[ Note: The events in this episode take place between "The Trouble with
Tribbles" (Stardate 4523.3) and "A Piece of the Action" (Stardate 4598.0.). ]
"Captain's Log, Stardate 4547.7:
The _Enterprise_ is en route to Celia IV, a Federation farming world
near the Romulan Neutral Zone. They have reported an outbreak of a plague
of epic proportions, which is destroying farmland, killing their cattle, and
has even begun to affect the colonist themselves."
Kirk: Spock, status report?
Spock (looking up from his sensor hood): All clear, Captain.
A light flashes on Uhura's station. She picks up her earpiece, speaks
quickly into her board, then turns toward the center of the bridge.
Uhura (surprised): Captain, Security reports intruders in the Hydroponics Lab.
Kirk (overacting): Spock...how is this possible? You just told me there was
no one in the sector.
Spock: Unknown, sir. The ship's sensors are functioning perfectly.
Kirk (leaping from his chair): Mr. Sulu, you have the conn.
Spock and Kirk enter the turbolift as Sulu moves to the captain's chair.
* * * * *
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever"
Part 4: "The Grandfather Clause"
Written by Admiral Avenger and Crossfire
Special Guest Stars
William Shatner as Captain James T. Kirk
Leonard Nimoy as Mr. Spock
Deforest Kelley as Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy
James Doohan as Scotty
Walter Koenig as Chekov
Nichelle Nichols as Uhura
George Takei as Sulu
Directed by Richard A. Muirden
Music by Jerry Goldsmith
* * * * *
Spock and Kirk enter the hallway outside the Hydroponics Lab. Several
security officers lie unconscious near the door and just inside the lab.
Several more security officers stand back a ways, phasers drawn.
Kirk: What's going on? Are those men hurt?
Wilkes: No, sir. One of the intruders talked them all to sleep.
Spock raises an eyebrow and follows Kirk into the lab. Zortylwankoid stands
over the security officers, describing the inner workings of the 91986Zb3A
subparton duomolecular matrix inverting mathematics coprocessor he is
working on for the experimental duoneutronic spin-invariant discrete
antiparity CPU at Starbase Montgomery. Euge, Missy and Icefalcon are
helping Admiral T'Lilith out of a complex series of vines she unwittingly
leapt into. Captain Flirt steps forward.
Muirden (smile of recognition): Captain James Tiberius Kirk! G'day.
(extending his hand) I'm Richard Muirden. Please forgive Zortylwankoid.
He really can't control himself.
Kirk (suspicious): You have me at a disadvantage, Mr. Muirden.
Muirden (modestly): That's Captain, actually.
Kirk: Yes, well how did you get on my ship...and why?
T'Lilith finally maneuvers to her feet. Kirk's eyes and mouth drop wide
open in surprise. Spock raises an eyebrow.
* * * * *
In the conference room, Kirk, Spock, McCoy, and the 25th Century team sit
down. Security officers line the walls.
Kirk: All right. I'd like some answers. Who are you and why--
Muirden: First, Captain, answer me this: Have you encountered any apparent
Romulan biological warfare on Federation colony worlds?
McCoy: How did you know about that?
T'Lilith: It is what we are here to prevent, Doctor.
Muirden: If I may, Admiral. (turns to Kirk) The matter we have to discuss
is a delicate one. Perhaps your security officers should wait outside?
Kirk: Spock?
Spock: They have shown no outward signs of violence, sir. Perhaps such
a move would be prudent.
Kirk nods to the highest-ranking security man, who leads the team into the
corridor.
Kirk: Okay, they're gone. Now will you tell me who you are and why you
are here?
T'Lilith: You are familiar with the Guardian of Forever?
Kirk shudders as he remembers the loss of Edith Keeler.
Kirk: Yes, I am.
Spock: That is a classified matter, of course. How did you come to be--
Muirden: All right, look...we travelled through the Guardian, Captain.
From your future.
Kirk and McCoy both sit back uncomfortably. Spock raises an eyebrow.
Spock: If your claim is true, should you really be telling us this?
Would not such information lend itself to a grandfather paradox?
Muirden: The three of you are well known to us... I feel I can trust you
with a certain amount of information.
Kirk: But can you prove your claim?
McCoy: And even if you do, how do we know that helping you is a good idea?
Muirden: Unfortunately...to satisfy your curiosity would require me to
yield knowledge that you should *not* have.
Spock: We seem to have reached an impasse.
McCoy (to T'Lilith): And what about you?
T'Lilith: What *about* me?
Spock (cutting off McCoy): I must admit, Madam, that I have also been
curious as to your heritage.
T'Lilith (angry): I am *not* a madam, thank you very much. (calming)
Like you, Commander Spock, one of my parents is Vulcan. The other is
Klingon.
Spock, McCoy AND Kirk raise their eyebrows.
Kirk (aside): Bones, is she sane?
McCoy (shaking his head): Dammit, Jim. I'm a doctor, not a film critic.
Yee (who has thus far been quiet): I am.
Kirk (confused): What?
Yee: I'm a film critic. It's one of my hobbies.
Muirden: Captain Kirk, a race of beings the Federation will not encounter
for another hundred years is trying to rip apart our past by changing
*your* present.
T'Lilith: The biological weapons are not Romulan in nature.
Spock: Romulan vessels have been sighted on this side of the Neutral Zone
in recent months. In fact, a freighter sighted a Romulan Warbird near
Celia IV a few days before we received report of the plague there.
Midzor: Your technology is *antique* compared to theirs! Bloocheez has
probably figured out some way to make his ship *look* Romulan in order
to confuse your lousy sensor boards!
Spock: The sighting was made visually.
Kirk: Look, you people appear out of nowhere on my ship, discuss classified
topics, make up stories about alien menaces...
Zortylwankoid: Not to mention trampling a few plants.
Kirk: But you give me no PROOF. How do I know you're not just Klingon spies?
T'Lilith growls and stands up. Missy grabs T'Lilith's arm. T'Lilith looks
at Missy for a moment, then sits down.
T'Lilith: Captain, if you leapt into your own past and met your own
grandmother, would she believe you were her grandson?
Kirk: Probably not. But that still--
McCoy: Spock, what about one of them Vulcan mind melds?
Spock: It would be impolite to--
T'Lilith: All right. But Commander Spock, if I discover you have used any
of my knowledge of the future to change my own past, I will personally come
back in time and kill you with my bare hands.
McCoy: She's serious, isn't she?
Zortylwankoid: Absolutagulabullaly.
Spock: It would be illogical for me to violate future history with fore-
knowledge. On my honor as a Vulcan, your secrets are safe with me.
* * * * *
The other stand at the far end of the room while Spock and T'Lilith each
move a hand to the other's temple.
Spock: My mind to your mind.
T'Lilith: Our minds are one.
A moment passes. People begin to fidget. Zortylwankoid begins to discuss
the importance of sublepton microcircuitry in multitasking super polyparallel
data processing.
McCoy: How the devil do you put up with him? (nods toward Zortyl)
Icefalcon: It's not hard, Doctor. You just learn to ignore it.
Midzor (hands on hips): It's not *that* easy.
T'Lilith and Spock pop their eyes open simultaneously and remove their hands
from the other's face.
Spock: Fascinating...
T'Lilith (half-smiling): Thank you, Commander. That has always been a dream
of mine. (pause) Admiral Avenger will be jealous.
Spock (raising an eyebrow): Quite jealous.
Kirk: Spock? Spo...ock?!
Spock: They are who they say they are, Captain. Their assistance would be
invaluable in solving this crisis.
Icefalcon: Doctor McCoy, the Admiral and I will help you identify this
biological weapon and find a cure.
McCoy (wrinkling eyebrows): The Admiral?
T'Lilith (turns with a toothy grin): Yes. The Admiral.
McCoy rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
* * * * *
"Captain's Log, Supplemental:
We continue to Celia IV, which has become strangely silent, while my
officers assist our guests in improving certain parts of the ship's design.
I still feel deep down that this is a *Romulan* threat, but Mr. Spock assures
me I am incorrect in my assumption. He has never let me down so far. Mr.
Scott, on the other hand, was rather uncooperative when I mentioned Lt. Cdr.
Midzor's planned engine overhaul..."
Down in Engineering, Missy is halfway up a Jeffries tube, making adjustments
to the engines. Scotty remains right below her in the Jeffries tube.
Scott: Lassie, I know the capt'n told me ta allow yah access ta mah bairns,
but I don't see why yah need ta tinker with 'em.
Midzor: I'm making improvements, Scotty, so that you'll have a chance
against our enemy when we find them.
Scott: Lassie, *nobody* has better engines than Montgomery Scott.
There isna Klingon or Romulan that can even compare ta a _Constitution_-
class starship, and the rest of *them* canna compare ta the _Enterprise_!
Midzor: I realize that, Mr. Scott, and I am very GLAD that we have that
much advantage to begin with. But you're still using warp drive and
that has you at a great disadvantage.
Scott: *Still* usin' warp drive? What do yah expect me ta be usin'?
Midzor: Come, come, Scotty. Aren't your engines running better now than
when you came aboard the _Enterprise_?
Scott: Well, of course.
Midzor: Now add 100 years of improvements to the design...
* * * * *
Back on the bridge...
Zortylwankoid: So you run the integrated parallel CPU through a diversified
coagulated grambalopod and then...
Spock (catching on): ...through the anterior power coupling circuit and out
the Davidson data regulator...
Zortyl: ...and you've increased your output speed by 50 times.
Spock: Fascinating. Absolutely brilliant.
Uhura (removes earpiece and clutches her temples): And I think if I listen
to the two of you much longer my brain is going to explode.
Uhura gets up and walks to the turbolift.
Spock: Lieutenant, I find it highly unlikely that your brain would--
Uhura: Mr. Spock, it was a subtle attempt at a joke. Now if you'll excuse
me, I need a cup of something *strong*. (doors shut)
Spock: Extremely subtle, Lieutenant.
Zortyl: Quite.
Scott (ic): Bridge, this is Scott.
Spock (taps panel): Go ahead, Mr. Scott.
Scott (ic): The lassie just finished messin' with mah bairns and she wants
ta try out the improvements. Can ye get Mr. Sulu ta punch 'er up ta
Warp 15 or so?
Spock (raises an eyebrow): Warp 15--? Are you certain, Mr. Scott?
Midzor (ic): Warp 15 is the easy part, Mr. Spock. Doing it with these
simple tools and such a fragile superstructure is what's hard. It'll
work. Trust me.
Spock: Mr. Sulu, accelerate to Warp 15.
Sulu (shaking head): I don't believe this.
The ship begins to hum with the sound of warp engines grinding to speed.
Chekov: Euge, I know these two vonderful girls down in shuttle maintenance
that have had their eyes on me. Vhen ve go off duty, ve could go down
and say hello...
Yee: Gee, I don't know, Pavel. Paula would get jealous...
Chekov: Come on. Live a little.
Sulu: Warp 12.3... 12.7... 13.1...
Spock: So far, so good, Mr. Scott.
Sulu: Warp 13.4...
Chekov: Meester Sulu, are you sure about pushing the engines so hard?
Suddenly, the bridge goes completely dark. In the distant background, we
hear a scream and dishes shattering.
Chekov: Vat vas that?
Yee (smiling in the dark): Missy is reliable as ever...
* * * * *
Kirk, Muirden, and T'Lilith walk through one of the lower decks.
Kirk: Captain, there's something you're still not telling me.
Muirden: There's a lot I'm not *going* to tell you. You know as well as
I how dangerous foreknowledge can be.
Kirk: Yes, but... why are they disguising themselves as *Romulans*. How
would that change your future?
Muirden: By increasing further the already existing suspicion of the
Romulan Empire. By perhaps provoking the Federation into striking *first*
in a new war against the Romulans.
Kirk: Yes, but why would that--?
Muirden: I'm sorry, mate, but I just can't tell you.
Kirk: Well, what about T'Lilith here. How did a Klingon end up in Star Fleet?
T'Lilith: You are an American, are you not?
Kirk: Born and raised in Riverside, Iowa.
T'Lilith: At one time, your country and Mr. Chekov's were the two main
powers in the world -- and were each other's worst enemy.
Kirk: Yes.
T'Lilith: Is it true today?
Kirk: No. Americans and Russians are the best of friends these days.
T'Lilith: Then you have your answer.
The ship lurches hard to one side, throwing them into a wall. The red alert
lights begin to flash and sirens begin to wail. Kirk moves to help T'Lilith
to her feet, but she looks him in the eyes and growls him away.
Kirk (breaking into a run): Damn. We'd better get back to the bridge.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Next time, on an all-new episode of
Staaaaar Trek: The Crouton Generation
"The Crouton on the Edge of Forever, part 5: Croutons Among Us"
The Croutons try to convince Picard that they are really from the future,
buuuuuuuut can they produce the proper set of three forms of ID and a
check guarantee card? Will the crew find out the secret of the star
Goadby Marwood? Can Data ever learn to speak cat? Will Crossfire
ruin the walls of all the brigs on the _Enterprise_-D? And how about
them lights, eh Missy? Find out on the next exciting episode of Star
Trek: The Crouton Generation!