police. Asked if he knew his speed. It Was 5 miles per hour
McDonald's coffee stirrers changed; they were used by cocaine sniffers.
Banana peels and peanut shells contain hallucinogenic substances when dried and smoked
Coca-Cola once contained cocaine. (It contained coca plant leaves but they were removed when urban legends persisted)
Part 3 - FAKE ANIMAL STORIES
Koalas are always stoned/drunk, as they eat alcohol in eucalyptus leaves and would otherwise be savage killers
Koalas, being filled with eucalyptus oil, "explode" in bushfires.
Kangaroos deliver the mail in the outback.
Aussies put vegemite under eyelids of racehorses to get high.
Cobras can hypnotise humans if you stare at them
Dogs see in black and white (Also told as cats). They see in 16 colors
Elephants have superior memory skills
Bats are "blind" and see only by radar (they see fine in the daylight)
Vampire bats suck the blood of humans, carry off and eat human babies
Cats always land of their feet
Bulls charge at the color red, Bulls are colorblind
Wolves mate for life and will not mate if "wife/husband" dies
Lemmings commit suicide by hurling themselves off of cliffs
Storks used to steal human babies when eggs broken/lost leading to stork delivers baby tales
Eggs with two yolks contain radioactive chicken fetus parts
Many simians hold regular swimming contests; winners mate w/ choice females.
Some monkeys prefer not to swim at all; will drown if dropped in water.
Birds cannot sing while on the ground.
Govt forces commercial birdseed to be irradiated to stop hemp seed sprouting
Sprinkle salt on a bird's tail to catch it by preventing it flying away.
Seagulls (and other creatures) explode when you feed them Alka-Seltzer, rice, or "pop-rocks".
Birds won't sit on their nests if you touch one of their eggs.
Some birds get drunk by eating partly fermented berries/fruits.
Old/ditzy woman puts dog in microwave to dry it out- it dies gruesome death.
A Doberman chokes on fingers that it bit off burglar hidden in closet.
Radioactive cat litter found in May 1991 in Berkeley, Calif
Days-old body in home discovered headless. Was eaten by dog!
Woman's cat dies. She puts it in a shopping bag/box to take it to the country for burial. On the way, she stops at a store and puts the bag down. She turns around and bag is shoplifted.
Some animal shelters have prohibited the adoption of cats during Halloween to avoid cruelty by "Satanists."
Firemen rescue old lady's cat from tree. She invites them for tea. They run over cat when they leave.
Killer whales will attack swimming dogs because they stink like hell.
Armadillos can contract/carry leprosy.
Candiru fish, native to S. America, can swim into your urethra.
Guinea pigs' eyes fall out if you hold them up by their tails.
Horse falls thru bottom of moving trailer, legs ground to stumps.
There are [albino] alligators inhabiting the sewers of New York City.
Woman found a rat in [Mexico] and brought it home thinking it was a dog.
When cows are "tipped" they have a hear attack and die
Dragonflies ("darning needles") can sting you very severely.
Lobsters,dropped in boiling water, scream.
There are US state laws making it illegal to kill/capture praying mantises.
Part 4 - RUDE, CRUDE, UNTRUE FOOD STUFF
Eating lots of chicken fast food causes males to grow breasts from hormones
Eating carrots may improve night vision, because of large amounts of Vitamin A
Eating celery takes more energy than its digestion yields.
Burger King caught using Horse/Kangaroo/Yak meat in patties
McDonalds shakes contain glass microbeads for "smoothness"
Cook cheated into buying Mrs Fields' recipe, gets revenge by spreading it. Also done with Neiman-Marcus/Macy's/Bloomingdales Red Velvet Cake
Green M&M's (also "Smarties" in UK and Canada) are an aphrodisiac.
Red M&M's cause cancer (Nope, they used red dye #5,not dangerous #2)
Brown M&M's cause sterility/blindness
Ingesting a tapeworm will help you slim, so people do this regularly
Many CIA (and other gov't) snackbars are staffed by blind people to help maintain secrecy.
Grape seeds can get caught in your appendix and give you appendicitis.
The red leaves of Poinsettias (aka the Xmas Plant) are deadly poisonous when eaten. (But why would you eat one?)
Fresh seeds from plants of rose family react to form cyanide in the body.
Aspartime (nutrasweet) stays in body and forms formaldahide
Aspartime causes blindness, memory loss, shakes, Parkinson's
Restaurant mints taste like pee because workers don't wash hands after using restroom
Mikey (Life cereal) exploded from eating Pop Rocks with soda
Popular Mexican beer (esp. Corona) is made with urine.
Snapple either supports Operations Rescue/KKK and/or the ship on the label is a slave ship.
Tropical Fantasy soft drink causes sterility in black men.
Shampoos and foreign beauty aids are made from aborted babies or placentas from terminated births
Couple travels to exotic locale with pet dog. Eatery prepares it for them.
Ethnic eateries (Chinese/Indian/Mexican) use cat/dog/rat meat instead of expected meat.
Cantaloupes are infected with salmonella and are thus bad to eat.
Snake hidden in imported fruit (bananas, pineapple, etc.) bites/kills some-one
Woman removes label from "tuna" can, finds cat food label underneath.
Cannibalism was a common means of sustenance for past cultures (cannibals existed but humans were not their primary foodsource)
"Instant" ramen noodles are coated w/wax and can cause intestinal blockage.
Drinking alcoholic beverages through a straw makes one drunker faster.
Marco Polo brought pasta back to Italy from the Chinese. (Actually he introduced noodles to Asia!)
Chocolate makes people horny.
Eating/Chewing ice means you are sexually frustrated
Eating hot bread is bad for you (alcohol, stomach upset, etc.)
Some English beers contain fish guts.
The "Baby Ruth" candy bar was named for George "Babe" Ruth. (It was really named for US president Grover Cleveland's oldest daughter.)
"Bubble Yum" bubble gum is manufactured with spiders' eggs.
There sure are lots of stories of food service people "bringing themselves off" into food ...e.g., doughnut dough, pizzas, curry, etc. Most, if not all, are false though.
Eating ice will strip the enamel off your teeth or is somehow "bad" for you.
Putting a spoon in a bottle of champagne will help keep it from going flat.
Man who bit into a taco and found a frog/Woman finds rat and/or deep fried chicken head in bucket at KFC
People in Hong Kong/China/Africa/Malaya/etc. eat brains from live monkeys.
Part 5 - SEX, LIES, AND MORE LIES THAT NEVER HAPPENED
Model's penis showed in a Sears catalog ad for shorts (it was a drawstring!)
Errol Flynn banged out "Star-spangled Banner" on xylophone with his male member.
Gangster John Dillinger had a 14 inch penis (avg male length is 6.5 inches), and its pickled in a jar at the Smithsonian
In Nigeria, roving gangs of thieves may surreptitiously steal mens' privates while they sleep
Drunk joyriding on hood of car, loses parts to hood ornament at sudden stop.
Wife seduces cheating husband then superglues his plonker while he sleeps.
Napoleon's sausage was cut off at autopsy and was recently auctioned off.
Number of stars on Playboy cover is # of times Hef banged the centerfold (It's a distribution code)
Young man is at dinner party w/future in-laws. His fiance says his zipper is unzipped. He attempts to distract them by pointing out the window and calling out "Look at that!"..he slyly zips up his fly, but when he gets up, drags the table cloth off cause he trapped the cloth in his fly!
Woman reports to emergency room and sez diaphram is stuck. Drs. remove it to find it's covered with grape jelly. Directions said to "...use w/jelly."
Well-known film/TV personality (Richard Gere, Tom Cruise, etc) put a gerbil up his rear end for "wriggly furry fun"
Well-known male pop star rushed from concert, stomach pumped free of semen. [Said of Elton John, Rod Stewart, George-Michael,etc)
Spanish fly (Cantharides) is aphrodisiac (actually genital tract irritant).
Girl slipped spanish fly at drive-in movie; found impaled on gear shift.
Married couple get stuck together while coupling. Separated at hospital.
One night stand, partner leaves early, other partner finds msg "Welcome to the world of AIDS". written on mirror
`Baghdad Betty' told US army that Bart Simpson was sleeping with their wives & sisters
Man fills cheating wife's affair's convertible with concrete later finds it was salesman and car was for him
Woman impregnated while swimming, due to sperm loose in pool.
Woman impregnated when hit by bullet that shot Civil War soldier's testicles
Silicone breasts expand under low pressure (eg. airline stewardesses on job)
Husband informed that septic tank/toilet blockage due to too many condoms but he doesn't use them; confronts wife, she confesses affair w/milkman He waits and shoots milkman next day but it was a substitute milkman!
Couple goes to "love" hotel w/hot tub, mirrors, etc. Make love in hot tub. Return to room, call up an X-movie and see themselves!
There was a significant increase in NYC births about 9 months after 1965 Blackout. ["The Baby Train" in TBT.]
Catherine the Great died while trying to do something with a horse.
For some reason, a woman is doing the laundry in the nude. She puts on her son's football helmet, and is surprised by plumber/gas man who says some-thing like "I hope your team wins, lady."
Part 6 - DISNEY DEMENTIA & AMUSEMENT PARK LIES
"Little Mermaid" video cover features drawings of penises
Three little pigs molested law-suit happy babe, with non-mobile arms.
Child disappears from Disneyland, found with new haircut, dyed by abductor.
Old Walt Disney's dead body was frozen for later revivification.
Child goes for ride on popular ride; feels bites; dies from snake bites!
Water in "Tunnel of Love" ride infested with snakes.
Mickey, Donald et al had "nephews" because they were supposed to be gay
Horace Horsecollar character dissapeared; sounded too close to word "homosexual"
Walt Disney was member of Illuminati/Freemasons/Cult/Etc
Walt Disney didn't die - was secret child molster, FBI relocated him
Haunted Mansion features Walt Disney Ghost look-alike
Pirates of Carribean features 2 "real" pirates - if you notice they pull you from boat, take you into tunnel, kick you out of park
Part 7 - ITS A CONSPIRACY (NO ITS NOT)
CIA fixed the Anarchist's Cookbook, so explosive blows up as you make it.
Guy/gal wakes up in Big City, a kidney has been stolen from him!
L. Ron Hubbard started Scientology after Robt Heinlein bet he couldn't found a religion.
Proctor & Gamble logo reflects Satanic or Moonie ties & P&G's "president" appeared on "Donahue" to affirm same.
On "Oprah" designer Liz Claiborne said she supports the KKK. Tb.Candy manufacturers sneakily micro-reduce size of product to gyp you.
Universal Product Codes (computer readable bar-codes) are marks of Satan.
George Bush persuaded Iranians to delay hostage release to aid Reagan election.
Govt has secret plan to replace the currency overnight to foil drug barons.
You can send a coconut thru the mail without any further wrapping.
Sticking one of those "Postage Paid" reply cards on a heavy object (e.g., a brick) will cost the addressee the postage. [Nope, USPS tosses it.]
Unification Church (i.e. Moonies) owns Entenmann's/Waldenbooks/WalMart
Those guys selling roses on roads are connected with the Moonies.
Ship captains, on their own authority, can perform marriages.
Govt regularly burns WWII-era hemp fields. Only high officials know where.
If you are the first to read this and send me e-mail, you will receive $10.
Compensation paid to kin of Salem witches up to 1957.
Mapmakers place copyright traps in maps.
Several noted movies have "death curses" on them.
Major firms/gov't suppress evidence of a super great product (water based car engine, engine gets 100 mpg, miracle drug, etc)
Some 1963 $1 bills have a 'K' for JFK, 11 for month of death to commemorate JFK.
An undercover cop must answer yes to "Are you a cop?" to avoid entrapment.
There was once a female Pope in the Roman Catholic Church.
U.S. Patent Office head once said that it be closed because "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Ads for "free pets" are frequently answered by testing labs for specimens.
The king of Denmark wore a yellow star in solidarity with Jews in WWII.
There were (are?) Japanese soldiers hiding out on isles in Pacific who believe WWII is still on.
You can tell if a big op. is happening at US gov't by level of pizza orders to the White House
Mary Baker Eddy (Christian Science) was buried w/a phone so she could her followers from "The Other Side."
Story involving a page or an elevator operator telling US Rep. Fred "Love Boat" Grandy "Lido Deck, sir?" or "Promenade Deck, sir?" subsequently being fired.
Adolf Hitler intentionally snubbed Jesse Owens by refusing to shake hands with him in the 1936 Olympics.
Magnetic strips are embedded in US currency for nefarious purposes.
US Navy aircraft carrier engages in radio exchange to tell other party to move to avoid collision. Other party was a lighthouse!
There are legal limits on how much of your debts you can pay in coins
The US has 70% of world's lawyers.
U.S. Supreme Court ruled that "professional wrestling" was entertainment, not sport.
You must be hit thrice before retaliation can be construed as self-defense.
Part 8 - THE ROAD TO BALONEY & OTHER FALSEHOODS
As part of initiation, potential gang members drive around with headlights off at night and will shoot people who flash headlights at them.
Schoolkid beheaded by road sign,due to sticking his head out the bus window.
Stop signs with a white border are optional, can just slow down between midnight and 5AM.
Driver sets cruise control, wrongly believes it steers too! Crashes...
The VW Beetle was designed by Hitler. [It was designed by Fernidand Porsche, and Italian)
New car rattles -- note found in door frame from factory saboteur...
There are traffic lights with green on top in a few US Irish neighborhoods.
Man working on roof ropes himself to car on other side;wife drives off and he is hung/falls off and dies
Hitchhiker disappears, is ghost of person killed years ago in road accident.
Psycho's handhook hanging from the car door, broken off as couple drove away
Driving barefoot is illegal.
Red sports cars generate disproportionate number of speeding tickets.
Flashing your headlights will cause a traffic light to change faster.
Guy tries to siphon gas from an RV but instead siphons from the septic tank; found unconscious by RV next morning.
Police officer pulls over female driver. She asks about tickets to a policemen's ball, he replies "Policemen don't have balls" and he leaves flustered (or she is totally embarassed).
Woman gets in her car at night; is followed on the way home; calls for help; guy was trying to warn woman of thug in backseat of her car.
A motorcyclist at high speed hits a fly which goes to his brain via his eye.
An auto worker steals parts of a Caddy bit by bit until he has a whole car.
Fancy car has "No Radio" sign. Owner returns to broken windshield and "No Windshield"/"Get One" or "Just Checking" sign.
Truck gets stuck at low bridge. Noone knows what to do; a young kid suggests letting the air out of the tires.
In great desperation, mother lifts car off and rescues trapped child.
Couple w/baby on long trip stops to switch places; place baby on roof; they forget it up there! Police cruiser pull them over and baby is rescued.
Grandma dies on long family trip; they strap body to roof; car is stolen!
There are various extremely harsh penalities (e.g., execution) for drunk driving in other countries (e.g., Turkey, Norway, El Salvador, etc.)
IF YOU KNOW ANY MORE....... E-mail them to me! icebrkr@eskimo.com
More cool stuff to come!!!!!!! [c] 2001+ Brain Damage Studios c/o icebrkr@eskimo.com (Andrew Krepela) Please E-Mail me if any links don't work of if you have something to add here!!
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