From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Playoff mindreadings, night 1 Date: 26 Apr 96 13:45:02 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Grant Long: The Hawks' future's so bright, I gotta wear shades. . . . Hey, wait a secnd, these things ain't tinted. That dumb-ass eye-doctor! Reggie Miller: See, if I was in there, right now I'd say, "It's gonna be like this all night!" Then I'd hit a three. Then I would thank the guy for not guarding me. Man, I love the playoffs. Think anybody recognizes me in these shades? Steve Smith: And this is where Reggie would say, "Hey, Steve, I'm about to hit another three." Then he'd miss. I gotta remember to say hi after my next bucket. Rik Smits: I guess haircut not work. John Starks: Look at those damn fools. Shaved their heads again. Pat and I are the only guys who have sense. Well, at least the other guys can tell who's allowed to shoot the ball--the two guys with hair. Charlie Ward: How come I look fat when I'm bald? The Czar: Wait a second. They aren't supposed to score over a hundred. That's illegal. Van Gundy agreed to keep the score in the 80s so that neither team looked bad. I'm gonna have words with him. John Stockton: Hmmmm. 11 points. 23 assists. Not bad. A triple double Antoine Carr: My old eyes can't handle these bright lights any more. Gotta wear shades. Arvydas Sabonis: These playoffs fun. Too bad American press write so much--now guys guard me too close. Why that man put hand on my behind? Magic Johnson: This is not right. I'm the Magic man. The Playoffs are Magic Johnson time. This is the Forum. Clyde and Hakeem have no respect. Hakeem Olajuwon: It is sad to have to beat Magic on his own floor. I wish I could let him win, but that is simply impossible. Maybe I could teach him some of my moves, make things more fair. Shaquille O'Neal: OK, rewind, watch the Dream again. Left pivot, right step, turn, pivot, drop step, fake the pass, shoot, score. Left pivot, right step, pivot. No, wait, turn, then pivot. Fake the . . . Aw, hell with it, I'll just dunk. Sam Cassell: All these guys shaving their heads to look cool. Man, I did it first. They're all copying me. Shawn Kemp: Crap. If I hadn't hit that punk, I'd be playing right now. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: playoff mindreadings, night 2 Date: 27 Apr 96 13:50:41 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Shaquille O'Neal: Man, I *love* the playoffs. Time to dunk a lot, make some money. Gonna win me an extra two hundred grand tonight. Bet Michael Jordan about the halftime tie and margin of win, bet Penny I'd get closer to a triple double than he would. This gonna be fun. Dennis Scott: Poor Penny, he's not looking too well. Caught that cold from Royal's kid. Guess I better step it up tonight. Mike Mathis: These Magic games are always a lot more exciting if Shaq has to sit for a while. Guess I'll give him a quick 2nd foul for no reason whatsoever, give the Pistons a chance. Joe Dumars: Whew. Shaq's sitting down. Helps me with part two of my plan: try to win a game, try not to get squashed by that 300 pound monster. Brian Hill: Houston? Why Rocket player play for Detroit? He good. Get like more than two baskets in a row. No problem though, Dennis shut him down. But still, how Houston play for Detroit. Complain to Rod Thorn. Nick Anderson: Aw Crap. That Houston kid's out there lighting us up, coach has Dennis on him instead of me, and coach has that "I'm dumber than a retarded cow" look on his face." Shaq: Good, score tied at halftime. If Mike can't keep the Heat close, I win. Grant Hill: So Doug wants me to score more, be more aggressive. OK. I just was having so much fun getting the other guys involved. Oh well. Doug Collins: Oh well, time to throw in the towel. But do it with flair. Send in 4 guards, make the announcers say something about how intersting that is. Confuse that idiot on the other side. Shaq: 20 point win. Heh-heh, where's my money, Mike? Better go chase down Penny before he spends my winnings on a car or something. Michael Jordan: OK, let's see. We have to be tied with Miami at halftime. Then if we beat them by more than the Magic beat the Pistons (damn, I still hate those guys--'cept for Joe), I win the bet. This is gonna be an easy one hundred grand. It's no putt on the 18th green versus Charles, but it'll be easy. Alonzo Mourning: Next year, 15 million a year. Tonight I earn that money. Gonna get 40 points, 30 rebounds, 20 assists, 10 steals, and 10 blocks. The New York Times headline's gonna read: "Zo, Phatest Man in the NBA!" Oh, yeah, gotta remember not to smile. Look mean. Pat Riley: OK, checklist. Got Zo dreaming about money. Check. Told Keith Askins that Dennis Rodman called him a sissy. Check. Told Hardaway that the refs would be against us and that if he didn't score more than 15 in a quarter, some of my "friends" would break his kneecap. Check. Challenged the manhood of everyone on the team. Check. Picked up family size bucket of lard for my hair. Check. Luc Longley: Ay, this Alonzo feller is playin' like a bleedin' Sheila. A bleedin' wallaby could guard him with one paw tied behind 'is back. Jordan: OK, that was tough getting the halftime tie. Shaq got it too though. Now we gotta win by more than 20. Ron Harper: How come we gotta play in white uniforms with black shoes. Looks so damn stupid. Oh well, at least Mike let me wear a pair of his patent leather jobs. They're gonna look great with my tux when I go out to celebrate later. Jordan: DAMN DAMN DAMN DAMN. Zo fouled out, Riley got booted and I *still* didn't win that bet with Shaq. DAMN! I hate losing bets, even small ones like this one. David Robinson: Here we go again. The playoffs. Time for everyone to say I'm soft. I'm not soft, look at my arms! And I won that IBM award thing. I'm solid as a rock. It does seem sad that for me to win, Phoenix has to lose. Those are a bunch of nice guys. Poor Charles is a very angry man; would rather win than be a role model. I'd rather be a role model. Maybe I'll take it easy on him tonight. Vinny Del Negro: All the reporters say David has no cojones. Vinny has cojones. Tonight I will show everyone how big are my cojones. For tonight will be the Del Negro Fiesta! Kevin Johnson: I hate playing the Spurs. They always beat me up. That Avery Johnson bully is so mean. Charles Barkley: *&$#@%!$!!!! I *HATE* that Vinny Del Negro! Damn lilly-white asshole with a black man's name! I can't believe THAT guy is beating us! Carl Herrera: This isn't bad. Win a few games with the Spurs. Get some extra money. Too bad that we have no chance against my old team. Hakeem's gonna eat poor David for lunch. Again. Vinny Del Negro: Tonight all the world has seen it: I am mucho macho man! George Karl: I think I did it. I think the world believes me. They really think I turned it around and got these headcases to win a series. Luckily it doesn't really matter: that Golden State deal is signed up nice and legal. Gary Payton: Bunch a punks. I could beat these guys single-handedly. Kings. Huh. More like Chumps. Billy Owens: West coast, East coast, West coast. Damn league trades me all over the place this year and now I gotta play this Sonics!? Geez, just send me to Washington. Webber's there. Lots of fun. Don't have to worry about the playoffs. Just chill. Shaq: One hundreed and forty, one hundred and forty-one, one hundred and forty-two . . . . Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: playoff mindreadings, round 3 Date: 28 Apr 96 16:03:09 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Patrick Ewing: Riles looked cool with his hair slicked back. Style, man, style. Fratello? He looks like a . . . . weasel. Tyrone Hill: Dammit, I am tired of being Tyrone "the unknown all-star" Hill. Bobby Phills: Man, I am sick of hearing myself called "the unsung" Bobby Phills. Terrell Brandon: One more reporter asks me how it feels to be a "little known all-star," and I'm gonna deck him. Or her. Ewing: No, wait, he looks more like a lizard. Anthony Mason: Everybody knows I'm the toughest guy out here. I don't need some dumb-ass tattoo to make me tough. All these punks with tattoos think they're tough. Fools. Derek Harper: Yep, this baby's just what I need. Always been tough, this little tattoo on my shoulder makes me even more tough. Mason should get one. Charlie Ward: OK, got my wide receiver deep left, got my center and guards in front. See the hole. That cornerback Brandon can't catch me. Go for it! TOUCHDOWN!!! . . . . . works every time. Think football and get a dunk. Dan Majerle: Sick of them three pointers, let's give them some THUNDER!!! J.R. Reid: I ain't shaving my head. No way. This is my tribute to Carrottop. I appreciate his fractured view of modern life. It's post-modern and self-referential without being solilpsistic or mean-spirited. Not like that Jim Carrey. I find his attempts at humor sophomoric and offensive. Why should stylized flatulence make me laugh? Of course he does go down with that hot, hot Lauren Holley. Ooooh what I'd do to her. But she's no Sandra Bullock . . . . Charles Oakley: I still can't believe that Rod Thorn wouldn't let me paint "You suck, Fairy" on my face-mask. Just a little note to my buddy Danny. Magic Johnson: Now that's more like it. Took the whole team on my back and won the game. I am the MAN! Gimme all that credit. Talk it up, Bill Walton! OK, actually, if the ref hadn't thrown Hakeem out on a crappy call, we'd have lost. But gotta remember the image; don't mention that stuff in the interview. Robert Horry: Well, 3 for 10 is better than 0 for whatever it was . . . Olajuwon: OK, they want to throw game two, that's fine. I do better under pressure, and Allah knows that these Lakers need some help to put the pressure on. That's it Magic, strut. For next game, you meet Hakeem when he is angry. Clyde Drexler: Uh-oh. I ain't seen that look in Hakeem's eyes for years. No more cutesy Taco Bell, American Express, and Snickers commercials. I think maybe *I'll* stay out of his way. Christian Laettner: Ah, this is beautiful. I love this. Boo your heads off, Hoosier babies! Make me your greatest villain! The Refs: OK, the point is to make these guys tough. Christian needs to be more tough. So if he hooks Smits, it's a foul. If he tosses him out of bounds, no foul. Craig Ehlo: Heh-heh. Comeback time, and that confounded Jordan ain't nowhere to be seen. Reggie Miller: Trashed them other glasses; these are my new lucky ones. Larry Brown: These guys just don't listen. I didn't tell them to turn it over every other time down the floor. Steve Smith: Man, where's the freaking challenge? I think I'll try a shot over the back of the backboard. Should I call "swish?" Derrick McKey: Here it is, Derrick McKey, the new Pacers hero! Watch me toss this sucker down to Dale for the easy jam! D'OH! Derrick McKey: Here it is, Derrick McKey, the new Pacers hero! Watch me toss this in for the win. No problem. D'OH! Larry Brown: Oh for crying out loud. If Derrick just one night lived up to his potential, we'd win by 20. Smits: What do they call that when you catch a shot that misses? I should do some of that. David Benoit: How do you spell long-distance-perfection? B-E-N-O-I-T! Jeff Hornacek: How do I spell long-distance perfection? H-O-R . . . J-E-F-F! Cliff Robinson: Man, this headband's too tight. Been blurring my vision all night. I'd take it off except for, you know, the image. Arvydas Sabonis: Ah, this is it. 26 points. 4th quarter. We have the lead. Maybe I can relax a bit. Karl Malone: OK, 22 points. 4th quarter. Time to turn it on and blow these guys out. Trube From: burgoyne@bcarha3.bnr.ca (Jeffrey Burgoyne) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: X-Files episode talks about RSBP!!!!!!!!! Date: 29 Apr 1996 10:48:22 GMT Organization: Bell-Northern Research, Ottawa, Canada Distribution: world Wow, I was cruising the internet, and found a site with the scripts for the X Files, including future episodes. Heres and excert from one for RSBP Scully : "Can you believe Skinner? Why would he put us on this small project. Looking for hate mongers on the internet. Can you actually believe theres a newsgroup called rec.dissect.aliens.fake?" Mulder : "Always keep your eyes open Scully. You never know whats whats out there." Scully : "What are you tracking Mulder?" Mulder : "A group called rec.sports.basketball.pro . Theres some wierd things going on here." Scully : "What are you thinking Mulder?" Mulder : "Well, see this poster calling himself Trube?" Scully : Wanders over to Mulder terminal "Yes, and given his last name is Trubey, I'd say its a nickname." Mulder : "Well, maybe its co-incidence, but an ancient Syrian text talks about a worldy precense named Trube! Not only that, this poster seems to have some mindreading ability." Scully : "Come on Mulder, it looks like a joke to me. Everyone but that Josh dude is laughing." Mulder : "I'm not so sure Scully. Look at what he says about Walton. Waltons been studied heavily in physcology for his ability to absolutely convince hisself that everything he says make sense. I've studied him enough to know this Trube persona is right on the money." Scully : Frowns. Mulder : "As well, from his posts, it appears he's not originally from Chicago. He's the only Trubey in the Chicago phone book. He moved from Orlando. While would he do that, especially if he is a basketball fan?" Scully : "Well, it looks like he's from Northwestern, so maybe he's going to school there?" Mulder : "But why go so far? And look at this. He posts some inane troll on April 1 and catches about 50 people, but when burgoyne parodies it a month later, he only catchs Shoebe and Odom. How does Trube, with his repuation, on April 1st get everyone interested, yet Burgoyne, with almost the exact same thing, gets next to no one." Scully : "What are you thinking Mulder?" Mulder : "I think this Trube character has the ability to affect minds over the internet. His posts seem to turn this Carpenter fellow into a blithering idiot. Speaking of which, this Carpenter fellow really like that ugly giant Muresan. Isn't Muresan that one we were looking at who may have been an alien?" Scully : Changes the conversation "Who's this Roy fellow. He seems pretty accurate with his predictions?" Mulder : "Classic case of Walton Syndrome. Blathers on like he's right, and is absolutely convinced of the fact." They then moved on to other newsgroups, and had little to say. Jeff From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: playoff mindreadings, number 4 Date: 29 Apr 96 16:16:23 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Doug Collins: Hey, how come Shaq gets to shoot a foul shot after every basket? Shaq: This is cool. I foul on every play, then I get to take an extra shot. Nick Anderson: Feed me that ball, I'm hungry for some points. Brian Hill: What new guy name? He should play. Boner? Bon-bon? Oh well, how about "Koncak." Jon Koncak: Gotta love this. Smack Grant Hill around; physically assault Joe Dumars. Where's Bill Lamebeer when they need him? Allan Houston: Shwew. That minute of rest sure was nice. Doug Collins (throughout the game): Full of shit . . . .Full of shit . . . .Full of shit. Grant Hill: They might shut me down. They might embarrass us. But I will be damned if Penny's going to dunk on me. Gonna pull one of my Sprite commercial moves on him. Will Perdue: This is really cool. I get to shoot, I get to score. Wonder how Dennis Rodman is liking that triangle stuff. Then again, who cares? Waymon Tisdale: Damn. Just got a technical for worrying about Will Perdue. Hot Rod Williams: Damn. Just wasted my fifth foul on Will Perdue. David Robinson: Forty gosh-darned points! Twenty-one danged rebounds! Soft!? Soft my butt!! Ooops, sorry God. I meant: Soft my rear! Barkley: Looks like time for the annual retirement speech. Riley: I may not win with these guys, but winning isn't everything. Control, that's everything. Jordan: Hahahahahahahahahaha! That ref called me, ME, for travelling!!! Ron Harper: Man, it's a good thing that Toni and Sasha are on different teams--how am I supposed to tell them apart? Sasha Danilovic: Is good thing Jordan and that Harper fellow wear different numbers--how otherwise to tell them apart? Alonzo Mourning: They shut me down! Me! Alonzo Mourning! What the heck!? I gotta get out some of my aggression. Get mean. Tough. Pick a fight. Hey, what's Ron Harper doing messin' with my teammate!? . . . . Dennis Rodman: This game got no damn excitement. Dennis Rodman is excitement. Dennis Rodman give the people what they want. Slap that sissy boy on his wrist, get tossed, show of buff muscles. That's what people want! Scottie Pippen: Let's see now, if Zo is worth 15 million a year, I must be worth . . .twenty-four divided by 12 is two . . . about 30 million a year! Cool. Mitch Richmond: GO SUPERMITCHRICHMOND POWER!!! Shawn Kemp: Team handle Kings without me. Go in, get some individual stats. Coast to big win. Rain man. Man-child. Gary Payton: Kings!? More like Queens. Can't stop me. Gonna get like 50 points, 30 assists. Sam Perkins: This is all different now. Not like last year. Won big without Shawn; ain't no way they gonna steal this one. No way. George Karl: What the heck! They're foiling my brilliant strategy! No! Mitch Richmond can't do that! That holy man, he lied to me. He said that he would put all of our problems on Kendall Gill's back, and then run him into the wilderness. He said we'd be cured! Nate MacMillan: Getting hard to breathe. Throat feels tight. Air, must have air! Feels like I'm . . . . Billy Owens: Man, that Mitch Richmond's almost as good as Chris Webber and Latrell. Shawn Kemp: Stinkin' Mitch Richmond. First he make the Dream Team, then he kicks our asses. Well, at least my stats were OK. Gary St. Jean: Mitch Richmond, simply awesome. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Weekend Mindreadings Date: 6 May 96 19:13:17 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: As y'all can probably tell, my busiest few weeks of work come at a very bad time of year. But I was able to catch a few minutes now and again: Clyde Drexler: Oh, man, that's his third or fourth one today. I gotta tell Hakeem that just because he does commercials for Snickers doesn't mean that every time he's got a few minutes to spare, he has to eat one. Hakeem Olajuwon: Stomach churning. Can't seem to focus. Running difficult. I wonder if it was those delicious Snickers bars? Good thing I don't do Taco Bell ads anymore. Geez, I feel like Luc Longley out here today. Shawn Kemp: PUNKS! Dumb, stupid, dumb punks! SONICS ROOLZ! One more game and we can put this sucker in neutral and coast to the finals! Reggie Miller: OK, Reg, remember, just get out there and scare 'em. Mark, Rik, and Derrick, they'll win it if you just get them pumped. It won't be like you gotta win the game all by yourself. Mark Jackson: Sweeeeeeeet. Reggie's back. I can stop worrying about shooting and start practicing my dancin'. Gonna shake my shoulders right in damn Steve Smith's face. Hootchie-kootchie!! Derrick McKey: Boy am I glad Reggie's back. This having to work really hard to win thing sucks. So does that taking responsibility business. Arvydas Sabonis: Why would such a great player want to be named "Mailman?" Americans seem to dislike their civil servant workers, and the mailmans I have seen are more lazy than Rod at practice. Rod Strickland: And then, after we win, I'll be saying, "Look, PJ, shove this job and take it!" No, that's not right. I'll say, "Trade me and play me!" No, no, that ain't it. I'll say, "This town ain't big enough for both our stupid-lookin' beards, so you better shave yours . . . ." Karl Malone: I keep telling John not to worry about the fact that there's more than 2 players on the team, but he just won't listen. Finally, today, he listens. Scottie Pippen: Think I better stay in the background today. That Anthony Mason? Man, he's mean. I wish I didn't have to play these guys. Why not Cleveland? Even I'm tougher than Danny Ferry. Hubert Davis: I know the philosophy. I read that Nee-chee guy like Riles said. I don't know though, would it really be right to hit Jordan in the back? Anthony Mason: Then I'm gonna come up behind him and BOOM! with the elbow. Right above the waist. Yeah. Clean, hard foul. If he doesn't want to get smacked he shouldn't talk that trash and do those damn double-nickel commercials. Wish Mark Messier would've lent me that stick. Michael Jordan (throughout the game): Ouch, dammit! Ouch, dammit! Ouch, dammit! Ouch, dammit! Tony Kukoc: This three-point line seem same distance from basket. But that nice Alonzo fellow tell me they move it back one inch per game in playoffs. They must move it more than that because I can't seem to hit shot. 1-for-20 not so bad. At least I am not that short John Sparky guy. He seems very angry. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Mindreadings from May 13 Date: 14 May 96 12:53:56 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Pregame: Steve Smith: If this team is going to win, I gotta put it on my back. Lenny shouldn't have said that though. That crap is uncalled for. Nick Anderson: Damn he's stupid. That was the single worst pep-talk I've ever heard. A VACUUM CLEANER!!!??? Moron struts into the locker room with a vacuum cleaner saying he hears the fans are carrying brooms so that we'll win 4-0, but that he can go one better. Says brooms are good but a vacuum cleaner is better. Then he says, "SO SUCK AS HARD AS YOU CAN!!" Just like a vacuum cleaner. Poor Penny was rolling his eyes like in that commercial we did together. Lenny Wilkens: I really shouldn't have told Steve that if he played up to his potential, he'd be on DTIII too. That was uncalled for. But maybe it'll motivate him. I oughta tell Christian the same thing, come to think of it. Shaq: Don't know why coach said it. But if coach wants me to suck, OK. Maybe it's that strategy stuff. Horace Grant: Thing I hate the most is missing shots. So I won't do that tonight. Hit em all. Then I can go home happy. First Half: Penny: Ouch! Brian Hill: D'OH!!! Shaq: OK, stick with the gameplan, keep sucking. Dennis Scott: Man, Steve done stole my touch! Stacey Augmon: This Gatorade tastes funny. I wonder if Lenny put something in it. . . . I feel . . . . motivated. Second Half: Brian Hill: Why dumb players not play good? I give great pep talk early, they go out and stink. Why not suck up Hawks like I say. I no more waste talent. They on own. Penny: OK, that's it. I hate losing to these guys. Screw Hill and that dumb gameplan. Good thing I had a copy of my new commercial to play so that I didn't have to listen to that bum again. Horace Grant: OK, 23 points, 14 boards, 11 of 14 from the field. Shouldn't have missed those three. Might be the difference. Mookie Blaylock: How does he *do* that? It's like he just decides he can dunk and then does it from wherever he is. Or passes to Shaq. Brian Hill: OK, now Magic take lead. Me not so mad anymore. Me coach, Magic win game. Penny look mad and tired. Take him out. Confuse oposish . . .auppaussit . . . opposi. . . Lenny. Penny: What the *$%@#!^%!!!!! I bring us all the way back and that *&#$$@!% ICES me!? Brian Hill: Good guys. Bowie, Shaw, Scott, Horace, Konca. John was highest paid player. Good scorer. We win, me smart. Koncak: Who the Hell is supposed to score out here, I wonder? Hill: How come we not winning? I play good guys for 5 of 12 4th quarter minutes. Oh well, put Penny back in, and Shaq. Penny: Great. Now that I've lost the edge, I get to play. I'm gonna tell Gabe I want the puppet to coach. Shaq: Weird. I followed the gameplan but we lost. Laettner: Heh-heh-heh. I really embarrassed Shaq tonight. If it wasn't for my effort, we woulda lost. Steve Smith: I only made one mistake out there tonight. I did the Mark Jackson dance. That shoulder-shakin' crap is only for guys who don't do anything. Gotta cut that out. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: mindreadings from May 15 Date: 16 May 96 13:47:06 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: pre-game: Lenny Wilkins: OK, it's pick my poison time again. Double Shaq and let Penny light us up? Single on Shaq and let him light us up? I think maybe I'll take a little of both. Maybe the poisons will combine and form some sort of health drink. Or maybe we can shoot 70% from downtown again. I think I'll ask Mookie if he can do something special for us. Brian Hill: Guys too excited. Calmed them down good. Maybe I not should put valium in 3-D drink? No. Good move. Dennis so hyparacct . . . hyporrac . . . wild. Grant Long: Maybe Shaq is tough to play against, but he's really a great rapper. Man I love this album. "Do you want me to pass it? (NO!) Do you want me to shoot it? (NO!) Do you want me to SLAM!? YEAH!!!!!" Hey, you know what? That's a good idea. I think I'll slam it tonight. Thanks, Shaq. Shaq: Tonight, go out, play hard, slam. First Half: Shaq: SLAM!!! (30 seconds later) SLAM!!! OK, that's enough dunking for tonight. Horace: Take it easy tonight. Let Penny and Shaq score. I'll just harrass the shit out of some people. Like Chrissy Laettner. What a punk. Although if I were gay . . . . What the HELL am *I* thinking!? I gotta go to a strip club tonight or something. Dennis Scott: Man do they have some good pizza up there. Ooooh, and Bratwurst? Love that Billy Goat place. Cheeeburga Cheeeburga, no coke, Pepsi. No fries, cheeps. The Mag Mile, now that's cool. Oh, wait, we're still playing the Hawks. Grant Long: Do you want me to pass it? NO! Mookie Blaylock: So coach wants something special, eh? I guess last game wasn't special. Hitting over 50% from downtown doesn't do it. OK, I'll save it for something nice. Jon Koncak: They call *THAT* a flagrant? You gotta be kidding me. I got all ball. And Shaq told me that the refs said it was OK to push that guy down on the floor. Christian Laettner: Oooooooooh, he hurt my widdle ewbow! Ooooooh, my widdle elbow sting! Second Half Grant Long: Do you want me to shoot it? N . . .Ah, heck with it. I'm gonna shoot it anyway. Mr. Bowie: Only get 4 minutes every 3 games. Better make it count. Get a slam. Get a stea. Too bad Doug ain't here; I'd call a timeout. Horace Grant: Whew, glad that went in. So what if I didn't call glass. Should I call "jaw" when I go punch Hubie's face? Man taunting me from the sidelines. Shaq: Play hard. Run fast. Dunk. Spin. Score. 13 points this quarter. Not bad. Mookie Blaylock: OK, coach, here it comes! About 46 feet out, end of the quarter, should I call swish? Nah. Good. Maybe Lenny will get off my back now. Lenny Wilkins: Mookie, Mookie, Mooooooookie. Why don't you just hit a few jumpers instead? Grant Long: DO YOU WANT ME TO SLAM!? SHAAAAAQ-FUUUU!!! I mean, um, GRAAAAANT-FUUUUUUU!!! I gotta get him to sign my album. Whaddya mean a technical? That wasn't no stinking technical. Brian Shaw: My shot went in! I gotta get a tape of this game! Mookie: Hard to run. Can't breathe right. Can't even. Finish. Thoughts. Shaq: Press conference comin' up. How about: "Fuq off!" No. How about: "Because I didn't want to." No. How about: "I said I wouldn't miss shots, I didn't say nothing about free throws." Bullseye. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Spurs/Jazz postgame mindreading Date: 17 May 96 13:10:19 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: As often after a game, the players were thinking about what they were going to eat for a late supper. I think you'll find that the phrase, "you are what you eat" is telling. Karl Malone: I think I'll go have a steak and a baked potato. And buy one for John. John Stockton: I think I'll go have a steak and a baked potato. And buy one for Karl. David Robinson: Hit the Dairy Queen on the way home. Get a couple of soft-serve sundaes. Sean Elliot: I guess I'll go home and have some yogurt, a bowl of crushed, overripe bananas, and some pudding. The Jazz Bench: We should get together and get some Swanson HUNGRY Man dinners. Avery Johnson: I think I'll stop at that fish resaurant and get some grouper, and have a turnover for dessert. Charles Smith: Stop at the bakery, get a creampuff. Trube P.S. Interesting fish fact: The grouper, a relatively small fish, has a mouth and throat roughly the size of a whale's. From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Mindreadings, May 19 Date: 20 May 96 17:06:34 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Pregame: Phil Jackson: Muuu-whaaaaa-hah-hah-haaaaa. At last my plan for baskeball domination comes to fruition. Today Pippen will again find himself an effective player, Jordan will realize that he cannot score all our points, and Toni will feel healthy. And everyone will think it chance!! Little do they know that . . . . wait a second, it feels like someone . . .Stop!! I will not have you reading my brilliant mind! [at this point Jackson began thinking in either some Native American tongue or possibly an Indian (you know, as in the subcontinent one) tongue. I could only detect players' names, and he rattled off every Bull player on the bench. Apparently Phil has telekinetic powers as well. Damn.] Brian Hill: Year long plan today come to fruit. Why people say "come to fruit?" Plan is not like Dennis Rodman. Ha, ha, ha! Brian make joke. Anyway, today Shaq score 30, Penny 30, Horace 20, Nick 20, 3-D 20. No need bench. Bulls lie and double Shaq, outside light up. Foolproof. No play new guys, rookies. Starters win game. Michael Jordan: I think today will determine how much I ask for next year. I'll ask for my points times a million minus ten percent, just to be nice. Scottie Pippen: Time to shut down Penny. I'm the best all-around player in the league. That's cuz Mike hates to rebound. Horace Grant: Must . . .play . . . .game. Ignore . . . pain. Can't . . .lift . . . arm. Mustn't . . . tell . . . dumb-ass. First Half: Shaq: OK, just another game. Let's go do it. Dunk. Rebound. Win. Dennis Scott: Aw, crap. They aren't doubling Shaq. Guess I won't get any shots. Nick Anderson: Aw, crap. They aren't doubling Shaq. Guess I won't get any shots. Dennis Rodman: I GOT A REBOUND!! I GOT A REBOUND!! I AM THE GREATEST!! Horace: Must . . . play Penny: 10-0, eh? Guess I better take this game over personally. I wish my teammates could do something, but it looks like they can't/ Dennis Rodman: I GOT A BASKET!! I AM BASKETBALL!! HORACE SUCKS!! I RULE!!! Luc Longley: Eh, Shaq ain't got much intensity today. Good bloody thing, that! I hate it when he plays hard and he makes me look like a bleeding Koala Bear. Penny: What! We didn't get 20 points yet? Guess I'll have to hit a half-court shot here to get us close. Anthony Bowie: Geez coach is a dumb-ass. Gives me 3 minutes a game, puts me out here in a huge game when we're already out of it, and say, "Be sparkplug." What the Hell is that crap!? Donald Royal: Oh, sure, Brian. I'll go out there and put it all on the line. Even though I'm the 12th option now. Even though you've structured the team so that it's a 2-on-5 game. Even though you won't even let me practice free throws anymore. 2nd Half Brian Hill: Only down by ten. Starters take control. Shaq dunk. Penny do spin thing. Win game. Why Horace, Nick, 3-D not score. They each should have 10 points. They must not try hard enough. Bench do what supposed. Shaq: Refs suck. Read the rulebook over at halftime. Says you can't both hands on an opponent or it's foul. Damn freakshow put both hands, both knees, and that big-ol dick of his on me and no call. Gonna have to pull my Shaq-Fu stuff. Penny: I wish Nick could get involved. It ain't that hard. You just dribble around, spin, fake, and slam. Like this. Scottie Pippen: What the Hell was that? That man's just too damn fast for his own good. Or especially for my own good. Horace: Oh, great. Like I need these dumb-ass fans chanting my name. They treated me like a hero when I was here, treated me like a traitor when I left, and now, when my arms throbbing like a motherf***er, they gotta go giving me the Darryl Strawberry routine. I think I better go bust some a . . . . AAAAARRRGGGGGHHHHH!! Brian Hill: Uh-oh, Horace out. Need backup. Donald good, he power. Koncak center, bigger than forward. Either way no problem. Wish had big rookie go in and get board. No have big rookie. Wish had old Knick. Go in, body up Dennis. No have old Knick. Send Wolf. He good inside player. Guard Rodman. Somebody say Dennis pierce nipples. Ouch. Penny: Dang. There goes the series, walking off the court. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Jazz Sonics Gam 7 mindreadings Date: 3 Jun 96 13:38:11 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: 1. I'm getting a lot of static today, so bear with the odd misspellings. 2. As you will note, I was distracted through much of the 2nd and 3rd quarters. No matter how you explain it, girlfriends and mothers don't quite understand that "game 7" means mxore than "the one after game six." Karl Malone: I hate playing in Seattle. Everybody thinks that counting screws up my concentration. As if. It's that joke that John told me about it. "What are Seattle fans doing when they start counting? They're reciting the IQs of their players." Wonder if Shawn is 1 or whether that's Gary. Shawn Kemp: Screw the Dream Team. Screw Barkley. Screw Malone. Nail some rebounds. Hammer the Jazz. Ervin Johnson: All the great starters got nicknames. Penny, Air, Magic, Mailman, the Dream. Even Shawn's the Rain Man and Gary's the glove. If I want to go to the next level, I gotta get one. How about "Big Smoothie." No, that's Sam. The "Dunking Dutchman?" Nah, I ain't Dutch. I know! Sir Ervin! or Servin. Nah, people would think I'm a waiter. Don't want anyone calling you a waiter. Mourning is called "Zo." Maybe I could be "Er. . . . " Bill Walton: The other announcers are making fun of me for saying "this is the playoffs." I gotta shed that. I think instead I'll say that even ridiculous calls are good. Stockton: If Gary aslks me one more time how to get on Dream Team, I'm going to hit two straight three pointers. . . . OK, Gary, you asked for it. Chris Morris: Hey, that's a good idea. Three pointers. Think I'll try that. Frank Brikowski: I wish I could hit a three pointer. Oh well, I think I'll just smack Karl Malone instead. Hey Mailman, here's a priority package!! Heh-heh-heh." (Later on) Bryon Russell: Arrrgh. Two baskets? Which one is real. Eenie Meenie Miney . . .Hell with it. Sweet! Picked the right one! George Karl: Maybe I shouldn't have said that the rulebook doesn't prohibit the zone. The refs seem to be making a point or something. Antoine Carr: Two Bryon Russells. Or is that Chris Morris? I think I'll pass it two that one. D'OH! Must be the damned goggles. Shawn Kemp: Nail the free throws. Lock the win. Drill Scottie Pippen in the head. heh-heh. Karl Malone: Good thing the game's lost. I just can't laugh on national t.v. Hahahahaha Ervin Johnson, an IQ of 9! HAHAHAHAA! Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Finals game 2 mindreading Date: 8 Jun 96 16:28:30 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Ervin Johnson: Gotta get my game together. A starting center in the NBA has to score some points. BOOM! The first two points of the game for Ervin "don't need a nickname" Johnson! I guess I can go back to fouling people now. Ron Harper: Who *is* it that George Karl reminds me of? Homer Simpson? No. Orson Welles? No. Somebody. Somebody famous. Shawn Kemp: Gotta get more boards. Who the hell else is gonna get them on this team? And I gotta score. Who the hell else will? Gary? Please. He's too busy mugging for the damn cameras. Rodman: Flip this rock over to Pip, get the assist, do my patented double pump trot all the way down the court. Scottie Pippen: Ow! How come Dennis has to throw the ball so hard? Rodman: Pansy-ass butterfinger cupcake fool! I wish I could kick his ass again. Steve Kerr: Seattle's defense. Ppphhht. The glove's more like a mitten, Big Smoothie's more like Big Softy, and look at Meister Uberdork out there trying to keep up with Mike and Scottie. Gary Payton: Drive down there deep under the basket, show off my stuff, find a camera so I can show that I'm amazed by my own butta moves. Oops. Sam Perkins: How come my teammates play like they're on the playground? They gotta know this here's the NBA. Maybe I should remind them of whatcha gotta do to win a championship. The SKYHOOK. Swish. Michael Jordan: I wish I could do the skyhook. Sam Perkins: That was fun. So another blast from my Laker past. The SKYHOOK. Swish. George Karl: Here we go, here we go. Eight one run. Play it, do it. Show them how to play. Phil Jackson: Snicker. Poor George thinks his dipsticks are taking control. Time to call the plays that work and put him into a psychological nosedive. Hey Trubey, quit trying to read my mind or I'll hop on my Warp and lambast you on rsbp . . . .Good, that's better. George Karl: No no no no no no no. Seven straight points. We're going to choke again and then I'll have to go to Milwaukee. No no no no. Ron Harper: Got it! Karl looks like an unhappy Willard Scott! Without the toup. Dennis Rodman: That wasn't no foul, dammit. I do that all the time. I'm Dennis Rodman!! Dennis Rodman: That wasn't no three seconds. Anyway, I can do what I please. Stand in the damn lane for an hour if I want. I'm Dennis Rodman!! Chuck this damn ball at Ed's crotch. Ed T. Rush: If I weren't afraid of that tattooed nightmare, I'd T him up for that toss. Sam Perkins: Uh-huh. That was a flagrant foul. And Dean Smith has a Blue Devil tattoo. Toni Kukoc: (who, by the way, sings songs in his head when he's happy). Toni, Toni Kukoc, he's the greatest guy in history! From the town of Da Bears, he's about to hit another three! (sung to the Flintstones theme). John Paxson: Phil Just called a big run. Playing those mindgames with that poor sap without the tie again. Getting Toni involved and then he'll stop it and let Seattle go on a little run and then do it again. George is gonna be a wreck by the time he gets swept. George Karl: It's so confusing. We do good we do bad we do good we do bad. Toni's good Toni's out Toni's hot Toni's cold. We need consistency. Why why why can't we get it? I wonder if Vin Baker is really as good as I think he is. Michael Jordan: WHAT THE HELL IS HE THINKING!? I AM MICHAEL JORDAN. THEY GOT A BRONZE STATUE OUT IN FRONT OF THE BUILDING AND MY LAWN MAN MAKES MORE THAN THAT BUM! GONNA GET IN FACE AND SHOW THE WHOLE DAMN NATION THAT I'M IN CHARGE HERE, THAT JESS KERSEY AIN'T SQUAT AND I'M DA MAN!! Plus it's cool when I look fierce on t.v. Gary Payton: I am the glove. That wudn't no five fouls. I'm the phatest, dopest defender in the league. The rules was made for me. Five fouls my butt. Schrempf: Time to hit da three. Must make precision shot, like Porsche engine. My Germanic training will allow me to adjust for the high humidity that these dumb Americans cannot even notice. Oh. I forgot to figure in the effects of the varying barometric pressure in this micro-ecosystem. My miscalculation might cost us the game, since I am the zeitgeist of Seattle Sonics. Kemp: Looks like Dieter over there's thinking that bullshit again. Better give him a pop and wake him up. Jack Haley: Gotta get in on this huddle. I'm like the eye of the hurricane on this team. Doesn't seem like anything's there, but it all revolves around it. They didn't keep me around here for nothing. John Paxson: I can't believe Phil just told them to keep missing shots. Why on earth would we want to go the last six minutes without a basket? How will we win? Hmmmmm, maybe he's just trying to get Karl rattled. George Karl: Three minutes without a bucket. They're cold! They're done! We can do it, steal the game! Jordan: What the hell is Gary doing talking to me. That chump! If he was in the East he'd be my whipping boy four nights a year. Gary Payton: He's just a guy. He ain't all that and a bag a chips. I could beat him one on one if he was man enough. Talkin down to me like I'm a rookie or somethin. Scottie Pippen: I don't know why Phil wants me to miss these charity shots, but whatever. Hope it don't lose the game. George Karl: Pip choked at the line! We might still do it! Yes! Yes! five minutes pass. George Karl: Confusion. Turmoil. Angst. Self-hatred. Sorrow. Choke. Choke. Choke. Milwaukee. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: game 3 mindreading Date: 10 Jun 96 16:48:29 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Michael Jordan: I cannot believe Stern had the nerve to call me and tell me to stop missing free throws on purpose. And reminding me about the secret suspension. I'll do what I want and I wasn't doing anything wrong. Bet wasn't even with a bookie, just with Shaq. Heh-heh. And I won it. Shot his free throw percentage and still blew those suckers out. Means he's gotta shave that big head again. I hope he never wins so I have to grow hair. Gary Payton: Tonight, baby, the one man show. Jordan knows I rocked his world. Threw off his FT percentage, baby. Tonight, it's gonna be the home court Gary slamarama. Luc Longley: Oh bloody hell. I can't believe I missed that dunk. I wish a mate was around to buy me a pint so I could wash the taste out of me mouth. I'll have to score twenty points to rid me noggin of that mem'ry. Detlef Schrempf: Ah back to the home court as they say advantage. I know this floor precisely. Time to use just the right amount of backspin to achieve three points. Gott in Himmel! I was nearly a meter off! Shawn Kemp: Hell with it. Twenty points down in the first damn quarter. I'm through bustin my ass for these chumps. Kenny G: Hey, this basketball is fun to watch. I like that Sam Perkins. Easy going. Calm. Like my soothing mix of adult contemporary. Detlef Schrempf: This imperfection is enraging me! I must achieve victory. Ack!! Off my own knee! What would they say in the fatherland? Vincent Askew: Heh-heh. Steve Kerr needs to change that damn haircut, wear some long pants, or get some white shoes. He looks just like Beavis out there. Michael Jordan: This is that punk that up-and-undered me the other day. Guess I'll rain a long friggin three pointer over his pitiful head. David Wingate: He never forgets. Every time I do him dirty he pulls that stuff. I really need to go play in Europe. Dennis Rodman: Don't feel like jumpin today. Don't want to defend nobody. Gotta get my camera time though. Better pull some of my patented trouble out. Stuff Bill taught me. The Brick: I can't believe these guys forgot how to shoot 3s. 0 for 8? All you have to do is this . . . . See? Dennis Rodman: Oh cool. Frank's in the game. He's easy. All I gotta do is tell him how cute he looks with his beard and ask him if he'd like so see the piercing that only Madonna knows about. The Brick: AAACK!! He's hitting on me again! Ack!! George Karl: I hate this. Sam sits on the bench, looks normal. Smiles. Laughs, keeps his eyes open. Then I send him in and he puts his "game face" on. Looking like he's gonna fall asleep in the middle of a shot. Luc Longely: I was just kidding meself when I said I should get 20! But fifteen bloody points, that ain't half bad for a bloke as slow as I am. Steve Javies: I know it's taunting. He knows it's taunting. Everybody in the building and the free world knows it's taunting. But Dennis already has a foul, and if I toss him, he's likely to either punch me or hug me. The Brick: AAAAACK!! He can't keep his eyes off me! I've mesmorized him!! I gotta get out of here before he tries to kiss me! Shawn Kemp: Man, lookin at this, I feel like I could do one of those "don't beat your kids commercials" and not even have to act like I'm upset. Dennis Rodman (clapping on way to the bench): Remember the camera. Clap yourself. Be happy. Show them your stuff. Ten boards and they'll still think you won the game for your sissy teammates. I love this game. Put on the King Tut towel, and get my interview on national t.v. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Finals game 5 mindreading Date: 15 Jun 96 18:45:45 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: Michael Jordan: Asshole flappin his mouth about how old I am. Askin me for my shoes and talking his trash in my ear all night. Tonight I am gonna flush that terd down the toilet. Gary Payton: Tired old fool don't even know what I'm doin. Jawjackin so he gets all distracted and starts thinkin he's the man. Get him all tired out so he gonna need diapers under them Carolina shorts. Sheeeeet. Ahmad Rashad: Asshole won't talk to ME!? ME!? I ain't no media whore fool. I'm his friend. His good luck charm. But I ain't just some tool. I played in the NFL dammit! Time to ask him some serious questions, like, is he as good as he used to be when he was the best damn player on the whole earth period. Yeah, like to see him answer my 60 Minutes questions. Talkin bout "want to express himself in his game." Fool better score 50 or I'm gonna be all over him when we go out after the game. Ron Harper: What do these morons think this is, a movie? Playin that THX shit before a basketball game? That Kurt Rambis looking go-rilla dropping down on a rope? What's up with that? Shawn Kemp: Gary off talkin trash, Brick playing footsies with Rodman, am I the only one here to play? Wish I was the free agent, go somewhere where I ain't gotta carry the team every night. The Brick: I'm in everybody's head now. Rodman's, Jordan's, Karl's. Perkins, Johnson, take a seat boys, The Brick is here to build a wall. No, wait, he's here to smash a hand. No, a head! Yeah, to smash a head! Damn I'm tough. Luc Longley: Aw shite. I can't believe the mate who can't spell "Sean" beat me at the bloody tip off. Kemp: Bullshit, man. Bulls 12, Kemp 8, Sonics 0. Gary: Way to go, my man Shawn! You shoot the rock, I'll mess with Jordan's mind. MJ: Are these officials fuckin' with me again! I'm gonna remind him I own his ass. Kemp: Lyin here on the floor gettin my leg stretched I'm better than those guys on the floor. I could be doin' it with Madonna over here and be better than those guys. You know, that would be pretty cool. Wonder if Dennis has her number. I better get back out there. Sam Perkins: Now Shawn won't yell at me. Got my basket. Detlef and Gary and Hersey better hurry up. He looks mad. Toni Kukoc: Toni score 7 of first 16 Bull points. Now maybe Phil and Mike and that damned know-it-all chucker Scottie will be off my back. Steve Kerr: Can't believe Dennis Scott gave me advice on how to get out of a shooting slump. But how is imagining that the hoop is a box of donuts suppoed to help? Aw, crap. Missed again. Hersey Hawkins: That's right, Feed the Hawk. Ate myself 9 damn points. More than Kemp. He can quit lookin at me like that now. Dennis Rodman: Fuck basketball. I ain't gotta play this shit. I did Madonna. I eat with Eddie Vedder. I'm gettin ready to ball Cindy Crawford. I'll rebound when and where I want to. Bad as I wanna be! Shove this ball in Nate's ugly-ass face! Nate MacMillan: Damn pansy refs. They saw Dennis shove that ball in my face. I was just tossin it back at his cotton candy head. Gary Payton: Yo, take that Mr. Only I can Stop Me. Put that shit on a poster. George Karl: Dad should come more often. The boys got him a one point lead. Maybe he can tell them of how much better and smarter basketball players used to be when he was forty. No, better not. They might take it the wrong way. Brick: I think maybe Dennis could use another foul. Coming right up! Ah, damn. They gave me one too. And tonight I'm almost as good as he is. Rodman: These refs asking for a forehead-to-forehead massage. Callin me for grabbin Mr. Final Solution, and sayin I delayed the game. I might just have to strip right here. Toni Kuckoc: Why MIke and Scottie scream at ME? Scottie can't hit fish-barrel, and Mike, he do nothing after half. They should take a walk on a pier. Luc Longley: If those two mates don't quit their bloody belly-aching, I'm gonna get Paul Hogan to come over here and give em a good-ay. Skin em and wear em on a some boots and a vest. Rodman: Don't want to rebound, but floppin is always nice. Vincent Askew: Who does that Randy Brown look like? Martin Lawrence? No. I know! He looks like a short, fat, Penny Hardaway! Shawn Kemp: Too much pain! Too much pain! Must get release! Where's a pansy white boy to hold this ball with his face? Perfect! John Paxson: Maybe I should suit up. If I hit 1 of 10 threes it would help the percentage. Michael Jordan: These assholes won't gimme the ball! They supposed to defer to me! Don't they know no one can stop me but me? Ahmad Rashad: Oh, tell 'em Mike. Let your play speak for itself. It says: "I can do it early, but I'm one old motherfucker who can't finish anymore." Scottie Pippen: Sheeeet. They said Robert Horry was the next me. I'd be happy to be the current Robert Horry right now. Luc Longley: Well I hit my three shots. Like to see Sheila Pippen hit all his shots. Payton: Done earned my phat, phat, dope contract tonight. Gonna have to hire somebody to CARRY my wallet. 23 points. Bet there's a word for that shit when it's like, one number is funny cuz it's usually something else, but it ain't in this situation . . . . I be the MAN! Toni Kukoc: Oh good job Mike Nike. Tell the world you let play talk and score two points in 4th half. Oh good Mike. Yell at Toni will you. George Karl: They're just too old. We got em. They won't be able to run for weeks now. Sure thing next game. History will be made. By me. Trube From: trube@merle.acns.nwu.edu (Todd Trubey) Newsgroups: rec.sport.basketball.pro Subject: Final Finals mindreading, Finally Date: 20 Jun 96 18:20:45 GMT Organization: Northwestern University, Evanston, IL, US Message-ID: These past few days been busy. Here 'tis. Detlef Schrempf: I hate these dumb NBA announcers. I neer can quite get what they're saying. When he says Michael Jordan's name, why does he say something like "Edgar Dipstick" first? Ron Harper: Sit your white, sorry, no-defense, gettin-yelled-at-by-Superman butt down, Toni. I look like Jordan, I wear his shoes, I am the starter. Toni Kukoc: Crappy crap. I shave special for this game, and they put that shoe-licker in lineup. I guess I do what dark-hair white guys do on Bulls team. Cheer like moron. Shawn Kemp: Damn this sucks. I adjust my jock in mid-air a few times, yell a little bit and I don't get to go to the Olympics. Then these 20,000 morons who say I can't represent America come in here and start whistling and cheering during the anthem. My anthem. America deserves better. I'm gonna call Charles and see if I can meet that Rush dude. Gary Payton: Wish our fans would cheer during the anthem. Jordan: Let's see if I'm going to be superhuman or just plain awesome tonight. Test the early 3. Yes! Brings back memories of when Scottie could shoot. The Brick: GOING IN FOR THE JORDAN STUFFARAMA!!! D'OH! Gotta stop thinking about Jordan when I'm trying to jam. Shawn Kemp: Take a seat, tattoo-boy! Man am I tired of that fool. If Karl and I had a little less pride and drew all over ourselves and wore make-up no one would even know who this punk is. Can't score to save his damn life. Gary Payton: Man, I gotta start publicizing like Rodman. Shawn Kemp: Take a seat, Pip-boy! Hmmmm. That didn't feel as good. Shoving Rodman on his ass is a lot more fun. Heh-heh. But Pip got the foul. Scottie Pippen: DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK!!! Who sings that song? Well, it's a cool song. All them fool sportswriters saying I was gone. Sheeeet. Betcha I can even hit a three. Told ya. Toni: If I can't play, at least I cheer! Jack Haley: Who does this guy think he is? *I'm* supposed to lead the cheers on the sidelines! He's not even wearing a suit! Bill Wennington: Geez. Now I'm not even a second-string cheerleader anymore. Dennis Rodman: Just a lotta punks. Punks everywhere. What's Kemp doing holding the ball? Punk. Yeah. I love slapping the ball outta punks' hands. Better cheer myself. Jordan: Let's see if these refs got it together. I'll jump up there, put my hand on that stiff's face, and see what they do. Good. They got it all together. Called the foul on him. David Wingate: Man it would be cool to be Mike. Get to go to the line for shoving a hand in some guy's face. Steve Kerr: Hey, wait a minute. There's actually a pattern. Sam Perkins--Sleepy. Payton--Grumpy. Johnson--Bashful. Brickowski--Dopey. Doc? No Doc. Karl? Tubby. Sam Perkins: I think I had too many lattes. I'm all hyper. Can't calm down, get in my game. 0 for 5, man, I'm shooting like Steve Kerr. second half: Gary Payton: And it's Gary "the glove" Payton from waaaaaay downtown! I am da Man. Time to go skool Jordan. Ron Harper: Heh-heh-heh. Gary always starts dreamin after he hits a three. Then he always loses it when someone returns the favor. Splash! Heh-heh-heh. Gary Payton: DAMN! I am the awesomest. They should call that shot "Mission: Impossible!" Duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh deedeeedooooo deeedeeeedooooo duh-duh. Shawn Kemp: Looks like my so-called teammates doin their Kreskin act again. Hell with it. I think I'll just shove Rodman down again. Boy was that worth the foul. Sam Perkins: Finally, the lattes starting to wear off. I'm chillin. Let's see. Smooth. 1 for 8. Michael Jordan: Wow, am I really only 5 of 14 from the floor? Heck with it, it ain't the shots, it's the points. Steve Javie: Let's see, the Sonics have had 8 free throws. The Bulls, 18. That doesn't seem right. Everyone knows the Sonics are dirtier than that. Better give the Bulls a few more. Dennis Rodman: Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Got my 19 boards. Hey, did I score tonight? Ah, who cares. T'ain't like I'm Shawn and gotta do both. Shawn Kemp: Guess I'll call Shaq; see what it's like to have Jordan get a trophy you earned. Trube P.S. All Trube Team to be announced soon.